One year after dad passed, I only remember his struggle. How do I cope?
My dad died around this time last year. Family dynamics were challenging. Dad lived with mom in the home they bought 25 years ago, and he was her primary caregiver as she struggled with dementia the last seven years. He was three years older and had COPD. I knew the likely trajectory. It is actually what brought me to this site.
In spite of my attempts for home care and various other things for support, dad remained largely on his own. I believe it was what he wanted as he stubbornly refused what was offered. He actually did alright until two years ago when his own health declined. When conditions in their home became unsafe, I intervened and got them into an ALF. Dad died a couple months after that. Mom went to Memory Care.
What sticks in my mind are images of my dad struggling with daily activities and trying to make things good for my mom. The house and yard were physically in good shape, but the inside was cluttered. Dad struggled to make meals, make coffee, and get to the grocery store. His COPD worsened, and he even told me he was having a difficult time making it down the driveway to the mailbox. He was becoming forgetful and leaving sticky-notes around the house for reminders to do laundry and run the dishwasher, but he was unable to follow up on that. He never wanted to be in ALF, nor did he want his wife in MC. In spite of his efforts, he ended up exactly where they never wanted.
I just cannot get the images of his decline out of my head. I see the ignored sticky-notes around the house, cluttered table-tops that were once immaculate, and dirty clothes piled up. He never asked for help. When I would call on the phone, he always was cheerful and acted like everything was great. In his mind, I wonder if he was perhaps trying to be strong? Did he know the gravity of the situation, but was too overwhelmed to make decisions? When my dad passed, a friend told me that the bad stuff will fade, and I will only be left with the memories of the happier times. Is that really true for anyone? Or, do some of these things just stay with you and you just need to find a place to put them, and let them be?
Nobody wants to reach a time of illness in old age or incompetence when we need to rely on others for help, but it happens to the vast majority of us. That's life on life's terms. Nobody gets to make a choice about how they pass, so those of us remaining with sad memories of their passing have to believe they're at perfect peace now. I know I do. When I was mourning dad the hardest, I'd get signs from him all the time. Coins in particular, pennies and dimes, and I'd see 11:11 on the clock and 1:11 all the time. I still do in fact. And when times are hardest, I still get coins showing up when I need them most. If you look for signs, you'll find them.
I suggest a book for you, Hello From Heaven: A New Field of Research - After-Death Communication - Confirms That Life and Love Are Eternal
In this groundbreaking study of after-death communication experiences, authors Bill and Judy Guggenheim focus on the 12 major types of ADCs people report, the loving messages they receive, and the effects on the lives of those who have been contacted. They present persuasive evidence that ADCs are authentic contacts by deceased loved ones and discuss a few of the many far-reaching social and spiritual implications of their findings.
During their 7 years of research, Bill and Judy Guggenheim interviewed 2,000 people from all over America and Canada and collected more than 3,300 firsthand accounts from people who stated that they have been contacted by a deceased relative or friend. The Guggenheims selected 353 deeply poignant and comforting firsthand accounts for Hello from Heaven. Presented as complete short stories, they offer powerful emotional and spiritual healing, especially for those who are grieving or afraid of death.
Many of the accounts reveal information that the person contacted did not know - and could not have known - before their ADC occurred. In other cases, a person's life was protected, or even saved, by an ADC experience, including a number who were planning to commit suicide. Occasionally two or more people were together at the same place and time when they shared an after-death communication. Listen to these joyous and uplifting reports and decide for yourself whether they offer modern-day evidence of life after death.
https://a.co/d/dWcvEct
This is what I've experienced. Although the sad memories do tend to fade over time they can resurface periodically in a dream or when circumstances bring them up, but many years on I'm no longer stricken by the grief associated with those memories and I can give a mental shrug and turn my thoughts to something else.
Those memories have not vanished, but I don’t find myself dwelling on them as much as I did. I am starting to see how those terrible, sad years were only a small part of the overall time I had with him. For awhile it seemed like because the bad experiences were so bad and because they were the end, they would always blot out the rest. But it’s shifting a little more into perspective and balance.
Do you have pictures of happy times with your dad from years gone by? It might help to look at them. Or even put them up on the fridge or above your desk or wherever.
Do you have any objects with sentimental value about what he meant to you? Those might help too. I had my dad’s wedding ring and my son chose to use it for his own wedding ring when he got married last month. I know my dad really hoped to see my son’s wedding and to become a great grandfather. He didn’t live to see it, but I feel like the good parts of him will live on in my son’s memory even after I am gone. This brings me a lot of joy and comfort. My son did not experience very much of the worst parts of my dad’s dementia. Only the good parts of him being a grandfather.
1. While you say the outdoor area was kept nice, that was your dad. Indoors mom may not have "allowed" him to do things like clean up the counters, do the laundry. She even with dementia thought that was her "job" to do and she may have yelled at him when he tried to do things that she typically would have done.
2. The sticky notes...this may have been your dad's way to "remind himself" that he had to do these things. He may have had some degree of dementia as well. With COPD people are at a higher risk of developing cognitive impairment. ADD to that people that are caregivers for people with dementia are at a higher risk of developing dementia themselves. So your dad sorta had a "double whammy" going for him.
You may not have noticed because
1 people with dementia are for a while very good at hiding the symptoms.
2. You were more focused on your mom's dementia and your dad's COPD and not his cognitive decline.
As to your memories....
You will remember what you want to remember and you will begin to "enhance" what you recall. And those recollections may not be accurate as time goes on.
So if all you are remembering are the clutter, sticky notes, piles of laundry that is what you will remember.
Start remembering:
Thanksgiving dinner and how mom made her stuffing...that you can't duplicate no matter how many times you try.
Christmas when you made that paperweight for dad and he said it was perfect. And you know dad had no use for a paperweight but that is what the teacher made everyone make.
Remember that time dad was mowing the lawn and found that snake that you wanted to keep as a pet...mom was not willing to go along with that.
(Obviously these are not your memories but things along these lines should be what you are thinking about...not sticky notes)
Sure the not so pleasant memories will always be there but what you cultivate will grow.
Again, much of what we allow our brains to do is conscious choice. The mind is very powerful but it is also malleable. There is "plasticity" and we can control it, give it zen-like relief in hobbies and things that bring JOY to us.
I wish you lots of luck. A year of this is enough. Your parents, with their long histories, deserve more. YOU deserve more as well. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you very good luck.
Cognitive therapy seems interesting. After dad died, I did look at grief and trauma therapists and was completely turned off by who I saw as therapists in that specialty locally. I read their bios online and just knew they could not help me. Also, many of them were in their 20's and 30's, and could not have the life experience to even relate. Sometimes it takes more than just book learning and a passing grade in a classroom to understand. I felt that they would have learned more from me. Thank you again.
What got me "out of it" was a friend who spent a lot of time at my house when we were in highschool. One Summer living with us. She reminded me that my Mom was so much more than those last 6 years. They were just a drop in the bucket out of 89 years of life. She had 83 where she married and raised 4 children and my Dad. Friends were welcomed and treated like her own. My GF was not the only one who Mom allowed to live at her home. She smiled a lot. She was well liked.
So think of the "old days". Get those pictures out.
With my mom, I couldn't get her struggles out of my head when she was in the hospital for months. It tore at me so badly that I didn't want to go on. It soon faded, and I remember her in good times and laughter, but it didn't happen right away.
With my dad, he had moved out of state and I would visit. I went to his home and saw the oxygen tank and the piles of dirty clothes. He was in hospice then, but before then, I remember visiting him at his home, and told me the nurse told him he was wasting away. It was cancer. I held on to those images, too and it tore me up.
Both of them remained positive.
This will clear from your head. Give yourself time. I do understand how you feel. It's grieving. (Hugs).
Last week, for the anniversary of her death - I bought some cute picture frames and took some old family photos out of our old photo album ~ and set up a display in the living room.
It's remarkable how happy these photos make me. And I am even enjoying walking in there now, to look at them while remembering better times. With not just my Mom, but other family members who have passed, too. I have a happy spot in a sad room now.
Like your father, both my parents were stoic and independent. My dad is gone now going on three years. My mom died this spring. I mostly live now with a sense of relief that they aren't suffering anymore, plus an eye toward how I can live my life to be worthy of what they gave or taught me. Plus relief I'm not in the exhausting caregiver role. However, when I get a flare up of bittersweet memories from the very hard times (cancer treatment, too long on their own, refusal of help, which gave way to in-home hospice in the end, and so on) I'm caught off guard by those painful details. When it happens, I just try to let the feelings rise up and have their way with me, which usually ends with me in tears for a few minutes at minimum. I don't try to push away the memories but rather let the sadness run its course. I really think we have to not reject the memories but work with them, and it takes conscious effort.
A good book where I learned this technique is by a licensed professional counselor named Tina Gilbertson: Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them. It's an easy and warm-hearted book to read. I'm sure there are other books that teach similar methods. Doing so helped me.
Maybe that sort of approach will help you find a place and/or let the hard stuff be.
For me, I had just accepted a promotion at work & was learning a bunch of new, stuff. Stressful in & of itself. Six mos later, I'm caring for my mom & bro simultaneously. Bro had cancer; then hospice, then passed. Mom w/ dementia; I couldn't tell her her beloved son was gone as I knew it would have finished her off w/ a broken heart. I was both of their POA. I used her dementia & my bro's love of travel to my advantage & said he was on a trip around the world. Sent text msgs "from my bro" to mom w/ pics from his past travels so we could say he reached out to her from his trip (she assumed it was current).
Bottom line: it was the most stressful time of intense juggling I've ever experienced. If I didn't have faith in God, I don't know where I'd be.
After mom passed (now I was both their executors & still doing that stressful job), it took me about 18 mos before I could even start to THINK of this intense period w/out tearing up. It was that stressful; the slightist remembrance of it brought the stress & tears back.
What helped me: I did (and still do) "talk" to them & express gratitude to them. Whatever you need to talk to them about, do it! Try it: say, "I'm so sorry you had a tough time, Dad, but I so appreciate everything you've dome for our family."
My bro was an amazing handyman. When I'm attempting to do something, I will seek his heavenly guidance. I see all the things he did around this house every day & I thank him for that, as well as how he helped so many others. When I'm doing one of Mom's recipes, I think of all the good times making that cake...ask for her heavenly advice on if I did this part right, etc.
Every time you have a sad thought, counter-balance that w/ 2 thoughts of gratitude: it could be talking out loud (when you're alone! :))& thanking your dad for doing all he could to take care of your mom. Little things - you see a little kid riding a bike, think w/ gratitude on how your dad taught you to do that.
You saw some unpleasant things which you can't unsee, but you CAN try to counter those images w/ thinking of all the good things. Remembering funny moments, etc.
Your dad was way more than just those last years or months. Focus on remembering all the wonderful qualities he possessed over his lifetime & how he passed so much of that down to you.
I know that's how I'd prefer to be remembered.
One last thing: I bet your dad wouldn't want you to be saddened about those last couple years. He is in no pain now & no remembrance of it. He only feels love to you & would want for you to focus on the happier times.
Good luck on your journey!
I actually feel as if my mum's death has given her back to me.
Mum had a stroke in 2011, aged 63. It was caused by a bleed at the back of her brain and the resulting pressure caused some brain damage. She never fully recovered to become the person she had been before, and she lost her independence. And I felt that I had lost my mum, long before she died.
Mum developed vascular dementia, linked to the cerebral haemorrhage. The trajectory of her decline was slow and uneven, yet inexorable. She had always been young for her age - bright, fit and energetic - yet she became a frail, little old lady within a few years.
I thought that I would never remember Mum as she was before her stroke. I thought that I would never get over the pain and helplessness of watching her deteriorate over 13 long years.
My heartache was compounded by anger and frustration because Mum's husband thought he was doing the right thing when he did every single little thing for her, from the moment she was discharged from hospital, and wouldn't allow me to help Mum relearn how to do things for herself. I still believe that even if the dementia couldn't have been delayed, Mum would have had a better quality of life if she had gained some independence after her stroke - there was no reason why she shouldn't have been able to.
Yet, a year after her death, I mostly remember Mum as she was before the stroke, when she was truly herself. I have had to work at this.
I think that going through the photos and memories when I organised the funeral and wrote Mum's eulogy helped. But, mostly, I have to stop myself from dwelling on the difficulties Mum and our family endured over those 13 years. I have also had to forgive my stepdad (in my heart, as I would never openly blame him and cause him pain).
This doesn't mean that I make myself forget - I wouldn't come back to this forum if that were the case - but I actively try and think about Mum as she was when she was at her healthiest and happiest. I think that was when she was in her late 40s to late 50s, so that's how I most often think of her.
I don't believe that those 13 years negate the past and the life Mum lived before she became a shell of the woman she had been.
Even now that she is no longer alive, Mum is still the fun-loving mum who taught her children to roller-skate, or to row a dinghy on the lake, or who taught her granddaughter to ride a bike and change a plug, who taught her children to polish their boots like she did in the army, who taught her granddaughter how to fish (because her daughter was too squeamish and her son too easily bored), who organised events for her elderly residents to enrich their lives and encourage their independence...
The COPD and dementia that caused her pain and confusion were not who Mum was, and her last years do not define her life.
I hope that you can come to a similar way of looking at and remembering your father. One advantage I feel you have is that it seems your dad lived on his own terms. That's something to respect and be grateful for.
You do need to grieve. See if any self help books, or online blogs or videos can help you, if you can't access counselling.
You also need to address the trauma so that it doesn't rule your life.
I wish you well.
Just like all those issues, you need to take charge of it – to stop dwelling on the problems, and switch your mind to future and better things. Sleeping tablets are helping me around 2am. Forcing self control in the day (even going to the supermarket) helps when I’m awake.
You don’t want to forget your Dad, and he wouldn’t want you to, but he also wouldn’t want his memory to make you unhappy. See if you (and perhaps your love for him) can help you to get this under control. Love, Margaret
There’s no use dwelling on his last years. it won’t change anything. He was so much more than that.
Next month will be 5 yrs since she passed. My sisters & I were talking earlier this year & realized for awhile now that we weren’t thinking of those things anymore when we thought of her. We were remembering the good things about her & fun memories. It felt really good to realize this. We don’t know for sure when things changed, but we’re very happy they did. Hopefully yours doesn’t last so long. I think ours was prolonged because of taking care of dad & having some stressful situations with that until placing him in MC.
You will be able to put your current memories, worries to the back of your mind. Good memories will replace them. You’ll be able to think of your dad as a carer in a positive way. How loving he was to want to take care of your mom, etc.
Hugs to you!! It will get better.😊