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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Beatty, one of our commenters on Forum recently said "No other solutions will be found if you continue to be all the solutions". I have a feeling I am going to be repeating her advice over and over and over again, and I have never seen it better stated. You are currently enabling your parents in thinking and behaving the way they are, and are doing them no favors. They are very young as age goes today. I am 78 and still do everything myself, home, garden, care, long walks and a lot of hobbies. None of my children live in my area. And if they did I would feel terrible to burden their lives with my needs. You need to sit with your parents and gently explain to them that children grow up and leave the nest, making their own homes, jobs, families, lifestyles. That you will do some few things for them, but that is ALL you will do. That they will need to plan for their present and for their future, which will NOT include dependency on nor living WITH you. You need also perhaps to consider sitting YOURSELF down and figure out what you are willing to do for your own life choices: what boundaries you need to create and maintain, what ways you need to decline doing for your parents in order to maintain their independence while they are able. Consider seeing a Licensed Social Worker or other counselor who is trained in life passage changes to comb out your feelings, and better ways to move forward for yourself and for them.
My SO's parents are 75 and 79. A year ago they appeared to be fine, and then this fall both were not.
SO had lost his job due to the pandemic, the unemployment was running out, and his parents refused to pay him. They are 1 percenters and could but wanted to put it on me (I own the house and pay the utilities) to keep supporting them and their 1 percenter lifestyle on my dime.
In November, I told SO there could be no more of this, and if SO wanted to move back into their house and remain unemployed we would have to adjust the relationship. That or he could get a job, which is what they were insisting upon when this all started.
The job he eventually got pays 2x over what he had before. There aren't any more calls to fix their cat box, take them to the doctors or do their recycling. They ended up paying people for that and thankfully we are going on with our lives.
riguidry, we need more information :) Your parents are very young to be needing someone to watch over them.... what are their health issues? Do they still live in their house, or do they live with you?
What things do you find myself doing for them?
I am also an only child, I had to chance my life style so that my parents could continue with theirs.
Not sure of the details, BUT perhaps some boundaries are in order. What are they doing that you are having problems with?
Calling too much? Ask them not to or don't always answer. Or tell them you are not going to be available after X hour or something.
Asking you to do everything for them? Tell them you would like them to be more independent and offer some suggestions for how they can handle some things themselves.
Your parents seem too young to be so "dependent" on you. Perhaps you're making yourself too readily available to them. Time to set some boundaries. You say that they are capable, so let them do for themselves. If they ask you to do something that you know they can do themselves, then just tell them no, sorry, I won't be able to do that. You might just have to learn how to use the word "NO" more often. Good luck.
I am 71 so right between ur parents. My DH is 74. We own a 4 bedroom home. My DH mows our lawn and I still do the cooking and cleaning, when I feel like it.😊 We have 2 girls, 8 yrs apart in age, the oldest 43. We ask nothing of them. Actually Gson has been off work for a brain operation and I have handled all the paperwork involving Disability and Unemployment since his Mom works fulltime.
Unless your parents have health problems, there is really no need to depend on you. The more you do for them the more you "disable" them. Even if they have some challenges they need to do for themselves as much as possible. You are not responsible for anyones happiness.
Make a list of what you are willing and not willing to do based on what they can't do. If they can do it then they should. If they call you constantly, then u need to tell them to stop. Maybe a check in time like 7pm after dinner but before you sit down to watch TV for the night. One day a week you run errands. Have them make a list of what they need and if not important, it waits till errand day. Boundries. If you don't start now, it will become worse as they age. If they think you should mow the grass, if they can afford it tell them to hire someone. Same if Mom says she needs help cleaning, hire someone. If the house is getting too much for them, then maybe time to downsize. I don't believe in trying to keep parents in their own home at the cost of children being expected to do the upkeep or financially support them because the monthly income they receive no longer covers upkeep. Time to downsize to something they can afford.
I think parents forget what it was to work full-time and then come home to the responsibility of keeping a house up, running kids here and there and carving out some time for yourself. Then ur expected to do for parents too?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I have a feeling I am going to be repeating her advice over and over and over again, and I have never seen it better stated.
You are currently enabling your parents in thinking and behaving the way they are, and are doing them no favors. They are very young as age goes today. I am 78 and still do everything myself, home, garden, care, long walks and a lot of hobbies. None of my children live in my area. And if they did I would feel terrible to burden their lives with my needs.
You need to sit with your parents and gently explain to them that children grow up and leave the nest, making their own homes, jobs, families, lifestyles. That you will do some few things for them, but that is ALL you will do. That they will need to plan for their present and for their future, which will NOT include dependency on nor living WITH you.
You need also perhaps to consider sitting YOURSELF down and figure out what you are willing to do for your own life choices: what boundaries you need to create and maintain, what ways you need to decline doing for your parents in order to maintain their independence while they are able.
Consider seeing a Licensed Social Worker or other counselor who is trained in life passage changes to comb out your feelings, and better ways to move forward for yourself and for them.
SO had lost his job due to the pandemic, the unemployment was running out, and his parents refused to pay him. They are 1 percenters and could but wanted to put it on me (I own the house and pay the utilities) to keep supporting them and their 1 percenter lifestyle on my dime.
In November, I told SO there could be no more of this, and if SO wanted to move back into their house and remain unemployed we would have to adjust the relationship. That or he could get a job, which is what they were insisting upon when this all started.
The job he eventually got pays 2x over what he had before. There aren't any more calls to fix their cat box, take them to the doctors or do their recycling. They ended up paying people for that and thankfully we are going on with our lives.
What do they need help with and how often are they asking?
What things do you find myself doing for them?
I am also an only child, I had to chance my life style so that my parents could continue with theirs.
Calling too much? Ask them not to or don't always answer. Or tell them you are not going to be available after X hour or something.
Asking you to do everything for them? Tell them you would like them to be more independent and offer some suggestions for how they can handle some things themselves.
Be less available.
Make your own plans and have your own fun.
Unless your parents have health problems, there is really no need to depend on you. The more you do for them the more you "disable" them. Even if they have some challenges they need to do for themselves as much as possible. You are not responsible for anyones happiness.
Make a list of what you are willing and not willing to do based on what they can't do. If they can do it then they should. If they call you constantly, then u need to tell them to stop. Maybe a check in time like 7pm after dinner but before you sit down to watch TV for the night. One day a week you run errands. Have them make a list of what they need and if not important, it waits till errand day. Boundries. If you don't start now, it will become worse as they age. If they think you should mow the grass, if they can afford it tell them to hire someone. Same if Mom says she needs help cleaning, hire someone. If the house is getting too much for them, then maybe time to downsize. I don't believe in trying to keep parents in their own home at the cost of children being expected to do the upkeep or financially support them because the monthly income they receive no longer covers upkeep. Time to downsize to something they can afford.
I think parents forget what it was to work full-time and then come home to the responsibility of keeping a house up, running kids here and there and carving out some time for yourself. Then ur expected to do for parents too?