The niece is in charge of her and has POA and the other sister-in-law makes all the decisions for the family and basically forced her into this situation. She calls my husband crying because she doesn't want to be there and says she wants to die. She is 74 years old and has always been social and independent. The memory care unit is where people are non verbal or don't really speak and socialize. I don't see any way out for her since we don't have any control over this situation, but I would love to help get her back into assisted living in the same building.
Memory care facilities are not strictly for the nonverbal or unsocial. If you spent time in one, you'd see that many are able to communicate without words. They use expressions, noises, and yes, many can talk. They socialize. They do activities. They hold hands, share their cookies with each other, play simple games, and so on. They don't do things the way we normal folks do, but it is entirely possible to enjoy every day. How do I know? My husband has been living in one for almost two years. I am there almost every day to visit and assist him and his friends. The aides are good at socializing with everyone there. They provide pleasant interaction and good humor. Husband couldn't be in a better situation.
You're right, you can't do anything about this because you don't have the power to do so. What you could do is suggest to niece that she talk to SIL's PCP and ask to start her on meds that will ease her depression, agitation, and anger. That might make a big difference. Also, don't be so quick to believe everything SIL says. Dementia patients confabulate. They aren't to be trusted in anything they say. For instance, one of my husband's friends in memory care insists every day that his wife illegally locked him up and never comes to see him. Well, he has to be in a secure place because he was wandering in his neighborhood and peeing everywhere (after pulling his pants down). There are laws against that, and the neighbors didn't like it. And his wife comes to see him 5 days a week. He doesn't remember - yet he can still beat one of the aides at dominoes almost every time they play.
I hope you can come to accept that SIL is where she needs to be and that you can play a supportive role without becoming over involved.. I wish you luck in doing so.
In any event, you should support the POA and realize these decisions are difficult as is the entire situation. Everyone loses when dementia is in the picture. Don't add to the heartbreak and understand that the vast majority of dementia residents beg to "go home" and say they "dont belong in MC". It's the dementia talking. All these people were once independent but dementia stripped them of who they once were and left a shell of a person behind.
You have no business trying to help her get back to AL which is undermining the POA and painting them as a bad guy in a no-win situation. A POA is appointed to be in charge for a good reason.
The best thing your husband can do is support her as well.
Do NOT tell her that you can help her move out.
Do NOT tell her that you agree she does not belong there.
If you can take her out for lunch do NOT take her to your home or by the home where she used to live. Or walk the halls to the AL portion of the building. If she has friends they can come visit her.
Do not upset her when you visit. If she gets upset the facility and the family can ask that you no longer visit.
What you can do is this:
Tell her that you love her and you want to make sure she is safe.
Tell her that this is her home.
Tell her that there are things to do.
When you are visiting get her involved in a project before you leave.
A move to MC from IL or AL is a big transition.
It is not a decision that is made easily
It is difficult for everyone.
Give her time to settle in.
Do expect that she will decline in the next few months. She may "bounce back", she may not.
Please just support her. And support your husband and the other family members that are overseeing her care.
On the other side, if she is a flight risk and has dementia/Alzheimer’s that may be the best place for her. It’s pretty common for memory care residents to believe they’re not like the other people there, and that they don’t belong “with all these old people”.
Instead of you and your husband feeding into her distress, perhaps it best that you allow your SIL to adjust to her new home as it often takes several weeks for one to do so. And that may very well mean not taking her calls or going to see her for a bit.
I've been in many memory care units and while there are some there that are non-verbal, most still like to socialize with their neighbors, and they all have activities. In fact most memory care units will allow their patients to attend the activities in the assisted living part of the facility if their minds are not too far gone.
So give it time. Your SIL will never get better but will only continue to get worse, so I'm guessing she's right where she needs to be.
As other respondents have said, she wouldn't be accepted in memory care if she did not belong there.
As suggested, the best way for you and your husband to handle her phone calls is to simply be a listening ear, provide positive encouragement, and do not give her any false ideas about leaving.
The memory care is not a prison. It is a way of keeping loved ones safe. She should have opportunities to socialize, even if she is more aware and cognizant than other residents. They, too, have moments of cognitive awareness.
You husband can stop all of this nonsense by informing SIL that it is the doctor who will decide if she can go home
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