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Over 2 yrs ago I moved in with my 80 yr old sister to take care of her. Cleaned up her finances by giving her mine . Now when I say she needs assisted living I’m told by other sister and nephew that I’m exaggerating her symptoms so I can do that. I’m 75 and am am down on hands & knees cleaning her up and dressing her. I’m so angry and hurt. Also exhausted.
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LovingHeart26 Apr 13, 2026
Dear Joyce, you are a true angel and I wish I could wave a wand and bring in support for YOU that you so dearly need. God bless you and sending you a big hug. 🌸
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For me, is the burnout of day in day out care for 6 years which has consumed my life. Although I have help with caregivers, I am managing them as well and it is a lot when dealing with my own health issues.

And trying to be really in the zone of being present, calm, loving and patient with my mom who has Lewy Body Dementia when I am with her.
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I am a caregiver for my 68 yr old husband with vascular dementia. I am bored and stressed from the constant watching for his well being and having not much stimulating to do. I have been posting on social media some good encouraging Bible texts, and sayings of encouragement which helps me up to a point.
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Truth.. my biggest boogaboo that I experience while caring for my vascular dementia diagnosed spouse is, I miss sharing our formerly prearranged travel experiences, our former ability to work for pay for beer money so to speak, our former Intimate moments, etc ... We have both had to find ways to grieve our former lifestyle and come to accept that our life together today is different and I have had to focus on new found ways to find our joy, usually one sided, wherever and however we can. For instance, on this beautiful Sunday morning, I'd much rather be taking a ride down to the ocean. However, seeking to limit activity for my spouse, which keeps him calm and content, we are sitting on our porch. As we sit here I meditate and dream of the ocean smell the water feel the wind in my hair, and the sun on my face, the sand on my feet, seagulls in the sky, and there we are sitting in the sand watching the ocean in and out and feeling calm thanking God for the blessing it was beautiful Sunday morning. So what I'm trying to say is.. make the most with your loved one when you can. Laugh about the confusions they have. Make jokes. Be tender. And most importantly reach out for the joy when your loved one speaks or doesn't, look into their eyes deep into their souls and see the higher power that's inside of all of us it is reaching for joy as best as possible each day, no they are safe, in your love, and caring, what life is left and do with it the day brings. It's the best advice I can give us a call for maintaining our mental health through the most trying times of our lives watching our loved ones go through these hard times.
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bkgranny Jun 27, 2026
I try those things too because I am very grateful to still have him as he is my beloved. I have not been to church in 2 1/2 years because I can't trust him to not drive, use a chain saw or get up on a ladder while I am gone.
He is a "showtimer" for sure when we are at a medical office.
I am used to being shadowed as at least I know where he is and he truly is a helper in the kitchen and still neat and tidy.
Our best times are Sunday nights when the family (those still in town) come for Sunday dinner and he is engaged in conversation on the deck and at the dining room table.
Luckily he enoys water walking at our Y and the library events for seniors and walking our 1/2 mile neighborhood oval every day.
I am grateful we have what we have for now.
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The lack of give a shi! By everyone else involved. They don't care if I'm never able to go to school functions with my grandchildren, if my back is broke or my head is pounding or if I have money to buy my loved ones present since I'm without income taking care of Mom. They don't care that every morning I wake crying due to the impossible amount of chores I have to do before the end of the day. They pile in once a month to make themselves look and feel better. I've grown to detest them
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MerryWll10 Jul 6, 2026
This! I feel every word you stated.Well said. 😞
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I love my mother and always will. But at this time, I don’t like her. She loves everyone but me. I try so hard to make her happy. It’s never enough. Reasoning with her is not possible. One word can set her off. I try to remove myself to another room. She talks to me anyway she wants to. No regrets ever. She does not like to be alone but that is going to happen once I find a place and move. I just don’t care. I feel beaten down.
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I am sick of everything to do with food. I'm sick of coming up with things to make him. I am sick of coming here for my stay (take turns staying with him with my siblings) and not knowing what food we are out of. I bought one of those dry erase boards and stuck it on the fridge and said if you use up something or if something is running low write it on here. I'm sick of the freezer always being full of bull**** that no one will ever use and not having the room to put any foods I bring over. Same with the fridge. I suggested we label what is in there with what it is and the date that it was made. Nope. So it is a guessing game. I'm sick of finishing with one meal and doing the dishes and then it seems like it is time for the next meal in two seconds. And an appetite seems to be the only thing that my dementia father hasn't lost. Ok, that is my gripe for today.
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It is the constant rationalization why something to do is forgotten or for any other reason. I love him dearly--he is my beloved after a first sight egagement 63 years ago and a happy life together with a rich family live besides. He has dementia/ahlzeimers.
I am his mind, he is my body as I am the physically frail one.
He will not leave to go into a facility (I would move with him)...he is 88 and I am 84.
We do have an aide twice a week but soon we will need more help. Our long term care insurance not helping much as he is in good physical health and I don't
have dementia.
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Love when this thread pops so I can complain lol. Sooooo tired of the monitoring of the temperature.... is it too hot, is it too cold. Is the heat working, is the AC working. Should we turn the AC on? Mom actually said "I hope we made the right decision " when we turned the AC on... like it's life or death. Summer's here, but also it's almost over etc etc etc etc ad nauseum.

Knowing every detail of their lives at every moment, particularly bowel habits, who's gone, who's going, who can't go, who's going too much.

Also the bills....the mail coming is a nightmare. Are the bills paid. Do we have enough. And the medicine, are we going to run out, are the prescriptions ready, will the doctor remember to send it, is it ready, etc etc. It's constant anxiety and ruminating. I'm so envious of people who actually get to separate from their parents and recover from all the nervous dysregulation..

It's comical until it's not. Stay strong out there soldiers!
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lkdrymom Jul 5, 2026
Your post reminds me of both my father and husband. My father’s favorite topic of conversation was wondering what type of cancer he was going to have. My mom died of cancer. My father never had cancer. Then his favorite subject turned to his bowel movements. I suddenly missed the cancer talks. My husband is 18 years older and not suffering from anything other than getting older. However he acts like your mother where simple decisions hold weight as if they were life or death. A new recipe doesn’t come out as good as expected and he acts like it is the end of the world. Simple decisions he wants to leave to me because he just can’t be wrong.
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The bowel movements. I read quite a few of these, and I think people are being polite, or they are not 24/7 caregivers, because the stench and cleanup are so gross. I wake up dreading it every day.

Also, not having left the house in three years. Psychologists say this type of isolation causes permanent damage. Even in jail, people can't be locked in solitary for three years. I often dream of the luxury of being in prison. I would only be responsible for myself. I would have friends. I would get out in the sun for an hour a day. Someone would do my laundry and cook my meals.

I'm very jealous of everyone who complains about being angry with their family for not helping more. They have family. They have people who help some, even if it's not enough. I have nowhere to put my anger. I've learned to be numb.

But I love my mom, and that keeps me going. I am giving her the best life she can have. She was in rehab for three weeks a while back, and she hated it. I spoil her, and I love spoiling her.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 16, 2026
@LoneRanger

You're not lying about the BM's. I cleaned them up for 25 years. Many times I've had to vomit because it's so gross. Wearing disposable face masks with a few drops of lavender oil or citrus on them will help a bit.

I hope you have some outside help coming in because you need breaks too. Caregiver burnout is real.
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Probably that I was thrust into this role that I never signed up for, for someone who is unable to appreciate it, and I feel like I'm sacrificing what was supposed to be the best years of my life. :(
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BurntCaregiver Jul 16, 2026
@LilacGirl

So many of us have been in the same situation as you. I want to tell you something I have told countless family caregivers over the years.

Caregiving only works if it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's.

You're clearly not the one setting the terms here and you need to be. For many caregivers the person they care for is just too unreasonable, stubborn, nasty, and needs a level of care that can't be provided at home. This is when they need to be put into facility care.

Your life is important. You also matter. Many people get guilted into caregiving positions because there's a lot of judgment from others when someone is a family caregiver. Often when a person doesn't allow their entire life to be consumed by a family member's care needs there will be judgment from others. Often there will be from the LO they're a caregiver to. Ignore it. You are allowed to set boundaries and put limits on how much caregiving you will do and for how long. No one has to completely give up their lives, jobs, homes, marriages, friends for caregiving to prove they love their family. This isn't love. It's care slavery.
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I was dumped into a caregiving situation once my father abandoned the home. First, it was my mother who fought a brief battle with pancreatic cancer leaving behind a severely disabled adult child. What got to me was the ongoing stubbornness of my younger sibling bypassing the toilet and using the floor to void and defecate. I would be awakened out of my sleep in the middle of the night and having to clean up bowel movements and change sheets. I would have to be up at five am to pack lunch and get my daughter ready for school. Later after a full time job as a Nursing Staffing Coordinator, a commute back home to fix dinner and back out for evening classes.
This craziness went on for three years. Finally, I had my sister placed. None of my other siblings had no idea how she ended up in a brand new group home and dad never shared this information with any of them because he was busy painting me as a villain.
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The rapid pace of decline.

I took on a 4 hour a week volunteer gig sitting for a friend with alzheimers in mid 2025. Her husband works a factory job for 4 hours every morning.

After the first day I realized she could get out. We had a wonderful 6 months of visiting our art museum 3 times, visiting our historic museum and the 2000 year old native american canoe, visiting the art guild and talking to artists, visiting our local African American museum and talking to the local elder (we are white), and visiting our city hall art museum and our city hall Christmas decorations. We also went to our local market to pick up acre peas and ham hocks.

Her husband requested that we stay home during 2026 so I respected his wishes but we spent a lot of time in her garden and she gave me some plants.

She just broke her ankle and foot and it was a really bad break. She is in the hospital now. I don't think she will ever be coming home. She does not understand that she cannot walk on the cast.

I understand the husband's decision as there were a number of elopements in the car and having to call the Sheriff's department. She would also wake in the middle of the night with anger which was tough for the husband to deal with. The mental health professional that lives in his neighborhood told him to back down from a situation when she is angry so the husband started sleeping in his shed work/shop if she woke angry in the middle of the night.

I'm just sad about the pace of the decline.

On the plus side I got more out of volunteering than they. I was really beaten down from dealing with my sister over my mother's death and estate. My volunteer gig got me back to living.
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Hope21 Jul 16, 2026
Brandee,
Your friend and her husband were truly blessed to have your friendship and care. Thank you for an inspiring account!
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The fact that no other family members are will to put in any REAL help. Split up time where she could stay with her, and/or have her stay with them.
Sharing the BURDEN!
As such I am now trapped babysitting an elderly person, knowing that each passing day, is another healthy day I will never get back.
Resenting each and every person who is unwilling to make any sacrifice for their own mother. Also learning who these people really are and resenting them for this.
Knowing that this will never end until she or I pass.
40 yrs of working to build a retirement and this is it?
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My wife and I are dealing with taking care of my mom and hers. My brother and I take turns staying with mom, but I am stuck here 3 weeks to his 1. He/his wife push we have responsibility BS. I return home to my home to find my MIL who lives with us. All her other sons and daughters also pushing the no time BS.
We know what is going on and I now really hate them and their BS excuses.
They all live within 2hrs at most.
I worked +40 years to build a good retirement and now it is spent babysitting two old ladies. Knowing that we are wasting every good day of health doing this. We are both trapped and knowing this only ends when someone passes.
Cannot plan to do/go anywhere without begging one of these morons to take care of their own mom for a couple of days. My fantasy now is for the wife and I to take our passports and just escape this prison.
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Hothouseflower Jul 17, 2026
You need to take control of your situation. Your family and your wife’s are not going to do more than they are now.

its time for you to not to stay at your mother’s for three weeks and for you to tell in laws that you are no longer able to have your mother live there.

If these folks have money put them in facilities. Otherwise apply for Medicaid and get them in a SNF.

All I know is I started my slog in 2020 with my parents. It just ended last month finally. All this sacrifice for my two largely unappreciative parents.

You are right about all those healthy days going down the drain. I was so jealous of my friends whose parents did not linger in lousy health like mine did.
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