She is finally in the nursing home, and now I just can't go to visit without a panic attack at the thought. Any ideas on how to manage?

2 years of utter hell. When my FIL died, it became clear in about a week she wouldn't be able to stay alone. We sold our house and found one we thought would be perfect. Had a MIL addition already in place. Little kitchen, a bathroom already set up for a seat in the shower built in, living room and a nice bedroom. Had a stair lift so she could enter the main house and join us any time. Even found a place full of lily beds for her to putter in (her favorite). Perfect right? A month in, I fell into hell. She was perfectly capable to walk, just refused. She was difficult and nasty before, but dear god above it went into overdrive. She came down once - and from there demanded to be waited on. Esssentialy lived in her bed screaming and cursing at me. Doctor even threw up his hands and flatly said, in front of her "I can help many things. Pure meanness I can't." Less she did, less she could do. Screaming, even would poop on the floor to demand it get cleaned up. She has and had medical issues, but to her a stubbed toe was her leg being amputated. Screamed, cursed and as her health DID decline, and more help was truly needed would be so nasty she actually managed to break 3 of ~my~ ribs and rip up several muscles to the point I still have to do PT. It was hell. Pure utter hell. The kind of hell that made me tell my husband, flatly and truly, I wouldn't have married him if he hadn't been adopted, thank God. Those genes should never go on.

She refused to move SO much, and just laid around SO long, she managed to get a bedsore that slowly resulted into a major HOLE in her back, all nicely mersa filled. I just can't comprehend that. My family either dies at 40 or lives to 100 while still out in the garden working. To honestly render yourself bedbound on PURPOSE is.... insanity. After a long and truly miserable period, it all collapsed. My health is toast. Stress so bad and issues so hard, I actually am now epileptic. The kind of seizures that result in losing a few days after waking up in the hospital 3 days later. The kind that have yanked my driver's license forever. And the horrible thing? There is a silver liner beyond my desperate dreams. I can't care for her anymore.

We finally got her into a nursing home and are in the middle of THAT paper mountain. They had to move her twice because she was so nasty to roommates. To the point she would actually just scream for HOURS if she didn't get her way. (No embellishment. 7 hours of unrenting screaming because she was mad. I brought flowers to the nurses the next day and considering also dropping off earplugs and rum.) She is in her own room now and we are trying like hades to get her settled. She in on the slow slide down now, going from completely okay to nasty and screaming then to a weird quiet confusion. I understand what she does now is, well. The long groove of behavior is the default slide. It's not her ~fault~ really, but she is as mean as she was when I first met her son and she was 'fine'.

I have to go to the home. Things need done. It's the right thing.

But there is a major, full on, massive panic attack each time I have to get into the car to go. The doors of the nursing home feel like I'm walking back into hell to be eaten. I honestly don't know how to deal with this. I would be utterly happy to just send a check and never return. My poor husband... she was nasty and abusive his whole life. He's an only child, her family ghosted the second we got thru to them they were NOT going thru her house and taking what they wanted, it all had to be sold to take care of her. Her husband is dead, and the people that were once her friends are out because of her behavior while she was 'fine'. It's just us. I know it's the right thing, I gotta go, we still have to be involved.

But what do you do when you honestly dread your elderly MIL? When you know she will scream and curse at you, walking in is just... hell.