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Almost three years ago, my mother was diagnosed with dementia, and for the last two years, I've been her caregiver. My sister, who is and was my mother's POA, refused to help me, visiting mom every two months despite living 15 minutes away. After my husband's leg amputation in August, I cared for both him and my mom, but when I begged my sister for help, I got nothing. Following my mom's arm injury in December, I told my sister I couldn't continue alone. She then placed mom in assisted living, which hurt me deeply, and removed my name from mom's medical and housing information. Now, I'm unaware of mom's health status because the facility won't disclose information to me, and the doctors won't give me info. I found out thru a cousin my mom had surgery a month ago. Given my past struggles with pill addiction, which I've been clean for 13.5 months, and considering I'm listed as a child in mom's will but not allowed to be POA, is there any course of action available to me? My sister won't talk to me.

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You can go to the assisted living facility and visit your mom in person.

There are strict rules preventing sharing private information about patients to anyone not listed on the HIPAA form. Your sister, as POA does not have to give you any details. I mean, morally, I think she should keep you informed, just as an interested family member.

I don't understand why you felt hurt that your sister relieved your burden of caregiving when you needed it, by placing mom in a care facility. You told her you couldn't continue alone. Was that your plea for your sister to do caregiving?
You obviously have some frustration that she chose not to provide any hands-on care, while you did. This is SO Common! Almost Every family has one person who steps up to provide care for a parent, for whatever reason, and they resent their siblings who do not. It is not an obligation for any adult child to provide hands on care to their ill or aging parents. If you are able, and you desire to do so, then fine. You can and should. But do not hold your siblings to the same standards and the same obligation. They may not feel capable and they may simply not wish to take on that additional burden in their lives. Your sister did right by placing mom in assisted living.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Be grateful that your sister placed your mother in AL where her needs can be met, and your time is freed up to fully care for your husband plus hopefully have some time for yourself. Most people would consider that a blessing.

Do you visit your mother, or are you staying away because you're upset? Under your mom's POA, your sister and the medical staff aren't allowed to share the information unless your mother instructs them too.
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Reply to MG8522
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"removed my name from mom's medical and housing information"

Does this mean you live in the house that belongs to your mom or that you cannot be filled in on where mom lives?

As POA her duty is to your mom, not you. I hope you continue to be clean and sober. Hopefully not having to care for your mom's needs will help reduce stress.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Visit mom, it will inform you a good bit about her status. Knowing every detail of her medical situation isn’t going to happen, that will have to be okay. Mom is in a place of getting good help and is safe, take comfort in that. Congrats on getting clean, that’s a great accomplishment
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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The person assigned as POA cannot tell you anything about Mom or her finances. She is Moms representative and the only one who can talk to Doctors and staff.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Yesterdayanurse May 3, 2026
It’s true that only the POA or person with medical POA can obtain information from doctors and staff. But she CAN share that information with other family members. I’m POA for my husband and willingly keep his daughters informed of his condition and status. I’m not bound by HIPPA. The medical staff is.
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A hard truth is that siblings or any other family are not obligated to help. This is a personal choice they make. Maybe she has things going on in her life that you are not aware of, and adding in hands-on caregiving would tip the balance in her life. She doesn't owe anyone an explanation. You volunteered to care for your Mom, and bless you for doing it, and you had an expectation that wasn't met. Your sister's solution to your burnout was totally understandable and many on this forum who are caregiving or in burnout wish they would have this solution.

We are only getting your side of the story, so it's difficult to give appropriate guidance. As long as you are able to still visit your Mom, I would do so, and don't do anything to get you completely banned. Your Mom didn't make you her PoA for a reason. Being in her Will has nothing to do legally with anything regarding her care management while she's alive. I suggest you stop fighting for control with your sister. Just enjoy the time with your Mom that is left with her.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Why would the fact that you sister had your mom placed in the appropriate facility "hurt" you when you said yourself that you were overwhelmed with your moms and husbands care. I would think that you would be grateful instead that you can now focus on yourself and your husband.
If you are so concerned as to how your mom is doing in her new home, why don't you just go visit her and see for yourself, as your sister as moms POA doesn't have to tell you a thing.
Time for you to now stay focused on your recovery. Congrats on being clean for 13.5 months.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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