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It is so hard to be their everything, to watch them relinquish more and more of their independence and evolve into a different person than the one we thought we knew. We tell ourselves we are serving the mother/father/spouse we love, but the person we see everyday is a stranger who says and does things our loved ones would never have done or said. It can leave you wondering if your memories of better times are false, if this stranger you are caring for is all there ever was, is their true self?
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cwillie,
You are so right. It is crushing to watch your parent become somebody you barely recognize. It's heartbreaking as well as frustrating! You remember who they were, now they are becoming absent minded children that need to be watched/babysat. Something none of us ever imagined we would be doing when thinking of our futures. Then the dreaded "D" word has confirmed your worst fears (when you started seeing red flags) are now reality sets in. Then, ususally one designated child gets the glory of being the "responsible one" and the other sideliners just criticize and keep wondering where "their fair share is" and accuse you of taking it, all the while living their lives without lifting a finger to help.
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Reply to Rainey69
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Amen Rainey. Cwillie agree 100 percent. The level of their dependency can destroy you. I mean you in the general sense. Not you specifically. That's why we have to get some breaks. Some "normalacy" in our so strange ,( not sure of word). But our so turned upside down worlds.
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Caregivers To Parents:

I want you all to know that I commend you all for being there for your parents.

Most of us can agree that seeing our dear parents ill & slipping away is an overwhelming sadness. We hate it!

There's a special bond between parent & child, us & them, a forever one. Reminisce your growing up years & I am sure you were loved no matter, unconditionally. Family, love & memories matter.

Keep up the good work, loving & caring for your parents. It doesn't get any better. I would do it again (RIP) dear parents!

Blessings 🌸
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Reply to Blessings4Ever
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A Facebook friend shared this poem today. I thought it very good for family caregivers, too.

On Children
by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
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Reply to JessieBelle
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this what bothers me I do every thing from yard work taking out trash to dishes cleaning and laundry and cooking i have develope health problems RA arthrist and other and can not do this any more he made a comment to some i was talking to some one about my daughter in iowa offering us a place to live he said she can go if she wants but not me she said thats not fair to me he did not say any i had wrist replacement surgery wrist replacement my wrist is in a cast so i ve been doing every thing one handed it has not been easy cant afford help all the family lives out of state
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The one thing that bothered me the most was cleaning up the messes everywhere from explosive diarrhea. This happened about once a week.

I usually got my Dad to sit on a towel in the car.... and washable chuck pads in the living room. But...still, the mess.... carpet, floors, etc. etc. the he would roll his walker through it and I'd have the tracks everywhere.

Very hard to not lose my temper.
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Reply to Katiekate
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for me as a care giver for both my parents both 92 and both with dementia/alztimers
what bothers and hurts me the most is watching two healthy loving people fall apart a little each day that passes. my mom is also like many of the other people wrote about, selfish, only looks at things her way, life is all about just her and what people can do for her today. I used to talk, fight, yell, and ignore all of her demands with no results but anger on my part. now I have taught myself to just do what she needs and ignore the rest. she will yell, curse, or whatever if I don't buy her something that I know she is not supposed to eat for example, I just tell her no mom its not good for you and I am not buying it and leave her room. I just learned to ignore the negativity that comes out of her mouth all of the time. she will do nothing for herself and she is able to do things. i don't have the time or energy to put up with it so i just leave the room. dad, is great. he is health wise , much worse than mom but he never raising his voice or says anything nasty. hers so understanding and patient, even being sick....
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Reply to lizzy1952
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It's hard to name just one thing that bothers me when twenty spring to mind but if I have to choose - the top one today is - dealing with someone else's personal hygiene. Both my mom and mother-in-law have ALZ and both are in Memory Care facilities. Both have incontinence issues. So for the past few weeks all conversations at home and with staff have revolved around size, frequency, strategies for cleaning, diet, etc. This is what my life has become. A constant narrative about someone else's poo.
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Reply to madzeena
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To mjapril123 I so know the feeling but fortunately I'm able to make the most of it. Even a trip to the drug store is a treat now!
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Reply to corinna
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Yes the #2 is the worst.

My brother has become a couch potato these days, the only time he changes his position on "his" couch is if he's done the dirty deed. I know this is a clue that another shower is needed, but my 1st challenge is getting him up from the position he has put himself in.

Katiekate,

Yes I can relate to your dilemmas. When the incontinence started the 1 & 2 were all over the place. I left perfectly good carpeting down to prevent falls. I have my cleaning ritual down to a science, bleach is my new best friend & Stanley Steamer is on speed dial. There's a suite re-do waiting to happen someday, $$$.

Madzeena,

I've had the same conversations regarding 1 & 2. I'm on a mission to avoid UTIs & other health issues, always a possibility with incontinence.

I vent my anger to myself while cleaning, seems to help. I remind myself that the "yukky" conversations are for professionals only, not friends when asked, "What's new?"

Humor & this forum helps a lot these days!

Blessings 🌸
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Reply to Blessings4Ever
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I used to think that bathroom issues would be the deal closer. Now use Lysol wipes and comet spray very often. I do one bathroom. My daughter the other. Give you guys a lot of credit. Nothing's happened on furniture or carpets. Yet.
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Reply to Erinm60
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Anyone deal with pooping on the floor n potty only seemingly only when their mad?? Omg had to scoop a pile yesterday when she was pissed at me never seen it this bad lord help me!!
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Reply to INEEDALIFE80
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On the walls toilet paper holder walls sink her omg freakin everywhere!!!
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cdn reader Don't do the guilt thing, sweetie; I know it's hard, but try a change of focus, like we do with a horse that wants to do the wrong thing - just turn his head, and change the focus.... same for you and the rest of us. We did what we did and what we could at the time, and now on to the next thing instead of driving ourselves nuts.
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oleput Oh, do I understand that! Walkers are my nemesis (I never remember to open doors wide enough) and have to sling them in and out of the van at each stop. I have my mom and a client, actually a friend, since I'm only her companion and we have good times. The bad news is they are both on walkers, and by the time I'm done taking one of them out (separate days, must be separate days!), I'm exhausted! Pick easier ways to entertain your husband; not so much stuff, closer, games at home? Company for coffee? I've been setting boundaries with both of mine and am down to once a week each, with phone calls the rest of the time, and not always going somewhere. You can do this, only smarter, not harder - God bless!
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zaisie, You would be worse if you had him at home.... listen to the ones who say you had become joyless. You just can't lose yourself and your life, and have already done a lot.
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Thank you Blessings4ever. You are so right - this website has been a sanity saver. And I can't count the number of times posts have made me laugh out loud. It's just a relief knowing I'm not alone in this.
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I give credit to all of you. I have mom dad and husband bedridden. incontinence and I decided to go the diaper road. husband has parkinsons disease. I rather clean the pads and poop off their butts than the bathroom road. mom dad 92 hubby 70. its very difficult when I only have two hands and they are all screaming at once. I am curious what type of help you all have if any?
four sisters and all of a sudden when the" crap" hit the fan they ran leaving me with all of the headaches and responsibility . down days yes but I as some of you stated look at the funny things that they do or say because of the dementia. dad is so funny . some of the stories that come out of his mouth. that's what gets me thru the day. special things that they say or do will be a memory for me to smile about when they are gone. IF I DONT GO FIRST...lol.....
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Lizzy1952. You are a Saint. God Bless you
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Reply to Erinm60
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I love so many of these answers - especially the vicious circle of guilt and irritation, the loss of freedom and "being me," the stunning lack of appreciation. But for me, I'm struggling with the loss of personal mythology around my parents - I held my dad up - as the kind one, the easy going one, and although I loved and respected her, I viewed my mom more as a b(*&. My mom died from breast cancer in 2013 - and I was lucky enough to heal with her most wounds in our relationship - and her death was as good as it was going to get. My dad moved in with me. Now almost five years later, I've made the horrible discovery (of sorts) that it was my MOM who did all that I loved - that my dad is essentially clueless about me and my family - and it was my mom who gave a d*mn about me and my life, and my dad was just going along for the ride. He loved/loves my mom so much, that I've gotten the distinct feeling that I (as an only child) really am an afterthought in some ways. Their anniversary is Aug. 25 - my birthday is Aug 28 - at least twice in the past years, he has had me dutifully send flowers to her grave and completely forgotten my birthday, even though he lives in my house. It's stunning. Not only because I feel like I've held up someone who didn't necessarily deserve it, but that I gave my mother a bad rap - and I'm racked with guilt. I just read a book of poetry she wrote, and I was struck by how many dedications she gave - right down to the printer guy. How grateful she was for help on everything (she had a debilitating stroke at 55), in contrast to my dad, who strangely seems to feel very entitled about anything to do with his life. So strange. So sad. I fear that by the time he passes, I might not like him much at all. How horrible. My dad. He used to be my heart.
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Reply to tiredonlychild
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At 31 I feel like I have zero freedom. My mother lives with me, my husband and our 2 kids. I work full time and I'm her caregiver. She has mobility issues but also recently has been getting panic attacks if I leave the house. I feel like my home is not my home. If I want a day to just rest I can not. If I want to leave the house I have to ask permission. I'm not allowed to use the wax warmer with scents. It's a stupid thing but I love my warmer and I'm not allowed to use it. I also get stressed because sometimes it's like she waits to go number 2 when I'm eating dinner. If I don't wash her laundry first thing in the morning she lets me hear it. When I walk in my front door after work I get hit with a million things she is ready for me to do. Anytime I try to ask her or suggest I'm tired, I hear how she is more tired and get a guilt trip. So it's become easier for to just go to my room and cry then try to get her to change her attitude.
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Reply to stressed2017
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Stressed 2017. At 31. My mom was 54. How old is your mom. ? I'm right there with you living the same existence. But this happened to me a lot later
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Erinm60... I'm 31 she's 67. She is "all there" mentally. I had to move both of my parents in with my family in 2010, my dad was not doing very good (he had heart conditions and back problems) my mom was still moving around on canes. My dad passed away January of 2011. When that happened it's like my mom gave up. Like she stopped trying, insisted she wasn't suffering from depression. About a year ago I couldn't handle her panic attacks any more so one day we were at her Drs appointment and I mentioned it in front of the dr. He prescribed something to help with and the panic attacks. She refused to take the medicine for a long time still insisting that it was something else wrong with her that's making her feel "weird " I finally a couple months ago convinced her to take the medicine and what do you know, it's helps!!! But it's still like pulling teeth to get her to take it.
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Stressed2017, you Absolutely Must make some serious changes and Quickly! You are Not Your Mother's Slave, and she must be way too young to be So Completely Dependant upon You, who still have Children to raise, who need a Healthy Mommy to depend on!

There must be Some way that you can get your Mom into an Independent Living Arrangement, or else
You are going to have a Complete Breakdown, otherwise known as Caregivers Burnout, which causes All Sorts of Serious Health and Mental issues, which you Cannot afford to have with your kids still needing you as they naturally do!

Perhaps there is a Womens home, or Assisted living type place that she can go to, but you must do the research to find such a place. You are going to Crack up, and I am seriously concerned for you! You really Way to young to be doing this Caregivers gig!


Please, get some professional help! ADULT PROTECTIVE SERVICES (APS), is a good place to start! Good luck!
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You are so young . Just 10 years older than my daughter is now I'll be 66 in ten years. ( if I make it lol). Care giving apparently kills 40 percent of care givers. So I have read. How ever. What I can suggest to you is to emancipate yourself. You are so young. You have a family. You said your mom is all there mentally. Then I know how hard it is to have an honest discussion with a mother. , but maybe she needs a reality check. With my mom it's too late. She has dementia. How does your husband deal with this? I'm an only child. Do you have siblings who can help. ? All I can tell you is that my daughter has had her grandma in our home since she was born. Some major pluses. Always had a baby sitter Some enourmous negatives. No privacy for any body ever. My husband and I will never ever live with our daughter. This is what my mothers living with us has taught us. Want to add I'm seriously worried about my 21 year  old daughter.   She's in college, has an apartment,  but when she's home , she's not happy.  Add another round of guilt to me.  My mother sits in family room with Fox News on about 14 hours a day.  My daughter just wants to cook eggs in peace with out the noise.  Eventually you will get complaints from everyone in the house.  And if you are like me,   The realization that you aren't God or have a magic wand to fix all things for all people , weighs very hard on you
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It's providing ongoing sensible and careful advice and support to keep them safe and minimise their risk, enabling them to stay living independently in their home as long as possible and then seeing that advice neglected, in home support cancelled and outrageously irresponsible or neglectful desicions made time and time again by my parents, that put them one step closer to the dreaded nursing home every Time. And knowing that when they have got themselves to this impasse, and I have to coordinate their placement in care, they'll be telling me 'You're putting us in a home'. So unfair.
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Reply to NoSiblings
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Tiredonlychild, your answer so resonates with me. After my mother passed five years ago and I was left with my father, I came to the shocking realization that I had given her the bad rap and upheld him as the one who really looked out for me.

Dealing with only him has made me have a new appreciation for my mom, and to think she put up with him for 60 years makes her some kind of saint. I realize now why she acted the way she did - she simply was biding her time and praying for relief.

I, too, grabble with remorse and wonder if he will outlive the love. Upholding the mythological status of a parent is a thankless, soul-eating task.
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stressed2017 - I totally get the warmer -- it's almost like, I'm not allowed even THIS small comfort? Right now, I have six people in my house - and there is never EVER a time that I - the primary breadwinner - can be in that house alone. To rest. To run screaming through it. To light scented candles. Whatever. There are times between the kids, and the dysfunctional husband, and the ailing father, that I truly think I could get in the car and just keep driving west and not stop. I used to love my home, but it is falling further and further in disarray because there are so many people, I don't have time to deal with it, and of course, other things rightfully take priority. I am lucky enough to have a cleaning lady. I have told everyone that if it was a choice between the cleaning lady or them, she would win. Every Time. LOL. Don't feel bad about the wax warmer. I SO get it.
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only01 - we were separated at birth! By the way, a great movie (which was a book by the wonderful writer Anna Quindlen) on this subject is "One True Thing" - with Meryl Streep, Renée Zellweger and William Hurt. It takes on this exact scenario of the mother being grossly misinterpreted. I watch it whenever I feel sad or just need to know, in the weirdest of ways, that I'm not the first daughter to discover this. I think it's on Netflix. And now, I too walk around saying, "More is more." (You'll understand if you watch it.) Yours in the struggle, cybersister.
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