100 years old, in a nursing home, very early dementia, irritable, won't eat the food unless its something I take to her. I visit twice a week, share photos with her, call relatives and friends so she can talk, make her favorite foods. She will participate in catholic mass and rosary but no other activities. Calls me every night to complain about how her day was. She is miserable but likes her aides , roommate and dining companions . often tells me she just wants to die. How do I handle all of this?
I would limit the evening call to just one. But block any further calls for the night. You need your sleep to have a decent frame of mind.
How you handle this is to think about how your Mom was given the gift of a long life, and remember she loves you too. Let her complain. I was told not to not apologize that I did what was right for my significant other. You are sad, and that is ok, you are human.
Age 100----dolphin you are doing a great job.
She can participate in the nursing home's activities. She is cared for and safe.
Don't answer her calls every night either. Let them go to Voice Mail.
Tell Mom you are starting a new job, taking a class, or some excuse why your time will be limited. Then back off!
She likes her aides, roommate and dinner companions? Then stop spoiling and babying her! You are lucky she is doing so well.
Time for clearing the way. Being a hundred years, she is loading with so much information! I think she's waiting for your approval.
I'm not sure what you mean by 'handle' all it all.
You could be talking about emotionally managing it and feeling exhausted while grieving the loss of the mom you knew and realizing she is 100 and in early stages of dementia.
You could be talking about how to interact with her.
Or both.
If it were me / my mom, I might:
* Give her more space to talk about how she feels (about dying).
She is tired and that is understandable. Some people reach that point and say 'enough already' let me go. I don't want to go through this every waking moment.
* You could hire / find volunteers to visit her. Don't ask her, just introduce them to her as 'my' (meaning your) friends. Perhaps volunteers from a college studying nursing, geriatrics, or art - and/or a volunteer could (try to) accompany her to whatever activities the nursing home has - to get her there.
* Accept that she is doing the best she can while feeling as she does (you may do this already). For instance, if she doesn't want to eat - let that be okay. If she likes milk shakes, as staff to bring her ice cream or milk shakes. At her age, it doesn't matter what she eats - or really if she does - you do what gives her moments of peace.
* Take care of yourself. Do a few nice things for yourself as you do for your mom. You need to renew yourself and enjoy your life, too.
* Let her be as she wants to be.
- If the nightly calls get to be too much, do not answer the phone.
- Just listen. I wonder if you are 'trying' to keep her alive. Of course, it is difficult letting go, although it is important to put ourself in the position of the person suffering and/or who has had enough and ready to go.
* Take yourself out for a nice cocktail (or two) and/or dinner with friends.
* Take a weekend trip or go to a local-ish Air b'n'b for a change of scenery (they have tree houses, cruisers (on land) and all sorts of 'fun' accommodations.
Here's a hug,
Gena, Touch Matters
P.S. ... oh - get her a foot massage or hire a professional for very gentle touch if she's open to it.). A head massage can be amazing. A volunteer can do this - or students in massage school needing hours.
If you find it very distressing, you might try a support group or a therapist yourself.
Mom--"I just want to die."
You respond--"Susies birthday is next week, what should we get her."
Yes, we'll all be at end of life one day, but hopefully not bitterly complaining to our loved ones every step of the way out.
You can not "fix" any of her complaints. And there is no need to respond to her complaints. Try gently steering the conversation in a different direction and discuss something more pleasant. Focus on the positive things she says and ask her to tell you more about that.
Don't make her feel guilty for wanting to die. She has lived a long life, a life that is winding down now and she's stuck in a hospital setting with dementia for the remainder of her life. She's letting you know this isn't how she wants to live. It's ok. Let her complain about it.
Speak to the doctor or nurse in charge about medications to ease anxiety or depression. That could make her feel better.
The trick is don't do this by yourself. Having company makes it better.
Since I am her daughter she feels she can vent to me. She often feels frustrated by her condition and I get the impression that the only way she can express it is by complaining about her environment. She has surprised me a couple of times recently however! The first was when she commented that the food was pretty good and more recently she told me she was happy there, just out of the blue.
I have learned to listen and let her vent but not take it seriously as long as what I see and what the staff says contradict her. I do listen and when problems sound valid I try to address those issues, but most of her complaints are just venting. I’m sure I would feel frustrated if I was in her position as well! It may not feel like it but it is a compliment that she feels safe enough with me to complain!
You can't fix old age and a lack of appreciation for the gift of living so long. Most of us do not get such a gift.
Ok, going to get serious here.
Your mom is 100...God bless her.
She is able to call you every night! Pretty amazing for someone 100 with dementia. And I even wonder about the dementia how was that diagnosed? Did she go through the battery of tests or did the doctor just do the MME and say, she has dementia? I think at 100 she is not as sharp as she once was but that does not mean dementia.
Sounds like your mom is a religious person. What do you say when she says she "just wants to die"?
This is a valid question for her.
Does she have her funeral planned out? If not ask her if she wants to do that. If it is planned you can ask her if there is anything she wants to change.
When you say she is miserable but she likes her aides, roommate and dining companions what makes you think she is miserable?
Is it because she does not participate in activities? Cuz I gotta tell you there might not be anything she wants to participate in. For her the mass and the Rosery are important not tossing a ball around, watching reruns of I Love Lucy, Bonanza and coloring.
Your mother is 100, and her time here on this earth is very limited, and I'm sure she is more than tired of this thing called living, so accept her for who she is now and where she's at at this point in her life. And when she says she just wants to die, tell her that you don't blame her and that it's ok if she wants to go, and that you will be ok when she does leave this world for the next.
When she said that she wished she was dead already, i listened. I told her she was already 95 and in poor health so it might not be much longer. What else can you say? I became honest towards the end. We both knew she was not going to get better and her quality of life sucked and it couldn’t end soon enough.
i think if she had the option to have MAID in NYS and she decided she wanted it, I would have have helped her with the steps of the process.
Sounds like your Mom is blessed, too.
You can come up with dozens of excuses to leave the phone. Just do it lovingly and reassure her you will talk on the morrow. Little to ask at 100, I think.