
I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
Guess what I'm getting at, I have lost the enjoyment of living in the moment., by wondering how much longer will this go on ?!
I want that too and to only focus on her baby in the oven. Although, daughter is very understanding and helpful (maybe cuz she's older than yours) 21 is a tough age, be thrilled she wants to come home. 😊
It's like my husband and kids get a small bot of their wife/mom...I try but it's exhausting
And I'm getting better slowly
My gerontology class was interesting. Altho at the time, all of my grandparents were dead, Mom was late 40s and Dad was late 50s. So some context was lost on me!
Now that I know what I know.....my class just scratched the surface. Of course! It was an "intro" elective, after all.
For some reason, what stuck with me was learning that illness and maladies often become the elderly's #1 topic. For some, with good reason. For others, as a means of jumping on the bandwagon or one-upping. And -- the folks who live the longest find that funeral homes become their major social outlet. Ouch! But so true, right??
I would flash back to that when Mom's primary phone topics became announcing who died (whether I knew them or not) and updates on everyone's physical disorders. Extra points if it was newly diagnosed!
What ticked me off -- and still does -- is that my mom was in her late 50s when she started this sh*t. Not too long into her 2nd marriage.
At this phase of Mom's life, there were many recent improvements RE finances, housing, social life. Basically, an all-around upgrade in.....hope. And also a challenge for Mom, as she had to mesh with more (and more varied) personalities than she was accustomed to.
After the novelty wore off, Mom's new neighbors and new extended family were simply a new backdrop for old tendencies. Then as Mom aged, UGH.
I am sorry but I just have to giggle hearing your daughter say, "I didn't ask to be born into this." I don't think any of us did! Lots of kids say stuff like "I didn't ask to be born!" LOL!!!! Takes me back. Gotta love those typical remarks when they get frustrated. Don't take it personally. You are right, you are there ALL THE TIME, not just weekends. You are the gopher, "go get me this, I need that" when Mom wants something. Bet she sure wouldn't want to be in your position! She is just too young to understand and she is at the age when it's all about her. Give her sometime. I think the time you begin to truly emerge into being an adult is about 30 these days. The changes that take place between 20 and 30 are huge! Doesn't sound like anything so tramatizing is going on to send her running to therapy. My Grandma shrunk my clothes? Mom is stressed? I can think of a lot worse! 😊 Hang in there!
I can identify with all of your dilemmas! I do think a lot of our depression, frustration & stress may be due to caregiving. The repetious of it all, the structure & consistency we should adhere to in hopes that it makes it easier, keeps things on target for everyone. We hope that it works, sometimes it does or doesn't. There's no rhyme or reason, we may be tired, not 100%, hey we're allowed, so it ends up being not the best of days for us, anyone.
Meals & meds at the same time; bathroom reminders or change of clothes & showers, I am doing more than 1 a day for my brother these days; bedtime which has its trials & tribulations, I don't dare wake him, move him for a pillow or try to make him more comfortable, if he's in 1 place or position he wants to stay there.
Then there's the miscellaneous, stuff that can keep our minds going endlessly. Phone calls, consults & visits to so called professionals who may make us more confused or enlightened. There's notes & paperwork galore, to be kept & filed for reference.
There's always the same old to do & there is more of it, cooking, cleaning, groceries, laundry, shopping. You can't get behind in this stuff, if you do, it's a challenge to get it done.
We contemplate on how & what we should do. We are bombarded with emotions & feelings, maybe more sad than happy. It's part of caregiving, yet I don't recall reading about it.
Yes, FL, caters to their elder population. Their healthcare professionals are the worst, don't get ill down there. The driving rules = accidents waiting to happen. My brother couldn't cross a street, yet, could purchase a mo-ped, no license needed. The encouragement of that from friends, "Are you kidding," I exclaimed! Frightening!
Caregivers stay strong & focused. Take care of you as well, prioritize that if you must, without guilt. Reminisce about love & memories. Each & every day is a blessing! Blessings 🌸
And the next thing that bothers me most is the feeling helpless. I always beat myself up for not being able to do more, but realistically we just can't wave magic wands and make everything all better.
I get it. I was even saying to my husband today that my life has been a never ending battle of one kind or another and life is just not fun anymore, just more battles. Taking care of Mom and her issues, my dysfunctional siblings, arguing with husband on how to deal with Mom, on and on. I pray the next life I will have peace. You aren't alone. No, I am not going to do anything about it either except pray I don't live long enough to be a pain in the a$$ to anyone else!
I also have that "what is the point of life" feeling now and again. (Haha, a lot recently.) Not in a realistic, I will do something about it way, but in a deeply hopeless way. I need to figure out how to cope better because the future is bleak. I have MIL, FIL and a BIL that we will be responsible for, probably within a year or two.
It's funny how people don't ask how WE are doing. We are the ones doing all the work! Plus all the work of taking care of our own lives. My favorite is when someone says, "Well, I hope there will be a clear easy solution for you soon." Do they have any idea how idiotic that sounds?
Family expecting me to be gourmet cook, personal maid, professional house keeper, personal assistant to their kids who don't live there!! and yet be ok with their loved ones taking out their issues on me all because I'm professional !!
I have found Its either family or patient who has issues !!!
expecting me to stay busy 24/7 as if I'm their personal slave !!
keeping house extremely warm when I'm cooking, cleaning, running around like a chicken with MY head cut off sweating and its all ready 80 degrees out side TURN ON D*MN AC bundle up mom or dad for god sakes!!
just today i declined a job where the mom was belligerent, talking bad about every one ! I told her son who is 50 years of age, sorry no can do !!
I keep running into this scenario often to point where iv tuned down 5 jobs in last year!!!!!!
please people its not going to harm ur loved ones to take meds for their personal tizzy fits they have !!!! ur loved one is better off !! less confrontational, less paranoid about feeling left out, less angry. iv dealt with yelling, screaming having my life threatened ! them being jealous of stupid things or just jealous of me cause im not 95 years old !! them getting angry cause I didn't do things their way even though end result is same !! ( washing dishes , using paper towel instead of napkin stupid crap they nick pik on....
PLEASE GIVE UR LOVED ONE MEDS TO CALM THEM DOWN IT MAKES LIFE SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER FOR BOTH SIDES
Driving issues, another tough 1! You'll need luck with this!
Some states have different laws regarding driving. I found FL's to be very frightening & lax, maybe due to a huge senior population. You don't need a license to drive everything, i.e. a scooter with limited speed capabilities is ok.
Yes, it's a challenge convincing most "it's time." It's really high in the list of losing their independence & acknowledging they need more assistance, we know the struggles of that.
A good caring & intended personnel needs to step up to the plate & say, "done." This way you are not the bad guy once again. Could be a doctor, insurance agent, a visit to the family lawyer just stating the facts. An accident, even if one is not at fault, would not be good for anyone, the potential to lose personal assets is there & that can be the needed wake up call.
Most states also have a mandated driving test that must be taken to prove if the capability is still there to continue driving after a medical occurrence & diagnosis. It's a 3 part I've heard; controlled driving, written test & a computer generated one. The whole deal involved is serious & intimidating & if we know what's true, sad.
We can't forget the real intent is to keep our loved one, everyone, alive & safe. Us caregivers can do this! Blessings 🌸