My MIL has dementia, is overweight and is severely incontinent and yet, the family intends for her to attend her grandson's wedding in another month and a half. She is wheelchair-bound. They have hired a caregiver to help my MIL during the 6 - 8 hr-long church service and reception that follows. It is not clear that the venues are handicapped-accessible. This is all taking place in Germany where the family lives. My husband and I are flying over for the event. I am very concerned about how this will all play out- for all involved. Any ideas about how to deal with this situation?
My grandmother was at my wedding with dementia and incontinence back in 1980. She ate all the butter pats on the table exclaiming how delicious that cheese was. She later urinated on the floor because my mother didn't have the presence of mind to put a disposable brief on her.
What I remember most was that my grandmother attended my wedding. Not what she wore or how her body size looked. The only important thing to both of us was that she was able to attend my special day.
Your MIL has her own personal caregiver to attend to her and to help her with any issues that may arise. Germany has strict, mandatory accessibility requirements for disabled people through the German Accessibility Strengthening Act.
Seems to me the caregiver will be dealing with your MIL, not you, and your concern is related to appearances only. How she will look or act, etc. You don't want her there but she's coming anyway, in other words. Good for her! And her grandson will have the Memory of his grandmother, in all her blessed imperfection, being at his wedding to celebrate his joyous day. Likely one of the last times he'll see her. My wedding was the last time I saw my grandmother, too.
Between travel and all the changes in routine, time zone, not being in her own space, It sounds like a lot to put a sick woman through. Hopefully it works out and was worth it for all concerned, including MIL.
However, I read your reply below about how your MIL does not recognize anyone . My sister in law brought her mother to my mother’s funeral . It was upsetting for the woman because she only recognized my sister in law and kept asking where she was and why and she wanted to “ go home “ ( memory care ).
Be sure to treat your anxiety about this situation so that you and others aren’t burdened with your disapproval. Meditation, tapping, medication, deep breathing, exercise can all be helpful for anxiety.
Life happens and most weddings contain at least one snafu. It sounds with the prep for MIL, the ones in charge are well aware. Enjoy your trip.
Are you inserting yourself into a situation in which you are not needed?
Your overall concern is not necessary since other family members have control of the situation or so it seems. Attend the wedding and have a great time and leave the worry behind because it isn't your concern.
If it proves to be too overwhelming for your MIL the caregiver should recognize this and properly remove her from the celebration.
It's not a good idea to bring a demented, wheelchair-bound, incontinent person on a flight, especially one as far as Europe if your MIL has to fly. If she drops a load and the aide can't get her cleaned up there's nowhere to land over an ocean. If the family is willing to do this and have arranged everything, let them do it. Stay out of it.
You clearly have a problem with your MIL. So don't be part of the effort to get her to the wedding. In fact, you should take a separate flight then the one she's going to be on and if that's not possible fly First Class. If MIL, her aide, and everyone else are flying coach you won't have to see, hear, or smell anything up in First Class.
At the hotel, make your reservations on a different floor than where your MIL will be staying. Maybe even stay at a different hotel. Ask to be seated at the farthest table away from her at the wedding reception too. You'll be fine. I'm sure no one in your family wants any help from you anyway when it comes to your MIL, so no worries.
One thing though. Most likely bringing MIL to the wedding is not going to go well. I'm speaking from 25 years in the field of homecare. If you love and respect your family you will refrain from any 'I told you so' or rubbing it in when the plans of having her at the wedding go wrong.
However, if OP follows your sage advice, they can avoid all of the issues that are sure to arise, and they should make sure everyone involved knows that they are not someone to come to about any of it.
A problem they're likely to have with MIL on this trip (out of many) is that airlines are notoriously irresponsible with wheelchairs. You can't bring the chair into the cabin, usually, so they are put in cargo with the luggage. There are multiple videos online of workers throwing the chairs around, even the customized type that are expensive and difficult to replace. Can she walk to her seat on the plane if she is normally wheelchair bound? There is likely to be more than one plane ride just to get to Germany. You should be able to look online at the venue and find out whether or not it is wheelchair accessible.
I think if there is an aide, and you stand firm in saying you won't have anything to do with any transfers or care, etc., you should put your concerns to the side and enjoy the wedding. It's a bad idea but you've been given great advice and permission to stay way out of this situation which is likely to turn into a fiasco.
If you think it might matter, you could compile a list of things that will go wrong during this ill-conceived plot and express it to someone in charge. I'm glad there is an aide, but it doesn't sound like one aide will be enough. When I say "if you think it might matter", I mean if you care about MIL having a really hard time throughout this entire thing and potentially being set back permanently.
It really sounds like the people advocating for this have no idea what is involved and no idea of what it would be like for an incontinent wheelchair bound dementia patient to experience that long of a day under those circumstances, even without the intense travel. I would bring this up one time only and then I would forget it entirely. It is a shame, though, if MIL is not up to this trip and this wedding and they bring her anyway.
Have you heard of caring grandchildren going to grandma's bedside before the wedding, even saying their vows there dressed up in wedding attire, a very short visit, bringing her a treat. So very sweet, the planning and the visit, and filming it.
Or, bringing grandma some cake after, with a video of the wedding, showing her
the ring? If she doesn't remember anyone, introduce the bride and groom anew.
Is the groom your husband's son?
This is so NOT your problem.
Unless YOU are being asked to escort her to Germany
Unless YOU are being asked to take care of her
Unless YOU are being asked to change her briefs
If you are upset about this and how it will play out it is your option to decline the wedding invitation and stay home.
Enjoy the trip and the wedding.
I am sure the rest of the family is looking at this as it may be the last time many of the relatives will see "Mildred" and THEY are looking forward to it. If they do not have a clue as to what she will need that is on them and I am sure that is why they are having a caregiver by her side.
My child is getting married in another country this summer. I don't like to travel, and I'm afraid of flying. If I were planning this wedding, I wouldn't have picked an overseas location. Lots of things could go wrong. I've chosen to focus on supporting my child and her partner in whatever ways they ask me to.
MIL has local family that take care of her. They have hired a CNA for the day to be with grandma. The CNA may take her home early.
Your role is simply to show up and be a wedding guest.
Your husband's role is to say hello to his mother.
The local family in Germany is okay with things and the grandson is okay with things. In much of Europe families are more hands on with care than in the US.
Your role is to show up and celebrate the bride and groom.
You are a guest.
My in laws were planning on flying to my son’s wedding . It would have been a disaster . They were refusing our plan to pay for and supply an aide and wheelchair etc . My husband and I were willing to pay for these needed arrangements so we could enjoy ourselves . I’m sure one of them would have fallen, otherwise . Last minute they decided they were not comfortable traveling .