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My brother moved them in to assisted living and I need surgery so was not there. I live in a different city. They beg me multiple times a day to come and get them and are saying horrible things about my brother and that he has lied to me that this is what they need. I cannot get any peace and am ready to crack up. My parents were narcissistic awful parents to begin with, but I am a decent person to others. Yet my horrible childhood has now come back full force with these demanding, selfish people screaming at me multiple times a day that I must come and "undo" what my brother did. Help!

THANK YOU EVERYONE! That was my post, and I have not yet figured out how to respond to all of you for the sage advice. Fortunately, I did ignore the calls at a certain point yesterday and I did speak to my brother. Today is a new day, and If it starts up again, I will not answer the phone. It feels good to know that I did the right thing - and I am not going to allow myself to be set up for continued abuse.
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Reply to Meerkats
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Beethoven13 Nov 19, 2025
Good job!
(1)
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If your parents were really and truly able to change their situation, they could do it without anyone in the family assisting them. Just like any other adult. They obviously aren't able to get on the phone and the internet and take care of all the transactions involved in relocating themselves, so they are right where they need to be. You don't have to be the conductor of their lives.
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Reply to BlueHeron
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BurntCaregiver Nov 19, 2025
Well said, BlueHeron.
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It will last exactly as long as you let it. They have no intention of stopping, so it is time you block them on your phone. Tell them clearly that your brother is in charge and that you have nothing to say or do in any of this. Tell them you are ill and further intrusion by them will result in your blocking their number.

Then follow through.
No one can protect you from your phone, as you well know, but yourself. I am sorry to be so brutal but if this is something you don't already know, then the only way you will hear my knock at your door is if I really bang at it. You are ill. You are an adult. You are responsible for NO ONE else's health or happiness, only yours.

Your POOR brother. My heart goes out to you both.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Boundaries. Find them. Defend them. Your parents will be enraged by them, but that doesn't matter -- the boundaries are for you to defend, not for them to respect (because they won't). If you don't figure out your boundaries then you are volunteering for the mistreatment.

Don't anywer any calls or messages they leave if the tone is nasty or demanding. This is called extinguishing a behavior. Only respond to them (at some future time of your choosing) when they are polite and civilized. Maybe they are no longer capable of this, but this isn't your problem. You aren't responsible for their happiness.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Another vote for not answering the phone.

Your parents are mad at their situation, so they will take it out on you. And your brother. They need someone to blame. Dementia brings out the worst in people.

Things might actually be fine at the assisted living. In fact, if you or your brother haven't received a call from the facility with concerns about your parents' behavior, I'd say things already are fine, and they have settled in.

Please remember that your brother did the right thing. As others have said, your parents are getting 24 hour care--that is the best possible outcome for them.

Please silence your phone or block them temporarily and visit when you are ready. Please take care of yourself.
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Reply to DaughterofAD3
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Block their phone numbers and walk away in peace. Not just temporarily, but permanently. Stop wasting your time and emotional energy on them. Spend your decency and sympathy on your brother. Also, please consider seeing a therapist or counselor to help you recuperate from the trauma they they inflicted on you in your childhood and have reignited now. Seriously, you don't owe them anything.
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Reply to MG8522
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Watch the Surviving Narcissism videos on Youtube. They helped me a lot. Stop answering the phone. You need to take care of your own health. I didn't even have voicemail active for years. Mom would just call and scream at me. I blocked her. Now I have found a way to have boundaries and I visit her when I want to. Right now I'm at the beginning of a 10 day "vacation" from mom. I circled the date on her calendar for the day I will return. I did the same thing last month. Will again next month. She is well cared for and I need the break. As long as your brother is in charge, don't feel any guilt for not handling this issue. You are not required to be at their beck and call. Also, look into counseling with someone familiar with NPD abuse. Check out the book Boundaries. I hope your healing, both physical and emotional, goes well.
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Reply to JustAnon
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This will last until you stop taking their phone calls.
Silence your ringer, block their number, or change your phone number.
Delete any voice mails without listening.

There is no problem here that you need to fix for them. Obviously, they are where they need to be. If they don't belong there, they can simply leave. If they are capable of moving somewhere else to their liking, they are free to do so.
If you were to "come and get them", where would you take them?

If you don't want to completely cut ties with your parents, you can call them, at your convenience, and as soon as they start making unreasonable demands, tell them the conversation is over and hang up. You need to establish and protect your own boundaries. No one else will.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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You are not required to answer the phone when they call. You can’t let their mental illnesses be in charge of you. The only result for that is chaos, as you are experiencing.

you are not even required to return every call and you aren’t required to call them back the same day.

you are allowed to turn your ringer off or put your phone on do not disturb.
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Reply to southernwave
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This is all on you. As long as you entertain them and take these calls they will continue. Having surgery...block their calls for 1-2 weeks while you recover. Very simple solution.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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