
I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
Had to teach my hubs in a gentle way that he should be saying thank you.
His response is to overdo and make it an insincere rote thanks.
When we were married, 17 years ago, I am sure some guy took him aside, gave him marital advice, which was: "Start your day out thanking her and complimenting her.
For example, say: "Um, good eggs."
He does that and only that each time we have eggs, which is a lot.
Not sure to appreciate his rote efforts; stop making eggs altogether and give up getting any thanks at all, or scream: "You can't vary that a little?".
I know that I sound ungrateful, but 5-6 times a week, 52 weeks in a year, for 17 + years, it is getting old. I have tried, really I have tried. I sometimes burn the eggs on purpose, but it makes no difference.
It is indeed the road less traveled. To all who tread this road, please try to sleep well and know beyond all understanding that you are doing the right thing. This is a most crooked and perverse world. When one sacrifices their own life for the benefit of a family member, they slowly, day by day climb a mountain. It is from the summit that you will see just how selfish and uncaring this world really is.
God bless you for doing your best.
Perhaps your husband is not hearing you? He could be misinterpreting your words.
There are techniques to learn to be better understood and heard.
Get in front of him, Face him, speak kindly, get close so you don't raise your voice and he concludes you are shouting, displeased, or angry.
Use friendly body language, touch his arm so you have his attention. Smile, if you can.
Don't do what I do, go into my room and get depressed, or just yell at him....giving in to going crazy.
Yuki,
Thanks. I am going to try patting myself on the back. It might work!
This is my first post so please bare with me if it is lengthy. 4 years ago my mom came to live with me after my stepfather passed away. They were married 42 years but he left her nothing when he died, left it all to his son. I know she has to be extremely hurt and angry over this but she will never say a bad word about her deceased husband and would like to believe it was all the stepsons' doing. Anyway, she had no money to support herself so I gladly changed my house around, put in a nice bedroom and all the things she wanted to take from her home. I've tried everything I can think of to make her feel safe, secure and well taken care of. I cook most of our meals, take care of all the bills, (both hers and mine) try to find entertaining things for her to do while I'm at work, bring her to town for her appointments. The problem I have is her very negative outlook on life and her habit of ridiculing almost everything I do. I am the youngest of my siblings however they and mom think that since I have always been the most dependable my entire life, (only one that has had a career for the past 25 years) that it is my responsibility to take care of mom. I have a sister that lives across the U.S. who is wrapped up in her own life and is always, "Financially" un-able to come out to help me, I have a brother who lives 4 hours away but has not been to my home to see his mother in 3 years. Always, "too busy." Neither work full time jobs, only me. The thing that hurts the most is Mom always talks so glowingly about my brother and sister, how good they are, their part time jobs etc... never about the fact that they cannot seem to find it in their hearts to take the time to come see her or help me out and give me a break. All I hear is the ridicule from her about either my house, my appearance, my job (I am a Police Sergeant) or the things I cook for us. Mom is now 80 yoa. Her health is steadily declining but her mind is still pretty darn good so I cannot contribute her negative attitude towards me to dementia. At times its' just plain meanness on her part. I was looking forward to my retirement in a couple of months, but now I see nothing but more time at home and being around the dark cloud that perpetually looms overhead. I'd love to travel, however I cannot leave mom home alone for extended periods of time and there is no money for In Home help. I live far out in the country so we are kind of secluded from others. I love my Mom and I know some day when she is gone I will be very thankful that I was able to spend these years with her. Not too many daughters get that chance. Its' just right now I am feeling hurt, angry and very under-appreciated. I'm at a loss as to what to do.
I can't tell you what to do, but I don't think I would be fulfilled caring for someone who does not treat me kindly for doing so. You are very fortunate to be in a position to see retirement on the horizon.... I would do everything in my power to grasp it and get out there and enjoy it. You only have one life yourself...
I am sorry to hear how you feel. I know being a caregiver full time to a recovering stroke patient is an uphill battle. I hope you can get some respite care in place. It is hard. We feel like we have lost our life, but I hope you can find a better balance.
Dear Celmira,
I'm sorry to hear about your sister. I hear you. I feel that deeply. After caring for my dad, I often feel like no one cares about me. I do the best I can and I've always been independent but it is hard. Us women in particular have to look out for ourselves because if we don't, we are no good to our family and friends.
Thinking of you all.