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Oh yes. Garbage wars.

When I was growing up, there was no recycling. Altho we faithfully had 2 kitchen wastebaskets: one for what we could burn in the backyard, and one for what we bagged for curbside pick-up.

Fast-forward a couple decades. Mom no longer lives in a "burn barrel" environment. When recycling started, mom refused to participate. Claimed she "didn't have time" to separate her trash. (Huhhh? The process would be just like the burn barrel years. Only without the added distractions of child-rearing and trying to stay one step ahead of an alcoholic husband. WHATEVER.)

Then the old-age distortions set in. Mom became obsessed with recycling. Lovingly rinsed every jar, can and plastic container until it was pristine. Clustered them on her disaster of a kitchen counter. Lather, rinse, repeat.

When kitchen became overrun, mom would transfer the recyclables to a bag at the top of the basement steps. When that bag was full, she'd make a wobbly trip down the basement steps to relocate it.

Mom's borough had a bring-it-yourself day for recycling -- only once a month. Mom frequently missed drop-off day. ("Too busy." Or perhaps rain was predicted within 36 hours of drop-off day. Or distracted by some banality on talk radio. Or....."too busy.")

Another relative and I lived in townships with weekly curbside recycling. We would offer to take mom's recycling and put it out with our own. The response? NO NO NO NO. "They" might not do it right! How do we know that "they" accept the exact same plastics as her drop-off site? Badger badger bluster badger.

In hindsight, I know now that mom partially could not help herself. And partially incited these round-robins (and others like them) on purpose. After all, 20 minutes we spent arguing about empty yogurt containers was 20 minutes we could not spend challenging Mom about neglecting her medical needs, clinging to a home that no longer suited her physical limitations, where the h*ll are your important papers stashed, etc etc. Sly as a fox.

I started just taking the d*mm recycling home with me. The rest: hopeless.
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Reply to BlackHole
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My husband sleeps all the time now...just waiting for his last breath is horrible! !!#! I love him so much.
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Reply to Pattyblu1
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Patty, my heart hears you and some days I struggle with knowing he will probably die before I do ( he is 90 and has had AD since 2006) Me too, love him so much.
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Reply to Sunflower17
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It is difficult to provide caregiving period. Then add a parent who is elderly, dependent and narcissistic & the work multiplies. My mother is now in her 12th assisted living facility in 3 years. And still only blames others so nothing is ever her fault. She antagonizes the aids that at times she has been abused yet she continues. She has been like this her whole life. So I am a firm believer in who we are now will determine the quality of life we have when we age.
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Reply to robinsoul
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The hardest part now is getting to the point where she should be in assisted living? Or should she? That's getting hard. I know she 'll hate leaving our home. But I'm not a nurse and I'm not a saint.
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Reply to Erinm60
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For me the hardest part right now is that it is still going on. I will be 80 this summer and she is 105, and despite vascular dementia, strong in many ways.

Erin - if you are questioning should she be in an ALF, probably she should.
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Reply to golden23
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The worst thing for me is the fact that everyone is a know it all but she is right and then the anger begins and she becomes down right hateful. The next day, she doesn't remember a thing and if you bring any of it up to her, she tells me that I must have had a dream.
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Reply to Yankeetalker
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Oooo, gaslighting-by-dementia. It will make you crazy when they do that, Yankeetalker.
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Reply to JessieBelle
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Mine is right up there with the when is the when time for placement these days. No one loves decision making.

I quote a dear friend's favorite, "What a Long Strange Trip it's Been."

Blessings Caregivers🌸
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Reply to Blessings4Ever
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If they had a show about caregiving it would be called "Extreme Patience." After a few years, internalizing everything and acting patient becomes harder and harder. I took my mother to get her hair cut yesterday. She is very slow now -- 2 inches per step. Sometimes she stops for unknown reasons. Getting her from the car across the car lanes in the parking lot and to the shop can take forever and I fear for our safety. She says, "Oh, they'll stop," which they do, but still it is stressful.

Now, what is funny is that when we're leaving, she is able to walk faster than when we are going. What is with that?? But when we get to the house she slows it down even more. It takes 5 minutes to get her in the car, but 10 minutes to get her back into the house. She's not enjoying the yard. I don't know what it is.

Extreme patience needed.
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Reply to JessieBelle
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So true Blessings4Ever
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Reply to Erinm60
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Feeling guilty if I dont want to take him with me when i go some where.
Feeling like the enemy because i dont let him drink alcohol occasionally. Or for constantly telling him to put his oxygen tube back on. Or getting frustrated when i tell him to go change his depend and he refuses and just continues sitting on my sofa and urinites till he overflows on it.
Telling him to come to the table and eat and says hes not hungry. Then after I have cleaned the kitchen a put the food away he comes and asks whats for dinner. These are just a few things that bother me . And i feel guilty for letting these things bother me.
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Reply to Kellylynn
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I going to add to my answer. My dads nurse says im doing a really good job taking care of him , but i need time away as well.
Well sfter all I do for him. I dont have energy at all to do something for my self. Most times i have an invite to hang out with a friend or go somewhete with them but the majority of the time i just colllapse with exhaustion on my bed and end up making some lame excuse to my friends, or family. Im 57 yrs old and this is like having a toddler to raise again . Thank God im on permanent disability and not working . But when i think about it i am working
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Reply to Kellylynn
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I am so tired of being the only one. Siblings take no part in any of the multiple jobs that come with caregiving. Its not just the actual caregiving. It's taking care of the house & yard, the bookwork, dealing with insurance, trying to make ends meet. They help with none of it. I always feel so resentful. Not good. I would give anything to have my old life back.
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Reply to helennnn
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my feelings and wants and needs being not cared about by someone who expects you to care about everything on their end.
the selfishness of my mother is beyond bad
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Reply to anonymous580763
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Yes, Kellylynn, I understand & respect your dilemmas.

The #1 & #2 smells are the worst. I thought the #1 would be an easier smell to deal with, wrong! Every single morning I am greeted by the putrid #1, maybe 2 as well. My brother's suite is a total gut job after 6 years, the d*** ALZ's fault! Floors & walls destroyed, furniture ruined because bathroom reminders don't work these days. Into the dumpster all will go. The renovation expense, can I afford it? I'll have to find a way or it will be a "Don't Enter" zone.

I stopped outings due to safety & behavior concerns. Getting in & getting out of the car is a challenge for him & may bring on frustration. I always use my child proof locks. I used to do diner outings on Saturday mornings, but, if he got angry, up he'd go & out to the parking lot, wandering around, me following.

I understand the guilt feelings as well. As a caregiver it's our responsibility to keep everyone safe & well. I don't know why we question ourselves? If we are doing enough, could it be done better, wondering if there's a better alternative or solution to a problem, just questions all the time. Friends have good intents when they ask, "How are things?" I don't want to dwell on such doom & gloom, make an outing all about ALZ.

We can't be too hard on ourselves! Yet it seems we are. We deserve many "pats on the backs." It's nice that we have this forum, here for each other! "Keep on Trucking!" Blessings to all Caregivers 🌸
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Reply to Blessings4Ever
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My siblings saying I chose this job so this absolves them from any responsibility in the last eight years. They haven't done anything supportive ever. How about a card or a phone call or a visit or a gift basket, or a word of encouragement or support? I didn't choose, I was the only one that stayed when they ran for cover. Also, anyone saying I am single so I have the time.
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Reply to Cherylmorgan11
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I am still working and have young kids. When I started caring for Dad, any little bit of free time I had for my kids or for me now goes to him.
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Reply to CaregiverKelly
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I can so relate Helen and Cheryl ... my siblings "ran for cover" as well... and I am also single .... even though I have a full time job.. they believe for some reason it is easier for me.. and what do I have to give up afterall? There is NOTHING easy about caregiving and dealing with dementia.

I don't get that they don't offer even those most basic type of help, appreciation, or kindness. Even a card, a call inquiring of how I am doing, some type of thankyou, some type of concern for me or what I am giving up. No one should have to give up their lives for years to care for someone else.. even your own parents.

No one chooses to give up their own lives, to take on this back breaking unrelenting job. I am starting to see all my siblings and relatives in a much different light.. and it isn't a good one.

I sure miss my old life.. I miss my freedom!
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Reply to katiekay
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""My siblings saying I chose this job so this absolves them from any responsibility in the last eight years. They haven't done anything supportive ever. How about a card or a phone call or a visit or a gift basket, or a word of encouragement or support? I didn't choose, I was the only one that stayed when they ran for cover. Also, anyone saying I am single so I have the time."

Same here, Cheryl. The bad mouth me and criticize and consider their joyous breeze in and out "help" and wondering why I am not more social with them when they come to visit. They've shown via indifference that they are tithing my parents and essentially never have nor do they now want anything to do with me. As soon as I get a ft job I will never darken the doorstep again.
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Reply to Scaredtaker
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Katie Kay I agree with all you shared in your post. Sae experience here. The gut wrenching and painful caretaking for 2 parents - 1 w Vascular dementia - the other showing signs of it as well - the rage and sundowners, thanklessness punctuated by being told I am not doing nor am I enough...it has taken it's toll and I am trying to get out asap.
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Reply to Scaredtaker
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I feel sorry for all of you who have siblings, yet are doing most, or all, of the caregiving for your parents. I am sure the "no show" siblings have many reasons why you are the "chosen one." You're closer, single, a stay at home parent, you work from home; there's really too many excuses I'm sure & that's what they are.

Your life becomes a new normal whether you are single or have your own family. You are choosing to love & care. I don't think it's wrong to say you may be the "better child" & person.

Caregiving for our parents, or any loved one, is a roller coaster ride, not easy. I'm taking care of my brother these days, the dreaded little sister. Any disease or illness is doom & gloom. It's life changing for everyone in many ways.

It's ok to take care of you & commend yourself for being you!

"Life is not about what happens, but what you do with what happens."

Blessings 🌸
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Reply to Blessings4Ever
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Katie Kay. I miss mine too. We did get away to see my MIL for a few days. I had my moms brother here and his daughter. It was just 4 days. But I feel so much better. By Friday , I'm sure the freedom "high" will have worn off
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Reply to Erinm60
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What bothers me is that my mother still treats me like a 10 year old. She does not live with me ( thank goodness). When I go to visit at her assistive living place, she still admonishes or tries to instruct me. Also she cannot say that she loves me, I asked why she said, "That's not me." She will dismiss me by saying, You can go now. Whenever I offer to take her on an activity, etc., etc. her usual reply is "no." Sometimes she whines so much about her physical ailments, I have had to take her to minor emergency, by facility request, only to find out nothing is the matter. She once faked a tooth ache, because she didn't want to come to Thanksgiving dinner. I see he give hugs to others, but never to me.

My husband and I dreamed of becoming short term Missionaries. However that's not to be. I am the only sibling that lives in the same town. My other two siblings are on the east coast. One has not visited in years, the other comes out every year, and offers some moral support.

So God as another plan for me. However, there are times I feel so burdened and alone in this caregiving business. I know I have faith but, I wish someone else will come and take over.
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Reply to anonymous202955
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Erinm60 & KatieKay, all Caregivers: Feelings of a loss of freedom or the thought of wanting our old life, some would say it's a sign of caregiver burn out, I say it's normal & commend you both & all for sharing freely & honestly.

I think all feelings & thoughts, whether positive or negative ones, are normal for us caregivers. They seem to appear, usually a troubling day or moment is the trigger. Other days we just carry on doing what has to be done, instinct taking over, right up there with our love & caring.  We are pretty amazing!

Erinm60, am glad you got away. Even a short break is better than nothing. There is 1 facility that will do 3 night stays, I've gone ahead & indulged due to the need & it's cost efficiency, but it is a tease for sure. Those 3 nights fly by. I was told some caregivers  book every weekend, but at $300 a night, not happening for me.

KatieKay, I find humor helps me, my favorite, "What the h*** happened? I had trials & tribulations of life prior to caregiving, but not as frequent or intense.  The things I complained about then seem trivial to those that ruffle me now.  

I'm glad this forum is here.  It's nice to air our concerns, share our feelings & thoughts.  Thank u! Blessings 🌸
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Reply to Blessings4Ever
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The thing that bothers me the most about caregiving is the abuse. The abuse that is "not her fault" because of her dementia; the abuse that I have endured my entire life that is now nearly unbearably in my face with each careful interaction, to be endured and recognized as not her selfishness and cruelty but her "illness". The illness she denies because apparently she feels there is nothing wrong with her treating me like &$@/ on the bottom of her shoe--that is, unless she WANTS something from me in which case she has the ability to be civil. Having endured a lifetime of walking on eggshells around her and her issues, now there is no escape from her cruelty other that complete avoidance.
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Reply to anonymous247183
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So sorry NoRecess. It sounds pretty bad. Any chance of getting some one else to come sit with her so you can get a break?
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Reply to Erinm60
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NoRecess, I understand. We know our parents well, so it can feel bad when people tell us it is that they're old and have dementia. It reminds me a bit of an abused child being told that their mother would never do something because she really loves them. People often say what makes them feel comfortable without any real knowledge of the situation. It can be depressing, because it makes us internalize things instead of talking about them. Feel free to go ahead and talk it out here on the group. Big hugs.
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Reply to JessieBelle
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This may seem strange but I'll post it anyway. When non involved , but "caring" family members come up with multiple suggestions to what we could be doing better or what our parent or significant other really needs is more this or less of that , my new answer is going to "walk a mile in my shoes. , before you accuse, criticize , or abuse , walk a mile in my shoes". I think Elvis sang that. Not sure
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Reply to Erinm60
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So true, Erin. If I had a nickel for every time some sap told me that they thought my mother was lonely.

Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't. I know this much: Mom's isolation was all her own doing.

Mom would not join her husband for anything outside the home (except his doctor appointments).

Mom declined every invitation from friends for lunch/coffee/movie/whatever for the the past 6-7 years. So the invitations stopped.

When I'd offer to take Mom & me on road trip to visit her dearest friend (who lives 2 states away), Mom would recoil as if I'd suggested she try ice climbing or pole dancing. After being shot down enough times, I stopped making the offer.

For the last 5 years of Mom's life, her sister (only sibling) lived 4 miles away and had nothing but time on her hands. As did my mother. But Mom was "too busy" to spend time with her sister. 

On the phone, Mom gave the briefest answers possible and did not add anything that would sustain a conversation. With me and with everyone. Except for the rare occasions when she would muster up everything she had to show off and " play normal" for 5-10 minutes. (Never for me. I wasn't worth the effort.)

And why didn't I drop in on Mom once in a while after I got off work? Because the soonest I could get to her house was 7:00 p.m., and Mom closed all the blinds and shut off the lights and TV at 6:00. So "they" wouldn't see her moving around in the house.

And as mom got weirder and weirder (and widowed), the know-it-all bystanders acted like I was selfishly withholding the fairy dust that could fix all this. Ummm, no. 
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Reply to BlackHole
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