
I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
When I was growing up, there was no recycling. Altho we faithfully had 2 kitchen wastebaskets: one for what we could burn in the backyard, and one for what we bagged for curbside pick-up.
Fast-forward a couple decades. Mom no longer lives in a "burn barrel" environment. When recycling started, mom refused to participate. Claimed she "didn't have time" to separate her trash. (Huhhh? The process would be just like the burn barrel years. Only without the added distractions of child-rearing and trying to stay one step ahead of an alcoholic husband. WHATEVER.)
Then the old-age distortions set in. Mom became obsessed with recycling. Lovingly rinsed every jar, can and plastic container until it was pristine. Clustered them on her disaster of a kitchen counter. Lather, rinse, repeat.
When kitchen became overrun, mom would transfer the recyclables to a bag at the top of the basement steps. When that bag was full, she'd make a wobbly trip down the basement steps to relocate it.
Mom's borough had a bring-it-yourself day for recycling -- only once a month. Mom frequently missed drop-off day. ("Too busy." Or perhaps rain was predicted within 36 hours of drop-off day. Or distracted by some banality on talk radio. Or....."too busy.")
Another relative and I lived in townships with weekly curbside recycling. We would offer to take mom's recycling and put it out with our own. The response? NO NO NO NO. "They" might not do it right! How do we know that "they" accept the exact same plastics as her drop-off site? Badger badger bluster badger.
In hindsight, I know now that mom partially could not help herself. And partially incited these round-robins (and others like them) on purpose. After all, 20 minutes we spent arguing about empty yogurt containers was 20 minutes we could not spend challenging Mom about neglecting her medical needs, clinging to a home that no longer suited her physical limitations, where the h*ll are your important papers stashed, etc etc. Sly as a fox.
I started just taking the d*mm recycling home with me. The rest: hopeless.
Erin - if you are questioning should she be in an ALF, probably she should.
I quote a dear friend's favorite, "What a Long Strange Trip it's Been."
Blessings Caregivers🌸
Now, what is funny is that when we're leaving, she is able to walk faster than when we are going. What is with that?? But when we get to the house she slows it down even more. It takes 5 minutes to get her in the car, but 10 minutes to get her back into the house. She's not enjoying the yard. I don't know what it is.
Extreme patience needed.
Feeling like the enemy because i dont let him drink alcohol occasionally. Or for constantly telling him to put his oxygen tube back on. Or getting frustrated when i tell him to go change his depend and he refuses and just continues sitting on my sofa and urinites till he overflows on it.
Telling him to come to the table and eat and says hes not hungry. Then after I have cleaned the kitchen a put the food away he comes and asks whats for dinner. These are just a few things that bother me . And i feel guilty for letting these things bother me.
Well sfter all I do for him. I dont have energy at all to do something for my self. Most times i have an invite to hang out with a friend or go somewhete with them but the majority of the time i just colllapse with exhaustion on my bed and end up making some lame excuse to my friends, or family. Im 57 yrs old and this is like having a toddler to raise again . Thank God im on permanent disability and not working . But when i think about it i am working
the selfishness of my mother is beyond bad
The #1 & #2 smells are the worst. I thought the #1 would be an easier smell to deal with, wrong! Every single morning I am greeted by the putrid #1, maybe 2 as well. My brother's suite is a total gut job after 6 years, the d*** ALZ's fault! Floors & walls destroyed, furniture ruined because bathroom reminders don't work these days. Into the dumpster all will go. The renovation expense, can I afford it? I'll have to find a way or it will be a "Don't Enter" zone.
I stopped outings due to safety & behavior concerns. Getting in & getting out of the car is a challenge for him & may bring on frustration. I always use my child proof locks. I used to do diner outings on Saturday mornings, but, if he got angry, up he'd go & out to the parking lot, wandering around, me following.
I understand the guilt feelings as well. As a caregiver it's our responsibility to keep everyone safe & well. I don't know why we question ourselves? If we are doing enough, could it be done better, wondering if there's a better alternative or solution to a problem, just questions all the time. Friends have good intents when they ask, "How are things?" I don't want to dwell on such doom & gloom, make an outing all about ALZ.
We can't be too hard on ourselves! Yet it seems we are. We deserve many "pats on the backs." It's nice that we have this forum, here for each other! "Keep on Trucking!" Blessings to all Caregivers 🌸
I don't get that they don't offer even those most basic type of help, appreciation, or kindness. Even a card, a call inquiring of how I am doing, some type of thankyou, some type of concern for me or what I am giving up. No one should have to give up their lives for years to care for someone else.. even your own parents.
No one chooses to give up their own lives, to take on this back breaking unrelenting job. I am starting to see all my siblings and relatives in a much different light.. and it isn't a good one.
I sure miss my old life.. I miss my freedom!
Same here, Cheryl. The bad mouth me and criticize and consider their joyous breeze in and out "help" and wondering why I am not more social with them when they come to visit. They've shown via indifference that they are tithing my parents and essentially never have nor do they now want anything to do with me. As soon as I get a ft job I will never darken the doorstep again.
Your life becomes a new normal whether you are single or have your own family. You are choosing to love & care. I don't think it's wrong to say you may be the "better child" & person.
Caregiving for our parents, or any loved one, is a roller coaster ride, not easy. I'm taking care of my brother these days, the dreaded little sister. Any disease or illness is doom & gloom. It's life changing for everyone in many ways.
It's ok to take care of you & commend yourself for being you!
"Life is not about what happens, but what you do with what happens."
Blessings 🌸
My husband and I dreamed of becoming short term Missionaries. However that's not to be. I am the only sibling that lives in the same town. My other two siblings are on the east coast. One has not visited in years, the other comes out every year, and offers some moral support.
So God as another plan for me. However, there are times I feel so burdened and alone in this caregiving business. I know I have faith but, I wish someone else will come and take over.
I think all feelings & thoughts, whether positive or negative ones, are normal for us caregivers. They seem to appear, usually a troubling day or moment is the trigger. Other days we just carry on doing what has to be done, instinct taking over, right up there with our love & caring. We are pretty amazing!
Erinm60, am glad you got away. Even a short break is better than nothing. There is 1 facility that will do 3 night stays, I've gone ahead & indulged due to the need & it's cost efficiency, but it is a tease for sure. Those 3 nights fly by. I was told some caregivers book every weekend, but at $300 a night, not happening for me.
KatieKay, I find humor helps me, my favorite, "What the h*** happened? I had trials & tribulations of life prior to caregiving, but not as frequent or intense. The things I complained about then seem trivial to those that ruffle me now.
I'm glad this forum is here. It's nice to air our concerns, share our feelings & thoughts. Thank u! Blessings 🌸
Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't. I know this much: Mom's isolation was all her own doing.
Mom would not join her husband for anything outside the home (except his doctor appointments).
Mom declined every invitation from friends for lunch/coffee/movie/whatever for the the past 6-7 years. So the invitations stopped.
When I'd offer to take Mom & me on road trip to visit her dearest friend (who lives 2 states away), Mom would recoil as if I'd suggested she try ice climbing or pole dancing. After being shot down enough times, I stopped making the offer.
For the last 5 years of Mom's life, her sister (only sibling) lived 4 miles away and had nothing but time on her hands. As did my mother. But Mom was "too busy" to spend time with her sister.
On the phone, Mom gave the briefest answers possible and did not add anything that would sustain a conversation. With me and with everyone. Except for the rare occasions when she would muster up everything she had to show off and " play normal" for 5-10 minutes. (Never for me. I wasn't worth the effort.)
And why didn't I drop in on Mom once in a while after I got off work? Because the soonest I could get to her house was 7:00 p.m., and Mom closed all the blinds and shut off the lights and TV at 6:00. So "they" wouldn't see her moving around in the house.
And as mom got weirder and weirder (and widowed), the know-it-all bystanders acted like I was selfishly withholding the fairy dust that could fix all this. Ummm, no.