Hello all,
I am the Power of Attorney for our dad who has dementia...I live a few hours away from him... My younger brother Paul lives with him and cares for him 24x7 at this point...He has respite care and other assistance multiple days per week.
I pay all of the bills online (that I am aware of), but the problem I currently have is that Paul refuses to send me any of his past mail (which would include any outstanding bills), or any of his spending receipts (which he agreed to do when dad returned to his home from out of state in mid 2024 after being diagnosed with advanced dementia)...Paul was consistently mailing me the accumulated mail and receipts for about a year, but I've received nothing since Sept 2025...I recently put in a change of address for the mail so it will now come to me instead.
Paul also refuses to maintain any or sort of budget in regard to spending, which has been an ongoing issue since he has been an adult (he's now in his mid 50's), which is why I send have sent him a check on a monthly basis that is more than enough to cover daily living expenses...I've tried reaching out to him on multiple occasions to try and resolve whatever differences exist, to see if the financial arrangement needs to be amended, but he refuses to reply because he is of the opinion that he is in charge of everything and I answer to him rather than vice versa.
I reached out to a mediator to try and help put our differences aside, but Paul told the mediator that he would not participate unless I first paid all of his outstanding bills (which I assume means that he has non-agreed to expenditures that are above and beyond the monthly 'stipend' that I send to him).
I believe he takes good care of our dad but I can't go on under this arrangement...I don't want to vindictively move our dad into an adult living center and kick him to the curb but I also can't continue to deal with his lack of cooperation or letting him spend money on a whim as it appears he is.
Any thoughts as to how to handle this situation would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Tom
Have a care contract drawn up that is very specific as to what Paul’s duties are and how much he gets paid. Paul should be paid a decent wage for caregiving , not just expenses . You may be surprised at how much Paul should actually be paid.
Paul has been living off our dad's time for his entire life, and for the most part under his roof...While dad lived out of state for about 15 years until returning home Paul continued living in the house under the guise of 'taking care of it'...His only expenses were his food and good times, as dad paid for the taxes, utilities, and all other necc expenses.
I appreciate your thoughts
Did Paul give up a job to take of your dad? Did he give up a home to move in with your dad? Or has he always lived with your dad and lived off of him? Or somewhere in between?
Paul has never been married and has pretty much lived off dad's support his entire life (such as when he got in legal trouble in his mid 20's and cost him about $20K to get him out of it, paid neglected loans, bills, etc...)...He had a legit job (either above or below the table) for probably 10 years of his adult life, otherwise has just found ways to get by however necessary.
He decided when dad came back home that he did not want him going into an adult home and that he would take care of it.
He volunteered to take care of dad
Also tell Paul that any expenses that are not pre approved will not be paid until they are reviewed by the attorney.
You would also be within your "power" as POA to place dad in a MC facility and sell the house that will help pay for his care. Paul can then find another place to live and have to locate another "gravy train" to supplement his income.
Now that you are getting the mail, can you set up online accounts for all the recurring bills, and set them to autopay? Then you'll know they're being paid and you won't have to rely on your brother to pay them from the monthly stipend. Going online will also enable you to see if any are past due and catch them up.
What if instead of sending a cash stipend, you got a credit card with yourself as the primary and Paul as an authorized user, so that you would have all the expenditures tracked and recorded? You could keep the credit limit low to prevent abuse, and check daily for any unauthorized expenditures.
What is the situation with the house? Does your father have a will or a trust that directs what will happen to it? Is Paul expecting to inherit and stay in it? Could it be sold to pay for your dad's care in memory care, either now or if needed later? Does your dad have enough money to sustain himself, or is needing to sell the house likely inevitable?
You do have the obligation under POA to handle the finances to benefit your father and no one else. It seems that at this point it would be fair to pay Paul for his caregiving. Yes, he has mooched off of Dad in the past, and yes, he is getting free room and board right now. But taking care of a dementia patient is work and if he really is doing hands-on care, rather than just living in the home and letting the paid caregivers do all the work, then he is entitled to a weekly salary or an hourly wage (not necessarily 40 hours, but something fair). Theoretically he would be responsible and use some of it to save for his own future. Whether he does or not, that is out of your hands. But the responsible thing is to give him the opportunity, whether he chooses to use it or squander it. So the autopayments and credit card would be for your dad's benefit, and then Paul's payments would be his own. You'd need to set him up under either 1099 or W2 for tax purposes, so you might need to talk with an accountant or elder law attorney to set this up.
How would doing that, with the current assistance in place, compare financially with placing your father in a facility? You'd still have that as an option, in which case Paul would have to finally launch into adulthood. What would your father's feelings be about that?
I know this is very frustrating. I think of people with this uncooperative mindset as stomping their feet and saying "you can't make me."
Wills, IMO, are what ifs, what if I die tomorrow. Your Dad may have left house to brother BUT...if you need to sell that house to care for Dad, the Will means nothing.
Sooner or later your brother will need to fend for himself, you are not legally bound to care for him. Your Dad did him no favor enabling him. I would not pull the rug out from under him but you cannot use Dads money to support him unless you have a caregiving contract. If Dad ever needs Medicaid, supporting brother would be considered a gift and Dad could be penalized.
I too think you should bring Dad closer to you, if he can afford it. Maybe allow brother to stay in the house as long as he can keep up the bills that includes taxes. This means he gets a job. I would make it clear to him that you personally will not support him. By not working, he may not get any SS which means no Medicare. I would put it all in writing.
Caring for your loved one at home us much less expensive than in a facility. You did not mention whether expenses drastically increased or whether you are just annoyed he stopped sending you the statements.
It sounds to me that sibling issues might be clouding your judgment. Your dad shouldn't be a pawn in this. Your dad made his decisions about your brother and he also decided, probably wisely, to make you POA. It sounds like he was fine with the "mooching."
I am not saying your brother is free to spend all of your dad's money however he likes. But your post drips with scorn for him. I think you should find an eldercare lawyer or a therapist or a geriatric case manager who can help you objectively evaluate the situation.