Not sure whether I should leave my 61-year old husband?

This post hit a nerve with many of us here.

This made me think about my father who left my mother who was dedicated and didn't have a job because he didn't want her to work.

Fast forward, I'm in high school and he meets this woman who is about twenty barely out of her late teens with a couple of kids from different fathers. She leeches on to dad even though he is still married to mom. This affair goes on from the time I was in high school to when I'm in my mid thirties. They tie the knot after mom dies. She is younger than my older siblings. The grandchildren call her grandma. After dad got old and things were no longer fun, he started seeing who she really was. This is an opportunist or gold digger type. Plus dad was in his mid fifties when he met her.

This is not the same situation with this poster since her husband was not all that old when they married. They spent twenty-four years together and had some bumps in the road with his mismanagement of money.

She feels cheated our of a spouse and finances. None of us knew what was down the line when we married these men. My third husband passed in 2016. We didn't get a chance to sort out the financial part because we were newly married. This type of thing can happen to anyone no matter the age.

I understand her anger which is actually fear for the future and feeling cheated out of a marriage and relationship. Eventually, she will calm down to make a decision what is best for the both of them in the long run.

Marriage isn't always a bed of roses. Sometimes all you end up getting are the thorns and sitting on them.

I don't think she means that she is a nurse with a purse since she had been married over twenty years, but just saying this out of frustration.

Taking care of sick people can be the most tiring and frustrating experience. She is losing a spouse. To me, this anger is part of the anticipated grieving process.

Burnt,

I've just reported your replies to nothappy46 because IMO they're quite cruel... verging on abusive. Opinions are fine, but do you have to destroy a person to get your point across?

P.S - I just re-read this entire thread... -and I realize it's not just your reply that I find offensive, it's a "pile-on" from other forum posters too.
...Judgemental, unkind, non-supportive, kicking a person when they're down and vulnerable...it's like a angry mob picking up a rock and virtually "stoning" a person IMO.

Any possibility your husband is trying to get rid of you?

My #1 first tried to ruin me and impoverish our children but I stuck it out because ‘til death do us part’. When that didn’t work he tried a more tried and true method. That one did the trick. If it hadn’t, it very likely could have been ‘til death do us part, but much sooner than anyone would have anticipated!

He was not older than me, he was just pathetically passive -aggressive.

When your husband puts you in a precarious financial position, it is time to get out of Dodge. Divorce him and don’t look back.

I've been divorced twice and divorced my second husband for financial reasons. He ran me into the ground financially. He ran up a rack of credit card bills not being able to pay them back. I had to divorce him before I was completely ruined. It is a long story. However, we were the same age. This man had all sorts of mental health issues and was physically abusive. I tried seeing a marriage counselor with him. It didn't work because he was he!! bent on destroying himself and taking me along with him. He was a sick person, and I stayed married to him until he choked my daughter. That was it.

It is true about the nurse with a purse or being a hospice wife is the new term. Men are diliberately marrying younger with homes and health insurance. I know this is true because I've over heard conversations from men while on public transportation getting women for the health insurance and moving into their homes. Most of these guys are in the early sixties targeting women in their mid forties wanting to get married.

Since I'm already retired and have Medicare, I'm no longer a good catch. LOL

Divorce this man. There is no shame in divorce. I'm not going to send you on a guilt trip because I know you are suffering as a young woman. My daughter is your age, and I wouldn't want to see her marrying an older man in his sixties.

This story is very important for all caregivers especially women.
Do not neglect your financial health as well.
Similar story.
My GF’s husband now ex, gambled and tried to recuperate losses by investing in questionable( high return, too good to be true) businesses and kept borrowing against their house. Needless to say lost it all. She is left at sixty with nothing. Her retirement looks bleak.
So does mine potentially as my husband will require extensive care in the next 10 years, but being fiscally responsible and savvy he deserves it. If he needs AL for 10,000- 12,000 per month he deserves the best, but so do I, I am working on it as I deserve the best either.
It is really not a question of deserving, it is more of how conduct ourselves in marriage.
Lack of financial responsibility, neglectful, reckless behavior shows lack of respect for other spouse. Financial abuse, secrecy, refusal to disclose assets or liabilities ruins any marriage.
Financial needs and increasing cost and his own neglect of his health are not good indicators for any future relationship.

Do you work outside of the home and have been contributing equally to the household finances throughout your marriage? Or has your husband been the one providing the lion's share financially? This makes all the difference.

I'm divorced twice myself so there's no shame in divorce. So get one. If you have a conscience, you won't totally abandon him because he's getting older now and is in failing health.

My first husband was an alcoholic who died of alcohol-related complications when he was a young man. We were divorced and I was remarried before he even got sick. I helped out with his care though because I loved him and my former in-laws and they needed help. Divorce doesn't have to be a vicious, hate-filled war between two people with one party hell-bent on taking every cent. Same with my second husband who is currently my third since we remarried.

You say you had 24 years with your husband and (your own words) 'stuck your head in the sand' about the finances. Forgive me if I speak plainly, but women like you paint a picture of a much younger sugar-baby enjoying the good life on the dime of her much older sugar-daddy husband. Now, he's older, sick, and broke and you want out. Get out then and take care of yourself.

Your husband isn't the one enjoying the "luxury" of a younger woman taking care of him. You're not doing him any favors filling an aging, sick man's life with resentment and hatred towards him because you're there. No doubt he paid well for years as so many older men do for what they think is the privilege of being married to a younger woman. The younger woman is the one who usually enjoys the "luxury" and enriches herself in these unions.

Talk to a divorce lawyer. Be fair though.

If you're miserable, get out of there. Don't worry about what people say about vows. Life changes. People change. Your feelings as they stand today are completely valid. You don't have to take care of someone if you don't want to.

The man you have now is not the man you married, is it? You have seen a progressive change in him since getting the brain tumor and the subsequent surgery. My goodness, I just googled "craniotomy and behavior" and most certainly the way he is now could be related to that surgery. I'm afraid for you that his behavior will continue to get worse to the point that you could be physically in danger. [If there are any weapons in your house, you might want to consider doing something about that.] At the very least, you need to let his doctors know what is going on. Maybe he needs to be admitted to a mental health care facility if some sort of dementia isn't diagnosed. I won't bore you with my story (feel free to look for old posts by me) but I will say that I would not point a finger at you if you chose to leave but rather I would give you a listening ear and encourage you to move forward.

I find it very sad and a bit disturbing that young women in particular don't stop to think long term when they decide to marry an older man, as I'm sure at first you were quite taken by an "older" man paying you attention, and perhaps even feeling like he would take good care of you financially and otherwise.
But now that he's sick, and you're tired of being his nurse, you think it better that you just divorce him. And perhaps you are. Only you can make that decision.
And the fact that no where in your post did you mention that you still love this man, I find very telling.
So if in fact you no longer love him, then do both of you a favor and divorce him, as it's really not fair to keep up the charade. He deserves better and so do you.
And please make sure that if you do divorce him that you take a very long time before you jump back into the fire, and if and when you do, please make sure that he is closer in age to you, and that you actually love him in sickness and health till death do you part.

And I wasn't going to share my story, since I didn't detect any love between you and your husband, but I was encouraged by one of my friends on this forum to do so, so here it goes.
I married my late husband at the age of 34 and he was 46. It was both of our second marriages, and we were very much in love. And being a single mom at the time of my 2 children, I looked forward to living "happily ever after" with a good solid man.
However a year and a half after we were married my husband had a massive stroke at the age of 48 that left him unable to walk, talk, read, write and paralyzed on his right side. Needless to say our world was turned completely turned upside down, and our future now looked very different.
With much PT, OT and speech therapy my husband was able to walk again with a brace on his leg, speak a few short sentences and words, and do his self care all with his left hand/arm, as he never regained use of his right arm/hand and he was right handed.
A year or so later he started having gran mal seizures caused by the scar tissue in his brain from his stroke. And as years went by his health issues continued and eventually he developed vascular dementia, and never once did I think about throwing in the towel and leave the man that I loved and never stopped loving despite everything that we'd been through.
Yes our life was very different than I had originally hoped for when we first got married, but I knew that if the tables had been reversed that my husband would have stood by my side through it all as well.
You see, that's what true love looks like.
Now I'm not saying that all of it was easy, as it wasn't. Most of it was very difficult especially towards the end of my husbands life when he was completely bedridden in a hospital bed in our living room for the last 22 months of his life, and under hospice care until his death at the age of 72.
So technically I was his caregiver for 24 1/2 years of our 26 year marriage, and you know what? If given the chance to do it all over again for the man I loved...I would, no questions asked, as I took my wedding vows very seriously, and I know how very much he appreciated me sticking things out with him in the good and the bad.

But that is where you and I differ I think. I loved my husband in sickness and health until death parted us, and I don't get the feeling that you share that same kind of love for your husband.
So you have a lot of thinking and praying to do.... I will leave it at that.

I guess that you will get some bad comments about how you ‘used’ him and then left him when it suited you. You have probably gone through that yourself. So here are some comments on it.

* At 22, Alva’s question about ‘love and devotion’ is different. It’s mostly love, devotion rarely comes into it much, unless it’s waiting out a year or two before you can get together.
* At 22, you got something from being with a 37 year old – sophisticated, established, worldly experienced etc. You got your money’s worth then. At 37, he got something from being with a 22 year old – sexy, impressive, the other guys were jealous etc etc. He got his money’s worth then.
* He ‘betrayed’ from the beginning what he seemed to promise. The ‘financially established’ veneer was fake. Did you ‘betray’ from the beginning? Probably not.
* He has ruined both of you financially.
* He is now demanding far more than he is giving.
* You don’t love him any more. Chances are he doesn't love you either.
* The future looks bleak.

Quit, and don’t feel guilty. You aren’t. He is. If you arrange his future for him, it’s a bonus he doesn’t deserve.

You have said you do not want to be a hands on caregiver for him . It’s not in everyone to do .

However , I don’t think you realize that it’s quite possible at least some of his behaviors are a result of the brain tumor , surgery , treatments etc. Some of the financial issues could have happened because of this tumor, and he couldn’t think straight.

IMO , you should at least see about how to get care for him . Idk if he could get Medicaid and placed in a nursing home or not yet . A consultation with an eldercare lawyer may help you , even if you just let him become a ward of the state , you will have some financial things to work out I assume.

Has he been to the doctor recently regarding the cognitive and behavior changes ? He may need to stop driving . He may also be depressed .

I agree with others who say to not leave him (if you do) without knowing the full financial landscape and setting up care for him. Does he have a PoA? If so, is it you? If you are not his PoA then you won't have much control regarding care and/or facility placement. He will then become the ward of a court-assigned legal guardian. You are under no obligation to become his PoA, but he should find someone willing, local, trustworthy and a generation younger. You should consult a financial planner to see what your financial future holds. My cousin (very beautiful, youthful and healthy) married a guy 20 years her junior. She's now 70 and a few years ago she was diagnosed with early onset ALZ. It's been awful for him...

I don’t read anything about love or caring, just anger and resentment. Not judging you for your emotions or lack of them. You must decide if it’s too late for things to change for the better, it sounds as if you’ve already come to a decision. I wish you and hubby both well in your future, together or not

Given the fact he bankrupted you and was not very nice I say leave. I was 34 when I married my husband 52. I fully expected that at some point I would be taking care of him. The difference is that now we take care of one another and have planned for our future.

I am uncertain where love enters into this?
Was there some and it is now gone due to his changes and current life circumstances?
Was there NEVER much love?
To me, the question is love and devotion and that is something only you can measure. If it is over you will need to arrange for care if he isn't at all self caring, before separating. Is there family? Is he safe alone?

Only you can decide if the marriage is over. If it is, I personally would not stay with someone whether or NOT they were ill; however, if he is helpless you cannot leave without SOME person or entity knowing he is in need.
Best of luck with your decision.

You were 22 when you married a 37 year old man. I doubt if you ever imagined what would happen.

See a lawyer and get out while you can.

You have obviously lost respect and love for him, and he's only 61. He can't get Medicare until he's 65!

Get your half of what is left and start over elsewhere. Unless you want to give up your life to a sick man who was clearly abusive and dishonest with you about the money, before he got sick. That would be it for me! He will be wearing diapers soon, so get started on rebooting your life. You are lucky you are still young!

I take it you have no kids or relatives. This makes it easier to get out. If you are resentful after only a year, you need to get out pronto. You can recover financially quickly in 5-7 years to and need to get on the ball! The stress can destroy your health.

Get your head out of the sand and learn from this. I wish you luck in starting over. I divorced after 20 years and changed my life for the better.

If you get a chance maybe you can check out a Youtube channel, Lindsay Kelly. Her husband is in AL, and she videos some of the experiences . Some videos are sad, but there are some that are heartwarming and with humor

I feel for you is all I can say. I hope things improve somehow.

Erm… marrying a man so much older ends up with the wife becoming the caretaker. That’s fine if you know what you’re going into. Most younger women don’t consider this.

Age aside, it sounds like he’s ruined both your lives. You know you want out and you’re wanting people to agree with you. I for over think it’s time you left.

I've been married for 15 years to a man who's had 3 major health issues between 2019 and 2022. One was a liver transplant where we had to relocate to another state and live in a hotel for 2 months while he recovered, developed other issues, and went to the doctor, ER or hospital daily for. I did the caretaking for all of his issues. Not long after we got home, I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and developed a disabilty from the immunotherapy. Since day 1, dh told me he'd push me around in a wheelchair if necessary. Little did he know.....

This is what love does. I'm really glad my DH didn't jump ship when i got sick and he's really thankful I didn't when he got sick.

Your DH had a very serious surgery and naturally side effects will occur! He wasn't, I'm sure, trying to lose $125K and isn't wanting to eat boxes of sugary cereal, just like I don't want to be in the predicament I'm in. Sometimes life is hard though, and we hang on by our fingernails as long as we can, looking for a bit of kindness and understanding from our spouses. I'm grateful I have that in mine.

Before you leave, if you do, please see to it that DH has a caregiver. It won't matter if she's young or an old battle axe, as long as she helps him live his best life.

Or see an Elder Care attorney for financial advice and guidance on getting DH on Medicaid for ling term care.

Let your post serve as a warning to young women wanting to marry much older men.

Good luck to you.

nothappy46, welcome to the forum. Whenever I read about a younger person caring for an older spouse, I think what if the roles were reversed?


A friend of mine, male who married a woman 15 yrs younger, they raised two children. He use to brag that when he becomes much older his wife will take care of him. Well, guess what? His wife developed dementia, and when it became worse he could no longer care for her as he was now 85. He had to place her into memory care.


Just something to think about.

You are young to be taking on this. Also, seems you maybe holding down a job. From what I have read, these radiation treatments eventually cause Demention. Not sure which is worse, dying of a brain tumor or having Dementia for the restbof your life.

Get your husband evaluated for 24/7 care. If found he needs it, place him in LTC with Medicaid paying. You may want to get an Elder Lawyer. There is something where a spouse can say they will not support a spouse in care. You want to protect what assets are yours like 401k or Money put in IRS CDs under ur name.

It maybe better to divorce him and allow the State to take over his care.

Do you work? What is your health insurance situation like?

When he ends up on Medicare and in a care home, what will you do for money and insurance?

Well this is something a lot of younger woman dont think about when they marry someone 15 - 30 Years Older then them. The age difference when reality hits and Health declines . Personally I wouldn't stay . I took care of My Mother with Dementia and it was a Big relief when the Nurses helped me decide to Place her in a Home - I was beyond exhausted - she Passed a few months Later - Then I Had a brother I was caring for at the same time - he Passed a year Later . Then I Had My Dad I took care of for 15 years and he slowed down and got Alzheimers around 2015 . It took Me at least 2 years to recover from My Mom and brother . My Dad Kind of the same - he was Kidnapped to California over 2 years ago . If you are resentful You need to consider your Life at 46 . Do you want to be a Nurse , maid , Chauffeuer , chef , grocery shopper, Financial advisor - Cleaning Up Poop and Piss ? I Have aged tremendously and Did Not get to attend to my Needs for 12 years . 46 You are a baby and I think you see the writing on the Wall .