The family member is in danger of falling (uses a wheeled walker and was hospitalized once), has no sense of danger, has no sense of time (we understand this is not unusual), leaves the oven on and refuses the help of an aide; they have sent nine aides away by yelling 'get out of my house'! My family member is due for their annual appointment with their memory care specialist and insists they won't got. (This is a smattering of what's going on.)
Our family does everything for our family member: all paperwork/bills, shopping, laundry, cleaning/vacuuming, appointments, outings, visiting, etc. but due to the changes in the last couple of months, we/they need help.
Is there a point someone (doctor, etc.) will declare she needs to have 24-hr care? If so, when this happens, what do we, the family, do? If we're told she would be best served by living in a community that services folks like them, what do we do? We feel utterly blind.
Our family member needs more help. What can or do we do? (We are not in a position to use an Assisted Living community; there aren't funds available for this.)
Please... Any input is appreciated. Thank you.
She was asset free for decades living off me, and her social security check. I finally had to obtain what is called an elder wavier to pay for her memory care (the county) and her social security check pays for her rent at the place. It is really tough and it has taken a toll on my career and relationships. I wish you the best and depending on where you live their may be social services and or people who can help you navigate the transition into care. In the mean time take care.
As a Registered Nurse, your post has all the signs that you need to intervene now. Your loved one is unable to stay safe - the oven on, the lack of sense of danger... Your loved one is unable to stay healthy - falls, unable to use the walker safely to prevent falls, chasing away caregivers... You want the doctor to tell this loved one that he/she needs 24/7 care. I am telling you she needs 24/7care NOW.
What to do?
1 - Get a doctor's appointment now to determine mental capacity and to rule out other causes of her behavior. Sneaky medical conditions like infections, poor oxygenation, imbalances in blood chemistry... can cause all of us to act in ways like you have mentioned. Since your loved one has these behaviors in the more recent year(s), he/she most likely has a form of dementia. The usual medical doctor can evaluate for mental capacity and break the bad news that this person can no longer live alone.
2 - If dementia is diagnosed, ask for a referral to a neurologist. The neurologist can evaluate, diagnose and treat the specific form of neurological issues your loved one has. In early stages, most forms of dementia can be treated with medications to "sharpen the ability of the brain". In later stages, medications become ineffective and the sufferer must be cared for.
3 - If your loved one can not live alone, there are options:
A - Family/Friends plan - gather a large group of volunteers to help your loved one so he/she is never alone. People can take turns caring her this person in their home or having them come over for a "long visit". Somebody will need to be in charge of calendar. Home health aides can fill in the gaps - just don't allow loved one to chase off the helpers.
B- Home health care at home. Find a home health agency or a couple of live-in caregivers to stay with loved one in his/her home. Given your loved one's anxiety and habit of "running people off," talk to the doctor about medications to help calm anxiety.
C - Long Term Care Facility. Generally, assisted living facilities or senior apartments are for folks that can take their own medications, cook their own meals on a limited basis... meet their own needs. All are private pay. Seems loved one will not qualify for an alf. Skilled nursing facility is usually covered to some degree by insurance. Folks that require this type of care can not remember or administer their own medications or care for themselves. Memory care facilities are for those with later stage dementia issues. Ask the doctor which type of facility your loved one needs. The doctor can help you with next steps. The doctor may also direct you to a social worker who knows the ins and outs of dealing with this level of need.
Back off, let the chips fall where they may.
If need be after you have stopped enabling, call APS. If this person has no money then Medicaid can step in with home help.
Does anyone have the DPOA? If not, this needs to be explored.
Let her fail or accept another solution.
When she does go into a nursing home or memory care facility, the family does not pay for this, the care recipient does. When admitted to a hospital for an emergency, there will likely be a social worker who will meet to discuss financial assistance, such as applying for medicaid if the patient doesn't have sufficient resources.
The reason so many here have advised you to stop doing everything for your family member, is because you are giving them a false sense of independence.
They don't think they need outside caregivers, or to live in a facility specially designed to provide for their needs, because the family will continue to allow them to feel secure living at home on their own.
Unfortunately, for many stubborn elders who insist on living alone at home, it will take a serious life threatening emergency to get them out of the house.
If you are concerned about their well-being, you can install a couple cameras around the house to look in on them.
When the emergency does happen, and they are taken to the hospital, DO NOT take them back home. Ask the doctor to refer to a suitable care facility.
The emergency may be that the person dies in their home. That is not the worst thing that can happen. Many people would rather die in their own home than to live out the rest of their days in a nursing home.
I replied that we are doing what she wanted: she doesn’t want my housekeepers to clean her house. She doesn’t want a companion. She doesn’t want elder meals. She doesn’t want me to grocery shop for her. She doesn’t want home health.
She had nothing to say as a reply.
Another family here waiting for the “BIG EVENT”
Your loved one requires a 24/7 memory care facility or appropriate home care and applies for Medicaid when funds are three months from running out. Care is paid from his/her funds and benefits, not his family's.
It sounds like this has gone beyond homecare, and the patient is ready for placement. Assign a guardian. I would let APS handle this. Call and report a vulnerable adult who refuses help.
Don't quit your jobs or move in with your loved one or move them in with you. It is all downhill for you if you do this. You have to make money for your own social security, pensions and such. Don't spend your own money on things she needs.
the person that has POA is the one that can get the proverbial ball rolling with getting your family member placed in Memory Care
If NO ONE has POA then at this point the Court will appoint a Guardian. It could be a family member or one the court appoints. Being a Guardian is not an easy task and there is a lot of paperwork involved as well as at least yearly meetings or court appearances.
You all STOP what you are doing for this person.
Your report this person as a "Vulnerable Senior with dementia" and is living alone and is unsafe. APS will follow up and if it is determined that they are unsafe and a danger to themselves they will be placed in a safe environment.
You can begin the application process for Medicaid,.
The house they are in will and should be sold to pay for their care.
There is no way that any family member should be supplementing this person by paying for food, housing and other expenses. Anyone that is "helping" is placing their own retirement in jeopardy and the cycle comes around by other family members having to "bail out" another person. It has to stop!