He said he would visit daily but those visits are maybe 30-40 minutes. She has zero stimulations especially on the weekends, rooms have no tv and she shares a bathroom. I live in another state have been her caregiver for the past two years going and staying months at a time. My town has a brand new care center one block from me, I want her to come here but step dad says she needs to be close to him so he can visit “when he can”. What would you do??? She has never been one to just sit around and always had family around, I don’t want her last years spent like that. Suggestions??
Now, just to be clear, I'm not saying to have your stepdad move in with you, just to the town you're living in, so he can be close to his wife, your mom.
Otherwise if he's not open to that, there really isn't much you can do, as he has the final say pertaining to the care of his wife.
I wish you well.
I would become as well acquainted with the new care center as well, checking for libraries, activities, food and menu choices, and everything else you can think of.
Is this an AL or IL facility?
You may want to talk to a lawyer about how Moms and SDs money can be split. SD should have done that when placing her to protect his share. Medicaid allows for splitting assets. Moms share gets spent down and then Medicaid applied for. Dad stays in the home and has enough money to live on.
The only way I can see this working for everyone is Mom and SD moving into an AL near you. Some have apartments or different size rooms. He would not have total care of her. If he wanted to go out, he knows she will be safe. People can have cars in these places. In Moms AL there was a woman who lived there with her husband who was the one who needed the care. When he passed, she chose to stay. This would depend though, if they had the money. I would pick one with a MC side. This way when Mom gets worse she can be transferred over but SD will be nearby.
Next: have you been to see the brand new care center? I don't think it's realistic to expect your stepfather to let your mother go lightly, and a 30-40 minute visit may be about the right length of time for both of them. But just maybe the new center might be able to accommodate both of them, and have advantages to offer stepfather too. Does he have much of a family or social network where he lives?
If you have a good relationship (other than this issue) if you seek guardianship you can kiss that relationship goodbye.
With dementia a 30 to 40 minute visit is probably the limit for a good visit. You say in your profile that mom has been living with you. What or when did that change?
I am curious. You say the facility that mom is in now is an "Old nursing home" but you classify the facility near you as a "Care center"
Many "care centers" will also share bathrooms. There is an option for a private room or having a roommate and there are ones that will have a "jack and jill" bathroom. Any of these options are just fine and acceptable.
Keep in mind the cost of an "old nursing home" VS a "new care center" might play a role in the choice made.
And I have to ask have you visited the "old nursing home" and spent some time there to see how the residents are treated. Have you checked Medicare website for violations for both centers?
If mom has "never been one to sit around" does it really matter if there is no TV in the room. It is better that she is in a community room with others. And when it is time to go to bed really you should not have a TV on. (this includes all of us!)
As she declines less and less time will be spent with activities. More time will be spent in a wheelchair or in bed. She will loose the ability to interact with others, she will loose the ability to do activities. Depending on how fast her decline is this may not be many years, it could be 9, 12, 24 months.
Talk to your mom and ask her what she wants then do it.
Sge might would rather stay there and let hubby visit every day or if offered a choice, she may want to come stay close to you.
You might check the money, maybe step-dad doesn't have the money to pay for the new place by you.
Whatever happens,, buy your mom a TV for her room
Disclsimer: I’m not, but I’ve been accused of thinking like one by my bosses (in a good way). I find negotiating with kindness and appearing laid back beats a “passionate” or loud argumentative tone.
If your mom’s competent, it’s her choice. If your stepdad has POA, it’s his choice. If you want POA to override their decisions, lay the groundwork and be realistic: Can you make a compelling winning legal argument that mom & stepdad’s reasoning is actually faulty and detrimental?
To get to yes, you need evidence and objectivity. Hard when it’s personal, isn’t it?
Document, document, document.
- What you did as caregiver for two years.
- What stepdad did or didn’t do.
- Why she was put in NH.
- How often he visits. Why it’s not adequate.
- What concerns the NH fails to address. Physical changes. Mental changes.
- Talk to your mom’s NH. Take notes. Email follow up with this is what I heard. Are we in agreement (what I heard is what you said)?
- Calls (tell mom you’re going to record the call so you can listen back and think about it, then hit record). Get specific examples to support your case. The calls become evidence about mom’s state of mind.
- Ask mom what she likes about the NH (addresses your potential bias and let’s you match what she likes to the amenities in the NH you want).
- Why the facility near you is better.
- How your family will help.
… You get the drift.
Meanwhile - and this will seem underhanded because you’re playing nice to get conversations to use against stepdad - play to his ego to find out his thoughts about the NH and what motivates him (he wants her near for emotional reasons or feels obligated or wants control or something else). Reassure him you’re not judging him or trying to be difficult, just have a different point of view and are concerned.
In later conversations, if you’re moving forward, reassure him you’re not taking her away and of course you’d keep him a part of her life and how that would look (you’ll send weekly updates, he can call mom every day, you’ll help him visit, zoom). Follow up with emails to stepdad summarizing what you heard (to be sure we’re on the same page); document his replies or lack of replies. This becomes evidence of state of mind of both parties (you and stepdad).
Ideally your conversations lead to a win-win but, if not, be prepared to lose and have acrimonious fall-out.
I knew a man in this situation; he wanted dad to move to his state and a NH 10 min from him; his sister had emotional sway over dad and then POA. She chose a NH near HER & visited “when possible” (40 min drive for her 5 hours for him). The relationship deteriorated to non-existent communication and sis held all the power.
So, warning: Let’s say you get health POA and move mom but you’ve alienated stepdad and he has financial POA. He could, in theory, get mom to change her will or spend joint funds or otherwise retaliate.
Final thought: Feel free to disagree with any of this. It’s just my approach.
Good luck.
Just because a facility is old doesn't mean that it doesn't have top notch care. Many non profit facilities are older, because they charge less and don't have shareholders to please. Do the investigation to ensure that she is being cared for or not, before you try to implement change.
Most important to remember, she is not going to be completely happy any place she is, too much change and loss for her to really be happy. Good care is what is really important now and not her wants.
This is possibly the hardest thing that we have to face with our parents. Try to see the good side of her care and realize that nobody will ever do it well enough to please us. We have to be realistic with our expectations.
I'm sure there isn't enough staff members there to give the full attention it requires to make a person feel comfortable during such a big transition .
I just think we need to remind ourselves how it might feel if it were us .
I don't mean to sound like I'm nagging on you . It's just a simple answer to your question. If you know she has no one there for her then step up to the plate and give your mother the support she needs . You'll be making her feel better and in the end you will too. It's a tough task to take on but put every effort into it. After all you didn't become an adult on your own. Someone cared for you at one time .