Her 95 year old partner can’t cope with her falls and infections. It’s the best place for her but she’s so angry that he didn’t marry her and is not taking any financial responsibility for her. She refuses to engage with others in the home or participate in the activities and is becoming more inactive and angry sat in her room. Her anger comes my way because there is no one else and although partner visits regularly, she doesn’t tell him how she feels. I live 200 miles away so only visit once a week. Will she settle given time? How can I help with her anger. I’m exhausted!
If she opts to not participate in the activities that her care home offers that is on her not you, although I might suggest that when you do make your weekly visit that you go with your mum to some of the activities to show her what fun she's been missing. Just a thought.
Sometimes just letting her vent can help ease the pressure for you both.
You don’t need to visit once a week only to bear the brunt of her anger. Object to her treatment of you and cut down on your visits. That would help her to make friends, which would take the heat off you. No need to coddle a senior brat!
In short, this is worth grieving.
Let her know you are grieving WITH her and cannot imagine how painful all of this is.
Let her know that none of this was done out of evil intent, but to insure her safety.
Give her time.
And most of ALL, do not take on responsibility for her happiness. This is not a time of/for happiness. Happiness is going to be happening less and less as more and more losses come.
I am so sorry. And when you think of it, that's all anyone can say to her about this.
Do you know for sure that she isn't engaging with the fellow residents or in the activities? Sometimes they are actually doing okay but exaggerate their misery to their family members. Family members become a trigger for their negativity. If she isn't sharing her anger with her partner, maybe she isn't acting that way with her neighbors either. Just you. For which you have my sympathy. It's very common, unfortunately.
Definitely ask about a mild anti-anxiety med. She has a zillion emotions right now and can’t really process any of them. So it comes out as rage. Meds are meant to soothe, not sedate.
Speak to medical and ask fir their advice - she’s not the first resenting care
end of day if you explain her health needs professional care which you aren’t able or qualified to give so whether you decide or the law you would be moved to ensure your health is taken care of properly and that you’re safe
If she doesn’t accept that there really isn’t anything that can be done except limit your visits or duration fur your sanity sake or namesake calls
and if she doesn’t accept the call then that’s her choice
surely tho- the home could arrange for one of the residents to say hello to her and bring her a cup of tea and biscuit? Or you visit and see who will join you and introduced them
?
maybe more can be done on that side.
Has she enough of her personal stuff around her
Stop visiting her so much, 200 miles is totally inconvenient for you. Make phone calls instead. Mom will eventually settle down and face her own reality she accepted and lived with for years. She still has her Partner visit, so she has not been totally dumped.
Let her pout all day and be a senior brat. You didn't make her become old, start falling and get infections. This is real life as we age. It's not easy for anyone. You cannot work miracles.
Perhaps you should stop accepting this as “anger” and look at it as something for the doctor to treat with drugs.
She feels comfortable expressing her anger to you.
Give her time to settle in where she is. And when you do visit or call, YOU set the tone of the visit, and when she starts in with an angry rant, you tell her you are done with the visit, you don't care to bear the brunt of her anger, and hang up the phone, or walk out of the room. You are "training" her how to treat you. After a few times of this, she will start to get it.
If her partner would visit less often, she may start to participate in activities at her care home, and make friends there. She's obviously angry with him, and I can understand she's old, weak, and feeling discarded. Let her have her unhappy feelings - it's not a happy time in her life. Give her some time to adjust to her new surroundings. Hopefully, she won't carry that anger with her to the grave.
Don't reward bad behavior. Allowing her to dump all over you is rewarding bad behavior. It's not healthy for either one of you. Abraham Lincoln said 'Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.'
So that your drive time isn't wasted, talk to your mum's doctor about medication to tamp down her anger and depression. Check in with the care home's staff for feedback on how she is when you're not there. A move is challenging at any age, but even more so for the elderly who are set in their ways.
I wouldn't feed into this nonsense. When she starts complaining, excuse yourself and leave.
She's angry because she is in a care home? Where else do people go when they are not in some sort of home at this age.
She's there for her own safety, but try to convince her of this. Shaking my 🤕.