What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving?

Amen, we hear you, ycatsms.

Thank You JesseBelle! That means A LOT!!!

Thanks, SendHelp, for the Birthday Wishes! It's Tim McGraw!! He's the ONE thing that gives me stress relief! I go to his concerts in the summer, sometimes 3 times during the summer...even if I have to go by myself! But I LOVE it, and I always have a GREAT time...and as my ex-husband used to say, it's the one time I can just let my hair down and have a good time. I've been to 16 of his concerts! And I have a couple that I travel with in the Southeast who I met at a concert in Tupelo, and we just go together coz we just love him so much. But if they can't go, too. I go by myself! He's AMAZING LIVE!!

Ycatsms,
Happy 48 th Birthday Sugar! Go get your cake and eat it!🎂

I moved in with my parents 1 year ago (sold my condo). My mother has Alzheimer and my dad was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. At this point my dad is on hospice care at home. Needless to say, it is a challenge! Luckily, they scrimped and saved so they can pay for care in their 'older years'. We have care that comes in 9 hours a day while I'm at work, but before and and after work it's all up to me.
Even though my dad is less functional and is having some cognitive issues, at least he is still reasonable. Last night my mom took a very sharply pointed pair of scissors to bed with her, when I took them away from her, nicely telling her it was way too dangerous to have scissors in her bed, she got extremely upset with me and told me if I ever did that again she was going to "stab me to death with them". The day before she threatened to stab me with a knife because I had dirty laundry on the floor in front of the washing machine. I'm not at all worried about myself, but I do worry that she'll get mad at my dad and try something - and he won't be able to defend himself! But probably my biggest frustration is the fact that she thinks she does all the cooking, cleaning, etc. - and she doesn't do anything but get in the way, undo what I've just done and completely denies anything she's done wrong - like spilling a drink, flushing her 'Depends' down the toilet or even wetting her own pants because she took her 'Depends' off. Please laugh! When someone obviously wets their own self, and then says "I didn't do it, someone else must have" you have to laugh! (not at her of course) If I never hear "I didn't do that" again in my lifetime, it will be too soon!
Sorry for the rant - but I have a feeling most of you can totally relate!

ycatsms - I hear you loud and clear! My mother is VERY similar. They (whoever 'they' is), say that dementia makes people revert back to being like children, so I started using some of my child-rearing techniques on my mom. 1) Giving her choices instead of telling her what to do. Example: "Which pair of underwear do you want to put on" and give her a choice of two or three, then praise her for the choice. Hopefully she'll be so caught up in the choice that she won't think about the fact that she's taking off her 'Depends'. You could also try to use reverse-psychology on her and say things like "don't wash your hands, you don't want to have clean hands, ewe" and see if she washes them just to spite you.
Some of these things have worked for my mom - but everyone is different.

Also, tell your 'good-for-nothing brother' (I have one of those too) that he either needs to come spend time helping or she will be left alone, because you have things you must do - like go to the grocery store! But then go do something fun for your self!

Also - screaming into a pillow really does help!

This is so hard because my mom is now with me and the same things I heard her yell at my father that had dementia about she is now doing. The roughest thing for me is she is making demands and pretty much telling my husband and I we are taking things we bought for her in the first place, such as a cell phone and TV remote. The other thing would probably be that my brother is in such high regard with her....he spends pretty much no time with her and we are with her any hours we are not at work. Her time is very limited and I try to get past these things, but it can be hard. I spend a lot of time in prayer.

Wow--read through so many posts and feel lucky to have stumbled onto this forum. My husband and I have had my 97 year old mother living with us for 6 years. There has been 3 of us in this marriage for a very long time. She is mean , ungrateful, and nasty. What bothers me is that I long for the freedom my husband and I had before she came: traveling, going out to eat, theater, etc.

Nothing. I woudn't change anything. NADA. I am never tired/never thinkin' anything but how blessed i am for the years i am still having with both each healthy blessed HAPPY happy dia y' noche con mi familia y' mi padre y' madre.(i said night and day with my family, mommie and daddy.) So, nothing bother me at all, the enter over a year and months now i am here, enjoying each split second/each minute and we just actually took another in-town ride,today,soon going out of town to see more family and i can't wait. Love it.and i have ZERO bothersome moment, i love them so much and glad each day dad continue to get stronger/better for just about 1 year now.God is good.Life is good,thank you lord.and Amen.
Good night.
adios.
God bless us all.

Having to give up the career I so loved.

My mother was the same, maybe part of the disease, but you are the one that is responsible for taking care of you. You have to take breaks an do what makes you happy in that apmosphere. My mom, was always self centered so it was not suprising to me, but that does not dictate you not taking responsibility for your happiness. IF you can't do that get out....it will not be benificial to either of you! Thanks, rake care of you either way.💝

Now I know who Tim McGraw is, sings with his wife in their new album. Nice!

UPDATE...I saw on here that the alzheimer's organization had a 24-hour hotline and I was sooooo frustrated the other night (a few nights after that rant the other day) and I called it, and they said that where I thought we were in the beginning stages of dementia, we are actually in the MIDDLE, and that when I think she is being mean and vindictive, that may be, but it's not on purpose and she doesn't really have the mental capacity to be vindictive. So that opens up a whole new chasm...I mean, not only do I have to deal with the behaviors, but I have to because she doesn't know better, and there's nothing I can do to make her stop...can't punish her for being mean and vindictive!

She went in the hospital on Saturday with a GI bleed, and of course my no-good-brother was nowhere to be found. She's fine - apparently a diverticular bleed and it healed itself...but he didn't even call!! And now, he did call today and said he would be coming home tomorrow, and now - after I have been dealing with this all week - working and going to the hospital, etc. And now that he called, she is over the moon! I just cannot deal with it!! I read another article that was on here yesterday - I'm spending A LOT of time on here these days...and it was talking about the struggles between siblings when taking caretaking...it spelled us out to a tee. My therapist says I should just let it go, but it is sooooo hard when I do EVERYTHING 24/7/365, and he does NOTHING, and when he calls - it's as if the WORLD STOPPED TURNING!! And God forbid him to show up ONCE IN A YEAR!!! Folks in Hell will be SHOCKED tomorrow - I tell you - because it's going to start SNOWING THERE...And she's going to be SOOOOO EXCITED TO SEE HIM, and it's as if I'm not even here! And don't even get me started on my Dad!!! He was making excuses for him saying that he works, and that's why he can't call or come home!! Are you F-ING KIDDING ME??? I work 2 JOBS, and I TAKE CARE OF HER!! They have always made excuses for him and that's why he is the way that he is...but if he does, by some MIRACLE IN HEAVEN show up tomorrow, I will have to BITE MY TONGUE and be nice while he is here - or maybe I will go somewhere and get a hotel room while he is here just so I don't have to be here and he can have some responsibility for ONCE!! I think that's a GREAT IDEA!!! FABULOUS!!! Just to get out of the house for ONE NIGHT is a BLESSING!! So that's it...IF HE COMES, and as I said, just bc he said he's coming doesn't mean he will show up - there will be PIGS FLYING SOMEWHERE, so you might want to get your cameras out and watch the sky - I'm OUTTA HERE!!!

BTW...thanks for listening...and if you have an elder that you don't understand, PLEASE CALL THE Alzheimer's HOTLINE 877-506-9026 - it was a GREAT resource for me the other night just to help me understand some of her behaviors...they are sending me some literature on the disease so I can read up on it, but just to be able to talk to someone who knows what you are going through and have them listen...it was SOOOOO helpful. But then again, I've been in therapy for 30 years (since my Mom got sick with cancer and we lost her) so I'm used to talking things out with others....

Ycatsms,
You are not alone! A little different situations but a lot of similarities to understand your frustrations. Vent away. Glad the hotline helped. Mom is nice, but very passive aggressive. Never listens to me and remembers what is important to her and forgets everything else. I miss my freedom, my career, my marriage and myself not being stressed, and watching my life pass me by. I feel guilty wondering how much more of my life will be spent trapped like a rat because neither of my siblings are involved. I feel selfish but I never imagined life being put "on hold" indefinitely caring for my Mom who is slowly but surely losing her mind.

What bothered me the most was that there was never enough of me and I never stopped and never got done and all I Wanted to do is just be with Mom..

Just a few hours before Mother died,all that mattered to her was that the Christmas presents were wrapped and Christmas morning would be all ready to go ...I wrapped all night until the family came in Christmas morning.I never went to bed and All I wanted to do was hold Mother but there wasn't enough of me.

luckylu (((((((hugs)))))

That it’s all up to me. I have two siblings who have never once offered to help. They both live within 150 miles and they haven’t even visted in three years. One brother calls my mom at least 3 times every single day and thinks he has a handle on her issues and attempts to give me advice. I was working full-time for 5 years and taking care of mom’s needs and taking care of her 1 acre property all by myself. Only occassionally could we afford to hire someone to do the yard work. And this was all before mom’s physical and mental decline. It has really gone downhill in the past year and so the demands on my time, energy and patience are at an all-time high.


Now, instead of 2 - 3 times a week that I visit mom (she lives alone), there seems to be something almost every day that needs my immediate attention. I can’t even have an evening out with my husband in peace (at 66 I’m a newlywed of 6 months). I ignore the calls from my brother, but I have to answer all calls from mom because at 84, I’m all she’s got and it could turn out the be a real emergency.

Oh AND mom refuses to let me bring in any outside help!!!

Princessblue,
So sorry but I can empathize. I live with Mom and husband, Mom has her own place 10 steps away which is the only thing allowing me to keep my sanity, seperate spaces but she cannot be trusted to be on her own anymore. I too have 2 siblings (brothers) one is a worthless leaching nutjob and the other lives in his own universe, always has. Both live within a half an hour away. The nutjob I ousted because he only came over only to extort money from Mom, the other has shown up a few times over the years on holidays to drop off a cheap little gift to alleviate his guilt. At no point had either of them ever asked her or myself if there was anything THEY could do to help out. Not surprising.
I was the expendable one. The one to give up my career, my life and freedom. Since I have only been married coming up on 4 years, we never got a honeymoon, we got my Mom. She too always needs something. That is why we live with her. She cannot drive, she has dementia, cannot handle her finances or anything that requires real thought. It's all me. Yes, I struggle with patience, I struggle with my own health issues and am the constant caregiver and the cook, the laundress, the gardener, the chauffeur, the accountant, the fixer of broken things, the housekeeper, the shopper and I care for her lymphedema in her leg from a prior cancer surgery, etc.
My husband is the breadwinner. Without him, none of this would be possible and she would have been broke by now paying for all this care. She was not smart with her money.
She has refused anyone else in her life, I have offered to take her to senior centers to spend time making new friends, Nope. Offered a group specifically for people with dementia, Nope. Friends have reached out and she asks me to make excuses for her why she does not wish to see them anymore. I am the only one she wants to care for her. She is too embarassed to be in anyone's company because she knows her brain is going and she is very self conscious about this.
Keep ignoring your absentee "know it all" brother unless he wants to care for her while you and your newly betrothed go on a well deserved vacation. Let him live it or he can keep his opinions to himself.
I feel your frustration all too well. At some point, it will not be safe for her to live alone, do you have a plan? Hopefully, you have her legal affairs in order. That is critical.

I hate that I have to be the adult, the parent to my mother - and I hate that I have to do it AGAIN. I already did this. My mother was an alcoholic until I was 17. I left home at 18. We haven't lived together since, until now. I had 30 amazing years of freedom from taking care of her. And the worst part is - part of her dementia personality is exactly like her drinking personality. I get triggered all over the place. And then she will do dangerous things (like light paper on fire), except I'm not a kid who will put up with my mother risking my safety anymore. Or she'll try to get out of going for necessary medical treatment and I can't just drag her like a screaming toddler (I called the ambulance one time to take her and she's only fought me once on it since). She'll say she's not hungry when I've made a nice meal and then eat crackers out of her purse 2 minutes later. The dangerous stuff....we end up having these huge battles in which she plays the snotty teenager who hates her "mother" for trying to control her. There is a gouge on the dining table, from where I slammed my heavy ring of keys down in frustration during one epic fight over the smoking/safety issue. I never had children because I was too burnt out from parenting my mother the first time. Now here I am. All the advice books just say you have to be patient and kind, and just sort of suck it up and do it all. But I'm not feeling it. I can put on a reasonable show of basic caregiving, and sometimes I can give her affection. But I feel like I'm faking it most of the time. Sometimes I snap at her. Sometimes I don't even want to talk to her, because she's already driven me to the brink and I know I'll snap - then she stares at me and gets up in my face trying to make flip conversation and asking me what's wrong (when I most want to be left alone). I know it's not like the drinking days; I know intellectually this behaviour isn't her fault. But I resent her all the same for putting me through this again. The social worker, the home support workers, the nurses....they all tell me I'm doing a great job, but they don't see the "me" I see when mom and I are alone together. This "me" is angry, resentful, kind of cold and often silent. This "me" is the one who listens to heavy metal and hides out in my room, dreaming of a future where I am finally free.

Dorianne,
I "see you" meaning I can understand much of what you are saying, your inner thoughts, feeling invisable, people telling you how great you are doing with Mom but they have no idea. The longing to be free again. I did not have children either because my family was so dysfunctional that there was just no way I wanted to roll those dice. Since I am the only daughter, Mom chose me to be her caregiver. She was never an alcoholic, more an absentee Mom who had to work to support 4 kids on her own. My Dad was the alcoholic and left her when I was only 2. She had to go back to work so I never really developed a deep bond with her. There was actually a time we could not stand one another when I was the rebellious teenager demonstrating my angst and frustration from the abuse that happened to me while she was away at work from one of my siblings. Lots of old anger and resentment comes out when they act like the child who ignores and fights you when you are just trying to do the "right thing" and trying to smile while gritting your teeth.

@Rainey69 - OMG yes, the frustration of trying to do the "right thing" and having mom sabotage it like a child....yes, yes, yes. Except unlike a child you can't just send them to their room to have a think about what they've done! Plus they can't learn from their mistakes like children. That's partly where my frustration comes in. It's like....I dunno, it's like you have to be this authoritarian but with no actual "parent power" to enforce the rules.

I also feel this disconnect between what people say about me, and what I know are the thoughts in my head. After another horrible week, I was sitting with the nurse who assesses what we need for home health care - and for the first time I've ever seen - Dad fell asleep in front of us - literally less than two feet - and then stopped breathing. We looked at him and both of us thought the same thing - she jumped up and rubbed his chest and I yelled, Dad! DAD! - and he awoke and said, you two are crazy, I wasn't sleeping - let alone not breathing. But here's the thing. When I realized he wasn't breathing - for one split second, I thought, Dear God, let it be over - before jumping into action. So I do the right thing, over and over and over again, day after day after day. But my thoughts.....Today, I had a mini breakthrough - I thought I need to stop living my life like it's on hold until Dad is "resolved" - either by getting better (unlikely), nursing home, or he passes. I need to accept that THIS is my life. My life is NOT on hold. This is it. Live it well. Live it with love. Because none of us have any idea how long we could put it on "hold" and then die ourselves. In some way, I hope this helps me get a handle on the stress. I hope it's not just a really nice thought that gets shoved to the side when I'm changing disposable underwear. But I am going to CONSCIOUSLY start living my life in a way that I'm going to grab every single moment of joy wherever I can - because there's no guarantee there will be a time when I am "free" again.

Tired, yes, yes and yes! I am tired of living for my parent. Life is too short; my life matters.

As caregivers, we put others first. This is simply wrong. Our lives matter just as much.

Here’s to grabbing joy!

Cheers!! We are not immortal. We aren’t getting these years back. For me, it’s trying really hard not to feel trapped. I guess most of us do. I get zero support from her siblings , but a lot of advice of what I could do better. That’s really getting on my nerves.  Come visit her ,  call maybe more than 3 times a year.  

When your trapped, there is little joy to grab.

My Aunt pretends like she doesn't know anyone's NAME BUT mine!!!!! And mom acts like I am the only one  who can do anything! There it is I said it ! 

My Aunt pretends like she doesn't know anyone's NAME BUT mine!!!!! And mom acts like I am the only one who can do anything!There is said it !

Dorianne: "All the advice books just say you have to be patient and kind, and just sort of suck it up and do it all."

That's what a lot of society expects, isn't it? What would happen if the caregivers just rebelled against this? I consider a lot of what some people do in the name of taking care of their elders to be slavery.

I like to say that the prevailing attitude is, "Put up, shut up and offer it up."

@only001 - I soooo get it - OUR LIVES DO MATTER, but not to them...and that just SUCKS!!! And not to any of the dozen relatives out there who just seem to forget that I have a life, too, and they make these big appearances when it's her birthday, but are not heard of again until the next one. Or she went into the hospital for a week and they got mad that I didn't get the word out to everyone!! Well, if you were more involved in her life, then maybe you would have come to mind when I was thinking who to call?? And maybe if you didn't block my messages on FB and cell phone bc you don't like me coz you don't like the way I'm taking care of her, but you do NOTHING TO HELP ME, then MAYBE you would know something when there is something to know!! I've been trying to get a respite vacay for 2 months now, but cannot because I can't get anyone to help me take her for a few days of it. So I have to add $100 a day to whatever is my daily rate for her daily expenses, and on disability, that's just not feasible. So, I'm just continuing to burn out, and it's just getting to the point of being worse than BURNT TOAST. I don't really care anymore...I'm just going through the motions...and no one cares to help me, and I don't have a life, and I know it doesn't matter to anyone else because my life doesn't matter. But Joel Osteen, at the end of one of his sermons one day, as I was walking through the kitchen, on a weird fluke, I heard him SPEAK TO ME...he said that the life I have been dreaming of and praying for, it's coming. And the job I've been dreaming of and praying for, it's coming. And the relationship that I've been dreaming of and praying for, it's coming. God's got it all worked out and all I have to do is wait it out, and walk into it. And I am GRABBING that message WITH BOTH HANDS and ALL OF MY HEART, and HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE. She's 98 and on her way out...she's in pretty good health still, but when she was in the hospital, the doc said not to be surprised if I find her not waking up one day. I don't know how I'm going to handle that, but I know it will be in HIS timing, and when HE decides it's right to take her, she'll be at peace, and then I get to start my life over, and he's going to reward me for what I've been through in the last 5 years. So, I try and remember that when I get so frustrated...