
I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
We know what is going on and I now really hate them and their BS excuses.
They all live within 2hrs at most.
I worked +40 years to build a good retirement and now it is spent babysitting two old ladies. Knowing that we are wasting every good day of health doing this. We are both trapped and knowing this only ends when someone passes.
Cannot plan to do/go anywhere without begging one of these morons to take care of their own mom for a couple of days. My fantasy now is for the wife and I to take our passports and just escape this prison.
its time for you to not to stay at your mother’s for three weeks and for you to tell in laws that you are no longer able to have your mother live there.
If these folks have money put them in facilities. Otherwise apply for Medicaid and get them in a SNF.
All I know is I started my slog in 2020 with my parents. It just ended last month finally. All this sacrifice for my two largely unappreciative parents.
You are right about all those healthy days going down the drain. I was so jealous of my friends whose parents did not linger in lousy health like mine did.
Sharing the BURDEN!
As such I am now trapped babysitting an elderly person, knowing that each passing day, is another healthy day I will never get back.
Resenting each and every person who is unwilling to make any sacrifice for their own mother. Also learning who these people really are and resenting them for this.
Knowing that this will never end until she or I pass.
40 yrs of working to build a retirement and this is it?
I took on a 4 hour a week volunteer gig sitting for a friend with alzheimers in mid 2025. Her husband works a factory job for 4 hours every morning.
After the first day I realized she could get out. We had a wonderful 6 months of visiting our art museum 3 times, visiting our historic museum and the 2000 year old native american canoe, visiting the art guild and talking to artists, visiting our local African American museum and talking to the local elder (we are white), and visiting our city hall art museum and our city hall Christmas decorations. We also went to our local market to pick up acre peas and ham hocks.
Her husband requested that we stay home during 2026 so I respected his wishes but we spent a lot of time in her garden and she gave me some plants.
She just broke her ankle and foot and it was a really bad break. She is in the hospital now. I don't think she will ever be coming home. She does not understand that she cannot walk on the cast.
I understand the husband's decision as there were a number of elopements in the car and having to call the Sheriff's department. She would also wake in the middle of the night with anger which was tough for the husband to deal with. The mental health professional that lives in his neighborhood told him to back down from a situation when she is angry so the husband started sleeping in his shed work/shop if she woke angry in the middle of the night.
I'm just sad about the pace of the decline.
On the plus side I got more out of volunteering than they. I was really beaten down from dealing with my sister over my mother's death and estate. My volunteer gig got me back to living.
Your friend and her husband were truly blessed to have your friendship and care. Thank you for an inspiring account!
This craziness went on for three years. Finally, I had my sister placed. None of my other siblings had no idea how she ended up in a brand new group home and dad never shared this information with any of them because he was busy painting me as a villain.
So many of us have been in the same situation as you. I want to tell you something I have told countless family caregivers over the years.
Caregiving only works if it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's.
You're clearly not the one setting the terms here and you need to be. For many caregivers the person they care for is just too unreasonable, stubborn, nasty, and needs a level of care that can't be provided at home. This is when they need to be put into facility care.
Your life is important. You also matter. Many people get guilted into caregiving positions because there's a lot of judgment from others when someone is a family caregiver. Often when a person doesn't allow their entire life to be consumed by a family member's care needs there will be judgment from others. Often there will be from the LO they're a caregiver to. Ignore it. You are allowed to set boundaries and put limits on how much caregiving you will do and for how long. No one has to completely give up their lives, jobs, homes, marriages, friends for caregiving to prove they love their family. This isn't love. It's care slavery.
Also, not having left the house in three years. Psychologists say this type of isolation causes permanent damage. Even in jail, people can't be locked in solitary for three years. I often dream of the luxury of being in prison. I would only be responsible for myself. I would have friends. I would get out in the sun for an hour a day. Someone would do my laundry and cook my meals.
I'm very jealous of everyone who complains about being angry with their family for not helping more. They have family. They have people who help some, even if it's not enough. I have nowhere to put my anger. I've learned to be numb.
But I love my mom, and that keeps me going. I am giving her the best life she can have. She was in rehab for three weeks a while back, and she hated it. I spoil her, and I love spoiling her.
You're not lying about the BM's. I cleaned them up for 25 years. Many times I've had to vomit because it's so gross. Wearing disposable face masks with a few drops of lavender oil or citrus on them will help a bit.
I hope you have some outside help coming in because you need breaks too. Caregiver burnout is real.
Knowing every detail of their lives at every moment, particularly bowel habits, who's gone, who's going, who can't go, who's going too much.
Also the bills....the mail coming is a nightmare. Are the bills paid. Do we have enough. And the medicine, are we going to run out, are the prescriptions ready, will the doctor remember to send it, is it ready, etc etc. It's constant anxiety and ruminating. I'm so envious of people who actually get to separate from their parents and recover from all the nervous dysregulation..
It's comical until it's not. Stay strong out there soldiers!
I am his mind, he is my body as I am the physically frail one.
He will not leave to go into a facility (I would move with him)...he is 88 and I am 84.
We do have an aide twice a week but soon we will need more help. Our long term care insurance not helping much as he is in good physical health and I don't
have dementia.
He is a "showtimer" for sure when we are at a medical office.
I am used to being shadowed as at least I know where he is and he truly is a helper in the kitchen and still neat and tidy.
Our best times are Sunday nights when the family (those still in town) come for Sunday dinner and he is engaged in conversation on the deck and at the dining room table.
Luckily he enoys water walking at our Y and the library events for seniors and walking our 1/2 mile neighborhood oval every day.
I am grateful we have what we have for now.
And trying to be really in the zone of being present, calm, loving and patient with my mom who has Lewy Body Dementia when I am with her.
You should examine your motives as to why you are making such an extraordinary sacrifice and make some changes if you are unhappy with the situation as it stands.
It is not fair that the expectation for caregiving falls to the daughters. The sons usually get a free pass. The days of women not working outside the home is over, and it sounds like your mother as with many in her generation don't see that.
If your mother is not paying you a stipend for your hard work, you should ask her to do so. You should get some financial compensation for your many sacrifices.
Would you have married him if he acted like this originally? How old are you? He is 78, and this could go on for at least 15 years. Don’t let your Christian values lead to ruining the remainder of your life. They put obligations on him too.
No guilt . You did not make your mother old. You have nothing to feel guilty about . Also you said “ Mostly you hate the crying “. Who is crying ? You , your mother , or both ? .
Talk to the doctor about possibly a mild antidepressants for one or both of you ??
Also can you get some respite somehow ? Are you able to leave the house and do something for you ?
Some days I just wish I'd just go ahead and go insane so I could think about rainbows and unicorns instead! 🫠
Sending a hug.
Part of me wonders if this is nature's way of making the final separation easier, somehow. Like how teenagers make parents so cray-cray that they're GLAD to ship 'em off to college, making the pain of THAT loss a little easier. Maybe?
As my son used to say, "How about NOT?" 😺. Keep your head up, you're not REALLY alone, we're all here for you, as you are for us.
~HB