Back story, my newlywed wife of 6 months has been taking care of her 88 year old Chinese dad with dementia for last 8 months (beginning of April)…
Besides caregiving her dad which I assist with here and there, she rescues dogs and particularly those with health problems. We have 3 dogs on top on caregiving responsibilities (2 of the dogs have epileptic seizures randomly)… Be it all the responsibilities we have, I feel we as a newlywed couple have taken a back seat. I feel me and particularly our relationship have taken a noise dive- are a distant 3rd priority.
I’m also concerned as my wife has been professionally and medically diagnosed with bi- polar disorder, severe depression and anxiety over 30 years. She is on 4 different physiatric medications for all this on top of hormone replacement therapy. It’s caused her to stay up real late (like falling asleep until 6am-sleeping well into the day… getting up well into the day well after 3pm) and racing to fight the day… focus on caregiving-entertaining her dad. It’s gotten to the point her dad ends up roaming around out front of the house, pacing and looking confused. A couple times, I’ve been so concerned, I was worried if he locked himself out of the house as he would literally stand out front just staring into the front windows of the house and front door while at work or handling responsibilities that take me away from the house (we have a home security camera system)… that I also had to drop everything I’m doing, even almost asking to leave work as my wife was asleep-didn’t answer her phone.
It’s just become beyond overwhelming, beyond emotionally stressful that I’m seeking individual counseling and beyond resentful. We are in marriage counseling. My wife says changes will be made, but still hesitant and sometimes back peddles on wanting to get a full time professional caregiver or consider assisted living. She feels her priorities and responsibilities with her dad, the dogs come first… while acknowledging we do need to make us a priority and marriage.
To top it off, her brother who lives over seas, makes all the executor decisions financially and they have a relationship that’s very toxic.
I’m exhausted, overwhelmed, and scared our relationship is doomed unless I conform to the demands of ultimate my wife’s family-everyone else’s needs! I desperately want US to work but I think severe changes need to be made for her dad’s safety, the dogs safety and ultimately US together and individually.
Am I being a narcissist, insensitive or a “martyr” for feeling this way? I don’t know what to do. Nothing seems to be ultimately clicking when I talk to her. She gets overwhelmed, angry and wants to separate into different rooms-half communication whenever we get into a deep discussion about all this.
Thank you for any and all input…
I have a bi polar step daughter who's SO impossible and unreachable, it's insanity even trying to deal with her. She's now cut off her father 100% and hasn't spoken to either of us in 2 yrs. We get no contact with our granddaughters either, bc mommy is also very spiteful. It's actually been a relief NOT dealing with this woman anymore. Truth.
I don't know what you CAN do unless your new wife agrees to therapy and medication. If she's shut down to that, you're facing a life of chaos as you're seeing now. Nerves of steel can't even manage to deal with such people. Nothing clicks with them.
Best of luck to you.
The sex was probably incredible and mind blowing while they had it. That is how a bipolar woman on a manic hooks a husband.
My sister is unmedicated bipolar and I suspect your wife is unmedicated because she is absolutely on a manic right now.
You need get your wife to the doctor and possibly have her committed because she is a danger to others, her dad.
You can’t let your wife’s mental illness run your life because as you are experiencing, it only results in chaos.
If I were you, I’d cut my losses and divorce her or get an annulment. I don’t say that often around here.
Get out now while you are still sane.
I'm not certain that counseling helps someone whose BPD is not under "control". Counseling requires us to be our rational selves, otherwise it is an exercise in futility.
Not sure how much money you want to throw into the counseling, but maybe it's a reasonable idea to give her benchmarks before you decide to take an action: 3 months/12 counseling sessions with no improvement means you decide to exit the marriage.
Is her Dad an American citizen? If not, his ability have access to social safetynets like Medicaid might be blocked. As he needs more and more care, the cost of the care increase dramatically. Where will this effort/money come from?
I don't think you're being a narcissist but I do think you don't have clear boundaries or a trigger for an exit plan. You didn't cause her BPD and you can't fix it, no matter how much you care for her. Sometimes staying with such a person really amounts to enabling. You may be in for a very very chaotic and bank-draining relationship with her.
My friend's son just divorced his wife whose BPD has finally reached a point of reckoning. He didn't really want to divorce her but the devastion she created was more than he could handle. They were married way longer than you. And he finally had to admit it was completely beyond his control, with no end in sight.
I'm not trying to judge you, but how long did you know her before you got married? How old is she? How old are you? More information gives more context for better suggestions.
I'm mentioning the cultural expectations because to me it is so obvious. I have knowledge of Chinese culture. A lot of knowledge about it, in fact. And I have many Chinese and Chinese-American friends. I will tell you this - if you throw out the bi-polar problem, the dog problem, the marriage problems, and every other problem you've mentioned, you will still have this: She and her dad (and he's now a big part of this) will cling to that culture no matter what else is available. It is deeply ingrained. It will prevail and you will never win.
To me, since you seem to be from my culture, which I, like everyone else in the world, think is the best, everything you say you want does make sense. To wife and father, it does not and will not. People stay true to their cultures of origin most of the time. Especially if they're Chinese.
You're not being a narc or insensitive. You are being true to your culture. During the courtship, you couldn't have picked up on all the cultural issues, mental health issues, etc. etc., and she may have hidden a lot from you on purpose because she realized you weren't ready for it. Sneaky! No wonder you're resentful.
Looking at what's ahead for you, I vote for annulment or divorce. I don't see you being happy in this marriage because there's too much resentment, and she's controlling the whole situation. That's not likely to change.
As for dad, he needs to go to memory care. He's not safe at home alone. She won't allow him to go, though, I'm sure about that. Filial responsibility is a HUGE thing in that culture.
You can either go now or waste another — years of your life trying to bend to wife's demands. You decide, but I wouldn't do it if I were you. There are many more fish in the sea! Get out before it's too late.
Maybe this will jolt your wife into getting back on her meds and getting herself together. Maybe it won't. You can make decisions about you life going forward from there.
We dated for 9 months before getting married. I didn’t know quite the extent of her situation with emotional issues until a couple months within the marriage. Plus we didn’t live together fully until getting married. When we dated prior to her dad moving in with her, she was a completely different person and I miss that. I love her and deep down has the most amazing heart of gold.
I think though with everything on the plate, her brother and just getting emotionally exhausted… I’m going to write something that I want to share in couples therapy with her tomorrow . Everyone is right about establishing boundaries and at this point we do need benchmarks. I try to be sympathetic and truly want all this to work! But I can’t and not looking to save someone that doesn’t want us fully and also take into consideration what’s best for her dad… and dogs as well!
She let her Medicaid lapse and have been on her to renew. Hopefully she can regain her health insurance asap to seek better medicine management as I think everything she is all on, is not good or right for her situation.
Just for the record, i’m not trying to slam her…. I’m open for self improvement as well and if I’m not being a great supportive husband, then I want to make improvements to change that.
Thank you kindly!
Many of us fell in love with people where it didn’t last, either in a relationship or in a marriage. The sooner you bring this to a close, the sooner you can both move on.
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