My fiancés dad moved in with us 4 years ago. He has Parkinson’s disease. Over the years his disease progressed, falls became more frequent, stairs became a challenge, getting out of a chair/bed became a challenge, dressing was done at a snails speed, and basic grooming was not being attended to, etc. Also during this time I did the heavy lift with his care giving while also working full time. I kid you not, there was one time that my fiancés dad actually had to yell at him to get his ass in here and to help him because I couldn’t do it. Anyway, I pushed and pushed to move him into assisted living. It finally happened a little over a week ago. I was looking forward to less stress, having privacy in my own home and rebuilding my relationship. 5 days after moving him he ended up in the ER. Scans showed that he likely has cancer. While this is incredibly sad the first question my fiancé asked me is if they say he has 6 months to a year to live can he move back in? I said it would depend on what his care plan looked like. My fiancé flipped saying I am not family oriented, heartless, cold, etc. and that this a dealbreaker and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. What he fails to see is that I can’t do this again, I can’t take it all back on with added complications this time. I can’t blindly agree to something without a well thought out care plan that does NOT involve me and also that the home is safe for him. Am I wrong? Should I just let him walk away? I am honestly starting to feel like unless I just cater to his wishes then I am useless to him and that he will always put his family above me.
"My fiancé flipped saying I am not family oriented, heartless, cold, etc. and that this a dealbreaker and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. "
a good, immediate response would be:
"Okie dokie - Don't let the door hit you in the a** on your way out! Buh-bye, boy"
Regardless of what he or dad WANTS, dad NEEDS 24/7 oversight and care.
If his idea of bringing Dad home is round the clock in home care by professionals then it seems reasonable if he takes a leave of absence from his job to oversee this. Having cared for my mom, however, I can assure you this is NOT easy even with round the clock help. It requires planning and having back ups/ contingencies when health care workers can’t make it. You are it when workers don’t show. It is traumatic and exhausting…and I didn’t have a job to go to. If he is assuming you can resume care without 24/7 care then he is just wrong.
But the biggest takeaway here is that your Fiance is manipulating you emotionally with the threat of breaking things off and using your kindness to their advantage. He has shown you he is willing to abandon you and your relationship if you don’t do what he wants. That is nasty and calculated…dare I say Bullying behavior. It is in tough times your mate shows you what they are made of; he may be loyal to his dad but, according to your post, he hasn’t shown that to you.
You are best served by cutting your losses and picking yourself at this point. Best of luck.
My husband and I took care of his mother when she was on hospice. It was my decision and suggestion, he would never have asked me to. We were both retired and he participated fully with me. She had cancer but no Parkinson’s or any kind of cognitive issues. She was as weak as a newborn kitten but never difficult in the least. And yet it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. So you can see why I am in awe of what you’ve been through and absolutely floored that this man would treat you this way after everything you’ve done for him.
I suppose he’s in shock right now. Possibly he doesn’t realize what a burden he placed on you. People can be clueless and just totally inadequate sometimes. But what he said to you was deliberately cruel, it is ungrateful and unloving. If he doesn’t turn that around immediately I would be out of there. And no, bringing dad back and caring for him at home is not possible, not with both of you working and definitely not if he doesn’t even help. I hope you can choose yourself this time and live the life you deserve.
Your fiance is a selfish, immature, manipulative man who is gaslighting and emotionally abusing you. That's not going to change. It always gets worse with time and in your case, he'll probably end the relationship with you soon enough.
Situations like yours are sadly becoming very common these days. An unmarried couple is living together. An aging parent needs long term care. The woman in this domestic situation usually becomes the needed caregiver and for free. She also often becomes financially dependent on the 'boyfriend'. They aren't married so the woman has absolutely no legal rights at all. Unless there are assets and bank accounts in both names, she is at the mercy and goodwill of her boyfriend if she's financially dependent on him.
You say you work a full-time job. Good. Don't give that up for anything. Get out now while you can. If you don't then you'll end up being his father's caregiver until he passes then your boyfriend will end it with you then kick you out. Don't let him take the choice of leaving him away from you.
I've had two husbands and will give you a very good piece of advice that I hope you take into your next romantic relationship. A wise old saying that is still true today.
~Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free?
You know what this means I'm sure. Everyone does. Never move in with a man until the wedding invitations have been mailed out. Especially if there's aging parents in the picture or other needy relatives. Good luck to you and stay strong.
Gena / Touch Matters
you’re not qualified and it can actually put him
back
its a shame you didn’t point out that he’s the actual relative and doesn’t pull his weight and you’re not Cinderella
are you sure your partner is the right person if you took ill to look after you ?
I really think you need to reinforce to him or get someone else to to advise his medical needs - need care staff around all the time and you are not putting father in law in a vulnerable position
my mother died of cancer
she was in hospital so had care around her all the time
we took turns on cover so she was never alone
that’s what your partner needs to do
attend and cover for his slot and questions asked why not
I hope you don’t go down the road of bringing him
back to the house because it’s more stress and leaving yourself very vulnerable
I guess my place isn’t to say this but I really think you shd look at your relationship and d sure you’re not just being used
I concerned if you got I’ll in the future could you rely on him to care for you
as we get older it really is important to have a support network
try and make sure you establish one and don’t be bullied into any guilt trips
its his father and he is dodging any responsibility
You need to move on. Your partner's had the luxury of free care for his dad for years, at the expense of your peace of mind.
He sounds selfish and manipulative--two character flaws that will still be there once his father has passed on.
Save yourself the delayed trauma of being used for the next 6 months,
He will cut you free once his dad's dead because he's already told you that he doesn't want you. The person that can give you that ultimatum is the person that's not attached to you enough to ride out any marital and child raising challenges, and has a foot out the door already.
Listen to what he's saying.
Get your life back.
Not neccesarily. I know older couples who don't marry because they would lose income and benefits if they did. I know a couple who have been together for years. She is 71 and her partner 'boyfriend' is 74. She was widowed years ago. If she were to legally marry again, she would lose her late husband's pension which is a lot and his excellent health insurance benefits. They're very commited to each other and have been for a long time. They even own property together. Getting married would cause financial trouble for them.
And, expects you to do all the work, as an unpaid caregiver to his family.
This will be your life unless you change it and refuse. You are absolutely right that you should not and can not take this on without a well thought out care plan.
You are not qualified. period.
I'm sorry, it may be easy for me to say, but I think it's time you call your fiance's bluff. You may feel emotionally attached, and probably at this point, you are somewhat financially attached to this demanding fiance. But, I think it's time you leave and let him take care of his father on his own. If you are truly important to him, he will ask you back into his life. But you are more important than serving as a slave caregiver for a man who is taking you for granted.
BTW: just wondering - are you really engaged to be married? Have a wedding date planned? Or is this just a live-in relationship with a boyfriend who is using you as long as it suits him?
Do you have family or a friend you can stay with? Or are you financially independent enough to rent your own apartment? Yes, you should just let him walk away!
Show him the door.
this man. He is a real loser. Caring for your boyfriend's father and risking your health while he sits by and does nothing. A lot of us would like a free caregiver but this is very costly for you.