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It was years to convince them to move. We found an AL 2 hours away and got them moved. They refuse to participate in activities. It's 3 meals and otherwise sitting in chairs. We visit once a week and call frequently. Dad expects me to handle everything even though he is of sound mind. Mom not so much. Husband is 68 and does physical work. He needs to retire. My parents have been retired since their late 50's. We planned to sell our home and move but feel this guilt at leaving them. My brother lives far away and barely calls. We just set up our own plan with an elder law attorney so our child and spouse do not have to deal with this. I do have POA's. I think we need to set a date to retire and move. Guilt is our issue though we have done everything possible to make them happy.

You are not responsible for their happiness. You have done your best to get them where they need to be. It's time to retire and move where you want to. Give the facility your contact info and make plans now for what happens when they need the next level of care. You need to it be a more or less seamless transition from AL to memory care or skilled nursing facility when the time comes. If they refuse to participate in activities that is not your fault. My mom was complaining about being bored, but I see on her MC's Facebook page that she does participate in various activities and has a good time when she wants to. If she doesn't, that's up to her. We can't make them stop sulking or force them into activities. They are free to be bored and unhappy if they wish, but that's not our fault. You also need to set boundaries. If when you call all they do is complain let them know you need to go, but will call again. If they ramp up the complaining, call less. I hope your move and retirement go well.
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Reply to JustAnon
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I read your post and honestly, it sounds like you’ve done everything you could for your parents. Moving them closer, finding a good place, staying involved—none of that is easy. I can understand the guilt, but I also think you and your husband deserve to live the life you’ve worked for. Wishing you both the best as you navigate this next chapter
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Reply to TenderStrength5
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Why feel guilty because they are stubborn and petulant? They are safe and their needs are taken care of. If they choose to sit and stare at walls, that’s their choice. Tell them you’ll be leaving and not able to take care of things in person anymore. They can use the facility staff or hire people for things like getting them to appointments. They can have whatever they need delivered. Go and enjoy your retirement!
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Reply to MG8522
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”Make them happy” is a common wish on this forum. Of course we want to see people we care about be happy. What I learned from my dad was with age the losses of abilities, family members, friends, and health, all add up to make whatever happy was pretty impossible. We will all get there one day. Accept your parent’s unhappiness and lack of interest. Expect their health and mental acuity to decline, have a plan for your involvement then. POA duties will continue from wherever you move unless you choose to resign as such. You and hubby deserve a retirement, don’t spend it in guilt over things you can’t change or fix
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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I think if you make your retirement move you'll be able to find some peace after it's done. Your parents have had their own long retirement together. They are safe and cared for. If you're truly worried about them consider hiring an aide to drop in on them to make sure they have what they need.
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Reply to ElizabethY
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THINK ABOUT THIS:
When your parents were lucky enough to retire in their 50's, were they spending their retirement years taking care of their elderly parents? I doubt it.

What exactly were they doing so "exciting" at their home before going to the AL? It is their choice to not participate in the activities.

You need to plan YOUR retirement now. You have already spent enough time and energy on your aging parents. You aren't going to get the time you spent babysitting your Parents back! If they get upset, remind them they got to retire early and enjoyed many free years to do what they wanted (until they got too old).

Now it's your turn. You cannot prevent them from getting old. None of it is your fault, so why feel guilty? They are is a safe place with all they really need.
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Reply to Dawn88
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Two hours away is not sustainable if your parents need more care, more of your time. It can get costly for your drive, and husband needs to retire. Retirement does not look like driving two hours to accommodate aging parents, not a caregiver, no no no. Staying tied to this situation will not have a good outcome.

Consider what long distance careers do-they hire an additional aide to check on them, encourage them to go to activities-even go with them, drive them places etc.
It can be accomplished.

Since you will be 1500 miles away, don't spend any thought time on guilt,
you will be too busy planning your and your husband's life!

Congratulations on your impending move!
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Sendhelp 14 hours ago
Carers (Caregivers), not careers.
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Agree with everything said here. Don’t postpone your retirement. The good news is they ARE in AL now so you CAN move ahead with your plan. Maybe they will wake up and help themselves more when you are even less available. Try to let go of the guilt and start the next chapter of your life. Don’t waste any more of your life. Your time is precious, too.
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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I appreciate all the kind words and encouragement from everyone. It has been a hard 3 years or so and having them safe is a great relief. Getting their house in order to sell was a monumental task but we did it. Money is in their account to pay for AL.

Once hubby retires in the next 12-15 months the clock will start ticking on the move. We plan to spend a year or two enjoying our northern home and then building a southern home. There will be no going back once he retires and the plan has to be executed. A lot can happen in that time... We hope to have the strength to get it done.

Again, thank you for the thoughts and ideas and most of all, encouragement. I am in agreement with you all and have never lacked the guts to do the hard things - except this. It is very final in many ways.
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Reply to seriously123
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Hope21 16 hours ago
Congrats!!! I pray you have peace, joy and FUN in your “new” life together!

AND, please say “NO” to the guilt. My dad moved in with us right after my mom died (cancer diagnosis, covid still prevalent and facilities on no-access, finances, etc). Since then he has suffered so many health issues, losses of additional loved ones (including my younger brother-completely unexpectedly), decline in all senses and mobility and fine motor, etc etc etc. Although I have gone crazy trying to be a good companion to him while my husband was at work, find activities and opportunities for socializing, taken him all over, etc—he is still unhappy. It’s taken me almost six years of guilty feelings and sleepless nights and praying my heart out to realize I have no control over this. I am not God and don’t have the ability to return his old life to him. I cannot replace his losses. Like Daughterof1930 said, sometimes all that life pushes on us makes it just too hard to rekindle the joy when you are old and tired. All we can do is what we can do as loved ones (And you have! My dad would have really benefited from AL, health issues and finances just got in the way until it was too late. Now more LTC stage.). Trust that now it is up to them to live as they will. Respect that that is their choice. We cannot make our parents (or spouses, friends, kids, etc for that matter), think and feel and respond and live the way we expect, dream, hope, desire them to. Hopefully they will adjust and accept and find things to enjoy in their new place. Please don’t carry any guilt or negative feelings with you. Blessings to you and your husband!
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It's actually a good thing that your parents are willing to hand control to you, get busy setting up online banking and business and government accounts and establishing your authority as financial power of attorney, pretty much all of it can be handled remotely.
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Reply to cwillie
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Are there bus trips ( big tour bus )at this facility? If so, maybe they may participate in that.

Tour bus type trips are pretty popular for young and old ( fun and enjoyable too)
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Reply to Beedevil66
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You need to put your husband first. Your parents are being cared for. Whether they go to activities or not is their decision.

It’s very hard not to feel guilty but try to let go of it. This situation is not your fault.

Your staying around is not going to make them any happier. Old age is not a happy time.

Good luck to you. And your husband.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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Your parents have been retired since their late 50s, which is now over 30 years ago. How have they kept themselves occupied for those 30 years? How much input have you put into keeping them happy and occupied for 30 years? You have “done everything possible to make them happy”, and that may be the problem now. Perhaps you think that they now have what they need, while in fact they have learned to rely on you to provide a live entertainment life to watch.

If you have had a major input into their lives for many many years, why would they think it will stop now? Perhaps this is a situation where sessions with a counselor could really help. It’s going to be hard to convince them to take responsibility for their own ‘reason to live’, and a third party to talk it through might help. Perhaps the AL might have a reputable (“tame?”) counselor who can help them to see that they now need to put their own lives first, and make the best of what they now have.

Just remember that you can always walk away. You don’t have to pick up on “guilt”, whether or not you have done anything “wrong” in the past.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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