Good evening everyone. I am typing at 11:04 pm because I am too distraught to sleep. Last year my three siblings and I moved our mother from an independent living floor to the assisted living floor in the same apartment complex. I have PoA for Mom's financial and legal matters. My younger sister and I were co-agents on the original document, but I felt the requirement for two signatures on checks, legal documents, etc. was too cumbersome and younger sister did not want the responsibility anyway. So Mom's attorney created a new PoA document, now signed by Mom and properly notarized, which names me as primary agent with older sister as alternate agent. When Mom moved to her new apartment, I failed to change the address on her car registration and title. My younger sister is furious with me that I did not make the required changes in a timely manner. We live in a state that requires such changes be made within 30 days of the address change. Should I have notified DMV? Yes. Mom is no longer capable of making these changes and in fact she no longer drives. We have not changed the address on her license either. Tonight at 9:30 younger sister sent me a very long text message berating me for having neglected my duties as Mom's POA. I am so tired of having to deal with family dynamics in addition to caring for Mom. I have done a lot for Mom in the three and a half years she has lived in this western MA town. I have scheduled and transported her to appointments with doctors, dentists, orthopedic surgeons and accountants. This year Mom was unable to sign her tax returns so I had to fill out forms indicating that I was acting as her agent. Last year, in the space of two weeks, after Mom fell, I took her to her PCP, and then to hospital for X-rays, and then to pharmacy for medication. In that same time period I took Mom to ophthamologist because older sister was concerned about her vision. I am just tired. Younger sister has expressed her concern many times that I get addresses changed. I just wish she would spend an equal amount of time thanking me for what I have done for Mom. So. If any of my fellow caregivers can give me practical advice for how to resolve the registration/ license/title issue, I would be most grateful. And please give me suggestions on how to deal with family members during this difficult time when our mother is approaching the end of life.
I’m sorry you have to deal with all this but actually you don’t have to. Figure out some boundaries and stick to them.
And don’t share details with the others. If sis hadn’t known about your failure to make the changes, she wouldn’t have had the ammunition to attack you. You’re POA and you shouldn’t be sharing details of mom’s business with anyone.
If younger sis is going to call you out for DMV, you should take a strong stance on that. either 1) leave you alone for such minor things or 2) if younger sis thinks its a big deal, then let her take on lead POA and the full responsibility then
as is often said, the peanut gallery cant complain too much , lest they be promoted from the peanut gallery to the front line
Is sister actually mad about something else..?
I live in a state that has the 30 day change requirements and you only get a fix-it ticket if you get "caught". So I would not be worried about consequences for this.
You are doing a great job for your mom, don't listen to anyone that isn't helping you or mom tell you otherwise, disconnecting from the nonsense is a great solution.
If I am, do you know HOW I know that? 1) I can tell by the way you titled your post "Not handling responsibilities well". And 2) I am describing myself; at least until I began being my mom's caregiver. Then for my own sanity, I had to change some very basic personality traits, like those I just described.
It seems to me that you ARE handling your responsibilities ***extremely*** well. Mom is safe and cared for. The important parts of her life - paying her bills, seeing her doctors, etc. are being handled. This nonsense with the DMV? That's just your sister trying to maintain a measure of control over things. Changing mom's address with the DMV was rightfully so very far down on your list of priorities that it never even got to your radar, and here comes sissy making, as Shakespear would have said "much ado about nothing". DMV doesn't care. The only people who might have had issue with it would have been the police if mom was driving and she got pulled over, but mom doesn't drive, so that point is moot. This is truly a case of "no harm, no foul". Don't fret for one minute over it.
Whether this is part and parcel of your sister's mental illness, or her feelings are hurt that she is no longer the POA - yes, I know she SAID she didn't want the responsibility, but clearly, she still wants the control - really doesn't matter one iota. She knows you well enough to know how to hurt you, and that means attacking your sense of responsibility.
You need to do 2 things, and I know that these are both easier said than done, and I know this from personal experience! You need to ignore her histrionics over what is really an extremely minor item, and - much more importantly - you need to realize that you are doing an amazing job taking care of mom and handling all aspects of her life now that she (mom) no longer can!
Make this your personal mantra: "Do your best. Leave the rest. Angels do no more". Don't let anyone add guilt and shame onto the already almost unbearably heavy burden called caregiving that you bear.
Good luck!
Don't have any expectations of gratitude from her. You'll be much happier.
When she starts with the drama, use the "grey rock method", so she never gets a rise out of you.
Since you say this sister doesn't have a job, is there anything useful she could be doing, like accompanying mom to appointments, running errands, etc.?
I realize that might be more trouble than it's worth, but if every time younger sister bothers you with a complaint, you ignored her complaint and only responded by asking for a favor, perhaps that would either get her to actually help or at least train her not to bother you so much.
All POAs can make these mistakes.
It is almost impossible to keep in your mind EVERYTHING that needs doing.
Now, as to your troubled and troubling sibling. There is absolutely nothing to be done about people of this ilk. They are put upon the earth to challenge our sanity. That you are still sane is a very good thing.
Good.
Now it is clear that nothing can be done to change an idiot.
So, next time (and every time) you get a diatribe such as this from Sis I suggest that you respond this way.
"Thank you for your thoughts; be assured I will give them long consideration".
If she comes back say "Still considering, Sis. Have a great day".
Keep contact minimal.
And how, by the way is sister getting this information.
Were changes of address for mail not made so that it comes to YOU?
How is she hearing these details?
It is best not to share too many details with Sis.
Now, carry on. You're doing a good job. This is not easy. You are not God and not perfect, and you never will be perfect.
Good luck Wheat
This is a practical response that speaks the truth, yet is compassionate and brilliant.
I love reading wise responses from posters who don’t come off as smug, ‘know it alls.’
Our entire life is trial and error, right? We aren’t handed an instruction booklet when we exit our mother’s womb.
We live and learn.
Sell the car.
Ignore deadbeat sister . Don’t give her info . Just say everything is taken care of .
You are the responsible one .
Take care of yourself and try not to judge yourself. There are enough people out there who will do that you don't have to be one of them (speaking from experience... It took some counseling to get to a better place)
I will only add that, no one knows exactly what you are going through unless they have walked in your shoes.
They certainly don’t have any right to judge you.
My hubby was POA for his Dad .
6 months prior to hubby becoming POA, his Dad sold his condo and moved to independent living on his own . Address change number one .
It was quite apparent he and his wife didn’t belong in IL but were refusing AL . The wife died and my hubby rescued Dad from Florida to bring him back up north and place him in Assisted living .
He stayed with us until we found a place . Address change number 2 to get his mail . Along with new bank accounts nearby .
Then when he went to AL . Address change number 3.
2 months later he moved to a larger room in same AL building . Address change number 4.
Whelp 4 address changes in a span of 10 months ( 3 of them within 4 months and new bank accounts in a new state ) was a red flag and social security stopped depositing his monthly payment . They flagged it as possible stolen monies . They said families do it all the time to steal social security payments from their elders .
It was a fiasco to get his payments started up again .
Her license, change the address when she gets an ID to replace the license. The only reason she needs a change of address for a license is if she is in an accident. Looks like Mass renews every two years for registration. If registration renewal is not far away, make the change then. You may be able to do both address changes on line.
Tell your sister to but out. You are POA and as such you are not responsible to her. You are not obliged or should you tell any of your siblings about Moms finances. Thats between u and Mom. And tell her instead of criticizingvam thank you would be nice.
That resolves some of the issues.
If a letter cam to your mom with her old apartment address on it would she get the letter? I doubt notifying the DMV of the change is going to land you, mom or anyone else in the slammer. (I doubt if there would even be a fine)
The other party to notify of a change of address would be her insurance carrier.
Tell them she’s been ill and hasn’t been driving so it slipped your mind . DMV by me in the Northeast was very nice when we took my FIL for an ID card . He had an expired drivers license from Florida that he had been driving a year with during Covid down there before we brought him up by us .
When you move to my state , Our DMV requires you surrender a drivers license from another state and give it to them, they destroy them . They didht care it was expired nor did it have his last address in Florida on it .