Yesterday afternoon, with her son and best friend at her side, my mum took her last breath. It was peaceful and she was surrounded by love.
I had stayed with her from Thursday afternoon until that Friday morning. Then, I felt I needed to go home and rest, but I stayed away too long.
I said to myself that Mum was waiting for her son to be with her, but I know that's just one of the many lies we tell ourselves to feel better.
I am talking myself round to stop feeling bad about little things like that, and I know it will get easier with time. What I can't quite understand is why I feel a little numb.
I sobbed when I went into the bedroom and saw that Mum was gone, and I have cried a few short times since, so it's not that I feel nothing. What I can't reconcile is that everything just feels normal. There's no difference between the world without Mum in it from how it was with Mum in it.
I can't see the ripples where she slipped beneath the surface. It's too smooth, too quickly.
I don't want Mum's passing to be dismissed, as if she had never been and never made a mark on this world (my world). Is this a usual reaction? Will I ever feel this important moment more fully?
Allow yourself time now to grieve your mum however you see fit. And more importantly take this time to be good to yourself. Your mum would want that for you.
God bless you.
You put it so beautifully: the stunning finality. I am actively trying to remember all the good, and how Mum was before the awful stroke that changed her so profoundly. You've given me hope that I will do so. :)
As for your question I absolutely think you will, you still have a lot to process and wrap up
With my dad it was a few weeks after. I was getting dinner ready, cutting vegetables, the kitchen TV had hubby's favorite show on . The Rifle Man, very old show , black and white. Mark is the son, he started playing and singing the song, Green sleeves, a beautiful old song, that my dad played on his fiddle all the time. Well I suppose you don't need any more words to know , that the water works started and was a few days till I was able to stop them.
Things are going to be ok Mia , rest assured.🙏😔
Your memory of your dad in that moment was beautiful. :)
It is normal to feel thankful that the suffering is over, it is normal to not feel the profound loss right away, it is normal to question if what we are feeling is normal. You will be okay and, you are your moms legacy, she left you and that means her life will live on in you, your brother and your children.
May The Lord give you strength, peace and comfort during this new season in life.
That's exactly what I'm afraid of, Daughterof1930. I have told my mum's husband that there should be a wake after the funeral (he doesn't see the point), as I feel we need to share the memories of Mum and celebrate her life. My daughter is taking that in hand for me - she's much better at talking her grandad round:)
Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
I think that's a lovely thought, that Mum could see how much she was loved in her last moments. I can understand how you felt with your mum. And I agree, how we treat people in life is important. :)
I ended up in counseling and now it has been almost two years. Time is a wonderful healer. I am able to understand the circumstances better without the raw grief (yes..,and the feeling of guilt). I can rationally look at all I did do and forgive myself for not being perfect (perfection is impossible).
Numbness is normal. Grief will come and can affect you in so many ways. I would be fine one minute and crying the next, for no reason. Sleep soundly and then have a restless night. Take one day at a time.
I will take your advice and try to take this one day at a time. Thank you:)
We're all strangers here, sending good thoughts out to others and giving support to people across the oceans. I am grateful to everyone on this forum for all the wonderful messages I have read to others which have also given me strength over the last few months.
I hope the same for all of you, as you have wished for me: peace, strength and acceptance. Xx
she said it happens all the time. They just need to see that one person and then let go. When family members say "why are they still here" she will ask if there is someone who can't be here. They say yes, but they live far away. She tells them, get them on the phone to say goodbye. The phone is put up to the dying person's ear, the person on the other end says goodbye. The person then passes sometime later.
You could have gone to the bathroom and Mom would have died. My Moms friend was being discharged. Her daughter left the room for a few minutes and when she came back, her Mom had passed.
My brother couldn't get there until Friday, but the district nurse expected Mum to pass by Thursday, at the latest. So, perhaps she was waiting for him. I was glad he could be there.
I was told by the Hospice Nurse that death can be a private thing and if they want no one near they will wait until someone has gone to get a glass of water, go to the bathroom or take a phone call. She even told me that a person will ask for a glass of water or something in particular so the person has to leave the room.
That is the way your mom wanted it.
As to the "ripples" ... Wait.
You will see ripples when you have her wake and funeral. The number of people that you may not even know will show up. Your mom touched each one of those people in some way. And the number of people that she came in contact with that never knew her, And if you take that a step further, each person YOU have come in contact with has been effected indirectly by your mom since she influenced you.
I am sorry for your loss.
Here are 2 quotes I keep by my computer and I share them pretty often
"Grief never ends.
But it changes
It's a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness
nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love"
and
"Crying is a way your eyes speak when your mouth can't explain how broken your heart is."
Thank you for your thoughts on the ripples.
I think you did a lot of grieving before Mom even died . You were expecting it to happen . I think it’s a lot different when someone suddenly out of the blue dies .
It may become more real in a bit of time . Everyone’s grief experience is different . I felt the same way . It became more real during and after the funeral was over and I cleaned out Moms AL . Then there was adjustment to life without visiting Mom .
I don’t know that you would feel any less numb if you had been there for her last breath . I wouldn’t overthink it . The grieving will happen the way it happens . There is no right way to feel .
I know my father waited for my brother to finally come . Dad rallied for the day , eating his first meal in days , slipped into a coma the next day . I stayed with him , he waited until I left and he was alone to pass away.
Thank you for helping me gain a better perspective.
I agree that you are never totally finished with grieving a big loss, but time and doing your work of grief (which includes tears) softens it considerably. You may find you live your life around your grief for the first year or two, then your grief fits around your life.
May God bless you at this difficult time.
Mum was such a big part of my life, I really couldn't understand how I wasn't feeling the hole where she was. I am now trying to take it a day at a time, as I was advised above.
Last thing, give yourself some time and space. The time after a death is usually very busy, crowded with tasks and people. Wait until this hard time passes to see “the ripples where she slipped beneath the surface”. They will be there for the rest of your life.
That’s what it was like for me too.
PS Most mothers miss the baby's first breath too (it's at the doctor's end of the proceedings). The life is what matters.
I also feel numb and like this world is too "normal" and quiet. I really thought when my dad died that such a significant and poignant moment like that would certainly create a hole so huge in this world that it could not function. Something would go amiss, or there would be an odd power outage or string of thunderstorms, but no.
I think it is too much for anyone to process all at once. It hits us on every level and is a shock. I think it will just take time, and we will work through it at our own pace. Maybe if the world did not stop, perhaps somewhere in our psyche we stopped to pause and sort through it all.
Take your time. Whatever you are feeling now or not feeling is OK.
Also, for what it is worth - regardless of whether we were by their side when they passed away or not, I think what matters most is that we were there for them in their life. How we showed up for them, supported them in the final days, and during all the years we had them when they were healthy is really the best stuff.
I agree with you about us all finding "support, love, and encouragement". I appreciate the kindness and wisdom, even the straight talking, that I have found here.
stage 1 - denial = that feeling that this loss hasn't happened.
stage 2 - anger = feeling slighted or that you were denied something in this loss: more time together, a proper good bye...
stage 3 - bargaining = feeling that if I do _____, it will make things better.
stage 4 - depression = feeling sadness that this loss is permanent.
stage 5 - acceptance = able to accept the loss and not fall apart, but move on with your life.
I had heard about the stages of grief, but didn't know what they were. I suppose we all go through something similar, in varying degrees.
You were there for Mom.
Blessings to you.
Do not feel guilty about your choice. I don’t know how long your road has been, but you sound burned out, and overtired. Don’t worry about feeling nothing; it will come when you are ready. As the ones who must go on, we need to do what’s best for us. We’ve put them first for so long. Their battle is finished, they have found their peace, and thank God for that.
Thank you for your insights, Monomoyick.
I hope that you found peace after losing your loved ones.
As it turned out the night she died I only stayed for 4 hours and then decided to leave early. I had a feeling she might die that night but I just couldn't sit there anymore. When they called to say she had passed I felt sad I wasn't there but relief that she was finally at peace.
In retrospect I know nothing monumental would have happened had I been there. In fact I think her soul had already left long before her body did. She knew I loved her while she was alive. That's what is important
There is no right or wrong in these situations Mia. Be at peace.
I'm reassured to find that this is a normal reaction and won't, necessarily, last.
In fact, your moniker has triggered one of those moments: a memory of Mum singing "I'm nobody's child". I don't know why - it just came to me.
I'm trying to stop looking ahead and just living in the moment, for a while, taking one day at a time. I didn't realise before that it wasn't in my nature!
The grief will come.