Went no contact on 1/3 for last time when I finally had to turn my 92 yr. old NPD mother with rapidly progressing dementia over to APS. Sheeeeees back! APS met with her and myself and it is apparent she is not oriented to person place and time...Refer to my other posts about her not remembering me ordering and paying for her online groceries and not getting reimbursed. In fact, she is now claiming she never got them! After the Jan 3 meeting, when the Sw finally was able to witness what I have been trying to endure, I informed her and my mother I could no longer bear her verbal and emotional abuse after doing everything humanly possible trying to keep her acclimated and safe enough to remain in her IL apt. Despite her fighting EVERYTHING we have tried to do for her over the years. No to hearing aid, no to emergency pendant, no to caption phone, no to meds, no to agreeing to me setting up MyChart for her, no to debit card, no to meals that she pays dearly for in her rent, and the list goes on and on. Even though I am POA for health and finances, but not activated because she refuses to cooperate or believe her Dr or take the medication he has prescribed for her anxiety. Nothing is ever right and I guess I "lie to her about everything" and am "selfish“ because I got remarried and go on a vacation once a year with my husband or to visit my kids and grandkids. She doesn’t believe that online grocery orders do not accept checks, but firmly believes that debit cards will lead to thieves (me?) stealing all her money and belongings. She did not remember the SW who met with us on Jan 3, and didn’t remember that I was there, too. Even though she had 2 meetings with the Social Worker in the past several weeks. Tonight, she blew up our phone but didn’t leave message. I finally I broke down and answered because I was afraid, she had a true emergency. She was crying, and I thought she was hurt. Noooooooo. She said SW told her she will need to go into Assisted Living if she can’t get her groceries or allow me to get a debit card. I calmly told her yes, that’s right. Her full-on NPD erupted, and I hung up. Last thing APS SW told me was that they were going to arrange Neuro Psych and possible guardianship which I have refused to agree to be. 15 plus years of beating my head against a brick wall and riding in the caboose of this clown train is more than enough and has ruined my physical and mental health, and at 68, I choose my marriage and my health over this never-ending sh**t show. I collected myself, and tonight sent a very carefully worded email to the SW and APS Director., with examples of her dementia related confusion and NPD related behaviors and lack of cooperation. I stressed that I knew caseloads are too big but SW has been very patient with my mother, even affirming my need to step away, but wondering what next steps will be, my mother is no longer oriented to person, place or time and thus, is a vulnerable adult at risk who needs protective services, There is a crisis looming for her because I am out of the picture. The fires I have tried to put out for her have now become an inferno and yet she remains in total denial. It breaks my heart that her stubbornness and jealousy of me and what she calls my " perfect life" (far from it ..both hubby and I have been in ICU with ongoing significant health issues ) and her needing to control everyone except herself ..denying over and over again that she needs help with her memory loss at this point and her refusal of help. She has created this nightmare for herself. The dementia is new. The untreated mental NPD illness has destroyed our family as far back as I can remember. I have now blocked her on our phone. She can call 911 if she needs help. I wanted to have a written record of my concerns. Hence the email. If I don’t get a response, I will copy it and send it certified. County may be wanting me to file the guardianship petition? Advice and prayers needed
It looks like you have done all that you can do. As you said, a crisis is inevitable.
Take care of yourself. Live life with your husband and address the consequences of her actions when it happens.
It’s a shame that you are in this situation. I’m very sorry that you don’t have the ability to change your devastating circumstances.
Wishing you peace as you continue on this difficult path.
Pls read the PoA document. In most cases what is required is 1 or 2 diagnosis of incapacity (not whether your Mom "cooperates" or "believes" or takes her medication).
That being said, you must recognize that you can't rescue an uncooperative, untrusting person. The actual way she will get helped may be if you resign your PoA completely, end contact for a while and allow the county to become her guardian. The county guardian will make things happen (been there, done that with my SFIL). It literally cannot be worse than what's been going on to date. The county will get her into a facility and she'll receive the care and protection she needs. And you will have boundaries and can visit her if you wish.
You are not responsible for her happiness. You don't have to suffer her mistreatment. It's been proven that the current "rescue plan" is ineffective for both her and you. Time for a different solution.
Did I already recommend Liz Scheier's book to you. It's a Memoir called Never Simple. You NEED to read this book so you see what it is like to try for a LIFETIME to assist a mother who is incompetent due to mental challenges. Neither Ms Scheier nor the entire system of the city and state of New York ever managed to do a whole lot, no matter how hard they all tried.
Not everything can be fixed.
You are doing the right thing. Do not feel guilty
No guilt please, you have done everything you can to help this woman. Forgiveness...maybe because being Narcissistic is a personality disorder a mental illness? Maybe because she now suffers from Dementia you can forgive because maybe she had no control over herself. But you will never forget. You forgive for you not for her but that maybe a longtime coming. You Dad could have left her and taken you kids. Never understood why men or women put up with this treatment. I rather be alone.
Once APS takes over, you will have the weight taken off your shoulders. Mom will be safe, fed, clean and get her meds on time. A guardian will be responsible for her care, the state requires a yearly review. You can then take a deep breath and never have anything to do with her again. She has brought this all on herself. You don't slap the hand that tries to help you all the time. Eventually that hand will pull away. You will wonder why you didn't do this long ago.
You know, it appears to me that these elders who had personality disorders and mental illnesses their whole lives wind UP with dementia later on in life! I don't think it's a coincidence, either. My mother was always in need of some serious medication her whole life, but never took it, of course, she 'didn't need it'. She was a raving lunatic, as a result, which later translated to dementia in her mid 80's. My aunt, same thing (mom's sister). We read about this here on AC ALL THE TIME too. Oh my mom is bipolar or NPD and now has dementia in her old age. Coincidence? I don't think so! I think mental illness turns INTO dementia/AD later on in life. It's a natural progression. If medical science would study that subject, I'll betcha $100 they'd find the correlation! Not that this helps YOU in any way, just something to ponder.
So I'm not surprised that your NPD mother who's been SO difficult and horrible her whole life is now suffering from dementia, not at all. I think your life has been ruined enough so far with all you've tried to do for her and now it's time for social services to take over and get her placed appropriately. What else CAN you do? You cannot force this woman to suddenly 'see the light' or start acting normal, certainly not now that dementia has destroyed her brain!
Don't feel guilty. Feel sad, but not for too long. You've been emotionally taxed here for too long, my friend. Yes it's sad that she's gone down this road, but it will soon be handled for you that she'll be in managed care and SAFE, fed, bathed, clothed, and that lets you off the hook FINALLY for worrying 24/7 about her welfare.
Just give yourself some grace and a bit more patience. One day at a time, right? Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace.
Mom suffered with depression while enduring her Parkinson’s disease, which is certainly understandable.
Whenever she was asked if she was depressed by her doctor, she said, “No.” Depression can accompany Parkinson’s disease.
I wish that mom would have taken meds instead of feeling embarrassed to admit depression.
Their generation isn’t always open about discussing mental health. There was a stigma attached in their day, which is sad.
Dementia will develop with some Parkinson’s disease patients. All of these situations are complicated because they affect everyone differently.
I imagine you will feel grief & start on another step into some mentally letting go territory.
Although such a serious & stressful situation, your 'clown train' description made me smile. That train will either stay on course, or take the branch line to AL or MC. It will stay on the tracks or even derail. If so, that too will pass.
Sometimes if I catch myself in a worry loop it helps me to picture the worst options. I imagine the full derailment is something like Baker Act & transfer to a Geri psych rehab ward. But.. then evaluations & reviews happen. Meds are trialled. A new residence is chosen & new pathways/rails appear. Your Mother's fighting spirit will be evident. That's ok too.
Yes, mom is frail, disoriented and mad.
That doesn't mean that she is going to have a "change of heart" about EVERYTHING being your fault,.
Did you read Liz Scheier's Never Simple?
Please let APS do its job. If you persist in trying to win your mother's approval for changes like moving to AL, getting a debit card and getting groceries delivered, you will create the 7th circle of Hell for you both.
I remain an advocate for stepping graciously aside.
As I see this as no win for you I believe should resign your POA by writing a letter to Mom and copies to her MD and Social Services person so they are aware there is currently no one to act for Mom.
I would not then be shopping for her, or basically anything else as this is enabling her current situation.
Sorry to be so tough love, but you are in a very iffy situation here with a fiduciary duty to act for someone who is in your own opinion unable to act competently for herself.
As you never have acted on the POA you should have a very carefully worded resignation of any duty to act in future. I would see an attorney and tell them what you have told us.
When I talked about "approval", I don't mean you seeking to win your mom's approval and validation.
I'm talking about the fact that as POA, you are acting on her behalf, ostensibly at her direction.
I would not be comfortable acting as Power of Attorney for someone who has previously accused me of theft of funds.
As POA, all it takes is for one of her "flying monkey" friends to call APS, believing her fantastical stories about how evil you are, and you end up accused of theft/fraud/financial abuse. You then incur legal bills defending yourself.
Your mother is NEVER going to "get" that you are using HER money for HER benefit. She is ALWAYS going to act in an abusive manner. Just as she did with your sweet father.
That's why I would step away now and let the State of Wisconsin take over.
'Don't light yourself on fire to keep others warm'.
You're doing exactly what you should. Your mother cannot live on her own anymore and the only way your POA will become active where you can have her forced into AL or even memory care, is there will have to be a crisis.
Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn. Unfortunately, so many of our beloved elders have to learn the hard way.
You're 68 years old. Far too old to be dealing with this nonense. You're doing the right thing. No guilt and dont second guess yourself.
They've ruled out a UTI, yes? And her electrolytes aren't out of whack?
((((Hugs))))
One day at a time.
We are here. 💙
for being so disgusted and broken by her behavior and narcissism, culminating in going no contact after Thanksgiving and thinking about how she was alone over Christmas. I feel so guilty and ashamed and waiting to hear from therapist to help me deal with this grief..Im not naive enough to think that there will not be heartbreaking peaks and valleys ahead. or that she has somehow acquired a new loving personality..Rehab will not evaluate her until the sundowning is controlled ( the wanting to leave part) . Dr is trying new medication that is a bit safer and not in the sleeping pill category. Today I met an RN who also works with elderly hospitalized dementia patients there and charge nurses and aides to try more non med interventions to decrease factors that may lead to sundowning , such as soothing music, touch therapy, blinds drawn and brighter lights in room after dusk, etc. Blessed to have such a great hospital support system...Yes, keep breathing..one day at a time ..for both mom and me. At the end of the day, today is all we have..yesterday cannot be undone , but we can try to make tomorrow better...Thank you Beatty.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It’s good to read that you are satisfied with the hospital and staff. That is a great comfort. I always feel better when I feel like my family members are receiving the best care possible.
Sending many hugs your way.
Ignore her taunts about your perfect life. She's just lashing out trying to make you miserable so that she can be queen bee to you again. Don't allow it by addressing any of her taunts.
Turn over her care to someone else. Even if she gets dementia, her behaviors might not change for the better. It might change for others, but it may never change for you. You have better things to do with your time and energy than focusing it somewhere that it can be abused.
Each night and during the day, pray for strength and wisdom to make the correct decisions. Pray for strength and wisdom to recognize and recover from making any not-so-correct decision. Pray for strength and wisdom to use your energy where it is wanted and to have the strength to recognize and move on when your energy is not wanted.
When you feel like you are going to lose it with her, thank yourself that you caught yourself in time (gratefulness), and then try and do one of the mindfulness exercises. By doing one of the mindfulness exercises just before you are going to lose it, you move your mind to something different, so that when you get back to the emergency at hand, your body has had a tiny rest from the emergency and you can deal with the rest of the emergency better. There is actually some science behind this type of action.
Many prayers and hugs. Life does have these very rocky patches. Your life is yours. Don't give up your power, energy and life to someone who doesn't value it.