What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving?

BlackHole, my mother is so much the same. She has pushed people, including family, away her whole life. She doesn't want to go anywhere other than church or out to eat. People get upset with me because I don't take her places, etc. They can't understand that it's not me. And, of course, they never offer to take her.

Our neighbor -- a wonderful woman -- recently died. My mother had been pushing her away for four years. They used to sit in the yard, but my mother started telling her she was sick and couldn't. Her friend finally gave up. When she died, my mother told everyone that her best friend had died and she was devastated. Inside I was a bit angry that she was using the woman's death to garner pity for herself. That is going too far.

When people ask me now why don't I do things with my mother, I just tell them that she doesn't want to do things. They'd have to walk a mile in my shoes to understand that it's true. I think she finds her TV friends and life happier than what goes on in the world.

Black Hole , Jessie Belle, my mother sits here all day every day watching Foxx news. Major problem is that she is in the family room. So she sees everything. Meaning I bring dirty clothes down to laundry room. She sees. Shouldn't be a big deal right? Except I separate dark and light colored clothes. Still shouldn't be a big deal. She jumps up from couch. Says I'll do the laundry. I say mum I separate clothes , don't want the white towels to get stained. She still takes them. Throws them on the washer. I follow her and separate them. I then repeat the towels will get discolored. Then I start the washer. I put the recyclables from my room in my purse now. Because when I leave to go food shopping from her daily list, I can put the plastic bottles in the recyle can because the garbage cans are near the garage. I can't believe my life and my husbands life is this controlled. So ya , when I take her to restaurants. , the menu confuses her. She does not want to go anywhere. And I'm fine with that. Who knew it would ever be like this. ?

It's so difficult. The 24/7. I know many people are going through a lot worse. I mean I have my health ( for now). I have a great husband and daughter. I have much to be thankful for. But this non stop responsibility is taking its toll.

Hello again JessieBelle, Erin and Blackhole,
I can relate to all of you. Mom has slowly alienated everyone out of her life, except me of course. I have offered everything, the point of getting her to socialize with "other people" but she absolutely refuses. The only time she is out without me is when she is getting her hair done once a week. She has created her own loneliness and I can't handle spending long amounts of time with her as I slowly go nuts. She lives right next to me in her own little 5 star resort cottage I have created for her happiness and safety. She watches TV and goes into her beloved garden I created and does useless things like picking up leaves one by one with a pair of BBQ tongs and a grocery bag. Maddening for me to watch as I always have a lengthy laundry list of things to do and being efficient is key for me to keep everything under control. She watches mostly pure annoying crap on TV too (like Kathy Lee Gifford and Hoda) that just aggravates me too so again, small but more frequent visits to check in. She has tablets of paper with huge lists of peoples names of the people on the TV programs she watches. Like this is important to refer to all the news commentators and show hosts names!!!! She never did anything like this before.
Her old friends have tried making requests to see her and she makes ME call or write them to break any dates or friendships of any kind. Once her old core team of friends died off, she simply shut down making any new friends thus making my responsibility even greater. She is embarrassed that she has memory issues and does not want to appear foolish or compromised in anyway. The consequence is her memory gets worse because she does not do anything to challenge her mind. I have offered everything.
The constant "need for things" at the store, I go and get them (between regular grocery store trips when she comes with me) and drives me nuts with her dire need for all her sweets, cookies, candies, ice cream and regular food comes secondary. It seems every other day she wants and needs something from the store. This is my life. Going to the stores and running errands.
She is also the neighborhood Nosey Nora (Mrs. Kravits) for those of you who remember the show "Bewitched" and stares out her window and watches everyone, I keep wondering what the heck the neighbors think of the weird old lady who stands in the window staring at them but she is sure to shut all her blinds at night so nobody can see her! She is getting weirder and weirder. She has always had tendencies to be nosey but when she was working, the obsession was not nearly as great because she was at work much of the time.
More and more I watch her morph into a helpless child that only wants my attention and all her wishes taken care of with her little lists she makes out all the time. No sooner do I get her things on her list and she has more to add. God help me but sometimes I just get so angry feeling like I live my entire life around everyone else and their needs and I am always last. My brothers are useless and one only came around for money or free lunches until I stopped him. The other comes by maybe once a year, if that. They figure since we have the property, they have no obligations to help and I should be doing everything! They have no idea. They were really no different prior to her having to come live with me. They think I have it made and how hard could it be caring for a little old lady?
I miss my freedom, my happiness, my life. I don't socialize with my few friends anymore because I am just not my happy self anymore. My husband say's I have turned into The Curmudgeon. Can't really deny it either.

My mother is almost 91 and lives alone in a condo. I am 7 minutes away. She has no sight in one eye, horrible balance, neuropathy in her feet, atrial fibrillation, and a history of small strokes (plus a cerebellar aneurysm). She has obsessions and compulsions and many "rules" that must be followed.

She gave me her car, and in exchange I am her driver (that's how she refers to me). She was quite angry when I told her I would take her to church, medical appointments and on one shopping trip/week. She expected that I would take her shopping whenever she wanted. She's now internalized my boundary, though.

She refuses to ask friends to come pick her up and take her to do things. She says she won't "impose" on them. So she talks to her few local friends on the phone. I'm not sure how productive those conversations are, as she is hard of hearing and refuses to acknowledge that. One friend does take her to church sometimes (which probably isn't a good idea, as she doesn't bring her rollator and uses a cane and hangs on her friend's arm; she can't "impose" on this friend to put the rollator in her car).

My mother would ideally have someone to monitor when she showers, and a housecleaning service. She refuses to get either. She keeps saying she will "look into it," but it never gets done. 

My mother was very social when she was younger. She needs to be in Assisted Living where she could be with her peers. But, no -- she isn't ready to give up her "independence" yet. So she stays in her condo, which my brother likens to a prison. It's stuffy (won't keep the condo cool enough or turn the fans on) and dark (blinds stay shut mostly). She doesn't even walk down to the cluster mailboxes anymore, as she now has a mailbox by her door.

I always think people expect me to take her out a lot. But I can't take it mentally. My mother has repeatedly told me I don't do much for her. She completely ignores the hours I spend taking her to medical appointments and shopping (1.5 hours in the grocery store to get 10 items!).

My golden boy brothers are wonderful, of course. And caring. That is what she tells people. They are long-distance.

My mother ignores everything I tell her. I have now decided to just not suggest anything anymore. I've been forbidden from going into medical appointments with her. So be it. I mentioned to her internist that the neurologist suggested some anti-anxiety meds. The internist said she doesn't like to prescribe those meds for elders. And that what my mother needs is for someone to check in with her daily to see what she needs.

Oh, no. NO. That would mean I would get a daily list of slave duties. My mother doesn't understand needs vs wants. And I think it was at that point that I further distanced myself from my mother.

She is legally competent, but does have holes in reasoning. It's probably a combination of can't hear/can't process/can't remember. But as long as she can legally make all of her own decisions, I am out of it and won't waste my time trying to convince her of anything.

I distance myself from her. I never invite her over to my house anymore (at Christmas she told me she doesn't want to come over anymore, and to next time just bring her a plate).

I know people on this site do a lot more for their elders than I do. My hat is off to them! But I don't have the mental stamina to be around my mother too much. I lost my son unexpectedly 6 years ago, and I do not have the mental resources to do much elder caregiving. I wish she lived near one of my brothers. 

Hah! So I suppose the internist was also ready to explain to your mother that your mother needed to pay for a daily home help visit?..? Excellent idea!

Um. Just by the way, though, your mother probably has vascular dementia or will be on her way to it. Do the Wonder Boys have POA for when they need to step in?

Those look to me like extremely healthy and sensible boundaries, and in turn I take my hat off to you for maintaining them when your mother's - can I say uncomfortably? - close to you. I hope it gets easier, hugs.

I will have to do some reading up on vascular dementia. A year ago her previous internist did a mini mental status exam. My mother missed one of the four questions, but nothing was said. I'm sure detailed testing would reveal deficits (for example, my mother doesn't appear to understand what percentages mean anymore).

When the PCP (internist) made the pronouncement that my mother needs someone to check in with her daily, I just looked at her. The dr. was educated in Nepal, and their culture probably has the elders being cared for by their families (probably daughters). My mother showtimes with the medical professionals. Her latest visit was a few weeks ago (because she was in the ER two days prior). The PCP wanted to see her again in three months. My mother didn't think that was necessary, and made the appointment for six months.

POA? My three brothers and I all have general durable POA, although my mother doesn't seem to understand what that means. She thinks no one can do anything in her name unless she is incompetent. Nearly all of her assets are locked tightly in a trust, so her funds can't be accessed unless she is declared incompetent. Two of my brothers are the successor trustees. All the financial stuff will have to be dealt with by them.

We visited an attorney 1.5 years ago. My state's health care proxy allows for one name plus an alternate. I was listed, and one of my brothers is the alternate. My mother told me a few weeks ago that she's changed that back to the way it was before by crossing things out and adding to the form -- all 4 of us will make health care decisions for her if she is unable to; has to be a majority. (So yes, it could be a 2:2 stalemate.)

The dreaded living arrangements, those are tough questions & decisions. They appear as age creeps up, or an illness, & usually with conflicts or a fight.

There's a window of time with memory impairments, but it's ? how long & not forever. I can't see much alone time, for health & safety reasons. Even in the early stage of ALZ my brother was struggling, those accidents were waiting to happen.

Then cost comes up. 24/7 care to stay in their own place, which is what most want, and/or the "perfect" facility is expensive. Without tons of $ or a long term insurance policy how does "perfect" get paid? I've noticed differences in self paid places vs Medicaid, it's like a 5 star hotel vs a "don't turn the lights off" place. Even sillier, our pet resorts can be nicer, yes, humor helps these days.

The ?s of what to do, where to go & when time comes up. There's reasons why we procrastinate & struggle, just saying.

We do the best we can, as long as we can, usually dragging what's to be out. Stay strong caregivers! Blessings 🌸

I'd be crazy with out this site. Not that I wish any of our circumstances on any one , ever. Just knowing I'm not the only one living like this helps.

Erinm60 - Walk A Mile In My Shoes - Joe South

Wow. I feel like I've found my people! I'm so thankful to have found this site. I sympathize and empathize with almost all that I've read recently, on this thread, especially.

The one thing that bothers me the most is knowing this will never end. Ever.

I'm not being dramatic (well, maybe a little but not much) - my mom lives with me (4 years) and has dementia, recently a rapid decline after her first ever hospitalization. Physically, she can walk a little with a walker. I have to do the rest for her. She's like ten second Tom. She can't remember anything - can't remember the simplest steps to accomplish a task like getting up, getting dressed, eating, changing herself (incontinence), or trying to use the bathroom. When/if she gets beyond my capabilities, she will need SNF or memory care, not sure. But also - MIL and FIL are late 80s and starting to have health problems. H has been spending a lot of time taking them to the doctor/hospital/shopping/ etc. Then, they have a mentally ill son my age that will also be our responsibility. H and I have had some pretty depressing talks about all this recently. We both feel doubtful that we will outlive our 4 adult charges.

I also have the uninvolved siblings. I have developed very deep negative feelings toward them in the past 4 years. Now that things here are much worse, I'm afraid I may erupt to one or all of them one day soon. They each have their own issues, but I don't understand how they never call, never send cards, never ask how she's doing. It makes me crazy sad to think some day one of my kids might treat me this way. How horrible!

So here we all are, trying to get through one day at a time.

Amen to that Erin!

Dejavu,
Welcome to caregiver sanity zone where we can vent so we don't explode on others but I understand why you have those feelings, sounds like reasonable emotions to very complex issues. I do not envy your position, someday's I feel like there is no end in sight with Mom but in reality, there will be. I have no further responsibility to any children (except my husband) 😆 after Mom passes. I do not speak to my sibling for similar reasons to yours so I will dissapear from my family entirely once Mom has passed.
I doubt I will live a dreadfully long life due to all the stress I have endured throughout my life only to have the later part taken over by caring for my Mom with dementia all by myself. That's a whole new kind of going nuts! She has gotten a lot worse lately, 10 second Tom memory. She still functions, goes to bathroom, dresses, showers, makes simple meals, goes out in her garden but the rest is all me.
Please do vent here anytime, many of us feel this is our only little slice of sanity because here, people truly understand you and are here to support you however they can. We are all in our own private little nightmares and there is such comfort in knowing you are not alone in your situation and your feelings about these things. So welcome dear, you have found many to relate to!

Hi Rainey. When I read your post about your mom. I wondered if my mom is her sister. Lol. Your post about the grocery store, the lists, how she wants no one but you do basically do everthing and be everything to and for her sure hit home. My daily trips to the grocery store are the highligts of my day. Sadly not kidding. Thanks for posting. This life we are living could be so much worse. I think we have to keep reminding ourselves that. I don't know. But on the other hand , they could be so much better. It's a mind game we need to play with ourselves. Like what you just wrote. It's not going to last forever, but it sure feels like it.

Hi Dejavu. Welcome. The ten second Tom statement made me chuckle. My mother is the same. This site is great. We are all in this together.

Funny how things change with time.

I decided to revisit this thread when it popped up again due to recent posts on it. I looked back and found my posts from 3 years ago, when I was "in the trenches" of caring for Mom while working my business full time from home as well.

My first post:

"The one thing that bothers me is how irritated I can get with my mother, and how guilty I feel for getting irritated with her.

The irritation stems from her unwillingness to do much of anything for herself. I cook all the meals, do all the housework, all the laundry, all the dishes, all the shopping, take care of the bills and financial matters including getting her life insurance (she's never had any), getting her a medical alert pendant to wear (and paying for it myself), etc. She is perfectly happy to sit in her chair and have me jump and fetch things for her when she wants/needs them - even though she is perfectly capable of getting up and getting it herself. I find myself getting annoyed when she gets up from her nap, because I know the demands will start again.

It's hard to narrow this down to the "one thing" that annoys the most - there are so many - no help from siblings who act as though Mom doesn't exist until Sunday morning when we go to breakfast together - and then they forget about her again; the lack of personal space, privacy or freedom; the fact that I had to give up a home I loved to move in with Mom to take care of her - and the resulting guilt I feel for feeling that way, like I'm being selfish; and the fact that despite my best efforts to keep her mobile and her mind sharp, she is declining slowly but surely right before my eyes. She is becoming more and more forgetful, asking me to repeat things I've said several times, refusing to move around or walk unless I force the issue - and because she's not walking much and is morbidly obese, her muscles and joints are starting to become uncooperative. (sigh)"

....and then my second post, not long after....

"I completely empathize with you on the travel thing. I keep thinking, "where is MY life?!?" "when am *I* going to get a chance to have my own life?" - and then I have to remember that I am the one that signed up for this "position" of caring for Mom and taking care of her finances and things around the house when Dad became ill and quickly passed away. No one else in the family could or would do it - I was the only one without a job outside the home (I own my own business and work from home), without small children in the home (2 adult kids and 1 teen that lives with his dad), and without a home that I owned (I rented). So it naturally just fell to me to do it. At times - like last night - I see my friends and family posting on Facebook about how they went out to the local pub and had fun with friends, or how they are traveling to further their career or taking a "girls day out" and going shopping, and I am consumed with envy and anger at my situation...but again, I have to remind myself, I am the one that put myself here. No one twisted my arm or told me I had to. However...Mom's undying gratitude to me always reminds me of how much she needs me, and that she might not be here if I hadn't done this for her. The other day, she told her doctor that if she didn't have me, it would have been hard to go on after Dad died. That struck me to my core and it was hard to hold in the tears.

As much as they frustrate us sometimes, we have to keep remembering that they need us - sometimes we are the only thing keeping them alive and in this world. That's an extremely important role, and we can't take it lightly."

And now....Mom is gone. She has been gone for almost a year now.

As much as I complained about being her caregiver, and as difficult and stressful as it was as her dementia advanced, she fell and required several hospitalizations and finally nursing home placement, which she hated....I would give anything to have her back, just to hear her voice again. To hear her laugh at something silly the cat or dog did, or to take her for a ride to the lake, or just to sit and talk with her again - pre-dementia, so she could tell me all those stories she loved to tell about her childhood.

Not sure I really have a point for posting this here - it just struck me how fast things can change. 3 years is not long at all, in the big scheme of things. Mom went from needing only minor help and reminders to needing someone to bathe and toilet her, get her meds out for her to take, drive her everywhere and make her meals for her - in just a matter of months. All it took was one very bad fall with a head injury (no brain injury, per the tests, but everything about her changed after that fall) - and she went from slow decline to incredibly rapid.

Hang in there folks.

Thanks SusanA43. You did put this in perspective. It's still hard though, as you know. Living the same day over and over and over again. And not pleasant days. But thanks. Appreciate your insights and perspective

Susan,
I just know I am going to feel the same way after Mom passes, thanks for posting that because it is easy to get overwhelmed, feel like a prisoner, feel like your emotions are going to explode dealing with the insanity lounge everyday but trying to hold on to the memory of her, prior to all this, missing those times, and feeling bad that we did not think that way while we are knee deep in the trenches. Thank you for sharing that insight and I am sorry for the loss of your Mom. I needed to hear that especially today after having a mind numbing attempt at a conversation today and hoping she would understand and remember, I see a flicker, then it's gone again.

Rainey. You said it all. Feeling like a prisoner. Today was one of those days. We walked the dogs at 7 pm. As we always do. A neighbor wanted to borrow something. When we got home, I told her I'll be right back. I'm going 4 houses away. It's less than 5 minutes. When I get back, she's out in the yard looking for me. I'm 56. I can't leave the house with out telling her. I guess that's normal though when you live with some one. But ya , I do remember when she was fun and normal. But she's been strange , for so long. I guess the level of dependency on me just overwhelms me. Ok. I'm done whining. Have a good night

What bother's me most about being a care giver is that at 85, my mother, who is very sharp, refuses to accept that she is getting older and can't take care of herself properly any more. After 5 hospital visits followed by rehab in 6 months, she insists on living in her own home....alone. She struggles with stairs, which her house is filled with, doesn't drive, needs help with medications, toileting, etc. She refuses to go into a very nice (and expensive) assisted living facility where there are people around her, activities geared to her abilities, and 24/7 PROFESSIONAL care and monitoring. She refuses to even listen to logic that says she is already in "assisted living" in her own home, because she needs assistance with every day activities, including maintaining her home. She won't even TRY the facility before deciding it isn't what she wants. It also bothers me that the "professionals" say she is competent, but how can a "truly" competent person continue to make one bad decision after another, not be able to logically assess and understand their situation, etc.? it bothers me that there is a better option available to her, that she can afford and that would make both of our lives better, but refuses to even discuss it.

Thanks for the welcome!

Susan, I do appreciate your reminder that one day, this suffocating responsibility will end, and we will wish for time with our loved ones again.

I have to laugh, thinking of how misery loves company. Oh my gosh, I am so glad to find others in this same boat, even though I wish we were all on the beach, sipping Pina Coladas instead.

Dejavu. I wish it was Cancun. Yes misery does love company. But we are miserable. Lol. This site helps. Believe me. I was so depressed in March. I told my 21 year old daughter that this is killing me. I mean taking care of my 79 yr old mother. I've never been depressed hopeless. Not like I was She found this site for me. Thank you God that she did. I'm not into Facebook. Twitter or any thing like that and I feared this site. I was wrong. It's become my peace. A safe place. Welcome again. You Will find great comrodery here. Hope I spelled that right.

Erin,
We understand each other perfectly. I have been so stressed out lately with so many things, yesterday I felt like I was going to have a meltdown. One person who had done one more thing to upset me was going to have seen the very scary side of me that I try to keep well under wraps. Sometimes I get into the mindset that I just can't take one more thing. Unreliable workers you hire to do a job and they charge top dollar to do a half a$$ed job, if they even show up. I get a notice from Kaiser saying we are delinquent on a payment and when I call to find out, they have no record that I am DPOA and handle all Mom's finances even though we paid her attorney 500 an hour to have that all on record. They won't tell me anything about what it is for until her attorney faxes them the paperwork saying I am allowed to handle this stuff. Grrrrrrrrrrr! I hate that hospital! She was hospitalized last January when she got cellulitus from her lymphatic leg, it happens every now and then. I never got a bill, now here it is June and they are saying she is delinquent! I go through all her paperwork, make sure everything is paid, etc. Then the well started leaking "again" and we had just had someone out a week or so ago to fix it, etc, etc. Meanwhile, it's been hotter then heck this week and I hoped to get the A/C repaired. The guy finally shows up after I chased him and he tells us we need a new unit at roughly 4k. Looks like that won't be fixed anytime soon.
Then Mom. She is getting worse. Her memory is getting way worse, I have noticed in the last couple weeks this is going into another stage. I kept hoping she was just going through a bad day here and there but I realized today that it is becoming consistent. Her recollection of events is disappearing completely. Then I wonder how long it will be before I cannot even do the part time work of caregiving just so I can pay my personal bills because I won't be able to leave her alone even for a few hours here and there.
Lastly, my husband does not acknowledge the stress that comes with caregiving a parent with dementia. He say's he "doesn't buy it." Great. He doesn't want to hear my concerns and above all, he will freak out the day I tell him I should not leave Mom alone anymore. He won't see it until she is drooling and unable to do anything for herself. Stressed?????? Yeah. It seems all consuming at times. So, I have a Mom progressing with her dementia and a husband that can't see how it affects my life so much. This site is my only line to sanity. I don't know what I would do without you and others I have become close with that really understand.
Thanks for just being you and I value your words and understanding so much.

Hi Hulacat13. I totally understand. My mother used to say that she has long term care insurance, and when she needed to leave my house, her house as well because she's been here 23 years, she would. Well those days are gone. She couldn't live alone for more than a week. She doesn't drive. She has no body really except me and my husband , but she with MCI with amnesic features. Thinks she's just fine. I'm pretty sure she's past MCI and has progressed to Alzheimer's. I think she is in complete denial. She thinks she's fine. Her car needs to be inspected by the end of July. That's one of my duties on her pages of lists for me to do. I'm going to tell her that if she can't drive to get it inspected then she shouldn't drive anymore. Not sure how that's going to go over but she drives once a month to get her hair done. A year ago , she was driving 4 or 5 days a week to a part time job. She lived to work. Worked since she was 15. She is 79. Of course I wouldn't let her drive to get car inspected. But I'm going to tell her that in my opinion she shouldn't be driving period. That's going to cut through the denial but her driving days should be done. I kind of feel that I'm an enabler by pretending everything is normal. But some things can't be over looked. She fell 3 weeks ago. Not bad but it could have been. 2 days ago I walked into the kitchen and she was standing on the kitchen table. She wanted to turn the fan off that is part of the kitchen light. It has 2 cords. One for fan one for the light. I ran over , held her hand , got her off the table , and said what are you doing? You fell 3 weeks ago. She said the fan running is dangerous. I said the switch is here where it has been for 20'plus years on the wall. On/Off. sorry for rambling. I feel I can't keep protecting her image of herself versus her reality of doing harm to herself.

Rainey. Our moms seem like sisters and so do we. You and other people here probably saved me. I'm not suicidal. Never. But back in March I told my 21 yr old daughter that I really didn't care if I died. Some song from the 90 's. Hold me now I'm 6 feet from the edge and I'm thinking maybe 6 feet not so far down. Well she found this site. And yes our lives are crap They are. But at least we are alive. At least we are well enough to deal with this deck we have been dealt. My daughters friend has a dad who has a severed spinal cord. He was in an accident Sunday. He's on life support. He was fine Saturday. He's paralyzed. So I guess I'm saying no one knows when something like that can happen and Thank God we can still walk and talk and keep on going. Thank you and every one else who is on this site. You made and continue to make it a little bit more bearable.

Erin,
Having to take away driving priveleges is not fun or easy, I had to do it to Mom. I have a few suggestions for you. Let her insurance company know she is no longer safe behind the wheel. If you have anything like fender benders, or anything else, this will help. I told Mom her insurance lady was not wanting her to drive anymore, she was unable to get the stories right when she asked her what happened on her little fender benders. I was present and the insurance lady gave me "the look." I gave her "the ( I understand ) look back and proceeded to tell her her insurance lady did not want her driving anymore. I then proceeded to appeal to her that at her age, if she got into a more serious accident, not only could she endanger her life as well as others, but she could lose everything if she hit the wrong person. Did she really want to take that gamble at this stage in her life? She was able to comprehend that and reluctantly agreed. I also told her I would be her chauffeur and take her wherever she needed to go. She still makes comments about how she wishes she could drive herself but deep down she knows she can't. Hopefully, that will help you out a bit but it is not fun to take away the freedom from them but it is for the safety of everyone before something really bad happens.
OK, now I really gotta try to get to bed, hopefully my cats will allow me to do that!!!!

PS Erin,
I will write you more tomorrow about you not wanting to live anymore, believe me, I can absolutely relate to that dark thought. I confess I have been on that track a lot lately. I have also said it to my husband in more ambiguous ways.

Ah Susan, I can relate to your post. I was recently reading some of my old posts too and I could hardly believe they were from only 3 years ago, the issues I raised seem so distantly in the past. In less than a decade my mom has gone from completely independent to a frail wisp of a woman who needs as much care as a newborn, the changes more rapid each year.

Erinm60 & caregivers,

Driving issues, another tough 1! You'll need luck with this!

Some states have different laws regarding driving. I found FL's to be very frightening & lax, maybe due to a huge senior population.  You don't need a license to drive everything, i.e. a scooter with limited speed capabilities is ok.

Yes, it's a challenge  convincing most "it's time."  It's really high in the list of losing their independence & acknowledging they need more assistance, we know the struggles of that.

A good caring & intended personnel needs to step up to the plate & say, "done."  This way you are not the bad guy once again.  Could be a doctor, insurance agent, a visit to the family lawyer just stating the facts.  An accident, even if one is not at fault, would not be good for anyone, the potential to lose personal assets is there & that can be the needed wake up call.

Most states also have a mandated driving test that must be taken to prove  if the capability is still there to continue driving after a medical occurrence & diagnosis.  It's a 3 part I've heard; controlled driving, written test & a computer generated one.  The whole deal involved is serious &  intimidating & if we know what's true, sad.

We can't forget the real intent is to keep our loved one, everyone, alive & safe.  Us caregivers can do this! Blessings 🌸

Erinm60, regarding the driving. I was "lucky" in that my mom had a very small accident....not involving another car or person....but because someone reported her to the police (yes, she fled the scene only to have another senior get her license plate and report her....kind of ironic), the state came back and required her to take a driving test, which she failed. Normally she could go back in a day or two and retest, but because this "requirement" was due to an accident, they only gave her one chance. She would have a longer waiting period to retest, and during that time she fell ill and has been in and out of the hospital and rehab ever since. When her insurance came due, along with the license plate renewal and village sticker, the cost was almost $1000 for 6 months! I went to her and said that it was time to sell the car. I told her, however, that if she ever got around to retesting for her license (I know she never will), and she passed, we would buy her another car. Until then, though, it was foolish to keep paying that kind of money to have the car sit unused in the garage. During all this, however, I found out that in my state (IL), ANYONE can report a senior to the state anonymously regarding their ability to drive, and the state will require them to retest. So maybe look into whether that is an option. If your dad can't pass the test, that is the end of the issue....AND, you are not the "bad guy"....the state is! If that isn't an option, get your insurance agent to tell him they won't insure him...period. Again, in my state, it is illegal to drive without insurance. AND, a lot of companies WONT insure seniors. I tried to change insurance companies for my mom a few years ago, and even with a clean record, no one would touch her. Her current company had no reason to drop her at the time, so we stayed with them, but at a ridiculous cost for her to drive one day a week for groceries and the pharmacy! Anyway, the state solved the problem for me. She wasn't happy, and has TRIED to blame me for taking away her license, but I just point out that SHE failed the test, not me....and that pretty much ends it. Good luck, but on this point I do think you have some options.