Here is my situation. I am 69 yrs. old retired and moved to Oklahoma to be near my family, a niece and her husband who are the most normal of my family. Her mother (my sister) can't function due to the loss of her son over 15 yrs. ago. Anyway, I moved here to help my neice and husband since they have 5 kids. The oldest is 24yrs old, she is very responsible and helps her mom when she can. I care for my elderly mother and have asked my niece and my great niece (the 24-yr-old) to stay with my mom for a weekend so I can get a break. Neither has ever helped and they rarely visit despite living right around the corner from us. I have given them money, helped them and not once have they offered to sit with their grandmother. I have lived in Oklahoma, which is not where I had planned to live until this happened to my mom. I do have a brother who will sit with my mom. He has issues too, but is the only one I can depend on. Should I say something to my other family members or just leave it alone?
You cannot control what others do, only your reaction to it. I would leave it alone, you can't make people do things they don't want to do. And you don't want anyone caring for mom that doesn't want to.
What is the plan as your mother needs more help? And what is the plan for YOU? Do you expect your niece and family to become your eventual caregivers?
What is your mother's financial situation? Are you POA? If so, then pay for respite so you can get away sometimes.
Which is it? There seems to be a serious communication problem going on.
Did you ever come out and ask your niece and great-niece in plain language why they will not give you a break and babysit your mother for a week-end?
Ask them and ask them plainly. Give them a chance to explain their reasons.
Does your mother have dementia?
Is she incontinent?
Does she wander around?
Is she aggressive and nasty to be around?
Did they always have a poor relationship with her?
Talk to them plainly and give them a chance to talk to you.
Also, you can put your mother into a nursing home or memory care facility paid for by Medicare and her secondary insurance for up to two-weeks a year respite stay. Yes, Medicare pays for facility respite caregiving services so caregivers can take a break.
Look into it.
A private caregiver can be hired to stay for the week-end too.
There are options so you can get some time off. Your niece and great-niece are not the only ones.
Generally speaking, these type of plans do not work out.
The 24 yo is helping her mother, seems like some will be in school most of the day and if needed she can hire someone to help her otherwise.
All I can say is stop giving them money, use it for respite, place your mother there for a weekend or a week so you can have some time of your own.
Wishing you the best of luck
Contact your local Senior Center see if they have programs that can provide caregivers or volunteers that can sit with mom for a few hours.
Area Agency on Aging.
Contact Alzheimer's Association and find out what is available in the area.
Use moms assets to pay for a caregiver.
Contact a Hospice and see if mom would qualify for Hospice. You would get all the supplies and equipment that you need as well as a Nurse that would come every week and a CNA that would come 2 times a week to give mom a bath and order supplies.
Other than your brother I would leave it alone, it is not your niece's responsibility to watch your mom.
Stop GIVING them money and "helping" them (whatever that means). If they need money they can work for it, they can sit with your mom for a few hours $15.00 to 20.00 per hour with a 5 hour minimum.
You don't mention your moms finances, but maybe she should be placed and then you can manage her care and visit her as often as you like. Then you don't have to rely on others to step up to give you a break. It's one of those airplane suggestions.... put your own mask on first before you try to help others.
I understand where ur coming from. I had no help with my Mom either just my DH and there were limits in what he could do. I eventually put her in Adult care 3x a week on her dime. Maybe get an aide a few times a week to give u a break. Moms dime first, urs second. I eventually placed my Mom in an AL and when her money ran out, LTC on Medicaid.
If Mom has no money try Medicaid. They have in home care and pay for Adult care.
Plan your move and your next vacation............aloha!
You say you moved to help your niece with her family.
You are now helping your mom. I'm unclear what happened to mom that she requires help.
Your niece and great niece are caring for your sister?
And you have asked them to care for mom so you can get a break.
Have they said "no"?
Who are the "other family members" you want to share this with?
Do you mean that you want to complain to others that you are not being helped? It was you who decided to move, right?
Perhaps you should decide what you WANT to do and not expect others to support your plan if you haven't asked if they are willing.
You can only control your behavior. If you want to live elsewhere, move. Take your mother with you if you wish and she agrees to go.
The list of services includes caregiver support specifically, so I think it would be worth giving them a call even if it's only for advice.
Your mom requires a lot of care. Don’t risk being burned out by doing too much and neglecting yourself. Your needs are equally important to your mother’s needs.
Have you called Council on Aging in your area for an assessment of her needs and recommendations for care?
Have you considered placing your mom in a facility? I wouldn’t expect your family members to pitch in. They have their own lives to live. It looks like they are struggling with their own issues.
People don’t usually mind helping out once in a while. It becomes a burden on others when a person needs full time care.
Are you wanting your great niece to care for your Mother so you can be free to care for your niece's children? Wouldn't that be for herself & her own siblings?