This goes along with my other posts. For three years my wife and I were at home caregivers for a loved one very intense no breaks. The loved one hopefully will be in memory care soon. Now we are wondering if we gave it our all. We certainly have tried our best . Also siblings who did not help at all not even once are doubting our decision.
That's what comes to mind about siblings that do nothing but have much to say.
Yours is such a cautionary tale about giving yourself up completely to prop up another.
There are many folks on the forum who have made the same decision and got through this transition. Their loved ones did very well after they were placed.
You have to make the best decision you can make with the information you have at this moment. Siblings, who do not help, do not get a vote!!!
I will say when she was placed, my time with her was more mother-daughter. I was not just a caregiver and the time together was precious.
You can do this. I wish you blessings during this difficult time.
Only the worst of us question OTHERS. Those siblings? They would be the ones who didn't help much. Likely the ones who helped the least have the most criticism, because, frankly, they are quite simply clueless. They didn't ever notice they were needed, and they won't in future either.
You know good and well why it is now time for memory care. You don't need me to remind you. Just make certain that you don't assume the mantle of guilt, because you didn't cause this and you can't fix it and you have an absolute right to your own life. You aren't god. You aren't Saints, and it's a horrible job description anyway. You are human beings with limitations and this is your one (I think) life.
Will there be feelings and tears? Yes there will. This is worth grieving. I am so sorry. But I so congratulate your for doing what you could, and recognizing when you could no longer.
Of course placing a loved one is hard, placing my dad was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I bawled for weeks after every visit but, I knew that I could not provide the care he needed and that kept my head and not my heart in control.
It's not like you drop them off and never see them again. You are going from 24/7 caregiver to advocate, friend, son, daughter, spouse, whatever relationship you have. You get to help enrich their lives instead of feeling like they are sucking your life force.
You and your wife need to tell the siblings step up or shut up. We have made our decision and you have NO SAY in that. Prepare yourselves for the transition, remember, your lives have been on hold for 3 years, you'll need to adjust to the change as much as your loved one will, tears, upset, anxiety and anger will all show up during the adjustment period, expect them and deal with them and keep moving forward. You will all survive the change.
Tell your siblings you understand their uncertainty, and how much you’re looking forward to their perspective after said loved one’s stay with them. Tell, don’t ask. Tell them when you will arrive. Follow through. Keep the memory care option open. Let them find out first hand until the MC move in date.
A friend who dismissed my stress for years got a shock when her father developed a degenerative nerve issue plus dementia. She had multiple caregivers coming in and sibling assistance.
What...? Wha....? Huh? How can it be?
We have AARP shoving us the idea of building on to our homes to make space for our LO's as they age. We have "It Was The Best Decision I Ever Made" articles from those who took in their dad with diabetes and dementia, their mom with dementia and double incontinence, auntie who couldn't walk, and uncle after his stroke - and the writer gained insight and fortitude and wants everyone to have this unique bonding experience with their elderly sick loved ones as well. Feel-good stories are just that - propaganda to make us feel good. They do nothing to address the real issues that real-life caregivers face every day.
Eventually Dear Daughter who built an ugly 1000 sq. ft. MomShed onto her house will be finding used toilet paper under the couch cushions and in the bed just like we do. She'll feel disillusioned, to say the least, that AARP didn't warn her of this. Dear Son will wonder what went wrong when he agreed never to "put" mommsie in Assisted Living - why is she so depressed? Why does she want him in her hoarded home to watch reruns of I Love Lucy every single evening, why does she want another cat when she already has 4 and can't bend over to scoop the litter box so he has to do it, and now he's started changing her Depends but there's no relief in sight BECAUSE HE PROMISED HE'D KEEP HER AT HOME? Oh, and his wife left him because he's never home with her and the kids.
We can change this. Every person approaching age 60 should look at what's out there in terms of care. People don't see options other than family because they've never visited an independent or assisted living facility. They want to live with Dear Daughter or Dear Son, and sometimes it's Dear Grandson or Dear Granddaughter whose life they're going to ruin. And they live into their 90s, which is a helluva lot of Depends.
If you know someone who is caring for an elderly sick relative, instead of telling them that it's their DUTY to care for Mommsie till she dies nonverbal in a fetal position as the result of Alzheimers, help them find a great facility where Mommsie and her Depends can live among professional caregivers who love them and take it all in stride. Where they'll have three meals a day NOT cooked by Dear Daughter, or worse yet, Daughter-In-Law.
If you're the relative who keeps nattering about how Sis should be cleaning up urine that Dad pees in the corner until he dies, try taking care of him yourself for three months. Then get back to me.
"OH, but I work, I can't take care of him!"
Mmm-hmm, well, we once had "real jobs" too.
“If you don’t (fill in the blank), I’ll ruin your life!”
She’s now 99. I have her in care - a wonderful homey small place. Sometimes, when she doesn’t want to be changed, she bites, and it takes 3 staff members. They say she can be a real challenge. I dare ANY of the doubters to take her home with them. Heck, I dare any of them to visit her!
BTW Fawnby, we built a 990sq ft granny flat next to our house 20 years ago. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Then... it became a nightmare.
Why are you even asking yourself such a question now? Because the Armchair Critics are doubting your decision? You, who have been in the trenches with your loved one for 3 years while the Armchair Critics were enjoying life and vacationing, guilt free and w/o a worry in the world? NOW they have free advice and fingers to wag in your face, from the comfort, yet again, of their armchairs????
Tell them this: please feel free to come pick up Loved One at 1pm tomorrow, lock stock and barrel. She'll be waiting for your expert care and management of her in your home forevermore and I and my wife will now assume the roles of Armchair Critics to supervise what you are doing wrong and what we dislike about her care!
That should shut them up permanently.
Do not doubt your decision here for one moment. You are giving your LO a safe and clean new environment where she'll have good care, hot meals, activities and peers to engage with every day. It's a fallacy to think ONLY home care is right for our LOs. My mother thrived in AL for 5 years and in Memory Care Assisted Living for nearly 3, living to the ripe old age of 95 with no hands on Care by me, her daughter. In fact, the staff saved her life 3x by catching pneumonia very early and getting her treated, either in house or in the hospital.
Best of luck to you.
Your siblings have no clue .
It’s hard enough to place someone without the doubters voices . I had the same problem with siblings who did nothing , giving me grief over placement .
One of them was purely looking to preserve inheritance , told me I was wasting money on “ an expensive hotel with meals “. I still do not talk to this sibling 7 years later .
Either ignore the siblings or tell them they can take over loved one’s care at their home . Know that these situations can kill sibling relationships .
Sorry that you have to deal with the critics on top of an already difficult situation .
Please stop beating yourself up about it and putting yourself and your wife on a self-imposed guilt trip on whether or not you did enough for the loved one. You did more than enough while your siblings did nothing.
Do you think your siblings feel guilty for leaving the demented loved one's care needs entirely up to you and your wife 24/7 for the last three years?
Believe me, they don't. Siblings never have a moment of guilt for the sibling they dump the needy often demented loved one off on. Just so long as it's not them. Sure, they will demand to be 'kept informed'. They will thinly veil their criticism of the sibling/caregiver under the guise of being 'concerned'. It's an act. They're relieved for not drawing the short straw so they don't have to change their lives in any way to accommodate the needy loved one.
You know, I truly detest the term "loved one". The only time it's ever used is when someone becomes needy and requires care. It sounds to me like you and your wife are the only people who actually loved the person you took care of because you're the only ones who took care of them and for three years
The siblings could have stepped up at any time to help with the caregiving or even to take over for you. They had three year's worth of opportunity to do so, yet they did not. They did nothing so they don't get a vote on the loved one's care and they forfeit their right to voice any opinions on how it's being handled.
In simpler language they didn't do sh*t so they need to shut the hell up.
Start living your life again because there is life after caregiving. Forget about what your siblings think. You and your wife are the only ones who did anything and that counts.
As far as sibs who don't help--if they're so upset at your decision, let them take the LO for a couple of weeks. That will change their attitudes pretty quickly.
Once your LO is placed, the peace that (hopefully) will follow will help you to know you did the right thing.
It is a matter of YOUR safety or THEIR safety or it is the realization that their care is more than you can manage at home.
If you are the one legally able to make the decision to place your LO in Memory Care then when it comes to that point you do what you have to do to keep everyone safe.
If you are POA or Guardian and are getting "flack" for making that decision and siblings think you are should continue caring for your LO then you can withdraw as POA or Guardian and your sibling(s) can take on that responsibility and you can take a LONG deserved vacation. I can bet that none of your siblings would be willing to step into that role.
So select a place that will meet the needs and fill out the paperwork and get the medical testing done that will need to be done.
You were the ones who had the proper knowledge to make this decision on placement.
I am very happy that you will be able to get your life back.
When a person reaches this stage, they need facility care.
Family members are able to get far more done as an advocate, rather than choosing to do the hands on work by themselves.
You will be a wonderful advocate because you care so much.
Best wishes to you and your wife.
It is always easier for people who have not done the work to judge and express doubt and offer up opinions about how they would do things.
Your siblings have not - I don't believe - offered to do anything but share their opinions and judge and doubt. That's a non-starter.
Doubting yourself - however - is a perfectly normal reaction.
Memory care is explicitly for those who have clear cognitive impairment and need 24/7 care. If your loved one is to the point where memory care is required - you've likely done all that you can do on your own, and they need the options that a facility can offer - that home care rarely can - including 24/7 supervision with multiple caregivers (who are AWAKE and alert), a closed/lockdown facility so that loved one is protected from wandering, immediate access to doctors and appropriate medications that may be needed, and whole host of other things.
If you have the forethought to worry that you haven't done enough - then there is an even better chance that you have. People who don't care and don't do all they can - when the situation calls for it - rarely worry about whether they have done enough.