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Ditto to above. I took total care of my FIL for 4 years. Now barely without a break. Its my MIL who was never high in my book. She couldn't wait to have the house to herself, then she expected ME to sit and watch her smoke and watch old westerns, hour after hour. Now she suffers from dementia. She walks for who she wants to and plays "I can't walk" with other. I have a terminal diagnosis. My son was with her for 4 hours she walked and treated him like company. I got there she couldn't walk. She wanted me to wheel her. I finally said "I'm sick and you need to walk and she did. Heres what i hate. I put up with this manipulative bs for 16 years. In all that time, I've never had anytime free from those people even when I was still healthy. Now I'm dying and I'm filled with resentment.
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Many of you are right about asking how we are doing.Its always about how the person who you are taking care of.And they don't realise if something happens to us then we couldn't take care of them. Why can't they ever ask how we are.We are doing everything for them and we have big hearts for doing this ,don't we?
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yes
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Reply to gypsyblu
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iv been care giver for last 8 years...what bothers me most is families not wanting to give daddy or mommy meds to calm their self's down..... iv been told oh ur professional u can deal with it or it takes away from their personalty. or its who they are.

just today i declined a job where the mom was belligerent, talking bad about every one ! I told her son who is 50 years of age, sorry no can do !!

I keep running into this scenario often to point where iv tuned down 5 jobs in last year!!!!!!

please people its not going to harm ur loved ones to take meds for their personal tizzy fits they have !!!! ur loved one is better off !! less confrontational, less paranoid about feeling left out, less angry. iv dealt with yelling, screaming having my life threatened ! them being jealous of stupid things or just jealous of me cause im not 95 years old !! them getting angry cause I didn't do things their way even though end result is same !! ( washing dishes , using paper towel instead of napkin stupid crap they nick pik on....

PLEASE GIVE UR LOVED ONE MEDS TO CALM THEM DOWN IT MAKES LIFE SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER FOR BOTH SIDES
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Hi Rainey. Thank you for sharing your " dark thoughts". We have to keep fighting them. My cousins son hung himself last year in their garage. I would never put that pain on my husband or daughter. Or even my comprised mother who causes the pain. I think we need to put this in some type of perspective. Logically , It's not going to last for ever . ( except if you read the posts from an 80 year old on here whose mother is 105). God Bless her. God Bless us too. I don't know about you , but I used to be much more religious. Attended parachoial schools. It's kind of slipped away. But I still pray. Maybe talking to a priest/ minister/ rabbi who ever could help. Maybe anti depressants. I think the bottom line is we let our mothers dementia take not only control of them , ( well no dementia did that on its own ) but of us. I mean I don't socialize either. I used to. I'm always here. I feel guilty because I just wish she would leave the house even for an hour. Of course being picked up, not driving. She does have 1 friend who drives. But she's backing away from that as well. She's like a spider and I'm in her web. Sorry for going on. But thank you for your understanding.
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WannaBananna. I'm so sorry.
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Thanks to everyone who posted about her driving liscence. I'm figuring out what will work.
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Expecting me to get up every few hours in night to take their loved to bath room then stay up all day to care for them as if I'm supper woman!!

Family expecting me to be gourmet cook, personal maid, professional house keeper, personal assistant to their kids who don't live there!! and yet be ok with their loved ones taking out their issues on me all because I'm professional !!

I have found Its either family or patient who has issues !!!

expecting me to stay busy 24/7 as if I'm their personal slave !!
keeping house extremely warm when I'm cooking, cleaning, running around like a chicken with  MY head cut off sweating and its all ready 80 degrees out side TURN ON D*MN AC bundle up mom or dad for god sakes!!
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Does any one know how to respond to private messages on this site. Sorry not exceptionally bright in this area. Thanks
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Yes, just click their name. It will take you to their wall. Then you can click the box that says Private Message and write your message on their wall.
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Thank you Jessie Belle
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I was also "lucky" with the driving - when mom moved in with me, we told her it wasn't safe for her to drive in our high traffic suburban area. She was used to a town like Mayberry. And it really wasn't safe there either. She got mad, but since I had her keys, and her car was back at her house, she didn't have a choice. She grumbled for a few months, then got over it.

I also have that "what is the point of life" feeling now and again. (Haha, a lot recently.) Not in a realistic, I will do something about it way, but in a deeply hopeless way. I need to figure out how to cope better because the future is bleak. I have MIL, FIL and a BIL that we will be responsible for, probably within a year or two.

It's funny how people don't ask how WE are doing. We are the ones doing all the work! Plus all the work of taking care of our own lives. My favorite is when someone says, "Well, I hope there will be a clear easy solution for you soon." Do they have any idea how idiotic that sounds?
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Ok guys. I click on some ones wall , no where do i see " private message". Is it under where you can send a hug?
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Found it.
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Dejavu,
I get it. I was even saying to my husband today that my life has been a never ending battle of one kind or another and life is just not fun anymore, just more battles. Taking care of Mom and her issues, my dysfunctional siblings, arguing with husband on how to deal with Mom, on and on. I pray the next life I will have peace. You aren't alone. No, I am not going to do anything about it either except pray I don't live long enough to be a pain in the a$$ to anyone else!
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In response to the original question. What's bothering me the most is my 21 yr old who is blaming me for my mother shrinking her clothes. Ya. Not kidding. Daughter washed clothes. Then set the dryer for cycle she wanted. Well as we can anticipate , mother got to the clothes sooner than daughter and put dryer on the cycle she knows the best. So I get angry text from my daughter. She also said she's your mother not mine. And she didn't ask to born in to this. I was hurt. Like I caused dementia. Like my mother wants dementia. On the other hand. I'm not happy , my daughter s not happy. My husband fluctuates. And my mother sits all day watching the same channel and thinking my purpose is to go to the store for her and bring her food. So what if my daughter is right.? At least she has an apartment and is only here on weekends. I don't have the heart to send her to assisted living. She's not there yet. But close. I just hope I haven't set the stage for my daughter some day to be talking to a therapist about me. Any thoughts are welcome
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Where to start? There is more than one thing that bothers me most, haha. I think my biggest gripe today is that the "stuff" never ends. There's no closure on so many things--like you think you have all the financial issues lined up but then find out that once again there's yet another form or another hoop to jump through. Or you think you have the prescription meds all under control, but then health symptoms change and so a new regimen of medications is called for, again! Or you think you've figured out the Medicaid application process, but again there's one more hoop to jump through. It just never freaking ends. And those things are mentally draining--soul killing I call them.
And the next thing that bothers me most is the feeling helpless. I always beat myself up for not being able to do more, but realistically we just can't wave magic wands and make everything all better.
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Want to add I did say to my daughter that you're gone 5 days a week. I'm here. This is all on me. And her dad a little. But I'm the one who has to deal with everything.
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Erinm60 - your daughter sounds a little spoiled, to me. She's 21, not 12. She has an apartment. If she chooses to spend her weekends at your home, she needs to accept the situation that you have there. I'm sure it's difficult for everyone. If she's there to help you care for your mother (it wasn't clear from your post), she can help by not giving you a hard time about things that are not under your control.
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Thank you Carla. She's here on weekends because she loves the house. She loves her room. Her dogs. ( not really ) the dogs. She was born and raised in this house. She's comfortable here. But ya. Agreed. Her grand mother has lived here her entire life. Not a new situation. My moms behavior is new. Hard on everyone. I agree she did react like a spoiled brat.
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I also live in Florida now and when my neighbor got caught driving at three in the morning at five miles an hour they stopped her, asked her a few questions, called an ambulance and they parked her car at a parking lot and took her to the hospital for 12 days running tests on her but they did take her license away from her and until she has a doctors report stating she is fit to drive which they won't, they will not give it back to her. But you are right, they drive around in golf carts running into others and other property and nothing is done to them for it.
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Dear Caregivers,

I can identify with all of your dilemmas! I do think a lot of our depression, frustration & stress may be due to caregiving. The repetious of it all, the structure & consistency we should adhere to in hopes that it makes it easier, keeps things on target for everyone.  We hope that it works, sometimes it does or doesn't.  There's no rhyme or reason, we may be tired, not 100%, hey we're allowed, so it ends up being not the best of days for us, anyone.

Meals & meds at the same time; bathroom reminders or change of clothes & showers, I am doing more than 1 a day for my brother these days; bedtime which has its trials & tribulations, I don't dare wake him, move him for a pillow or try to make him more comfortable, if he's in 1 place or position he wants to stay there.

Then there's the miscellaneous, stuff that can keep our minds going endlessly.  Phone calls, consults & visits to so called professionals who may make us more confused or enlightened.  There's notes & paperwork galore, to be kept & filed for reference.

There's always the same old to do & there is more of it, cooking,  cleaning, groceries, laundry, shopping.  You can't get behind in this stuff, if you do, it's a challenge to get it done.

We contemplate on how & what we should do.  We are bombarded with emotions & feelings, maybe more sad than happy.  It's part of caregiving, yet I don't recall reading about it.

Yes, FL, caters to their elder population.  Their healthcare professionals are the worst, don't get ill down there.  The driving rules = accidents waiting to happen.  My brother couldn't cross a street, yet, could purchase a mo-ped, no license needed.  The encouragement of that from friends, "Are you kidding," I exclaimed! Frightening!

Caregivers stay strong & focused.  Take care of you as well, prioritize that if you must, without guilt.  Reminisce about love & memories.  Each & every day is a blessing! Blessings 🌸
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Reply to Blessings4Ever
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Erin,
I am sorry but I just have to giggle hearing your daughter say, "I didn't ask to be born into this." I don't think any of us did! Lots of kids say stuff like "I didn't ask to be born!" LOL!!!! Takes me back. Gotta love those typical remarks when they get frustrated. Don't take it personally. You are right, you are there ALL THE TIME, not just weekends. You are the gopher, "go get me this, I need that" when Mom wants something. Bet she sure wouldn't want to be in your position! She is just too young to understand and she is at the age when it's all about her. Give her sometime. I think the time you begin to truly emerge into being an adult is about 30 these days. The changes that take place between 20 and 30 are huge! Doesn't sound like anything so tramatizing is going on to send her running to therapy. My Grandma shrunk my clothes? Mom is stressed? I can think of a lot worse! 😊 Hang in there!
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Today I dislike myself for my resentment of the amount of time and energy I have given my mother over the years - she is a "martyr' who has always used her suffering for attention and to 'hold court'. I love her and do like some parts of her personality, but I also find her rather loathsome - manipulative and toxic - and I have had to have a lot of therapy to understand our relationship and not let it poison my life totally. She is 90 this year and has multiple health issues so I spend vast amount of time ferrying her to hospital appointments, taking her for outings, shopping, cleaning etc. Her own retirement, after a relaxing, slow working life, has been lengthy and self indulgent. Mine has been frantically busy with my own world and hers and I'm finding myself becoming more and more resentful and fed up with her. Her endless illnesses and accidents have become repetitious and boring to me. I am not very maternal and haven't had children of my own, but have done a lot of care and enabling work in my life and am frankly tired of it!  Sorry, just offloading before the next round - I'm exhausted and selfishly just want to get on with my life. From reading all the other responses I can see how lucky I am compared to so many others, I think perhaps caregiving should be a subject explored and a discussed at schools and colleges. I'm tempermentally unsuited to the role, but have always done my best and have had some real successes working with certain clients - even with my mum on occasion! I have learned a lot of patience along the way too ... but I really want to be an artist!
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I agree that caregiving should be addressed at the high school and college level. In college (decades ago!), I took a Gerontology elective. Just one class. The topic was new at the time. The professor noted that as our population lives longer, this will become an important discipline. (About 10 years later, an acquaintance got a Master's in Gerontology. In Florida. 😃)

My gerontology class was interesting. Altho at the time, all of my grandparents were dead, Mom was late 40s and Dad was late 50s. So some context was lost on me!

Now that I know what I know.....my class just scratched the surface. Of course! It was an "intro" elective, after all.

For some reason, what stuck with me was learning that illness and maladies often become the elderly's #1 topic. For some, with good reason. For others, as a means of jumping on the bandwagon or one-upping. And -- the folks who live the longest find that funeral homes become their major social outlet. Ouch! But so true, right??

I would flash back to that when Mom's primary phone topics became announcing who died (whether I knew them or not) and updates on everyone's physical disorders. Extra points if it was newly diagnosed!

What ticked me off -- and still does -- is that my mom was in her late 50s when she started this sh*t. Not too long into her 2nd marriage.

At this phase of Mom's life, there were many recent improvements RE finances, housing, social life. Basically, an all-around upgrade in.....hope. And also a challenge for Mom, as she had to mesh with more (and more varied) personalities than she was accustomed to. 

After the novelty wore off, Mom's new neighbors and new extended family were simply a new backdrop for old tendencies. Then as Mom aged, UGH.
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My 28 yr old 1st time pregnant daughter wants her "normal" mom back...the one not stressed out with the daily thoughts etc of caring for aging confused parents.
I want that too and to only focus on her baby in the oven.  Although, daughter is very understanding and helpful (maybe cuz she's older than yours) 21 is a tough age, be thrilled she wants to come home.  😊
It's like my husband and kids get a small  bot of their wife/mom...I try but it's exhausting
And I'm getting better slowly 
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Resentment is all consuming. My bil and this dreadful disease ALZ. has so interrupted our lives ( my husband and I are in our seventies) that we are bickering more then we ever did in our 50years of marriage. I never really knew my bil so there was no loving brother sister in law relationship to start with here. There have been some real angry times with my hub and him in these 4 years of being his caregiver My role in this scenerio is to keep quiet and say nothing that my disturb my bil , as it would automatically be bad for my hub . My bil is no sweet endearing 72 yearold, but is a ornery , paranoid, angry man. My husband was the only one able to take him in , he lived alone had no children , so we were the only ones left. He not only has alz. but he is bipolar,dyslexia, ocd and ptsd and I might add he's in very good physical shape.
Guess what I'm getting at, I have lost the enjoyment of living in the moment., by wondering how much longer will this go on ?!
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Hi Rainey Hi Bella. Thank you for responding. I know 21 is tough. Not as tough as high school was for her. If you ever get a chance , watch " Mean Girls". Bella you are right , I am glad she wants to come home on weekends. Best of luck with new grand baby. Rainey , ya I know. It does sound extreme that she would need therapy for shrunken clothes. The thing I was referring to I guess is that because my mother has lived with us since before my daughter was born, is that going to be something she needs to discuss professionally some day ? It was wonderful at first. My daughter was born a year after we moved in together with my mom. I always had a baby sitter. It was a great situation. My mom didn't have to work and we had child care. It got goofy when my daughter started grade school. My mom went through her homework. Took copies of her homework to her friends to see if they could figure it out. I mean intrusive invasion of my daughter s privacy. I don't remember ( God Help me there) if I said anything to mom or not. Probably, but it wouldn't have mattered. Then teenage years come. My mom hated the sleepovers. Rather critical of all of daughters friends. It's just that we have NEVER had one holiday or birthday with just the 3 of us. My mother has no other kids. She basically since 1994 has always been here. So now dementia. I hate to say it but the stupidity , the repetition. The daily annoyance of waking up , going down stairs to see her in the same clothes as yesterday watching the same channel. I do remind her to change shirts and pants every other day. But that's what I'm wondering about in re: to psychologically damaging my daughter. Her boyfriend had surgery last week. She has stayed at his family's house to help his mom and him. She said it's so nice being in a " normal" house with no stress. so ya I am stressed by my mother. She's stressed by my mother. Well I'm rambling. Hope everyone has a good day
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1111Mary I have as well lost the enjoyment of living in the moment. It is just one of the most mentally draining situations to be in. Caregiving is off the charts draining. Thinking about all the self help groups out there. They are for the addicts . We are like the drugs or the donuts or the booze. These people that we care for seem to get addicted to us and what we do. Some don't want any body but us to take care of them. It's so hard.
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Erin,
I can see the picture better now. Yeah, I can see that being a long stressful situation for her. Lots of annoyances. I think her perspective will change when she gets a bit older and can put things in proper context. I gotta tell ya, I don't know anyone (except one friend) who did not have some sort of dysfunctional childhood. It is the new norm, if you had an idealistic childhood, you are the rare coin in the pile. We all have our stories of crazy. My husbands mother always had some "other family member" living with them that had mental issues that she was taking care of. He turned out fine. He isn't scarred for life. Was what she did right? She did what she thought was right. Unfortunately, that put the he and his sister "second" always. Me, I could write a novel on the dysfunction I grew up with, no joke. I managed to make it even though I have my days where I feel like I am gonna crack. I am not in the ward yet. LOL!!!!!
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