
I've talked about this in other threads and got good responses. My sister and I are trying to move our mom from the west coast to the east coast town where we live. Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's last year. She lives alone in a 55+ community, where neighbors have stepped up to provide some supports (but I think that they are feeling care fatigue now).
I've been sharing with mom about this 1-2 month "visit" since February - to see the good doctors, eat at great restaurants, see shows! - but now she doesn't want to leave because "going to [our town] will kill her". She doesn't want to miss her exercise class and walking routine for more than a week. My sister, who will be traveling with mom, is now changing her mind about making the trip at all.
I'm not sure what to do now. My sister keeps trying to negotiate with mom. But that doesn't work. I've suggested anxiety meds to help mom with the transition, but my sister doesn't like the idea. She really wants mom to agree to come.
I could go out and help fly her back. I'm better with therapeutic fibs than my sister. I could try to get medication. Or I can step back and let what happens happen, which could be trying again in a month or letting her rot. My sister is POA.
Are these paid caregivers or friends that help out? If friends, then I feel that this is overstepping boundaries with caregiving duties. You can bring that up with your sister, and it may sink in that mom is better off on east coast and continue with the move. If she is still resisting to follow through with mom moving closer then you need to step back and tell your sister the reasons you are deciding to allow her full responsibility to act as sole POA caregiver duties.
Your sister is resistant to your advice and suggestions, therefore stop assisting. If you choose to do this, you have to accept that there may be less communication regarding medical and financial aspects. It is a tough choice and you need to accept the consequences to fully commit whatever path you take. Only you can make the choice. Wishing you peace and clarity with this difficult decision.
Mom's exercise may be as much about the social contacts as it is about exercise. It would take a while for her to build up that kind of recreational situation in your town, and maybe it would never happen. Then you've got Unhappy Mom who will blame you two for every shred of every misery she encounters. People with Alzheimers do not adjust to change well. And where does mom live if you manage to get her to your town? I hope not with either daughter!
She's a free spirit who is telling you in many ways that she wants to continue to be free. Let her. Something will happen soon enough, and even after that she may not want to leave where she is. Maybe you can make it possible for her to stay there, and if you could, it would save you and sis a whole lot of trouble during which your lives are upended and mom hates you.
It's clear that you have good intentions. I wish you luck in managing this situation, but remember, it doesn't have to be in your town. There's a reason God gave the USA two coasts and that you and sis are on one of them and mom on the other 3,000 miles away. Amen.
Your sister hasn't yet figured out how to be decisive and a creative problem solver. So, I would step away and let her flail at it on her own since she doesn't seem to like any of your solutions, either. She's already told you she's waiting for your Mom to "agree" to move (which is most likely never going to happen). Until she comes to you and asks for your solutions (and not just help with a bad plan) I would keep out of it.
Maybe refer your sister to some Teepa Snow tutorials on dementia and caregiving on YouTube. She's got a lot of great educational info that may help your sister under the lost cause of waiting for your Mom's agreement to move.
You are moving your mother because you love her and want to make sure she's well cared for and that you both can be there for her. It's: FOR HER OWN GOOD.
Talk to her doctor and get some anti-anxiety meds. Ask if they can be in liquid form. This way you can dose her beverage without her even knowing to make the travelling and transition easier.
Your and your sister moving her now before she is too far gone from Alzheimer's is a good thing. If she's still in a walking group and exercize class, she still has the ability to acclimate to a new place and make friends. It will hard for a while. She may blame and resent you and your sister and it's hard. You're doing the right thing though. Good luck to all of you.
Bring her East to your town. Do not give in, Do not back down.
I'm sure there will be places with social activities for her to enjoy in your area.
My dad would not come live with us after he went into heart failure. We lived only 25 minutes away. I'm a nurse and he said he wanted his adult children to move in with him, which was unrealistic since I had two young children at the time, one being a newborn.
Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a major event to happen to them before they are left no choice but to be with family or facility.
One option would be to hire companion care into her home a couple times a week so she feels less lonely and who could drive her places and do light housework or make a meal. Of course, I know with my parents they refused 'strangers' in their home and being that they were of pretty sound mind, that was their right to choose.
Maybe your mom will compromise with hiring companion care. Maybe also a LifeAlert of something like it? Cameras in the house to keep an eye on her.
Does she have a history of falls?