Dad is recently divorced, suffering from depression, morbidly obese, has blood pressure and heart problems, is heavily using pain medication for his back pain. Their dad keeps saying he will eat right, will change his lifestyle but he keeps ending up in the hospital. My son lives nearby and he and his siblings want to put him in Assisted Living. But dad talks a good talk in front of the doctor. And if confronted, he gets verbally abusive. This son he lives near has his own set of heart problems (serious cardiac issues that are genetic) and has a family of young children. He needs to focus on his own family. What kind of steps should my children (they are all in their 40s) be taking to get their dad into assisted living, even if he refuses to go?
But if he chooses to not do things, or not pay for services that is also his decision. eg if he can't/won't shop, clean, drive, this does not mean his adult kids have do it by default.
The adult kids get to decide to help (or not). They also decide how much help & when. Some call in morning & night, shop, cook etc. Others may give a daily phone call & drive to appointments. Others may only do social visits for birthdays & holidays. Every family differs.
It is Dad's responsobility to do or arrange his own help outside what is freely offered to him.
Assuming that he has funds to pay for assisted living, they can provide him with facility information but I would not waste my time until he requests that.
I have a disabled nephew who has physical problems which limit his ability to walk distances. He used to ride a bike but now is too heavy to peddle it. I have been around and around with him. So have his doctor's. I oversee him to a point but he is capable of living on his own and make his own decisions. Do I worry, yes, but I cannot change him. At 70 I refuse to keep at him. It only stresses me out and he won't change. I don't need the stress. I have his POAs but I will never go for guardianship. If in the future he needs more care, the state will need to take over. I am getting too old to be responsible for anyone other than my DH.
Social services will get involved if they see a vulnerable elder with many comorbidies who is a frequent visitor to the ER.
Your children can't force their father into a placement.
POA does not give you the responsibility you describe. A POA has to be assigned. Doesn't sound to me the man is incompetent. Even if he assigns someone POA they cannot force him to go anywhere. POAs usually are "springing" meaning the person has to be declared incompetent before it takes effect.
What you are describing is guardianship. And even then, the person has to be found incompetent.
Only if/when he ends up in rehab or hospital might this have any bearing. Certainly you can refuse to take him in and mention he isn't safe at home, but I wouldn't hold my breath that it will result in any changes!
My Dad was in Assisted Living because he needed caregivers to help him with daily tasks.
If the dad can't drive, do some limited shopping (certainly not on-demand) and/or set him up with delivery service. Most stores will do that now (for a small fee of course.) Medication can likely also be delivered.
If he can't properly clean/care for his home, provide him with information about home services. Cleaning, laundry, property care if it is a house, some personal care if needed, and any resources available to help defray the cost, etc. Give him that information and say these are his choices and leave it at that (and leave/hang up if he starts his nonsense!)
Otherwise, hands-off. If the man is combative for simple things, he won't be any better about granting any POAs or listening to suggestions. If they don't answer the phone, he can leave a message. Pick and chose any requests made in those messages - only take on the simplest tasks, if any at all. Refer back to the service information provided for anything else. Since he is still "competent", he can maintain his control over the services, not the kids!