My fiancés dad moved in with us 4 years ago. He has Parkinson’s disease. Over the years his disease progressed, falls became more frequent, stairs became a challenge, getting out of a chair/bed became a challenge, dressing was done at a snails speed, and basic grooming was not being attended to, etc. Also during this time I did the heavy lift with his care giving while also working full time. I kid you not, there was one time that my fiancés dad actually had to yell at him to get his ass in here and to help him because I couldn’t do it. Anyway, I pushed and pushed to move him into assisted living. It finally happened a little over a week ago. I was looking forward to less stress, having privacy in my own home and rebuilding my relationship. 5 days after moving him he ended up in the ER. Scans showed that he likely has cancer. While this is incredibly sad the first question my fiancé asked me is if they say he has 6 months to a year to live can he move back in? I said it would depend on what his care plan looked like. My fiancé flipped saying I am not family oriented, heartless, cold, etc. and that this a dealbreaker and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. What he fails to see is that I can’t do this again, I can’t take it all back on with added complications this time. I can’t blindly agree to something without a well thought out care plan that does NOT involve me and also that the home is safe for him. Am I wrong? Should I just let him walk away? I am honestly starting to feel like unless I just cater to his wishes then I am useless to him and that he will always put his family above me.
Show him the door.
this man. He is a real loser. Caring for your boyfriend's father and risking your health while he sits by and does nothing. A lot of us would like a free caregiver but this is very costly for you.
Consider his departure from your life a gift. See a family law attorney immediately, without telling your fiance, to get advice on how to proceed with the financial aspect of your breakup, and to protect yourself from your user of a fiance from absconding with any of your money and assets in the meantime.
You are correct. He's been using you as a free caregiver for his dad and happily letting you do most of the work. This is not a partnership. You are being used. The best way to identify a "user" is that they will employ the FOG tactic when you try to stand up for yourself. FOG stands for Fear - Obligation - Guilt.
"My fiancé flipped saying I am not family oriented, heartless, cold, etc. and that this a dealbreaker and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore." - that's a textbook example of the FOG tactic in action.
You should absolutely let this person walk away.
My concern is that people like this usually do not walk away of their own accord, but instead will create more problems of their own making to keep you entangled in their lives.
Your fiance is a selfish, immature, manipulative man who is gaslighting and emotionally abusing you. That's not going to change. It always gets worse with time and in your case, he'll probably end the relationship with you soon enough.
Situations like yours are sadly becoming very common these days. An unmarried couple is living together. An aging parent needs long term care. The woman in this domestic situation usually becomes the needed caregiver and for free. She also often becomes financially dependent on the 'boyfriend'. They aren't married so the woman has absolutely no legal rights at all. Unless there are assets and bank accounts in both names, she is at the mercy and goodwill of her boyfriend if she's financially dependent on him.
You say you work a full-time job. Good. Don't give that up for anything. Get out now while you can. If you don't then you'll end up being his father's caregiver until he passes then your boyfriend will end it with you then kick you out. Don't let him take the choice of leaving him away from you.
I've had two husbands and will give you a very good piece of advice that I hope you take into your next romantic relationship. A wise old saying that is still true today.
~Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free?
You know what this means I'm sure. Everyone does. Never move in with a man until the wedding invitations have been mailed out. Especially if there's aging parents in the picture or other needy relatives. Good luck to you and stay strong.
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