Hi everybody, I'm 64 and my mom is 88 and lives alone in a house 5-6 hours away (depending on traffic). I have no siblings and my mom's third husband died 3.5 years ago.
After he died I really stepped up my caregiver role and have taken over her finances, frequently communicate with her medical team, etc. But her daily caregiver needs are handled by state-funded workers that come in for a few hours on weekdays.
My mom calls me as often as several times a day sometimes; it's about 50/50 neutral or good stuff vs. complaints about her doctors, etc.
I settled into a visitation schedule of staying at her place for a few days every two months, since it's such a long drive. I try to be "pleasant" while I'm there, but it's physically and emotionally tiring for me, since she often has a bad attitude. She struggles with some health problems which I'm sure is part of it. Anyway, I'm usually happy when I get to leave on the third day.
My wife of 36 years left me about 1.5 years ago and I was emotionally devasted for a while. I since found a girlfriend who's the brightest spot in my life right now. However she lives about 2.5 hours away and we spend a couple days together every week or two.
My mom thinks I should prioritize visiting her over my girlfriend. I last visited my mom for a few days a month ago to celebrate Mother's Day and she thinks I should come back again this weekend (a month earlier than usual) to celebrate Father's Day (my kids are grown and live far away, so I won't be with them).
My mom became furious when I said I had other plans with my girlfriend this weekend. She was yelling at me about how I don't care about her medical problems and I put my needs before hers, then she hung up on me.
Even before today's angry call she's always trying to "probe" for information about how often I'm visiting my girlfriend, which she uses to get angry with me about later. She thinks that if I'm visiting my girlfriend every 1-2 weeks, I can make the 5-6 hour drive to her house more often than every 2 months. She seems jealous that I have a girlfriend competing for my attention, but angrily denied that when I mentioned it on today's heated call.
I've encouraged my mom to consider moving to a senior apartment facility in my city so I could visit more easily and more often, but she wants to stay in her house.
So I would appreciate any viewpoints on what's reasonable for my visitation schedule with my mom, as well as setting expectations, etc.
Thanks!
Mom doesn't appreciate nor benefit from your visits and should be informed of that, and let know that you don't wish to visit because your visits clearly do not help her and do not help you.
To me this is a no brainer.
So your mom will be unhappy?
Sounds like that's her default setting anyway, so what's new?
You deserve to set your own boundaries, spend time with your mother on your own terms. She is not in a position to dictate how you spend your time, or to demand more of your time and attention, not any more than you are willing to give.
You have already presented an option to your mother that would allow you to see her more often, and she has refused.
And stop telling her about your girlfriend, if it makes her jealous and angry.
She's trying to start a fight, which is a manipulation tactic.
Spend more time with your girlfriend, the bright spot in your life, and less time with the emotionally abusive mother.
So this is a pattern with Mom thinking she should be #1. Remind her that she would see more of you if she moved nearer. I would cut her calls down to once a day. Tell her you will call about 7pm, lets say. After dinner and before you sit down for the night. My DH called his Mom every Sunday. She lived 15 hrs away. We saw her 1x a year before we retired and 2x a year after we retired.
"I've encouraged my mom to consider moving to a senior apartment facility in my city so I could visit more easily and more often, but she wants to stay in her house."
Mom made her decision. It's time for you now to make yours. My daughter is your age. Just now retiring and she and her hubby have many plans they waited and saved a LIFETIME to do now while they are well. They have this two decades or so, if they are lucky and stay well, in which to see the country, travel, hike, enjoy their freedom.
It would be horribly selfish of ME, as their octogenarian Mom/MIL, to rob them of this, don't you think? I do. To be honest, I couldn't live with myself if I did so, and I raised my daughter to know better than ALLOW me (or anyone else) to do that to her.
You have decisions to make. They come with hard TRUTHS. You will have to tell your mother those hard truths if you choose to make a good life for yourself.
Or choose NOT to, and to let the girlfriend escape like sand through your fingers while you get on with long distance caregiving.
This choice is YOURS. You are likely putting it off because it takes courage to be truthful with elders who have raised one to be slaves, to give up their own happiness, to throw themselves bodily on the elder's burning funeral pyre.
I wish you courage, and a life. It's your single chance at having one on this earth. And it is ALL IN YOUR HANDS. There's no one on earth who can do it for you.
You decide how often you visit Mom , not Mom .
There is no obligation to visit Mom on Father’s Day. You simply say “ that week does not work me “. You do not have to explain any further. Do not encourage Mom to move closer .
That said, why on earth would you even tell the woman you have a girlfriend??? Now SHE wants a boyfriend. At 88. Don't do a thing to arrange that, and clam up about your love life. In fact, "break up" with the gf.
Tell mother you're too busy to take the ridiculously long drive any more but once every FEW months, or 4x a year. Unless she moves closer to you, that's the way it goes, sorry/not sorry.
I told my mother the absolute least info about my life possible lest she turn that info into arrows to shoot into me. She'd do it every time because manipulative people want and expect Proof of Love constantly. But once they get it, it's no longer enough, so you're then sucked into their vortex of neediness until your entire life is usurped.
Live life on YOUR terms now and keep mother in the dark about how you're going about it.
Stop any and all info on girlfriend. I am surprised she is even interested except to see who gets more of your time. My father never cared to hear about my personal life.
If she gets nasty tell her that you did not make her old or ill so she needs to stop blaming you. You are doing what you can, but if she doesn't think it is good enough she can find someone else to help her. They often count on us not talking back as in the parent/child role. Time to start telling her how it is.
I had to get my priorities straight, I have to put me first, husband, mom. It's just the way it is. Not to sound horrible, but my mom had her life, she had a great retirement, and was stealing mine. You're mom needs to learn to take a back seat, or move to an AL. You deserve to have your own life, just as I deserve my own life. You need to set down boundaries, and by the sounds of it a lot of them!! And stick to them!!
I'd put girlfriend before mom because considering what you've told us, mom's not going to give up trying to be #1 woman in your life. She won't do what you'd like to make your visits easier. She's unpleasant to be with. And why you'd continue this whole charade with mom is beyond me when you have a girlfriend who (presumably) is pleasant, cares about you, and is not trying to make your life hell.
Agree with mom that you are putting your needs first and that her medical problems are only marginally interesting to begin with. Sign her up for a seniors' dating app, and hope for the best. She can't yell at you if you don't let her. It's called hanging up. Or not answering.
I'm a senior mom. I'd never do to my kids what your mom is doing to you. Time to give a final yank on that umbilical cord and bury it.
(Update: As I write this, she called me to "apologize" but proceeded to claim my girlfriend "must be talking bad about her and trying to drive us apart". That's absolutely ridiculous and I've never give her any reason to think this. She hasn't even met my girlfriend yet. She used to say this kind of thing about my ex-wife too. Anyway I'm not going to give my mom any more intel on my girlfriend).
She has expressed an interest in dating but I am not sure how to proceed. I haven't been successful in getting her to use technology. I bought her a Jitterbug smartphone a few years ago but she couldn't use it. I found it wasn't responding properly to her touch, then did some research and found it's actually a known issue that some senior citizen's skin is too dry. So we tried a stylus and that didn't work for her either.
As I write this, I'm thinking maybe we can try an iPad or even bigger Android tablet with a stylus for her to use a dating app.
I've also encouraged her to go to more senior events to possibly meet men in person. She can be charming and tends to make friends easily.
Big props to you for never wanting to do this to your kids. I feel the same way in that I would never do this to my own kids either.
Thanks again, and have a great day.
“She was yelling at me about how I don't care about her medical problems and I put my needs before hers, then she hung up on me.”
You didn’t make your mom old or lonely and it’s NOT your job to be her entertainment.
She can want whatever she wants just like I might want to be queen of England. Guess what? Nobody cares what I want lol, just like “so what who cares” about how your mom thinks your life should go.
Also, tell her what I told my MIL when she complains she is lonely and her house is a mess— “ma, we are doing what you want us to do. We offered to pay for a companion and you said no. We offered to send our housekeeper to your house once a week and you said no. We are doing what you want.”
She was quiet after that and had no reply.
Yes, limit her calls and guard your information. See your girlfriend as much as you want.
Once she raises her voice, you tell her that you can tell she is in a bad mood so you will talk with her another time. Then hang up as you ended the call.
Don’t call her for a week if she angrily hangs up on you. Don’t reward bad behavior.
I would start by limiting your calls from her. Tell her that you are now too busy to talk daily. Choose the days you will call her (3 times a week?). She can leave a message, but you won't answer unless it is your scheduled call time. If it is an emergency, you'll respond, otherwise you'll talk on your scheduled day.
She isn't going to like this but you need to be firm and stick to the plan if it is going to work. You can remind her, "mom, you aren't my girlfriend, this isn't a competition. I'm not changing our visitation schedule. If you don't drop it, I'm hanging up." It is VERY important that you do hang up when she doesn't stop. And if she harangues you in person, leave. Literally get up and leave. Be prepared for screaming and crying and drama, but you need to be the adult.
I strongly suggest you find a therapist to help you with this. Your own divorce and sense of loss fed into this bad cycle and it could hinder your new relationship. You might be also dealing with a person with NPD or some other unhealthy mental health issues. A therapist can help give you tools.
Good luck!