Parents don't like their ALF and want to move back into a condo. What to do?

I saw your later post - I'm in the same position as my mom - we moved her to ALF almost two months ago. We sold her condo. Fortunately she's accepted there's no going back. I'm sure if my dad were still alive, he'd be screaming about it.
So similar - she isn't social, doesn't make or want friends, complains about everything - calls the ALF the zoo. She's 95 and I'm done with all of the manipulation and complaining.
I'm letting the ALF folks handle her now and I visit, take her minimal groceries, make sure the bills are paid and I'm dumping the guilt complex into the nearest bin.

If your childhood and later life is like mine, it's been forever scarred by two parents who didn't even love each other and took their frustrations out on you! Just hang in there, do what needs to be done and do not give in to their manipulation.

Best of luck!

2 months is far too early in the move to AL facility to get properly adjusted, even if they wanted to be there. But since your father has needs that cannot be met without assistance, it is NOT prudent for you to help them move out to a condo. Since he sold his condo, he consented to move to the AL facility. Tell your father if he wants to move out, he can do it totally on his own, without any help from you, during or after. Good luck.

Try to push his heart-strings button: tell him YOU feel safer with both of them in a place where they can get help much quicker, can visit with other people, and others would check on them quickly with a single phone call. That you wish you could provide all the care they need, but your role in life is to do what they did at your age - work hard, manage home life and what you are able to do to help both of them. It scared you when they were living in the condo before because you worried about xxx (falls, health problems, etc)

If that doesn't work, just lay it out: You wish you could manage their care in a private home, but working for a living (just as they did) is very tiring. You have to share your non-work hours with children, grandchildren and parents. Having the peace of mind that there are people who could help them immediately should be of as much importance to them as it is to you. Leaving a safe (and very nice) apartment where they have access to care needs makes no sense at this point in their life. He might be right with his reasons to move out - being right just means he doesn't want to be there and that's his opinion. Your opinion is to stay put....Stay for a year and we'll see how health issues are going. AND if they leave, does he know what the going rate is for in-home caregiving???? Check it out and let him know that dollar amount.

You might go there when there will be some activity (especially now with holidays) and take them to the festivities. All of you go out to meet some people and might get them to partake on their own a little.

Block your parents’ calls and texts so they cannot bother you. They require the ALF where you placed them. Contact a social worker or ombudsman to handle their problems since you cannot do it any longer.

I just keep telling my mom she cannot purchase a new place to live and this is the safest option for her. She has been there almost 11 months and now she knows quite a few people and goes to events. She won several prizes at a game last month that she was very proud of. She will miss one tonight because she still has a cold, but I hope when she is better she returns to the group activities. It's important to remember people who want to be miserable want to have company along for the ride. You don't have to be a part of that. You can set boundaries and seek counsel from people who deal with this all the time. For me it was my SIL and a friend who deal with such issues a lot and are doing that well. I visited mom today and she did not mention moving out, but did mention some of the activities. It's the little things that make days brighter even if they won't admit it. I have durable POA, but not guardianship, but have threatened to get guardianship if I have to. If you don't have guardianship you might want to look into it.

Let your father know that you are no longer able to manage their care and if he is unable to work this out on his own and requires someone else to do the work involved, then he is right where he needs to be like it or not.

You don't need to convince your parents of anything.

If being miserable is their default state, let them be miserable. There is probably nothing you can do to change that.

What you can do is protect your own health and well-being with boundaries.
Limit the amount of attention you are giving to this issue. If your father is so bored and in need of attention, he can try meeting people in his new home community to socialize with. I'm sure he is only calling you to have someone to talk to. (Like my dad, who can't spend 10 minutes alone without someone to talk to - even when he's driving. He picks up his phone and starts calling anyone he knows, until someone answers)

Let your father know that you are in no position - that you don't have the time or the energy, or whatever other resources are required to help him move, or to help him assimilate to his new environment. He can find a realtor to help him buy a condo, if that is what he wants to do. He can phone a friend if he needs someone to talk to. He can complain to your mother. She's lived with him this long, I'm sure she's used to it.

Lastly, keep in mind that this is a big change for them, and will take some time to get comfortable with a new situation. Try and have a little more patience and understanding with them while they figure it out, but know your own boundaries and limits, so you don't burn out dealing with their issues.

Stay strong! From one only child to another. You did the right thing! My dad passed away, but he wanted to go home, but realized I couldn't take care of him. I visit my mom daily at her PCH, but she hates living there. It's unfortunate to have Dementia, but we cannot always take care of our parents at their house. When they fall or almost burn down the house, you realize it's best for their own safety to have 24 hour monitoring. I am sorry for your ordeal. Your parents are going to be angry, cry and plead. Just say no.

SeriousinFl: That'll be on them if they desire, plan and EXECUTE leaving the wonderful ALF and purchase a condo as you'll have washed your hands of it.

I hear the complaint frequently from my mother after two years in AL, and I’m sure many on this board do as well. It will never be home, and I fully understand and appreciate that. But it is absolutely necessary in the majority of cases, and they don’t (want to) understand that. We don’t have to discuss how it is also very necessary for the caregiver, who loves them dearly, but is risking their own peace and health in the process. We all need to think we have options, even if we have no intent on doing something. I even wonder, if push came to shove, whether they would have the emotional and intellectual fortitude to go through with it if they could. Most of the AL residents I know are overwhelmed by the vast responsibilities of life. You didn’t say whether your father had the capacity to do all this on his own, or whether he would need your help. If the latter is the case, you could empathize with him but take no action. He might just want to be heard. If he is capable of pulling the trigger himself, it might help to do as I have with my mother and walk through all the details with him, making it clear you work and won’t be able to help at all. There will be the house shopping, the insurances and taxes, the packing, the move, the unpacking, the address changes, hiring help, hiring more help because the first help was awful…you get the point. Hopefully he will too.

Going through this right now with my mom, in AL. She has been there a year. When I picked it out, it met the necessary criteria for her needs at the time, and I had hoped she would like it enough to stay there permanently. She has a one bedroom with a large sitting/dining area and kitchenette and we brought as much furniture from home as we could fit. Five months later, her house was sold. She was in agreement, but very unhappy. She continues to talk about moving "somewhere else", although we know that the same issues will follow her wherever she goes, and indeed new problems might crop up. I have taken the approach of setting a deadline, say "in six months, we can reassess your situation and discuss your options". This has worked, and I am true to my word, we have discussed, but she circles back to the fact that she is now settled in and it really isn't too bad. It also keeps this discussion from happening every time I talk to her, which is almost daily. Time is your best friend in this situation.

Just a story after me and my sister were grown. My parents went in a moving spree. Sold one house and bought another all to keep up with the jones. First went to another house then a country club then a condo then a manufactured home before ending up in an assisted care location. Each one of these moves cost them financially. I guess in the end it was ok because they were just about broke when they passed away. In my opinion each move was a step down in the quality of living. Just a story.

This is simple (to start with) but hard to maintain WITHOUT HELP. I know - from experience - that one person cannot do it all, and shouldn’t have to! You must be straightforward with your parents as to how much you can manage realistically and stick to it.

My aunt refused to leave her home even after she got colon cancer and had to undertake special treatment which required daily care. After sitting for 10 years, she gained so much weight that she could no longer retain caregivers. So a son and his wife, both retired doctors, moved in with her. After a month or so, they could no longer do it either. So they told her she would have to move into a nursing home. She refused, so they walked out. After four days, she changed her mind and asked them to move her into a nursing home where she finally died two weeks later. I say "finally" because she was nearly 100 years old and had lost much of her vision and hearing. She had made the mistake of deciding to live longer instead of accepting death so everyone suffered for 10 years. My husband and I learned from this and agreed not to let the same thing happen to us. It is a selfish act to make your children go through this. So when my husband became ill, he chose death. He was 84.

First, let me say...you did the right thing by putting them in AL. However, many AL's are big con jobs. The salespeople make it sound like it's a cruise ship on land. There are calendars full of things to do, outings, good food, etc. Then after all the trouble and money of moving them in, the residents find that the activities get canceled, the food is bad, it's hard to get a ride to Walmart because the driver is out sick, etc, etc. IF you have the energy, find out if there is a Resident Council and/or a Family Council at the place. If so, have your dad attend. They do have the power to make the place a better place. If they have a Family Council...attend once or twice to see what's going on. If they don't have either Council, you and your dad have the legal power to start one and help make the AL place a better place. It could give him a sense of purpose to get involved.

Stay strong! You did the right thing. My Mom did the same thing, and I took her out. Big mistake on my part. She has been a big struggle ever since.

Your parents are getting the help they need.

If you dad can do all of those things on his own … great! “have at it dad. Let me know what you find for your new condo. And how you hire the movers .. and hire the helper … all of it.” You are not their assistant. You are not obligated to jump at their every whim … just like you wouldn’t jump at the every whim of your children.

(Grandchildren are a different matter - they are the boss we are all too happy to jump up and serve, aren’t they?!).

Your dad thinks he’ll wear you down, clearly - or he would have moved on to a new plan already.

It has only been 2 months? That’s not enough time to have settled in.

One idea is that you decide how often you’re willing to take these calls. Is it 2 times a week you’ll come by and have a meal with them in their cafeteria? Or do an activity / attend whatever the weekly social is over there? If you are able to drag them out to an event or activity or meal … they may get to talking to somebody else (you can start the conversation - engaging another resident. The other residents are my parents place are all too happy to talk to me, the young person in the room. I pour on the positivity. “I love listening to live music” (or whatever comment is appropriate for whats going on). “I can’t tell you how nice it is to have somebody else have cooked the meal - and decided what to make.” It’s exhausting pouring all this out of myself, but it’s all I can do.

“isn’t the Christmas tree they’ve put up in the lobby beautiful? So much work putting up a big tree like that. And then taking it down and storing everything. We are pretty lucky somebody else makes that happen for us. Should I bring in one of my childhood ornaments we can sneak on a branch somewhere?”

whatever you decide regarding how often works for you to visit or talk … stick to it. None of this is your job. You can’t make miserable people happy … no matter what you do. Show up, spread some sunshine (NOT EASY) and leave until the next time.

I am in a similar situation. My mom is in an ALF. Hates it and wants to return to her apartment. I agree with the other posters who said “Do Nothing”. It’s very difficult to do, and the demands will keep coming. You need to stop all of it for your own sanity.

Tell Dad that you will not be able to assist with a move or anything afterwards , as you have your own health problems . Then tell him you will not discuss it anymore. Start ignoring the texts regarding moving out . Let phone calls go to message . Speak when it’s convenient for you , refuse to discuss it and say you have to hang up ( or leave ) .

Dear friends, thank you for all your advice suggestions, comments. Truly is a tough road, for my parents and for our entire family. Your encouragement means the world to me, we are like colleagues performing the same role. Caregiving is not a new phenomenon, children have been taking care of parents for eons,  in other countries, it is cultural.  Unfortunately we do not live in a society where kids have conditions or resources to take care of their parents with various chronic and age related ailments, dementia and Alzheimer's. And our generation is not far behind.

I took action, some of your advice is excellent. I am hoping for the best but not very optimistic. I looked up the gray rock method I actually started using some of the principles this method offers. I do feel tons of guilt over sticking to my guns, it's hard. I don't intend to give up though.

Agree with Alva......If Dad wants to move out and hire full time caregivers for Mom then Dad does everything.

We had an only child in our neighborhood, a guy. His parents were dairy farmers in Iowa. He moved them down to an apartment and got them a golf cart so they could ride to the grocery store.

In their high 90's he moved them to the nicest AL around. Neither liked the AL. They mostly didn't like the food as they were used to a lot of butter and cream on everything being dairy farmers.

At this point they were both legally blind.

The couple (around 100 years old at this point) ending up renting an apartment and moving to an apartment.

I'd back way off and understand sometimes seniors are going to do what they are going to do.

Straight answer? Too bad, so sad, Mom and Dad. Don't answer the calls. Don't do what they demand, and if you do something, you do it on your own time. Stand TALL.

There is no way to convince them because they know best. But you can not enable. Do not assist in any way. Treat the demands from your parents as you would a child, Ignore and divert the conversaion, leave if needed. Do not give in to the demands. A lot of times you need to use the Grey Rock Methods when your senior parents are trying to coherse their child. Look it up and practice the strategies. It truly works.

The only way to become entangled in the situation is if you allow it. Empowerment is essential in this situation

Tell him that he will need to convince you and the social worker that he can manage all the tasks of living on their own. He will need to locate condos to visit, arrange transportation to and from those places to view, arrange for home health care aides daily for your mom... It is a lot of tasks to manage for somebody with diminishing abilities. If he can get it all together and accomplish the move, let him. Make sure you let your dad know that he will have to do this move without your help.

“Let me know your new address. I’ll pop by for a visit after you’ve settled in.”

No arguing, no enabling.

Repeat as needed.

Do nothing. Literally. DON'T BE SUCKED IN. Ignore the calls and texts. Don't visit for a while. Maybe not until Christmas/Hanukkah. If you can have a pleasant phone conversation with your mother, do that once a day. If your father gets on and brings up the subject of moving, or your mother does, tell him/them that it's not possible and you will not discuss it. If they refuse to change the subject, hang up. Day after day after day, until the accept reality. They will adjust if you don't cater to them. You did everything necessary for them. Now let them live their SAFE new life that you worked so hard to give them, and turn your attention to your own children and grandchildren, and make the most of the holiday season with them.

Well, you've convinced me that you made the right decision!

Now for the bad news. You aren't going to convince your dad. You have a life long complaining, entitled, demanding person here and at his age he won't undergo a complete personality change. You have to let them know that your health doesn't allow you to accommodate the logistics of supporting their living outside a facility and unless they can accomplish a move and the aftermath on their own, they are staying put. (They don't have any other children or anyone in a position to help them with this, do they?)

He most definitely will not like it and will let you know in no uncertain terms. You can sympathize with his frustration but you don't have to discuss it at length. Don't get sucked into drawn out, emotional arguments. Look up the term "grey rock". You can block his calls if they get to be too much, or end the phone call when the conversation starts to get repetitive. Or leave if you're there visiting.

Nobody loves losing their independence and ability to come and go as they please. That doesn't give them the right to demand that someone else cater to their unrealistic desires. Difficult as it is, they have to accept "adequate" rather than "ideal". He has a right to his feelings about the situation, you can empathize with that, but you don't have the ability or the obligation to make it all better.

How about this conversation...
"Mom, Dad it is really busy this time of year and I do not have the time to help you search for a condo. Maybe after the holidays and we are into the new year things will slow down for me so I have some extra time"
Now let the other shoe drop.....
"I have told you that I am real busy at work and I do not have a lot of time. I can give you 1 day a week to help you out running errands. If you move into a condo I am not going to be able to drop everything and help out. In the ALF where you are they have a van that will take you to the store, take you out on day trips, you have a hairdresser here and lots of activities. You won't get all that in a condo."

Are you POA? If so is it "active" are you making decision for them or has a doctor said they are not competent? If they are competent technically they make this decision on their own. But you do not have to help them. They must make ALL the arrangements you refuse to be involved.

I used to work in Elder Care.

I was called to take on 2 new clients one Monday morning. I had little to no 'insight' into what was happening--just that an elderly couple had chosen to return home with 24/7 care, of which I would have about 32-40 hrs of shifts.

Arriving at 7 am, I find the wife, wheelchair bound, screaming at her daughter. The condo (they had opted to not sell it, and had been living in a 2 bedroom ALF for a couple of years) was NOT set up for living in. It was storage unit, really.

The wife's health has taken a serious downturn, and she needed to be in more intense care--instead of moving her to a higher level of care and leaving the husband in the apt, or sizing HIM down to a studio, the kids decided to save some bucks and move them back 'home' with FT care.

The condo was hoarded with so much crap. The wheelchair could not fit down the hall to the master bedroom, and the master bathroom was unusable for the woman. The man was content to sit in his recliner and drink beer all day long and pee into his depends. He was able to toilet himself, he just chose not to.

Within the 2 hrs I stayed, I got punched in the face by the wife (she was mad at me for not being able to lift her, single handedly--weighing in at 300+ lbs--it was not possible). After she punched me, she fell to the floor and screamed and screamed. Her DH kept pinching my butt every time I walked past and asked me non stop to get him a beer.

The wife insisted on using the master bath. We finally wrangled her in there (3 of us CG's by now) and before we could get her depends & nightgown off, she exploded with diarrhea. I mean, it was everywhere.

In the 2 hrs I was there, she fell twice. She punched me. She pooped on me. Her DH groped me. The house was a mess and there was no food they could eat there--so my 'boss' told me to go grocery shopping. I refused and said the daughter should do that--she'd know what her folks could/would eat.

This is what a couple look like who won't go to (or stay in!) ALF.

I walked out and quit that company that day. IDK how they worked this all out. They were both requiring FT care, and the cost of that, in home, would have been prohibitive! The kids were upfront about being mad at the cost and that they weren't going to have any inheritance if they couldn't keep their parents in the same room at the ALF.

3 adult kids on board, and while I was there, 6 CG's and we couldn't handle them.

I know for a fact that this is not unusual. Nobody WANTS to go to ALF. And it is sad when they make things so difficult. But at some point, you simply cannot give mom & dad the life they want.

You need to meet with the admins and make a plan--and then you need to step back.

Your parents probably won't/can't be convinced of anything they don't want. Just let them rant and then give them a hug, tell them you love them and then leave.

I watched my MIL slowly go downhill living in her own home. A year it took for her to finally die. And right before she died (a week into her stay at an ALF) she commented to one of the kids that she hadn't really minded being in a NH. Here they had been turning their lives inside out for her and she thought she was in Al all along.

Your folks will adapt or they won't, but they will be cared for at a level that you cannot do on your own.

I gave you that horrible example of my experience so you won't go down that road.

SeriousinFl, say this sentence over and over until it feels comfortable to say to your parents "I can't possible do that". Oh how I wished I had done that with my own parents, it would have cut down on a lot of stress.


What happens is that our parents still view us as still being in our 30's and 40's with a ton of energy, instead of someone who is also a senior citizen or close to it. Even waving my Medicare card and AARP card didn't faze them.


I wished I would have put a stop to all the "driving" as I really hated to use their vehicle "yes, it was my father's Oldsmobile", I felt like I was driving a dining room table down the highway. Eventually I started to get major panic attacks, so I don't want you to go through that.


It will take time for your folks to realize, if at all, they are currently in the right place. They are lucky to have a 2 bedroom 2 bath apartment as most Assisted Living is so much smaller. My own Dad was so happy in his senior living facility, especially the food, and being able to call maintenance if there was a problem (instead of trying to fit it himself), plus being around people of his own age group.