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Two things: lack of freedom and no end in sight. I've been doing this for six months now, and when I leave my full time job, I come home to job #2. Work is less stressful than home right now, which is sad but unfortunately true. I try to find time by myself, but it is hard, even for just a few minutes. I know it could be worse, and probably will be next month when my dad is having hip surgery. It will be a "twofer" of shuffling, whining and complaining parents instead of one. Rant over for now, thanks for listening. :))
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Karenluna, boy I feel for you. But I’ll give you some advice, send your father to a good rehab facility! My hubby won’t go. He had 2 back to back total hip replacements. I no sooner got my routine down and boom he had the other one done. I’ve been in run mode for almost 1 1/2 years. And I work full time, and no help at all taking care of him. So get prepared to pre clean his house, get rid of all tripping hazards. Stock him up on food , bring in home help to bath him, help with PT. Mine wouldn’t let anyone into the house. It was hell. I’m still doing everything but now at my pace. I tell him I’ll get to the grass, don’t worry about the garbage. Now I stick up for myself and don’t let him dictate his needs before mine. It will take about 3 months before he even going to feel good. And they lash out when there in pain, don’t take it personal. I did, don’t let them control everything. Stand your ground. It took me a long time and his second hip replacement to stand my ground! Good luck Yuki
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Reply to Yuki500
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Thanks Yuki!! It sounds like your hubby and my dad share the same DNA. Control freak?? Lashing out for no reason?? Check and check. I am so NOT looking forward to dealing with him when he is in serious pain. His misery will be spread far and wide, no doubt. Thanks for the advice and for letting me know I'm not suffering alone.
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Right now? The selfishness. 79 year old mom accused me lately of being unreasonable b/c I'm thinking about who's going to provide her care once she's really infirm and can't drive. This same woman told me not long ago she didn't regret at all having not saved any money b/c she did what she wanted. (While ignoring me and my half sib I might add...  It wasn't to the point she was off smoking crack or disappearing for weeks on end, but I spent a lot of time alone as a kid. It wasn't much fun.) Now I'm supposed to move heaven and earth and blow off my own life for her care? Um, no.
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sidelined Aug 2018
Right-O!
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Now you do what you want; that's fair.  Don't mean to be hard, but I smell a guilt trip coming...
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There is not just one thing! And, I get really bothered.
Had to teach my hubs in a gentle way that he should be saying thank you.
His response is to overdo and make it an insincere rote thanks.


When we were married, 17 years ago, I am sure some guy took him aside, gave him marital advice, which was: "Start your day out thanking her and complimenting her.
For example, say: "Um, good eggs."
He does that and only that each time we have eggs, which is a lot.
Not sure to appreciate his rote efforts; stop making eggs altogether and give up getting any thanks at all, or scream: "You can't vary that a little?".
I know that I sound ungrateful, but 5-6 times a week, 52 weeks in a year, for 17 + years, it is getting old.  I have tried, really I have tried.  I sometimes burn the eggs on purpose, but it makes no difference.
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The hard part of Care giving is being manipulated by my mother. Every errand I take her on has to be in her time frame, never ask if I have time or if it is good for me. Will only buy groceries to last 2 days so I end up taking to grocery shop 2 to 3 days a week. Also have to take her to buy toiletries and she never gets what she wants in one trip. Never ending errands for her.
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Bamagirl 88 you must set down boundaries!!! Your mother knows exactly what’s she doing to you. You didn’t say if she has mental problems i’m assuming she doesn’t , so you sit her down make a list, and say we’re only going shopping 1 day a week, be honest with her, but say mom I do have my own life, so I’ll give you that one day to get stuff, I’m not going to let you run me ragged , let’s get done today what we can, all the rest can wait, and will wait. I’m hear now, I won’t be back until next week. And if she doesn’t like it, she can call someone else or hire help, or have another family member step in. Problem solved. Take charge! And make her understand if you can, you won’t be treated badly! Yuki
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Reply to Yuki500
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So true. It is a selfless endeavor. My mother is so mean and directs it at me and my husband. I always had nothing but respect for her. Now I see how disrespectful she can be towards me and my family. It is embarrassing. We don’t even want to go near her house.
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Sendhelp I’ve been where your at. I’m in 40 yrs, and hubby had 2 back to back total hip replacements, boy I know. Men are wired different then women. That’s it. Mine never said thanks for helping never once. The cooking, cleaning, bathing, feeding, then doing all the outside stuff, please, and my DH is OCD, and has Etchberger‘s disease , I could write a book. But you sometimes gotta go take time for you. You can’t make someone something there not. I laugh all the time when where eating I say oh this is my best recipe yet, and I get a look from him and he’ll say don’t hurt yourself patting yourself on the back, I always say someone has to. You have to look at why your mad. Take a break be it, taking a bubble bath, going out with girlfriends, watching your not his favorite show on TV, step back and take a break. If you can hire, or bring someone in to do housework, cooking do it. Also find a support group. Go find you. {{{}}} hugs to you. Yuki
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Reply to Yuki500
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It’s scary to see someone declining in the final stages of life. So sad it can drag you down no matter how hard you try to be for your loved ones.
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Spiritdancer, sometimes it’s ok to be mad. If she doesn’t respect you and your household that’s when ok boundaries mom , this is my family and I will protect them. If you can’t be nice, we won’t come over and visit or help. Yes there declining , but if they know how there acting it doesn’t give the right to be cruel to you and the family! I had to do it with my mother. It hurts but it life. If your mother knows what she doing, sit her down in front of the family set boundaries , put it on her. Any bad behavior or decision she makes will fall on her . Your family comes first! Yuki.
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Reply to Yuki500
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Agree full heartedly with Yuki that is delima that my husband and I were faced with due my narcissistic family. So sad..
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Oh, SpiritDancer, I hear you! Thanks to this forum I looked up narcissism. Holy moly, there were the two photos of Sisters on there! They love their outrage. I'm learning how to deal with them. There's a lot of info on this on the Internet. I urge you to learn about if you haven't yet. It's eye-opening. I agree with others, set your boundaries, and stay logical in the face of strong unwarranted emotions. {hug}
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The absolute isolation that comes with the territory. The lonely nights filled with unanswerable questions. The lack of hope. But most of all it is the inability of one of our siblings to call and say simply "How are you doing"?

It is indeed the road less traveled. To all who tread this road, please try to sleep well and know beyond all understanding that you are doing the right thing. This is a most crooked and perverse world. When one sacrifices their own life for the benefit of a family member, they slowly, day by day climb a mountain. It is from the summit that you will see just how selfish and uncaring this world really is.

God bless you for doing your best.
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Reply to strokeadope
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Does anyone have to live with a husband who never answers anything you say except with a negative response? HEELLPP!!! I am about to go crazy!!
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Reply to corinna
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Corinna,
Perhaps your husband is not hearing you? He could be misinterpreting your words.
There are techniques to learn to be better understood and heard.
Get in front of him, Face him, speak kindly, get close so you don't raise your voice and he concludes you are shouting, displeased, or angry.
Use friendly body language, touch his arm so you have his attention. Smile, if you can.

Don't do what I do, go into my room and get depressed, or just yell at him....giving in to going crazy.


Yuki,
Thanks.  I am going to try patting myself on the back.  It might work!
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Sendhelp, don’t get frustrated , get in to your own head and release. Just step back, breath, I know it’s hard, but men are wire completely different then we are. If you can understand that, life will be different. My DH is wired that way. I’ve accepted that. I will never get help from him, even after taking care of him for almost 2 years. It’s not going to happen. I could be lying on the floor for 3 days and all he’s say are you going to work & what’s for breakfast? It is what it is. I’ve accepted it. I’m know I’m on my own. And I’m stronger for it. I can do it all. I’ve proved that to myself. It hard but it’s life. Don’t get me wrong, but women are second place. We always will be. Be strong and find that inter strength . Your life depends on it. Be strong! Yuki
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Corinna I live with that everyday. But don’t look at the negative , look at your inter strength . I’m a 60 yr old women. I grew up with negative . I married negative . You pat yourself on the back. You are great. That’s it. Like I said men are wired differently then women, your never , ever going to get the big thank you from them, so you thank you! And know your doing your best. I pat myself on the back every day. He’ll never thank  me . that’s what I  went though , with his total hip replacements, If it where me I’d dead . Depending on my DH , oh please. I’ve had 4 surgery’s he never even picked me up from hospital. And when I got home  All  I got is what’s for lunch. Please. Men are selfish! Please. Get it into your head now, your ok not perfect, and your doing your best! That it. Hug yourself. Love yourself. Yuki
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Reply to Yuki500
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Yuki, I get that; my husband is sweet, but 4 yrs ago he took a job that requires him to be gone 4-5 days AND nights a week. Had to learn to do most of horse, cat, dog, house, care, my pt job, and oversee mom in whatever weather myself. The Lord helps me, and we do it. Not even scary anymore.... but not fair, either. I didn't sign up for this, and work hard at not being resentful; just making my own life as best I can. I go out to lunch with friends, go to prayer meeting group, shop, long phone calls - whatever I want; it's not so bad, and it's honeymoon when he does come home. After 25 yrs, I guess that's good; it wasn't my plan, but I'm sure stronger now.
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Agategirl57
This is my first post so please bare with me if it is lengthy. 4 years ago my mom came to live with me after my stepfather passed away. They were married 42 years but he left her nothing when he died, left it all to his son. I know she has to be extremely hurt and angry over this but she will never say a bad word about her deceased husband and would like to believe it was all the stepsons' doing. Anyway, she had no money to support herself so I gladly changed my house around, put in a nice bedroom and all the things she wanted to take from her home. I've tried everything I can think of to make her feel safe, secure and well taken care of. I cook most of our meals, take care of all the bills, (both hers and mine) try to find entertaining things for her to do while I'm at work, bring her to town for her appointments. The problem I have is her very negative outlook on life and her habit of ridiculing almost everything I do. I am the youngest of my siblings however they and mom think that since I have always been the most dependable my entire life, (only one that has had a career for the past 25 years) that it is my responsibility to take care of mom. I have a sister that lives across the U.S. who is wrapped up in her own life and is always, "Financially" un-able to come out to help me, I have a brother who lives 4 hours away but has not been to my home to see his mother in 3 years. Always, "too busy." Neither work full time jobs, only me. The thing that hurts the most is Mom always talks so glowingly about my brother and sister, how good they are, their part time jobs etc... never about the fact that they cannot seem to find it in their hearts to take the time to come see her or help me out and give me a break. All I hear is the ridicule from her about either my house, my appearance, my job (I am a Police Sergeant) or the things I cook for us. Mom is now 80 yoa. Her health is steadily declining but her mind is still pretty darn good so I cannot contribute her negative attitude towards me to dementia. At times its' just plain meanness on her part. I was looking forward to my retirement in a couple of months, but now I see nothing but more time at home and being around the dark cloud that perpetually looms overhead. I'd love to travel, however I cannot leave mom home alone for extended periods of time and there is no money for In Home help. I live far out in the country so we are kind of secluded from others. I love my Mom and I know some day when she is gone I will be very thankful that I was able to spend these years with her. Not too many daughters get that chance. Its' just right now I am feeling hurt, angry and very under-appreciated. I'm at a loss as to what to do.
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sidelined Aug 2018
Hi Sergeant201 - so sorry to hear this, but I declare I am amazed at: 1) how many negative/mean elderly are out there 2) how many seem to not know how  the "golden" children, really are?  I don't know if they are wishful thinking or what, but either way, it does not sit well for those who are doing the actual heavy lifting. 
I can't tell you what to do, but I don't think I would be fulfilled caring for someone who does not treat me kindly for doing so.  You are very fortunate to be in a position to see retirement on the horizon....  I would do everything in my power to grasp it and get out there and enjoy it.  You only have one life yourself...
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To believe mother is always right. Good bye to dysfunctionallity. End the cycle. End the abuse. Save yourself.
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I have been her caregiver for about six years. Our house is filled to the brim with gifts I have given her to try to have a day without insults. Finally my sister and my checkbook said this is ridiculous. Turns out you cannot buy kindness.
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Reply to keepingup
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My advice to Corinna was because her husband has hearing impairment.
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Reply to Sendhelp
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Because my husband has an issue with short term memory, speaking (finding words), he gets so frustrated. Then meanwhile I am trying my best to do all there is to be done, and it makes me feel like he is pushing me beyond my limits, when I am doing it all . He asks questions about everything I am doing, he can't hear well, I end up shouting. (about things he doesn't need to know anyway)! I know he didn't choose to have this darn stroke, but it has changed our life SO much, I can't tell you. I think he does have some kind of dementia also, hasn't been diagnosed. I am all on my own, with him looking on wanting to help, but he makes it worse, I want to scream. Like you, I feel bad for him really, but then I feel bad for me too! Where is my life?
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Reply to nursemaid
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Some men are ingrates. Not all. Some women are lucky to find a loving and considerate partner. My neighbor took care of her husband who had cancer and it seems he really wore her down the last days of his life. Despite her responsibilities she looked healthy. Now, six months later after his passing, I could not believe the way she looks. Like a cadaver, bony face and thin. I think this could be one reason some partners pass soon after the other passes. My sister took care of my dad, neglected herself and few months later she is now in need of a kidney. Her life is over. We need to take care of ourselves. No one will make sure we are spending our last days on earth enjoying life. No one.
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Reply to Celmira9
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Dear nursemaid,

I am sorry to hear how you feel. I know being a caregiver full time to a recovering stroke patient is an uphill battle. I hope you can get some respite care in place. It is hard. We feel like we have lost our life, but I hope you can find a better balance.

Dear Celmira,

I'm sorry to hear about your sister. I hear you. I feel that deeply. After caring for my dad, I often feel like no one cares about me. I do the best I can and I've always been independent but it is hard. Us women in particular have to look out for ourselves because if we don't, we are no good to our family and friends.

Thinking of you all.
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Reply to cdnreader
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First, let me say that I am an emotional person. I do get upset when I feel Mom is taking a turn for the worse. But, my sister cries in front of Mom when Mom can't say the right words. At the same time, my older brother (who lives with Mom -- he is 71), cries about everything. She could have a bad moment, and he is crying (in front of Mom). I am providing most of the care. I am the one who calls the hospice nurse when needed. I am the one who set up and tries to coordinate the evening care. I tell my brother what he needs to do, but he never remembers. I am trying to do all I can for Mom and be the rock. I have also shed some tears, but sometimes I just want to tell my sister and brother to save the tears for when you really need them.... Who am I to say when they should cry or not??
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Reply to Mapotter
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Dear mapotter, I can read in your post your the strong one. First of all when siblings are involved it’s always difficult. I went though the same thing. Everyone take a parent, or caregivers for granted. Your never thanked or told your the strong one. Been there. But there a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank what they can do, and don’t take it personal! Everyone is different. I had to be the rock when my family fell apart. Second forgiveness, there not you, and your not them. Everyone handles these family thing differently. Just be you, let it be. And enjoy the last days. Do what you can, don’t worry about what you can’t! And take time out for you, don’t forget about you. Yuki
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Everyone keeps forgetting the toll it takes on the caregiver. It drains you, there are no thank you’s, hell  i was told it was my job. That’s when I took time out for me. I’m one person doing it all. And now it’s about me time. I take time out for me. And I get things done when I can get to them. Remember your one person! Stop and take time out for you. It’s not selfish, it survival! Yuki
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