He told me, before the dementia, he stopped yelling at people because “after the yelling, comes the hitting”. Now that he has dementia, He’s verbally abusing me whenever anybody else makes him angry, which is all the time. He hides it from everyone else and pretends it never happens. When I tried to tell the doctor I was scared, the Doctor dismissed my concerns because it was only “words”.
Unsafe for him for me to care for him and
Unsafe for me
That was the only criteria that I had.
When it becomes unsafe for your uncle, when it becomes unsafe for you you have no other option.
Personally I think the doctor's comment is/was uncalled for and might actually be worth reporting as he is ignoring the possibility of physical violence.
The next time your Uncle gets violent call 911. Tell the dispatcher that you are afraid of physically getting hurt by this man and that you need him transported to the hospital for your and his safety. Once at the hospital you can talk to a social worker about options.
I speak from experience. I took abuse from a large, adult sized non verbal teenager who had severe autism. I was black and blue. It was terrifying to be near him. He was so strong, violent and fast that I couldn’t defend myself. He even tried to push me down stairs. Fortunately, I was able to grab onto the banister.
I was trying to help out a single mom who used to be a friend and neighbor. I sat with him since he was a toddler. He had outbursts but wasn’t violent. He became extremely violent in his teen years. She kept telling me that he needed his psych meds adjusted, so I stuck around to give her a chance to find the right meds and dosage. That was a mistake on my part.
I cut off the relationship when she did not care who her son abused.
She refused to place him anywhere even though she or no one else could handle his violence. Her reason? Because she felt that he would be abused. There was no reasoning with her when it came to her son. She was completely irrational.
Don’t become irrational like my neighbor was. There are professionals who are trained to deal with these difficult situations. Let them deal with it. That doesn’t mean that you don’t care. It means that you do care enough to do what is best for him and protect yourself at the same time.
You are not his punching bag. Mental and physical abuse is very damaging. I ended up in therapy after sitting with this young man and when I defended him due to his disability, my therapist quickly told me that I was being abused and not to make any more excuses and to protect myself by leaving a dangerous situation. He also told me that my neighbor was not a friend to me so therefore she didn’t deserve my friendship. He was one hundred percent right.
Do I feel sorry for her and him? Absolutely! But I can’t change her way of thinking for her to make the best decision for both of them. He abused his mother on a daily basis. No one will sit with him now. He even abused his grandmother who was in her seventies.
His mom was so desperate for a break that she didn’t care who her son hurt.
It just doesn’t work that way. Abuse is abuse. No one gets to allow abuse. No one deserves to receive abuse from anyone.
Please remove yourself from harm. Let someone else figure it out. Call Council on Aging. You have already notified his doctors. Call APS if you have to because others haven’t listened or cared.
Best wishes to you.
If he cant be in AL without your help, and you can't help because he is telling, then he will have to go to a higher level of care, won't he?
If you are uncomfortable, then back away, let someone else deal with him, I would not put myself in harms way, as he will not get better....only worse.
What doctor did u take him to that hasn't heard of a person suffering from Dementia and becoming violent? Is this a neurologist? Have you talked to the RN at his facility? You may want to tell her how he is abusive and threatening. They need to be aware of this to protect other residents.
You are lucky that you don't have him 24/7. You can choose to or not to visit. Please don't feel obligated. Once a week would be enough. Does he have a phone? Does he use it? Does he abuse it by calling u all the time? If there is no reason for him to have it, then "lose" it. Tell the Staff that u took it. If u can't take it away, block his calls. Call him back when u feel like it. If u have POA, you have some control. He no longer can make informed decisions. Its now what he needs not what he wants.
youre welcome ..
If he yells you tell him do not talk to me that way or I am going to leave.
If he is rude, yells, gets verbally abusive you walk out.
Simple.
Repeat step 1 and step 2 as often as is needed.
You have the option to resign as POA, no one can make you responsible, you agree and if it is to much danger then send a certified letter with your resignation letter.
There is no excuse for abuse, EVER. Let the state assign a guardian and keep yourself safe.
And since you are a caregiver for a Veteran there are options available for you. There is Caregiver Support and you would have a Social Worker that you can contact. When you call and ask to talk to the Patient Advocate ask about Caregiver Support.