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My MIL has dementia, is overweight and is severely incontinent and yet, the family intends for her to attend her grandson's wedding in another month and a half. She is wheelchair-bound. They have hired a caregiver to help my MIL during the 6 - 8 hr-long church service and reception that follows. It is not clear that the venues are handicapped-accessible. This is all taking place in Germany where the family lives. My husband and I are flying over for the event. I am very concerned about how this will all play out- for all involved. Any ideas about how to deal with this situation?

What's the bigger problem to you, that she's overweight or has dementia?

My grandmother was at my wedding with dementia and incontinence back in 1980. She ate all the butter pats on the table exclaiming how delicious that cheese was. She later urinated on the floor because my mother didn't have the presence of mind to put a disposable brief on her.

What I remember most was that my grandmother attended my wedding. Not what she wore or how her body size looked. The only important thing to both of us was that she was able to attend my special day.

Your MIL has her own personal caregiver to attend to her and to help her with any issues that may arise. Germany has strict, mandatory accessibility requirements for disabled people through the German Accessibility Strengthening Act.

Seems to me the caregiver will be dealing with your MIL, not you, and your concern is related to appearances only. How she will look or act, etc. You don't want her there but she's coming anyway, in other words. Good for her! And her grandson will have the Memory of his grandmother, in all her blessed imperfection, being at his wedding to celebrate his joyous day. Likely one of the last times he'll see her. My wedding was the last time I saw my grandmother, too.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Sounds like the decision is already made. It screams bad idea, yet it’s happening. Enjoy the wedding, keep your distance from MIL and that fiasco, and look the other way
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Here's how YOU deal with this situation: Stay out of it! Don't offer to help, don't worry about what could go wrong, don't try and manage it. Just do your best to enjoy the wedding. Let whoever is planning to bring the grandmother take care of that.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Support the happy couple and be kind to the people who are hoping to include the "overweight demented incontinent" family member in the occasion. (I put those words in quotation marks because I think their use indicates some bias against this individual.)
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Reply to Rosered6
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lealonnie1 Feb 1, 2026
Amen Rose, plenty of bias methinks.
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You are just a ‘fly in, fly out’ for the wedding. Managing the issues is not your responsibility, and not your business. Just stay out of the problems. Problems are possibly in many family gatherings, be glad that you don’t have to manage this one.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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I may be in the minority here but....
This is so NOT your problem.
Unless YOU are being asked to escort her to Germany
Unless YOU are being asked to take care of her
Unless YOU are being asked to change her briefs
If you are upset about this and how it will play out it is your option to decline the wedding invitation and stay home.
Enjoy the trip and the wedding.

I am sure the rest of the family is looking at this as it may be the last time many of the relatives will see "Mildred" and THEY are looking forward to it. If they do not have a clue as to what she will need that is on them and I am sure that is why they are having a caregiver by her side.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Germany is pretty good for handicap accessibility. In any case, it is not your problem. The local family will be responsible for getting her in and out with the CNA.

You are a guest.
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Reply to brandee
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Why is your MIL being overweight an issue that you feel the need to add here? The dementia and incontinence on their own are reasons enough to not bring her to a wedding or on an international flight if such is the case. The being overweight really isn't the issue here. You may not know this but fat people go to weddings. They even have weddings of their own. Some actually work as wedding planners for other people of you can believe it. They also work at all kinds of other employment, live normal independent lives, have homes and families of their own, and contribute to human society in positive ways.

It's not a good idea to bring a demented, wheelchair-bound, incontinent person on a flight, especially one as far as Europe if your MIL has to fly. If she drops a load and the aide can't get her cleaned up there's nowhere to land over an ocean. If the family is willing to do this and have arranged everything, let them do it. Stay out of it.

You clearly have a problem with your MIL. So don't be part of the effort to get her to the wedding. In fact, you should take a separate flight then the one she's going to be on and if that's not possible fly First Class. If MIL, her aide, and everyone else are flying coach you won't have to see, hear, or smell anything up in First Class.

At the hotel, make your reservations on a different floor than where your MIL will be staying. Maybe even stay at a different hotel. Ask to be seated at the farthest table away from her at the wedding reception too. You'll be fine. I'm sure no one in your family wants any help from you anyway when it comes to your MIL, so no worries.

One thing though. Most likely bringing MIL to the wedding is not going to go well. I'm speaking from 25 years in the field of homecare. If you love and respect your family you will refrain from any 'I told you so' or rubbing it in when the plans of having her at the wedding go wrong.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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SamTheManager Feb 2, 2026
One thing I can say is my mom was much easier to deal with during transfers and cleaning her up at 95 pounds than she was at 165 pounds, and it was easier to get her up and down the stairs in her wheelchair when she was lighter. Of course, the only reason mom got down to 95 is because she was getting worse. I would have preferred she remained at her *normal for her* weight (heavier than most drs approved of for her height and yet her diabetes was so well controlled by diet she didn't need meds) even if it was harder to move her around. Gets really tiresome having drs and others assume losing weight is the most important thing and will fix every other problem a patient has.

However, if OP follows your sage advice, they can avoid all of the issues that are sure to arise, and they should make sure everyone involved knows that they are not someone to come to about any of it.
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A lot can happen in 45 days.

MIL has local family that take care of her. They have hired a CNA for the day to be with grandma. The CNA may take her home early.

Your role is simply to show up and be a wedding guest.

Your husband's role is to say hello to his mother.

The local family in Germany is okay with things and the grandson is okay with things. In much of Europe families are more hands on with care than in the US.

Your role is to show up and celebrate the bride and groom.
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Reply to brandee
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At least your MIL has an aide. Your MIL can also leave and go back home when needed.

My in laws were planning on flying to my son’s wedding . It would have been a disaster . They were refusing our plan to pay for and supply an aide and wheelchair etc . My husband and I were willing to pay for these needed arrangements so we could enjoy ourselves . I’m sure one of them would have fallen, otherwise . Last minute they decided they were not comfortable traveling .
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Reply to waytomisery
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