
I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
Amen to that. I second the thoughts completely. I still struggle with the feeling bad about having those feelings.
was not just my Mother but my best Friend too. Rest in peace.
I understand many of your thoughts. I am glad you and husband are in good shape physically, I have forgotten what that means since I ruined my back at 17!
Had to give up my career, always with my nose just above the waterline financially, no health insurance, I pay out of pocket, only way I can afford it, and pray nothing serious comes up!
The no end in sight? I totally get that and I am forever wondering how long will I be a prisoner caring for Mom and then feel terrible for having thoughts.
Medicaid from what I understand in very invasive as far as going through all assets and prove you have nothing to qualify. I hope not to have to go through that nightmare either.
That said, I'm just sick I'm going to need to pitch in so heavily again right after we just got Aunt F through her own full year of cancer and now heart failure... she had no children so most of the work to care for her has fallen on myself and one of my cousins. It's just one of these things - when people get old, they get sick, it's not a universal conspiracy to stop me from picking my career back up more intently or anything - or so I'm telling myself so I won't be so upset. Of course I'm also worried about my mom and what the diagnosis might mean, but I'm also having a lot of problems with that 'no end in sight' feeling (Mom originally had nine brothers and sisters; a total of seven children are still living, in their 80s. Only two of them had more than one child and two had no children, so we cousins are stretched pretty thin with the caregiving (and two of my cousins have special needs children... two more have spouses with cancer.)
I really *really* need some income, just not sure what I'm going to do... doesn't help that only one of my aunts has any significant savings for retirement or elder care. I don't want to have to look into qualifying for Medicaid but that may be what it takes.
Hugs to all in our community this afternoon.
Sorry to hear about your Mom's cancer. 😥 It runs in my family too. I imagine you feel more overwhelmed now knowing what she will go through, and you will go through it as well. Sometimes when folks get old, Aunt F, all they can focus on is their plethora of ailments, it's all they have left to talk about. I sadly get it as I am getting older and more physical issues are starting to rear their ugly head.
Yeah, I am Mom's sole caregiver (she did not save or have LTC insurance either) and I live with chronic pain from an old injury, I badly damaged my lower back that has turned into arthritis (disc pretty much gone) and bursitis in my hips. I manage to care for Mom's lymphatic leg (from a prior cervical cancer surgery) and that is a chronic condition too. She is 81 and has dementia as well. Faking my own death? Sounds tempting somedays! One of Mom's sisters had breast cancer twice, oddly enough, she made it and is still working as a nurse in her 70's! Mom's other sister has dementia now too so I am not liking my odds between both of those awful things. Oh, I also found melanoma on Mom's arm but found it so quickly, they removed it without it having gotten a foothold. Let's face it, for a lot of us, getting old sucks on so many levels, whether you are the caregiver or the person having to be cared for, it's no picnic!!! I will pray for you and your Mom. *Hugs* It will be rough, especially at her age.
Yesterday we learned my mom (78) is experiencing the return of breast cancer she beat back in 1992. Just now my aunt F, who can only speak of herself and her own problems, called ostensibly to see how *I'm* doing (breast cancer is hereditary and virtually all of Mom's care will fall on me, since she has saved no money for old age and my half brother has a personality disorder.) We talked about me/Mom for maybe 2 minutes when it all went into the low blood pressure Aunt is having due to medication she takes, all her own problems, how her friends aren't helping her enough bla bla bla.
Honestly I really should have hung up the phone. Issue is, my mom has SIX sisters all of whom are in their 80s... once they're all gone I'll be the sole caregiver for my dad's brother, who has no kids. At least he's bought long term care insurance.
I feel for you and understand. Mom isn't mean though thank god or I could not take it. That would be the cherry on the sundae that would shove me off the cliff. I can relate to most of the other stuff. My brothers live fairly close (less than an hour away) but I had to boot one off the property for mooching money off Mom everytime he showed up! He is a mental case loser on permanent disability and is married, has a kid and HER parents from the Philipines live with them! So, him crying wolf is typical. I need this, I need that, pay for all my lunches and my family too! She can't afford it! We are not Rockerfeller's or she could afford a caregiver and I would not have had to be the one who sacrificed my entire life to assure her safety. I actually became a caregiver, (gave up my career) because I knew her dementia would get worse, and it has, so she would need full time care. We were billed out at 30 an hour!!! She can't afford that! She is still physically OK, just not mentally. My one brother I booted makes false accusations about me and the other one is pretty much MIA unless he feels an occasional pang of guilt around a holiday. Then he drops off a little gift or card and he has done his duty for a while. Then of course, they are so sweet to actually have done something!!!!
You are not alone dear. *Hugs*
She is your shadow. That is what she will be as long as she is with you. We "know" that is how it goes for us.
Kootiebear, I hear ya, loud and clear. They have nobody else or nothing else to occupy their minds other than what their needs are, they no longer have the capacity to think of how this affects us. Even when I try to tell her, she may acknowledge for the moment but it goes right back to her next fixation of what she needs today. My two siblings never visit or have offered to help out and she has alienated any past or new people that reach out to her to be a part of her current world, hence, all my responsibility for all her needs. She refuses any attempt to go to adult daycare every now and then so she can converse with somebody else besides me. I have no life anymore either except keeping her safe and tending to all her needs and fixations so she is content. She would rather watch the neighborhood out her window and monitor their comings and goings.
I am in the same boat. My dad passed last year and I too just miss having my dad here. I took him for granted. I saw no end in sight but I failed to see how painful the alternative was as well. If I did, maybe I could have found another way to save him. I never knew how much of a void there would be without my dad.