
I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
In my heart, I know he doesn't understand what he is doing and has no way to make changes. But when he repeats same actions = hiding dirty depends, not making to or forgetting to go to bathroom so I have to give him, rug, bed, floors, toilet, tub clothes a bath each day.
I must have had a very bad time when a client said this to me. I got angry but respectfully asked him if he ever took care of an elderly? He said no. I then said that taking care of elderlies is NOT like taking care of children. Kids cry, learn to walk, learn to feed themselves, want to do things for themselves... As for an old person, you cannot change the bedridden parent's pamper like a child. They forget to walk, they forget to eat, until they're completely bedridden, oxygen, stomache tube... They don't get better, they get worse."
He stared at me with wide eyes. When I was done talking, he quietly said, "No, taking care of an elderly is Not like taking care of a child." He told me that his uncle took care of the grandparents. He just realized what his uncle went through while doing that. His eyes got watery....
I took care of my mom with alzeimers so Know where your coming from.
Be calm and pray hard..walk outside when you get frustrated, even for 5 minutes. God bless.
she’s a different person, loving, catering to them with her walker and all, would never ask them for any help whatsoever. They get all the good parts and I get the crappy ones. That’s my vent.
I feel for you. I am going through the same thing. My mom (84 yrs old) doesn't do a thing around the house anymore since I moved in over 2 yrs ago. I've lost so much, have had to sell a lot of my things to pay my few bills I have. I'm killing myself for doing these odd and ends job to make a few bucks to pay for my bills. What more do i have to do before I die before she does. My health has gone down hill.
I don't even want to come back anymore. In this whole time I feel like her home could be mine also for about 3-4 months after my brother passed away in Jan. Now again it's her home and I can't do anything here.
She tells me that we need each other. I've told her that I don't need her to survive. I've had a hard life and I know how to fend for myself even if I have to live out of my car.
A good friend of mine finally said the other day that I should come live with him. I want to so bad but then the guilt comes in. I'm to the point and give her my 30 day notice so she can think of what her next steps are. She can't keep asking her neighbors to help. They are older and have their own health problems.
My mind is in a million different places right now that I'm almost ready to blow.
I hope we both can do what's best for us!
A mother who did not take care of herself when she was diagnosed with diabetes.
She is incontinent and has MCI. A father who will not get treatment for his anxiety
and depression. It is a crazy merry go round and has been made worse by Covid.
I know I have posted about this before-sorry. I going to take a week off from them.
Very tired myself.
It is hard to pinpoint what is the worst..it seems to change daily. I think overall is the feeling of isolation and that the world is passing by and nobody knows how hard my life has become. This has resulted in total resentment and anger towards my sibling whose life seems to be going on normally while mine feels like it has turned upside down.
What we all can do is to prepare for our own "golden years" so we don't rob our children of their lives.
I'm new to the forum and was very moved by the response I got when I posted my question. There are some really caring people on this forum. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and practice being a "gray rock", because my mother is and has always been narcissistic.
But Marialake, I hear you honey, and it sounds like you are dealing with a Narcissist Elderly Person. That's a double whammy .
Oo! Just googled prices for the type of cushioned ones I was thinking of, and now discover that mobility websites have already thought of this - so there are ranges designed for older and disabled people. Seem to start at about $30, but you'd want to check the sound quality in cheaper ones.
And if she says she won't wear them...? You know what you can and can't negotiate with her, but I'd call this a suitable occasion to be assertive with her. If you can once get her to try them and hear how much better she can hear, it'll be worth a battle.
Um, just one thing - you're not still angry with your mother and her siblings for not taking in your grandmother, are you? You're 59, and crucially you are trained and experienced, and *you're* finding the job exhausting - so how on earth would they have coped?
But on the other hand, seeing as they presumably applauded your decision to rescue THEIR mother, they could perhaps put their hands in their pockets and buy you some respite hours? Money is the sincerest form of gratitude, after all.
My situation is different. I am not the caretaker. I have done EVERYTHING for the caretakers and they are still not satisfied. Too much to list here so try that on for size. I'd like to see a forum for my situation to vent. I sure could use some advise on how to proceed. Good Luck and Blessings to all who have vented here, but remember life happens and we all get a chance to become the one who is being cared for.
Today I drove 1-1/2 hours to go to the doctor for me (not Mom, not my husband). Since I was going to be in that town I went ahead and coordinated some other appointments (service the van, get supportive shoes for my painful feet). Left at 9 a.m., got home at 3 p.m.
In the meantime, my mother got out of bed by herself (despite the full length rails) between 9:30 and 10 (my husband checked at 9:30 and she was asleep but was out of bed at 10). Bath aide came at 10:30 and got her dressed (assuming she also cleaned her up since my husband said he didn't). My sister came by at 2 on her way home from her doctor's appointment and said Mom had no diaper on and was totally wet. She took care of that and also did a "spaaaah treatment" (nothing on Mom's bottom half except for a blanket, with warm air blowing under it to help with the diaper rash).
After my sister left and we had our dinner, I checked Mom's room to make sure I had all her laundry before I started the washer. Smelled urine. Felt the floor and it wasn't wet. Checked her bed and evidently Mom made her bed without taking the wet pad off (probably totally unaware she was wet). So I stripped the bed and put sheets in the washer too.
Hmmm, it sounds like I'd complain if I was hung with a new rope, doesn't it - because I really did have a lot of help. It's just frustrating that I'm the only one who either noticed the pee smell or looked to see where it came from. I feel like I shouldn't go anywhere at all.
Now that I've said/written it and read it, I realize how very blessed I am to have had the help I had. If I had a friend who was in the same situation, I'd probably say "get a grip, girlfriend. Your husband, bath aide and sister enabled you to be able to go out for a day to run errands. Be thankful Mom had someone with her and took care of her obvious needs." Sometimes self-compassion requires a reality check instead of a pity party.
I do appreciate this forum. I feel so much better since I found it a few weeks ago. I don't feel totally alone and unsupported anymore and it has helped my emotional health enormously!
Blessings to all of you for listening!
The days when it feels like I’m on solo...I know it would be overwhelming much without my family supporting the journey with love. Thank you for the shift and the moment to bask in gratitude.
It would be a variety of things depending on what was happening at that time.
If I was forced to pick just one it would have to be witnessing pain as the absolute worst thing.
I do not handle seeing someone in pain very well.
We can raise our children the same but they are individuals that have their own perspective on life, which is a good thing. I raised my girls to be independent thinkers.
I was having a few challenges with my youngest daughter.
She was the kind of kid who didn’t take anything at face value.
I took them once a week to the library. My girls inhaled books!
She would ask me to drive her to the library to get more books. The library was closed. This kid didn’t believe me!
In frustration, I drove her to the library and allowed her to try to open the locked door.
Hahaha, she looked at me and nonchalantly said, “Mom, they are closed.” She had her proof and I had my sanity! Luckily, it was a short drive to my library.
My oldest daughter took everything at face value. She never questioned the library not being open.
We are all unique individuals that see things our own way. We will rub others the wrong way at times and they will work on our nerves, whether they are our kids, parents, neighbors, etc.
I don’t think we can ever avoid friction! Sometimes we just want to scream. I wonder why the ‘scream therapy’ of the 60’s didn’t stick around. Hahaha 🤣. Maybe therapist were getting headaches and going deaf! I remember John Lennon and Yoko participating in that type of therapy.
It’s so much harder with parents than children! Children grow up! They leave!
I think having parents live with us is a much bigger challenge than anything else.
It certainly was the toughest job that I ever had!