My mother has been in memory care since March 2025. However, she always loved church and I would really like to take her back. She hasn't been since she moved into memory care. While she won't be able to follow along, she does still get a lot out of the music. Any thoughts?
You can certainly try it out once but just be prepared if she now does not love it, or struggles to decompress from the break in her routine after she returns home.
I have an amazing friend who started coming to our small, growing church 20 years ago. She is an ordained Lutheran Pastor and was deeply involved in her own ministry and our church affairs and activities. Then she developed memory loss. She is now 83 and in MC, but volunteers from our church attempt to bring her every week. She went through a paranoia phase where she was telling anyone in our church she spoke to that our Pastor was trying to oust all the "old guard" elders (of which she was one). It created great distress in her. She has passed through this phase and seems to have stopped having that delusion, but will sometimes talk at inappropriate times during the service.
Also, with memory loss, one has to ask themselves if their LO is actually getting much benefit from the activity if they don't retain the experience. I don't have the answer — I think it is case by case. If your church livestreams the service, maybe enjoy it from the convenience of her facility with her.
I am curious. When my brother was in care they had services often on Saturdays and Sundays? I am assuming this is not the case at all where your Mom is.
I think it may be a mistake also to take Mom where some don't understand she has dementia and where they know her and have expectations of it.
We like to think that we can provide a meaningful link to the lives they used to have, and that would be great if it worked that way. But it doesn't always. If you're up to handling the problems that can ensue when she has no idea what you're doing or why you're there, go ahead. But please realize that there comes time when you can no longer take them anywhere. Their facility is their world, they get frightened when they are removed from it, and sometimes it sets their cognition back, which is disastrous.
When he was still living at home, I took my husband to his usual doctor in the usual office, and he needed a bathroom. I took him to the public one in the lobby, he didn't understand what it was. So I arranged with the nurse to take him to another bathroom in the back near the examining rooms. I went in with him because he coudln't manage his pants by himself. As soon as I tried to pull them down, he started screaming. In his mind, in that place, I was doing something that no one should ever do to someone, never mind that I helped him in the bathroom at home all the time. I immediately got him out of there and drove him home, fearing all the while that he'd poop in the car. Just a little thing, but it created havoc for me and made me realize I never should have taken him there and couldn't take him anywhere anymore.
Why not ask the church as part of their elder ministry to send a small group or choir members - 6 or so - and their pianist to her MC to perform for mom and her fellow residents? My husband's MC has such groups often. They also bring communion for those who want it.
Let her listen to some of her favorite hymns on her radio, Alexa, or the like in her room.
Generally they stayed for the music at the beginning. If Mom got antsy they
would leave early sometimes before the sermon LOL.
Mom really loved the music and people would come up and talk to her.
We probably took her to church up until midstage.
Towards the later years caregiver and Mom would leave before the sermon.
There really was no downside. Mom really loved the music. She liked seeing the children and people would come up to talk to her even though towards the end Mom could not talk back.
I went sometimes with Mom by myself and left the caregiver at the house.
I never once saw the congregation upset that Mom had visited. I do remember leaving a couple of times with Mom before the sermon as she got antsy.
Several of Mom's caregivers mentioned to me that they found the congregation to be welcoming to them.
I believe Mom and caregiver sat in the rear of the church in case they left early.
By contrast, taking Mom to the Dr, now that was a challenge and we had meltdowns in the waiting room. Sometimes we had to go back out to the car and wait in the parking lot.
By the time they are in Memory care, they really should not be taken out of what is familar. In my Moms AL, they had a lay person from the Catholic Church hold a service every Sunday. Mom knew the lady and I asked if Mom could be included in the service even though she was not Catholic. Not sure if it ever happened. I would check and see if this is done at the MC.
My mom loves seeing people so I think that plays a huge role why she is fine with being in loud or hectic environments.
It really all depends and only way to be sure is to try.
She might just enjoy hearing everything, while from the comfort of her room.
I suppose it depends on the person and how her Alzheimer's brain processes and responds to stimulus, but for some with compromised brain function and confusion, a trip to church could be overwhelming. All the people, the faces she may or may not recognize, the amount of time spent sitting. Her mind could wander and she could suddenly want to get up and leave. She could speak out, laugh or cry at a non-appropriate time.
If she enjoys it, bring a recording of church to her. Check with the pastor, some church services will post a recording on YouTube.
I expect sometimes they act inappropriately out of anxiety. They know they can't behave like other people, sometimes they are probably afraid of rejection My mum had a meltdown at a restaurant where her sister had invited us and I did take her away and everyone was very understanding but really when I think about it, we probably could have stayed if "I" didn't overreact and get too conscious and be more loving and less judgy. I mean my mum drives me to despair , she started swearing and becoming really unpleasant, but next time I may try to give her a hug instead of getting even more angry than her. I guess that sometimes, it's really not worth the hassle but I think that other times it really is worth doing something different and certainly enjoyable
If it doesn't work out, some networks show Mass; her church may also broadcast online.