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My parents moved from very far away to 3 miles from me in spring 2022. My dad had FTD and my mom was barely coping. He passed two years later. I arranged 90% of everything to do with the move and drove them and their dog — who also passed a while later. I did the house hunting and sent all the pics and videos to my mom. She had a long list of things she insisted needed to be done to the house before they moved in and I got all of them done. One thing she did NOT mention was the 3 steps to the front door and the 4 steps from garage to door inside house were not going to work for her. (The house has zero steps once you get inside.) I was surprised because the previous house was on two levels and she did use the staircase every day there (maybe 15 steps) but the staircase was narrow with walls on either side and handrails on both sides and somehow she made it work. Anyway, they moved in, she was still using a cane at that point. She freaked out about the 3 steps to the front door, and within a day or two, my husband installed a metal ramp — with handrails on both sides— next to the steps for her to get up to the front door. It was fine for four years. About a year ago, she switched to a walker and also voluntarily gave up driving. Then recently, she said the ramp was fine for going down, but going up, there was a moment where she felt unsafe transferring from the handrails of the ramp to her walker. My husband again offered to do what he could. She insisted that it be cheap, quick, and nothing be done to drill into the concrete. So he put two posts on either side and attached them to posts in the ground. She said it was fine (but has not tried it). Then last week, the landscaper said to me he thought the posts weren’t secured properly. He offered to quote on improving it. This exacerbated my anxieties and I felt like it really needs to be ADA compliant. She is really opposed to any further changes or fixes. I just dont want to be responsible if anything should happen. I realize there is a high chance she could fall any time, anywhere. (She hasn’t actually left the house in almost 6 months). She does use a walker and has lots of grab bars and nightlights and I have removed throw rugs. She also refuses to have any other changes to the bathroom. She also refuses to do physical therapy or see a doctor or therapist. no dementia that I know of. I appreciate your thoughts on what do I insist on getting estimates or just drop it.
I think this is worth insisting on getting someone involved who can make sure her ramp is ADA compliant. Or at least, compliant with her needs. Your mother can refuse all she wants, and let her. But, don't give in to her stubborn refusal to make any changes.
I question whether the landscaper is qualified to do the job. I would ask him what experience he has. He could really screw things up more if he is not qualified.
I just finished a course on falls and fall risk. Your mother is only going to get weaker and less stable on her feet. At some point, probably trading in the walker for a wheelchair. And, she will need someone to help her up the ramp. Every Time. If her budget allows, you could get her a power wheelchair, or scooter.
She should have a chair in the shower, and someone to help her. Even if she does not need help with showering, someone should be standing by, ready to help her if she can't stand up or needs help drying her lower legs, or whatever, just for safety. That is the most likely place for her to lose balance or slip or not be able to stand up again.
What a good point! My dad’s PCP said that besides slipping, people often fall in/out of the shower because, he said, you can go in and sit on the shower chair feeling strong and clear headed. But, the heat of the shower lowers your blood pressure. You stand up to get out, become dizzy, and can fall. Never realized that!
You’ve done an amazing job for mom, and dad too. Mom is coming to the event that forces change. Maybe sooner, maybe later, but it’s coming. For my dad it was a fall that left him on the floor for many hours, unable to get up or get help (his life alert pendant was on the charger) Meantime, don’t modify anything else. Let the landscaper mind his own thoughts. Remind yourself this is all out of your control and go do things you enjoy. I wish you and mom both peace
If she leaves the house at all it will likely be with you, right? What we have done is purchase a transfer chair (it’s a foldable, lightweight wheelchair available on Amazon, at Walgreens, etc), and I take dad into and out of the house in it—using a metal ramp on our few steps. Something to think about.
Yes, she needs someone to help her so in theory, this could work great, thanks. She might resist but it’s worth keeping on the list of options for sure. My dad had one of those when he was in hospice.
Suzy, I could feel your anxiety pulsating through your written words, so I will start with just saying...please take some deep breaths and calm down. You obviously are a worrier which gets you no where except to rev up your anxiety. You and your husband have gone above and beyond to make sure that your mom has what she needs to be kept safe and is able to live on her own, and to maintain her sense of independence,which I'm not sure she really is when you have to prop her up. I'm just saying, but it is what it is for now anyway. I guess it doesn't hurt to get an estimate if it'll make you happy, but it doesn't mean that you have to change anything going forward. If your mom's not leaving her house anyway, does it really matter that her posts may not be "ADA compliant"? And if something does happen to your mom while she's living on her own it by no means will be your fault, so again...just stop and take a few deep breaths and relax.
I would let it go. Mom hasn't left the house in nearly 6 months anyway, so why bother? I feel like your mom needs Assisted Living, in reality, and it's only a matter of time before she needs to move anyway. Everything she "refuses" will be the reason she falls or loses what little mobility she has left, and that will likely take away her power of choice in remaining independent. You might want to remind her of that.
Thanks, Lealonnie. As you would guess, she has refused assisted living and also gotten rid of aides too. You are right, sooner or later something will happen to force the issue.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Your mother can refuse all she wants, and let her. But, don't give in to her stubborn refusal to make any changes.
I question whether the landscaper is qualified to do the job. I would ask him what experience he has. He could really screw things up more if he is not qualified.
I just finished a course on falls and fall risk. Your mother is only going to get weaker and less stable on her feet. At some point, probably trading in the walker for a wheelchair. And, she will need someone to help her up the ramp. Every Time. If her budget allows, you could get her a power wheelchair, or scooter.
She should have a chair in the shower, and someone to help her. Even if she does not need help with showering, someone should be standing by, ready to help her if she can't stand up or needs help drying her lower legs, or whatever, just for safety. That is the most likely place for her to lose balance or slip or not be able to stand up again.
I don’t understand or agree with a lot of her choices, but given she’s of sound mind, I will respect them or at least move on and not dwell on them.
i can see these things so much more clearly when other people post 🤣
You obviously are a worrier which gets you no where except to rev up your anxiety.
You and your husband have gone above and beyond to make sure that your mom has what she needs to be kept safe and is able to live on her own, and to maintain her sense of independence,which I'm not sure she really is when you have to prop her up. I'm just saying, but it is what it is for now anyway.
I guess it doesn't hurt to get an estimate if it'll make you happy, but it doesn't mean that you have to change anything going forward.
If your mom's not leaving her house anyway, does it really matter that her posts may not be "ADA compliant"?
And if something does happen to your mom while she's living on her own it by no means will be your fault, so again...just stop and take a few deep breaths and relax.
Best of luck to you.