My parents moved from very far away to 3 miles from me in spring 2022. My dad had FTD and my mom was barely coping. He passed two years later. I arranged 90% of everything to do with the move and drove them and their dog — who also passed a while later. I did the house hunting and sent all the pics and videos to my mom. She had a long list of things she insisted needed to be done to the house before they moved in and I got all of them done.
One thing she did NOT mention was the 3 steps to the front door and the 4 steps from garage to door inside house were not going to work for her. (The house has zero steps once you get inside.) I was surprised because the previous house was on two levels and she did use the staircase every day there (maybe 15 steps) but the staircase was narrow with walls on either side and handrails on both sides and somehow she made it work. Anyway, they moved in, she was still using a cane at that point. She freaked out about the 3 steps to the front door, and within a day or two, my husband installed a metal ramp — with handrails on both sides— next to the steps for her to get up to the front door. It was fine for four years. About a year ago, she switched to a walker and also voluntarily gave up driving.
Then recently, she said the ramp was fine for going down, but going up, there was a moment where she felt unsafe transferring from the handrails of the ramp to her walker. My husband again offered to do what he could. She insisted that it be cheap, quick, and nothing be done to drill into the concrete. So he put two posts on either side and attached them to posts in the ground. She said it was fine (but has not tried it).
Then last week, the landscaper said to me he thought the posts weren’t secured properly. He offered to quote on improving it. This exacerbated my anxieties and I felt like it really needs to be ADA compliant. She is really opposed to any further changes or fixes. I just dont want to be responsible if anything should happen.
I realize there is a high chance she could fall any time, anywhere. (She hasn’t actually left the house in almost 6 months). She does use a walker and has lots of grab bars and nightlights and I have removed throw rugs. She also refuses to have any other changes to the bathroom. She also refuses to do physical therapy or see a doctor or therapist.
no dementia that I know of.
I appreciate your thoughts on what do I insist on getting estimates or just drop it.
Your mother can refuse all she wants, and let her. But, don't give in to her stubborn refusal to make any changes.
I question whether the landscaper is qualified to do the job. I would ask him what experience he has. He could really screw things up more if he is not qualified.
I just finished a course on falls and fall risk. Your mother is only going to get weaker and less stable on her feet. At some point, probably trading in the walker for a wheelchair. And, she will need someone to help her up the ramp. Every Time. If her budget allows, you could get her a power wheelchair, or scooter.
She should have a chair in the shower, and someone to help her. Even if she does not need help with showering, someone should be standing by, ready to help her if she can't stand up or needs help drying her lower legs, or whatever, just for safety. That is the most likely place for her to lose balance or slip or not be able to stand up again.
I don’t understand or agree with a lot of her choices, but given she’s of sound mind, I will respect them or at least move on and not dwell on them.
i can see these things so much more clearly when other people post 🤣
You obviously are a worrier which gets you no where except to rev up your anxiety.
You and your husband have gone above and beyond to make sure that your mom has what she needs to be kept safe and is able to live on her own, and to maintain her sense of independence,which I'm not sure she really is when you have to prop her up. I'm just saying, but it is what it is for now anyway.
I guess it doesn't hurt to get an estimate if it'll make you happy, but it doesn't mean that you have to change anything going forward.
If your mom's not leaving her house anyway, does it really matter that her posts may not be "ADA compliant"?
And if something does happen to your mom while she's living on her own it by no means will be your fault, so again...just stop and take a few deep breaths and relax.
Best of luck to you.