My fiancés dad moved in with us 4 years ago. He has Parkinson’s disease. Over the years his disease progressed, falls became more frequent, stairs became a challenge, getting out of a chair/bed became a challenge, dressing was done at a snails speed, and basic grooming was not being attended to, etc. Also during this time I did the heavy lift with his care giving while also working full time. I kid you not, there was one time that my fiancés dad actually had to yell at him to get his ass in here and to help him because I couldn’t do it. Anyway, I pushed and pushed to move him into assisted living. It finally happened a little over a week ago. I was looking forward to less stress, having privacy in my own home and rebuilding my relationship. 5 days after moving him he ended up in the ER. Scans showed that he likely has cancer. While this is incredibly sad the first question my fiancé asked me is if they say he has 6 months to a year to live can he move back in? I said it would depend on what his care plan looked like. My fiancé flipped saying I am not family oriented, heartless, cold, etc. and that this a dealbreaker and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. What he fails to see is that I can’t do this again, I can’t take it all back on with added complications this time. I can’t blindly agree to something without a well thought out care plan that does NOT involve me and also that the home is safe for him. Am I wrong? Should I just let him walk away? I am honestly starting to feel like unless I just cater to his wishes then I am useless to him and that he will always put his family above me.
WOMEN ARE NOT SUPERWOMEN! It's his dad and he should be doing the taking care of his own father that includes handling all logistics and personal care and hiring home care aides to help out and paying for the services himself.
No, please bow out gracefully on this one. Your man child's father will be safe in a facility where there are round the clock nurses and doctors available to see to his needs. It comes a time where a person will need 24/7 care and being at home is not feasible for all involved.
His son sounds like a lazy and manipulative piece of work. Do not marry this man! Don't give in to his tantrums and manipulative tactics. People like this don't stop. Trust and believe, when his father passes, he will find something else to whine about.
You're not your fiancee's first priority. And I sort of don't blame him since you're not technically married and this is a very emotional situation for him. But he doesn't seem to be good at navigating difficult emotional issues or problem solve wisely and equitably.
I'm currently housing a family friend (33 yrs old, 6'2") who has a terminal brain tumor. When we agreed to house him, he was already compromised on his left side so he can't cook, drive, do lots of things. Now he has chemo-brain, or some cognitive decline so we have to prompt him or guess what he needs. It is way more work than I even imagined. We're not doing his hospice. All this to say you can not imagine how much more work it will be, and what it will do to your life and relationship. No amount of money would be enough, either, even if he paid you a wage and benefits equal to what you're now getting. Since you live there you'd be on call 24/7 and then feel guilty when you want to run away, like now -- you have to ask a forum of total strangers a very obvious question because of your guilt and conscience -- which your fiancee doesn't seem to have.
His Dad should qualify for LTC in a good facility that accepts Medicaid and offers hospice services. He needs to research this as the solution. His Dad needs to get his legal ducks in a row before he can't. Even if your fiancee and his Dad do go this route, I would end it with this guy. You've invested many years just so that you can be treated like dirt when the rubber meets the road -- which is much of life as an adult.
Move out and move on. Nothing good will come from staying there.
Your fiance has been showing you for the last 4 years who he truly is. It's time you believe him, and quit living in denial.
You deserve SO much better!
You are correct. He's been using you as a free caregiver for his dad and happily letting you do most of the work. This is not a partnership. You are being used. The best way to identify a "user" is that they will employ the FOG tactic when you try to stand up for yourself. FOG stands for Fear - Obligation - Guilt.
"My fiancé flipped saying I am not family oriented, heartless, cold, etc. and that this a dealbreaker and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore." - that's a textbook example of the FOG tactic in action.
You should absolutely let this person walk away.
My concern is that people like this usually do not walk away of their own accord, but instead will create more problems of their own making to keep you entangled in their lives.
You are correct that he has put his family above you. Wow. He doesn't sleep with his Dad, does he? I'd ask him to leave anyway after he flipped out on you about debating his Dad coming back. Get him OUT while you can and are still young to have a great life.
No way in hell would I allow his Dad back in again, not after 4 years of being an Unpaid Caregiver Slave. You need to focus on your career and future, not caregiving an old man that is not even your own Father.
You will always be second place, and just had it proven to you beyond any doubt.
Dad has a new place with 24/7 professional assistance. Why would his user son want him to give that up? He never helped him the last 4 years, did he?
Consider his departure from your life a gift. See a family law attorney immediately, without telling your fiance, to get advice on how to proceed with the financial aspect of your breakup, and to protect yourself from your user of a fiance from absconding with any of your money and assets in the meantime.