My father (80) has advanced dementia. My mother (78) was healthy and is his caregiver. They live 2 hours away from me. My mom was just told that she has bone cancer in her jaw bone, her Dr. was able to get her into a specialist better suited for the cancer near me in a much bigger city. I moved out of their house when I was 18, I’m 53 now and staying and visiting with them is hard when more than 24 hours. The issues have nothing to do with dementia, just personality differences with my mom especially since my dad can no longer play a role in the relationship (I’m also an only child). My house is not tiny but is VERY open not a lot of privacy anywhere. We do not have a course of treatment as of yet but do know it will at least require part of her jaw being removed so their stay will not be short when we get to that phase. I guess I’m just asking of anyone has had a similar circumstance and how did you navigate ?
If they do not have any legal docs available for you to access their finances and sell off assets, you should also consult an elder attorney.
I, strongly, encourage you to look into a facility for them.
You need to work and there will be no way for you to work and care for a demented dad and a sick mom, it's unrealistic and to be frank, so unfair and selfish that she would even ask.
Please DO NOT do this, it will wreck you; body and soul.
I would present it as, "Mom you are going to need lots of care, Dad already needs lots of care and I need to work, there is no way that we can do this. You and Dad both need a good, strong advocate and living together under the care requirements will leave me too wiped out to be anything good for any of us."
Be prepared to face F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt) from her. You have to remain strong and stand up for the reality of the situation. There is NO WAY you can do this alone. It is okay to say this will not work, no you can't come, even if you already agreed. Learning how say no to our parents is a challenge but, you are no longer a child under their command.
May The Lord give you strength and guidance to get them into the appropriate care situation and to be able to stand up for what is fair to you.
End of day you need to look after your own health and wellbeing as well. I think you should seek professional help for your mother.
Reading your responses, I think that all agree, this is more than you should attempt to take on. You cannot now imagine how difficult this is going to be. Encourage your parents to enter care in your vicinity. You can always tell them that this is a "temporary until mom is healed". That will not rob them of hope. But I suspect this will be a permanent move.
My worry for you is that the time factor is going to make you AGREE to do something you already know isn't doable at BEST, and this, trust this old nurse, is in no way going to be "the best".
I am currently dealing with a cancer myself, and at 82, I can tell you in all honesty I am HAPPY for my daughter that she doesn't live here. You get sucked in, slowly or quickly, and before you know it you are circling the drain.
Remember, Scampie here is a caregiver by profession.
Don't do this. Once you get roped into it with a mom fighting an illness you will feel beholden to hang on trying to do the unadoable.
Don't do this.
Dad can be placed in a memory care unit where he will have access to twenty- four hour care. Employees in these facilities work in shifts. If you take this on yourself, you will be on call twenty four hours and seven days a week with little to no downtime.
Mom can go to a rehab after surgery if all else fails. If and when she decides to return home, a social worker can set up home care services in the home. Aides can drive and accompany mom to chemo treatments, run errands, pick up meds, light housekeeping, grocery shopping, laundry, help with showers and such. Aides can sit with the client for companionship. If she decides to stay in the facility, she will become a resident of that facility. The medical staff will see to her receiving treatments and proper medical care.
I did caregiving for my mom and younger sister, and trust me it took years off my life. If I didn't have that caregiving situation to deal with, I probably would have sought out a better job and had a much better retirement. I was a young caregiver in my early thirties. I didn't have time to properly date or meet eligible men my age. My jobs were mainly panic picks to keep food on the table while I wrestled with college. My daughter would tease me and say that I acted like I had pms every day. Now that's bad. It is hard to manage several lives and problems on top of your own. I got the gray hair to prove it.
Please do not take on a situation you KNOW will bring you chaos and misery. Believe me when I tell you you'll have a TON to do for them in managed care as it is w/o having to also deal with them usurping your peace at home. Having a safe haven to return to where you can sleep in peace is priceless. The dementia alone will rock your world, and not in a good way.
Best of luck.
He will get the care that he needs 24/7.
If possible in the same facility if there is Assisted Living for mom. She also would have 24/7 care if and when she needs it.
This would not place the caregiving burden on you. You will have your hands full as a Care Manager for both of them.
side note...my Grandma had the same type of cancer 60 + years ago. My dad was caregiver for her (his MIL by the way), my mom had died and Grandma was "helping" to care for my sister and I. I can tell you even from the perspective of a child (me) the recovery was tough and there was no rehab nor PT or OT way back in the olden days.
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