Follow
Share
Read More
To Nikki99, thanks for the smile about the tune - "Freedom is another word for nothing left to lose". Janis Joplin's "Me and Bobby McGee". I'm sure it is on YouTube if you need to listen so sing away!
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to JLyn69
Report

Realizing your whole life is narrowed to the solitary pursuit of getting a demented geriatric through the day. One pointless day after another...feeling your life draining away. Also, the appalling realization that one's life has been hijacked because of Big Pharma. For the sake of billions of dollars in profits, we keep old people alive. And for what? They bankrupt the next generation, destroy the medical system, take up space in doctor's offices and hospitals, require endless attention that requires giant bloated bureaucracies and overpaid union employees; they potentially ruin the last third of their kids' lives, robbing them of time that belongs to their own children, spouses, friends, etc. Add to this the environmental impact of diapers, tubes, plastic pill bottles, elder-related paraphernalia, med-saturated urine going down a million toilets... Past a certain point life is pointless; it has no meaning. Caregiving is about getting a demented shell of a human through the day; minute by minute, hour by hour. It's like being buried alive. We need to adopt the policies of Holland - let them go. Thin the herd. I love my Dad but his life is wretched; he had a good life. It's my turn now.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Vancouver5
Report
sidelined Aug 2018
Well said - I hope there is a "magic pill" when/if it becomes my time.
(0)
Report
Thank you for exposing the elephant sitting smack in the middle of the room! I have discussed these exact issues with friends. The situation for many of us is a moibious strip of insanity with no way out!!! My mom is a vague, confused little old lady who has outlived two husbands, doesn't know who I am, thinks my husband is her boyfriend and cannot provide even basic care for herself. Yet she is being medicated for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, low thyroid, osteoporosis, arthritis and dementia. WHY???? Because she is alive, she therefore must be kept alive! Even though she is existing rather than living. We need a reasonable, humane paradigm shift in elder care before there is no one left to care for the elderly. Three years ago my husband was diagnosed with CTE, vascular dementia, ministrokes, left temporal lobe focal seizures, central sleep apnea and idiopathic bradycardia. It took 17 years to get anyone to listen to me that something was wrong and run some tests! He is only 63 years old. He fades a bit every day. My heart is totally broken for him, me, our children and grandchildren. I dread the future for all of us!
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Longears
Report

The lack of gratitude.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Sunset3339
Report

I don’t feel like I know who this person is or who this person will be tomorrow. I feel like i am caring for a stranger and I never know what is coming tomrrow. On good days she is good and Dad is calm. On bad days she is confused, lost and aggravated and Dad is sad and angry. So difficult to manage all the emotions and needs and to stay objective and calm. Feeling suffocated where I can’t just be me anymore. I have to be what everyone else needs.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to sortes
Report

Nikki 99
Janis Joplin - Me & Bobby McGee
My favorite version. Yes sometimes I miss my freedom but compared to some people my Mom is easy. However it is getting to be more and more. Thankfully I am a believer and God will give me strength to face each day. I think if I look at the big pic all at once I freak out but gotta look at it bit by bit.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Choupette
Report

I'm going to vent here, not so much about what I hate about caregiving, but about the rehab hospital that sent Mom home with antibiotics and a wretched cough, leaving her family with ZERO information about her infection.. I put on a mask, even though the whole family is now sick.. Mom took offense at the mask, saying 'Im not catching, you know.'. Maybe not now, Mom. You already gave it to us. Thanks so much, Hospital; I can't get in to see my doctor until next week.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to anonymous522911
Report

your so right its always about them????!!!!
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to ryno1967
Report

Anjolie, the ER did that with my bedridden mom who got diagnosed with bronchitis. I think the medical community has taken the HIPPA law too far. Bedridden mom was vegetable-state, couldn't move a finger or even talk at all. She just stared into space. They asked me questions then had me sit in the waiting room. When it was time to release her, they didn't even tell me anything. Just gave me her prescription and told me to give it to her. I looked at the dismissed form and saw that she was diagnosed with bronchitis. I couldn't even ask the attending nurse if it was contagious bronchitis. I was so pissed off. I had to go home and google it.

Ryno1967, my dad was like that. It was all about him and no one else. He didn't care if I was sick. I had to take care of him. I finally told him several times that I have high cholesterol and a high risk of heart attack. He didn't care. Then I said slowly that if I have a heart attack and become hospitalized or bedridden like him, Who Is Going To Take Care of Him???? I looked him in the eyes and said that we all know that my oldest bro-of-next-door will take over dad's care. We all know what my brother will do if he's in charge. I looked Dad in the eyes and reminded him that bro will put him in the nursing home, bro and his family will move into Dad's house/land and he will rent out his own home - more money, you know... Eventually, my dad realized how important I was in his life. After that, if I had a headache, etc.. he would tell me to go rest and he can wait... So, that's my two-cents worth on that subject.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to bookluvr
Report

Everyone must remember, that your no good at helping them if your not well. Your health and mental state must come first. Even if it mean hiring out help. You must not let your self go. Do what you need to do, but take care of you first, it’s not selfish, it’s survival ! Yuki
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Yuki500
Report

Working 7 days a week 12 hours a day and Knowing that I’ll only be able to take a vacation when she goes into a nursing home or die. It would be nice to be able to schedule a break for myself without having to put her in a home or worse.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Valenciasmom
Report

OMGoodness, feel the same way. I guess I feel that I would also like to be healthy enough to take care of my mil myself but it is what it is.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Lostinthemix
Report

LOL! You are not alone! I actually have "It's all about her" as her name on my phone guide. My mom was always like this but now it has intensified to where I feel I am her, and my dad's slave. I had to move them both in with my family 8 months ago cause they both have dementia and I'm already hating life. I'm 57 and I hate the thought of wasting the rest of my good years being a slave when she would not have and did not do the same for her parents.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Sandra21
Report
sidelined Aug 2018
First, I like your phone ID!  Another poster called their dad "Mope Man" and I swear I laughed about that for hours...  You and I are the same age, and it is my MIL in my case.  Resentment is a cruel boss, and I am "employed" at the same place!  While I don't think I would ever "like" this situation, resentment and having little respect for MIL makes it near to impossible to tolerate even his existence in our home.  While I don't have any sage words of advice, I would say to you, not to go down the road I have and..... do too much, let them control you, SET BOUNDARIES for heaven's sake....I don't know if they have somewhat separate living quarters at your house (I sure hope so), but you have got to get out ahead of this.  It is like raising children who were not given boundaries and then trying to fix it when they are older.  Just because they are your parents entitles them to absolutely nothing when it comes to you taking abuse and them having control of your life, like you said, they did not do it for their parents.  Like I posted earlier, never hurts to have some asst. living home brochures lying around...
(0)
Report
Sandra 21 you can change this. First set boundaries , there not your parents anymore there in another world. It’s called selfish, there not them. Before you go down a resentment path , if your not already there. Next take time for you. There are professional that handle things and Medicare does pay a few hours to come in at that house. Use them. Stop and protect yourself. As you said your own mothers would. Yuki
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Yuki500
Report

My husband doesn't seem to listen to me about his mom, my mil, I say she needs 24 7 care, in the house since I can't and won't do it because of my own health problems , or a facility. She needs someone properly trained to handle all of this. Her other kids don't seem to care and have nothing to do with her. :( Sad, really. They are punishing her and every one involved.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Lostinthemix
Report

I have lost my life. I work hard all week and now my Saturdays are devoted to driving my mother around. She complains about moving from Ky to Delaware, that her caretakers are not of her same race ( a southern thing) and that she is not given enough pain medication. I cannot go to every doctor's appt with her and she is not a good advocate for herself. I rely on the assisted living to take her to her local doctor's appointments. I am so frustrated now if it weren't for the glass of wine I am drinking I would explode
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to gati1263
Report
sidelined Aug 2018
Oh, you are SO not alone.... forget "glass" of wine - I am seriously considered 5 gl. buckets
(0)
Report
What I hate the most about caregiving already (I've just started these past few months) is that my youth feels like it's being held hostage. My mother was almost 50 when I was born, so she's 90 and I'm in my early 40's. My husband just turned 40, our kids are under the age of 10, my career is just about to peak, and I'm in the final chapters of my youth where I'm still active and healthy and instinctively still wanting to run and play and have fun exploring life and the world with my young family. Yet I'm spending most of my time trying to understand this severely old person with cognitive challenges. There's a massive generational gap between us that was always there but has gotten even worse in recent years. And then, there's my mother-in-law who is dealing with the same caregiving challenges with her father that I am with my mom! I feel guilty about it but I feel cheated. I'm not ready for this yet. I don't want to be my mother-in-laws peer on this issue, commiserating with her. I feel cheated that my children, under the age of 10, already know about incontinence underwear and home health aides and dementia. It sucks for everyone, including my mother who has a daughter that just can't relate to feeling old yet.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Scout0421
Report
sidelined Aug 2018
This does indeed represent challenges of different sorts.  But I encourage you to be kind to yourself, and I think what you are feeling is only normal.  You are still young, and have young children - what you are dealing with because of your mom's advanced age when she had you, is really equal to caring for a grandparent (age wise).  Just be careful and protect your family and mental health.....
(0)
Report
You can teach an old dog new tricks, but not a dog with Alzheimer's or other dementia!
So difficult to lose the person lost inside the dementia. They are gone from your normal life before their body dies. So very sad!
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to drooney
Report

Can relate to you, Scout. I just turned 38 and mom is only 56, but we started going through this early. I figured I would be in my 50s or older before I entered this phase of life.

I have to say I think the one thing that bothers me most at this moment is loss of personal space and privacy. That part will get better eventually once we are able to get her situated with care that is not in our home. Until then, I feel like I'm living under a microscope.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to FrazzledMama
Report
sidelined Aug 2018
Wow FrazzledMama - you are going through this YOUNG!  It sounds like maybe your mom's health has not always been the best, or maybe a recent accident or something.  But either way, tragic, and just wanted you to know that I can relate.  My MIL lives with us, and the lack of privacy and couple time with my husband has drove us to some epic battles....  I know what you mean about microscope living - while my FIL is rather docile, he sits and listens to every single thing going on.  I feel like there are 3 rooms in the house I can escape him, and one is the bathroom....  I hope you find a solution soon.
(0)
Report
What I hated most about caring for my grandpa was watching him slowly lose who he was. Every now and then he would come back to life and I could see the man he used to be. But most of the time he was just a near lifeless body who could only sleep, eat, drink, and barely walk. He only came to life when shown old movies, or when you sang a song to him. I treasured those few moments, and even recorded a few. He was a good man. Now that he has passed I am left taking care of just his sister. She is a joy... most of the time. What I hate most about being her caregiver is the poop. The absolute sheer amount of feces I have to deal with on a daily basis. It gets everywhere. I hate it. I feel like I have to lysol the whole house after she has a bowel movement.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to monateru
Report
sidelined Aug 2018
OMG - how do you do it?  You are better woman than me...  have you talked to her doctor about this seemingly abnormal amount of BM(s).  What and how much does she eat!  This is revolting, and I feel for you.  I am sure the Lysol helps, and I have heard others say they pour ground coffee, over "it" to try to take some of the smell away.  God Bless you....
(0)
Report
What I hated the most about caregiving was the fact I never will have the wonderful carefree fun retirement that my parents had. They enjoyed 25+ years of travel, dining out, movies, etc. And they never needed to take care of their own parents thus they had no idea how stressful it was.

I had to throw out my "bucket list" because the stress caused major health issues with me. Vacations are out of the question and probably will be for the rest of my life :((
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to freqflyer
Report

Caring for a husband with Alzheimer's has changed my life forever. I'm a prisoner in my own house. Friends and family don't visit very often. I have to take him with me to the store which, sometimes, is not a pleasant experience. I want my life and my husband back they way it was before.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to NotCindy
Report
sidelined Aug 2018
Hi NotCindy - I don't have any words of advice, but really just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, and you are not alone.
(0)
Report
I have constant simmering resentment toward my non-contributing brothers, who take far more than they give. Mom worries about money constantly and unloads these worries on me, yet continues to let them drain her of all her assets. I have implored her to stop giving them money as it worries her so much, and she answers. "I know I enable them." I feel helpless and frustrated and trapped. I know these emotions are not healthy ones - I feel them eating away at my well being every day. I'm worried about the person I am becoming.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to AnybodyOutThere
Report
sidelined Aug 2018
Good grief, this is awful...  I know it sounds simple, and probably something you can't really do, but have you asked your mother if she would like to go live with the son's she is enabling?  It is not fair to you to have all the burden and no power.
(0)
Report
Scout0421, It's funny, but you're only 40 and I am 20 years older and still feel the same way about my mom in her 90's ..... I don't want to be buddies and I love many of the old days too, but don't want to hear about them over and over.... and so on...
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Myownlife
Report

Those tears falling from Moms face....I can't take it...
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Pepsee
Report

The conditioning that makes you hyper aware of certain sounds...today I heard the familiar bang of someone knocking over something heavy and stood ready to head upstairs to help dad get up...before I realized I was at work. Sort of scary. 

I guess my real answer to OP would be how fundamentally being a caregiver changes how you experience the world.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to OneLastStraw
Report

My mother is still alive. When I hear the broom bang on the floor, I know a rage is coming and I am scared. I am 59 years old and terrified of my 82 year old mother. God, c'mon, isn't it time for her to go?
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to keepingup
Report
sidelined Aug 2018
OK, did not see this post, before I responded.... you ABSOLUTELY do not need to living in fear of your mother, for any reason.  Sounds like it is time for someone's change of address.... just saying
(0)
Report
I'm so sorry, Keepingup. What you are describing sounds like a horror movie. Isn't there a way to remove yourself from this situation? Forgive me if you've posted elsewhere with an explanation about this. You deserve not to live in fear.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to SnoopyLove
Report

I hear you. I have been taking care of this lady friend for 14 years. She recently had to go into a nursing home due to a stage 4 wound. But for years I've noticed a steady decline with her memory. It seems all she cares about is whether i can do her hair, bring her ice cream. When i visit her and tell her I'm not well enough to do her hair, she starts wailing and crying so loudly i fear the nurses think i’m abusive. I ask her “you mean even though i dont feel well, you insist i do your hair?” And of course she says “yes!” When i talk to her, she looks totally bored. She listens in on someone else’s conversation instead. So i feel no sense of gratitude and its got to the point i feel like not going back for awhile to see her. I am her POA and handle all her finances now. I feel trapped. That i am a bad person if i bail out on her even though she shows little respect or gratitude. She has not been diagnosed with dementia but she has many symptoms, including incontinence, cries when she doesnt get her ice cream, etc.
By the way your post made me laugh due to your outright honesty about your feelings. There are many times i feel like calling this lady battleaxe but don't bcuz i know she probably can’t help it.  And also her situation pretty sad. 
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Judi1957
Report

I hear you. I have been taking care of this lady friend for 14 years. She recently had to go into a nursing home due to a stage 4 wound. But for years I've noticed a steady decline with her memory. It seems all she cares about is whether i can do her hair, bring her ice cream. When i visit her and tell her I'm not well enough to do her hair, she starts wailing and crying so loudly i fear the nurses think i’m abusive. I ask her “you mean even though i dont feel well, you insist i do your hair?” And of course she says “yes!” When i talk to her, she looks totally bored. She listens in on someone else’s concersation instead. So i feel no sense of gratitude and its got to the point i feel like not going back for awhile to see her. I am her POA and handle all her finances now. I feel trapped. That i am a bad person if i bail out on her even though she shows little respect or gratitude. She has not been diagnosed with dementia but she has many symptoms, including incontinence, cries when she doesnt get her ice cream, etc.
By the way your post made me laugh due to your outright honesty about your feelings. There are many times i feel like calling this lady battleaxe but don't bcuz i know she probably can’t help it.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Judi1957
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter