My parents moved into their ALF about two months ago. Before that, they lived in a condo for 35 years. In the past year, they significantly declined in their health and became very clingy and needy. I am the only child, work full time in a demanding role and also have two children and two grandchildren.It was extremely difficult to make a decision for them to move to ALF in the first place. We looked at several, it was my job to get them go on viewing appointments, trying various at-home caregivers, none of which my parents liked, between taking them to appointments and dealing with two individuals' hospitalizations. We finally found a good and well recommended ALF. My parents sold their condo after great difficulties with buyers, and they moved to ALF they selected There were various logistical issues at the facility once the move happened, as it normally happens during moves and life changes. All those issues were resolved by the facility. Nevertheless, my father decided that he hates the place and now drives me nuts with calls and texts that he wants to buy another condo near me, move there and get an aide to help mom. I refused to have anything to do with that. Their current facility is one of the nicest ones in our area and I am sure that there is no place that my parents will like because being miserable is their default state. They are very fortunate to be able to afford a 2 bedroom/2 bath apartment in ALF but they think it's a waste of money.I asked facility administrator to set up a meeting with a social worker there, as I can no longer mentally and emotionally handle my parents incessant demands- they feel that if they ask for something to be done, it jos to be done immediately. I have my own health issues, which I am managing on my own. The whole reason for them moving into ALF was so that they get help on premises and have people around to talk to socialize, none of which they want to do.Question: is there a way to convince my parents that they stay put? I'm afraid that I will be sucked into an untenable situation if they decide to leave ALF and move back into a condo? My dad is the perpetrator of all this, and Mom has very little sway with him. He is also losing his eyesight, so he has to be driven. I don't think he's thinking clearly, but he insists that he's right in wanting to move out.
No arguing, no enabling.
Repeat as needed.
I was called to take on 2 new clients one Monday morning. I had little to no 'insight' into what was happening--just that an elderly couple had chosen to return home with 24/7 care, of which I would have about 32-40 hrs of shifts.
Arriving at 7 am, I find the wife, wheelchair bound, screaming at her daughter. The condo (they had opted to not sell it, and had been living in a 2 bedroom ALF for a couple of years) was NOT set up for living in. It was storage unit, really.
The wife's health has taken a serious downturn, and she needed to be in more intense care--instead of moving her to a higher level of care and leaving the husband in the apt, or sizing HIM down to a studio, the kids decided to save some bucks and move them back 'home' with FT care.
The condo was hoarded with so much crap. The wheelchair could not fit down the hall to the master bedroom, and the master bathroom was unusable for the woman. The man was content to sit in his recliner and drink beer all day long and pee into his depends. He was able to toilet himself, he just chose not to.
Within the 2 hrs I stayed, I got punched in the face by the wife (she was mad at me for not being able to lift her, single handedly--weighing in at 300+ lbs--it was not possible). After she punched me, she fell to the floor and screamed and screamed. Her DH kept pinching my butt every time I walked past and asked me non stop to get him a beer.
The wife insisted on using the master bath. We finally wrangled her in there (3 of us CG's by now) and before we could get her depends & nightgown off, she exploded with diarrhea. I mean, it was everywhere.
In the 2 hrs I was there, she fell twice. She punched me. She pooped on me. Her DH groped me. The house was a mess and there was no food they could eat there--so my 'boss' told me to go grocery shopping. I refused and said the daughter should do that--she'd know what her folks could/would eat.
This is what a couple look like who won't go to (or stay in!) ALF.
I walked out and quit that company that day. IDK how they worked this all out. They were both requiring FT care, and the cost of that, in home, would have been prohibitive! The kids were upfront about being mad at the cost and that they weren't going to have any inheritance if they couldn't keep their parents in the same room at the ALF.
3 adult kids on board, and while I was there, 6 CG's and we couldn't handle them.
I know for a fact that this is not unusual. Nobody WANTS to go to ALF. And it is sad when they make things so difficult. But at some point, you simply cannot give mom & dad the life they want.
You need to meet with the admins and make a plan--and then you need to step back.
Your parents probably won't/can't be convinced of anything they don't want. Just let them rant and then give them a hug, tell them you love them and then leave.
I watched my MIL slowly go downhill living in her own home. A year it took for her to finally die. And right before she died (a week into her stay at an ALF) she commented to one of the kids that she hadn't really minded being in a NH. Here they had been turning their lives inside out for her and she thought she was in Al all along.
Your folks will adapt or they won't, but they will be cared for at a level that you cannot do on your own.
I gave you that horrible example of my experience so you won't go down that road.
I took action, some of your advice is excellent. I am hoping for the best but not very optimistic. I looked up the gray rock method I actually started using some of the principles this method offers. I do feel tons of guilt over sticking to my guns, it's hard. I don't intend to give up though.
(Grandchildren are a different matter - they are the boss we are all too happy to jump up and serve, aren’t they?!).
Your dad thinks he’ll wear you down, clearly - or he would have moved on to a new plan already.
It has only been 2 months? That’s not enough time to have settled in.
One idea is that you decide how often you’re willing to take these calls. Is it 2 times a week you’ll come by and have a meal with them in their cafeteria? Or do an activity / attend whatever the weekly social is over there? If you are able to drag them out to an event or activity or meal … they may get to talking to somebody else (you can start the conversation - engaging another resident. The other residents are my parents place are all too happy to talk to me, the young person in the room. I pour on the positivity. “I love listening to live music” (or whatever comment is appropriate for whats going on). “I can’t tell you how nice it is to have somebody else have cooked the meal - and decided what to make.” It’s exhausting pouring all this out of myself, but it’s all I can do.
“isn’t the Christmas tree they’ve put up in the lobby beautiful? So much work putting up a big tree like that. And then taking it down and storing everything. We are pretty lucky somebody else makes that happen for us. Should I bring in one of my childhood ornaments we can sneak on a branch somewhere?”
whatever you decide regarding how often works for you to visit or talk … stick to it. None of this is your job. You can’t make miserable people happy … no matter what you do. Show up, spread some sunshine (NOT EASY) and leave until the next time.
1. "This is very poor decision making, and a very bad mistake."
2. "If you do this I will not enable you in ANY WAY. I will not accept your calls; I will not help you shop or make or keep appointments. I will leave you utterly and completely ALONE with your bad decision making, and turn off my phone to your calls. You will call 911 when you need me."
3. Privately I would discuss this with the admins at the facility.
This is really no time to engage in these ugly games.
I do not know if your parents are competent to make this decision. The mere fact your father is considering this likely means his competency has already taken a bit of a hit.
I cannot know if your mother is and always was the puppet whose strings are manipulated by this man.
I would not discuss this with him after the above.
As far as how social they wish to be that's up to them. My brother, before his move to ALF was very monk like and singular in his living. He joined few things, but did join some few eventually. That is up to them, and doesn't really need your input.
The way to convince your father to stay put is to refuse to help him with one single thing. Refuse his phone calls too. Not to be mean, but to put your foot down. Parents have no idea what it's like for us to be only children and saddled with ALL of their nonsense! So we need to be firm and concise and truthful. State what you will NOT do, and then don't do it. A man losing his sight is in no position to live independently and cannot thrive w/o a LOT of help from you. Which you are not available to give hi. You do not support dangerous decisions.
2 months is nothing. Dad hasn't given himself enough time to adjust to AL, although having a 2 bedroom apartment in a nice building is the exact same thing as having a nice 2 bedroom condo, except in AL you get meals, entertainment and assistance. Dad can hole up in his 2 bdrm apt all day and be adjusted in no time. He just loves to complain bc when he rings for service, an aide is not there in 12.3 seconds.
Stand your ground and stop asking How High when dad says jump. When he realizes he's on his own with this lunacy, he'll have to back down.
You do not need to speak to or visit your parents on a daily basis. Block their calls if need be, then you can call them weekly to check in.
Stop all personal assistance for them, let the AL do their job. I hope you’re not being Dad’s chauffeur. If so stop that.
He wants to be totally independent then that is what he has to do, be able to take care of himself 100% that includes calling Uber if he needs to go somewhere, you do not drive him.
If they do not want to acclimate to their new surroundings that is their problem not yours.
Set your boundaries and stick to them, your priority is you and your family.
Sending support your way.
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