My elderly mom fell down a week ago and was admitted to the hospital for surgery as her flesh was peeled off. After multiple surgeries for wound cleaning and skin grafting, she is now insisting to go home. But my family won't be able to take care of her fully for 2 weeks as required by my hospital. We are thinking of sending her to a senior care hospital where there's nurses but she's refusing. Today she called and asked me to lie to her doctor that I can take care of her at home. I refused and she ended the phone call in anger.
Should I have helped her? All I want is the best care for her. We are unable to hire someone at home to help either as her apartment is small.
Sorry I'm ranting from this point onwards... feeling so hurt and helpless as she implying that I'm unfilial and not following her wishes. She loved my brother more than me as I defy her in my younger days. She's not asking him to lie for her but only me... Her words are stabbing my heart today and it feels like I have not done enough for her. My bro being the golden boy in her eyes, will never do wrong by her. Even if he suggested seniorcare, she will think the idea is from me and shut him down. She knows my bro will listen to her in the end and get her home... It just feels like I'm so alone in this decision.
Now I am undecided and feeling conflicted because of her reaction in the phone call. really afraid that if I continued to resist she will hate me and no longer forgive me. So should I lie to her doctor for her?
She may be being very negative towards you at the moment - but I suspect that the strong personality you have shown in the past, and her asking you not your brother is actually a complete opposite to the way you have interpreted it. She doesn't love your brother more - she trusts you more to make the right decision rather than just give in to her. If she were asked who she could rely on more it would in all probability be you because you don't fear doing what you feel to be right. It may feel as though she will no longer forgive you, but I think she knows where care for her really lies.
You and your brother should get together and make plans for mom. The big question is can mom continue to live on her own? If she is great, but you two should have plans in place for the time when mom can no longer be on her own.
I'm so sorry for the hurt and angst you feel. I wish you and your family the best and hope your mom gets better soon.
Don't let her words hurt you and make you feel guilty. You've done NOTHING wrong. If the golden boy wants to do her bidding and set her up for potential failure, that's on him.
Also, shame on your mother for asking you to lie! Usually when I see a title asking about lies, it's more about the fibs and white lies we have to resort to with those who have dementia.
Two weeks are nothing. She'll either get over it or she won't. You should never have to resort to lies to "earn" your mother love or forgiveness.
Okay Dr Phil... really, NOT okay... what a load of bull crap. My OB was ALWAYS the "golden boy", but he was not. He beat on me physically and verbally, yet was still that "golden boy." He certainly was no goody-two-shows. The parents saw enough to know they had to move him upstairs before it was finished or he'd end up killing me.
There's a lot more to it, but YOU haven't lived ours lives so YOU have no idea what it's like or what was said or done.
Her falls got worse and I spent hours at the hospital er. Her last bad fall at home happened just before Christmas in 2015 or 2016. She had hurt her arm again when she fell in her bathroom. Her arm was dislocated. They set it, she moved it around and out it popped again. Dr. set it 3 times in an hour. Then told me to take her home. I refused. I had them call her dr and tell her what had happened again. Her dr had told her one more fall and you go to assisted living or nursing home. Mom was also threatening to kill herself all the time. Moms dr told the er to admit her thru the holidays and let us find a place for her to go to rehab. She sent mom to one a few miles from us.
I felt like a house had been lifted off of my shoulders. Mom never got to come home because she refused to do rehab needed and kept falling. She went from rehab to nursing home to memory unit. She fell the last time in July 2018 and struck her head and it caused a stroke we believe. She passed in Dec. that year.
If your mom is half as stubborn as mom was, you needed to flat refuse to lie to the doctor and be responsible for her. Yes, I still have some guilt but, mom didn't give birth to us to be her nurses. And I and my husband have told our kids they are not here to be our caregivers.
Hugs to you and God bless.
Go to the Medicare website to look for rehab/nursing care facilities. They are rated. My brother is in one with an overall 3 star rating but a 5 star resident care rating. Makes a big difference. Find those and ask the social worker to make the calls. That’s their job.
Start thinking about post rehab care. Can she live alone? There are some nice assisted living facilities—our elder law attorney recommended an excellent one. They have different levels or tiers of care. So she may simply have an apartment to herself where they check in on her, make sure she takes her meds and encourage her to get involved in activities. The one my brother was in even had a van that took people out to go shopping and doctor appointments. Good luck!
While everyone should have POAs assigned, just in case, it really isn't helpful or a priority in this situation. POAs allow one to legally manage someones bill paying/finances, sign documents, etc when they are incapable of doing these things. OP hasn't mentioned dementia, but even if she has dementia, POA isn't going to change the situation at hand. We can't force another person to do what they are refusing to do, even those with dementia. POAs don't give you that power over another person.
Given mom's attitude, this probably is not a good time to try to "present" a POA to her. At some point it can be suggested that it get set up, for some future need, but this mom sounds like so many I've read about on this forum - no way would they ever grant the POA because the kids just want to lock me up and take everything!
Of course she will be upset.
You have to have the rational, clear(er) mind to do what is needed. She doesn't have the mental capacity to make sound decisions for herself.
* You must do what is in her best interest and lying isn't one of them unless it has to do with confused/dementia requests/conversations. Then, it isn't lying, it is keeping her calm as possible.
* You do not play around with her health or medical needs. Period.
* Yes, you may be the only person needing to make these decisions. You cannot control your mother nor your brother.
* Do what is right. You know what is right.
Gena / Touch Matters
What works for you won't always work for others. When the caregiving is easy enough and the person is reasonable, sure, it can work. If one is financially set and doesn't need to work, sure, it can work. If one isn't raising a family so one can focus on the care giving, sure, it can work. But the reality is that more often than not the income from a job is needed, for current and future needs, there can be family to raise/tend to, the LO can be the meanest most cantankerous ornery bulb in the lot.
Do unto others - I made sure my mother had the best care in a wonderful place. I've told my kids to do the same for me, should I ever need it. I do NOT expect them to drop everything and tend to my needs. I didn't have kids so I'd have a nanny-slave when I need one...
A mother ASKING her adult child to lie for her is just plain wrong. A mother holding a grudge, withholding love or whatever because the adult child says no is also wrong. This mother is mean and selfish (possibly somewhat dumb too, thinking it's all so simple to skip the care needed.)
Given that there is likely quite a bit of wound care, cleaning and dressing, it is better than mom has this done by people who are qualified to do it. OP isn't comfortable committing to this for whatever reason. It's ONLY for 2 weeks, so mom needs to suck it up and deal with it.
I spent almost a month in a hospital. Does it suck? Yes. Did I really need to be there? Initially sure, but given that I wasn't even allowed to eat, had no wound dressing, no PT, nothing to do all day every day and was miserable, I can relate. Two weeks, not so bad, esp if you have to actively participate in your care or are seriously laid up. I complained so much they finally sent me home, had the IV antibiotics and feedbad shipped to me, had visiting nurses come once/day to set up the feed bag, draw blood, etc. I was given a pump and would do the IV antibiotics myself. THEN it was better being home AND I could care for myself.
your mother is being selfish and seems to already not care about you, so I don’t think you are jeopardizing her love for you. She doesn’t seem to consider you at all.
I think Medicare gives home care for a short time. Look into it. If not, be firm - you can do it. Tell her that there is no way you and the family can provide proper care for her, which is true. She has a choice, go home and get Medicare nurse visits or skilled nursing care, which I think the hospital social worker will help you set up. You should speak to the hospital social worker anyway. They usually help.
Don’t even think of helping to care for her at home,, unless she also gets in home nursing care also, and treats you kinder. Tell her this. You don’t owe her love, just reasonable duty.
sorry that you have to go through this.
I would refer to it as fear through manipulation.
Mother may not have the ability to be 'kinder' - depends on if dementia - and the degree of the dementia - is involved, which it likely is.
Although with this said, it is CRITICALLY IMPORTANT to set boundaries, express them, and keep them.
No one needs or is required to be a door mat and exhaust themselves to where they have no life or do have a breakdown - for anyone.
You CAN'T "get" a Power of Attorney - the person has to appoint you.
POAs do NOT allow you to "take over."
Make it clear to the hospital that your mother lives alone. If the hospital determines she cannot be home alone, they should be assigning her to a Rehab facility until it is safe for her to be at home.
Her distaste for a Rehab or Nursing facility is not the deciding factor.
Never mind the ongoing family drama about who your mother favors and who she takes advantage of. You still should not lie to let her put herself into an unsafe situation.
Whenever I read statements like this, I know someone has moved beyond logic into mind-reading, and they're wasting their time and emotions on things that aren't true.
You don't know what your mom is thinking, and you don't know that your brother will listen to her and cave. You've got everyone pre-pegged into their assigned spots and are reacting to that as if it were true and has happened exactly as you predicted. It may happen because you're willing it to.
Turn the narrative around. Create a united front with your brother. Approach Mom together with a single message that she can't come home because she'll likely get an infection that could kill her or land her back in the hospital. Stick to it, absolutely do not lie to the doctor, and take charge of this.
You're letting your perceived "golden child vs. defiant child" narrative get in the way of reality. Put that aside for once, and deal with what IS, not what you think is or will be. You spend too much energy assigning everyone their roles and their lines (including yourself), then ensuring the drama plays out just as planned. Try to do something different for once, and everyone will react differently as a result.
While both my brothers eagerly said for the kind of money MC was charging they'd take care of her (sticker shock - knew nothing about dementia and didn't bother to check), neither stepped up. OB isn't local, so the last time he was here to assist with the condo (a few weeks total vs 2.75 years for me!), I suggested he go visit her, as it would be long time before another visit, if ever. He spent very little time there and refused to go back again stating he "didn't know what to do with her"! YB initially would visit and/or join us for special occasions, but that stopped quickly and he resented being asked to transport her to appointments after she refused to stand and walk unassisted. This was in her last year, I did all the other transporting, visiting, etc for the 4 years in MC and several years before that. OB was, BTW, the "golden boy." Imagine how hurt she would be if she knew/understood what he said. There's still a little more "duties" to perform to finish off the funds (she passed in December), but other than having to mail a check to them, I am finished with both of them!
Some of us do feel the need and/or obligation to do what we can to help or ensure their care is provided. Others, despite being raised by the very same people, don't. So much for blood being thicker than water, eh?
IF for no other reason that wound care is almost a 24/7 job in itself. You have kids. They come first.
I cared for both my FIL and my dad, overlapping by 6 months. My kids didn't see 'service and love' they saw that mom was never home and resented it. (2 tween-age brats)(they're lovely now, but then--hoo-ee, what stinkers).
I did provide the level of care required but it took it's toll.
Don't answer the phone. That's the magic of a phone. You can call screen. Talking to someone who pushes all your buttons is awful--wait until you have time and patience to talk to mom and then call HER.
I don't blame her for wanting to stay at her own place and not some Understaffed Nursing Home.
Im sure between you and your brother someone could check on her every day.
She could have easy foods to eat that are refrigerated and or microwaved.
Achilly, the Best Place for one to heal us where they are happy and safe but I would choose happy
Prayers
I know this may sound cruel but you are helping her.
My father was livid and verbally abusive when I refused to cancel a trip to run the 70+ miles over to their house because “your mother’s developed Alzheimer’s” overnight. She, of course, had not but was worn out from his constant demands for attention and to be waited on.
I was a teacher, commuting 80 miles a day and dealing with a great deal of pressure at school. On weekends I tried to catch up on sleep, grade projects and assignments, and take care of my house. My mother would call to snipe at me for not coming over every weekend. “What, are you too good to visit your sick mother?”
After awhile you have to ignore it and take care of you. Don’t wait as long as I did to stand up for you and your family. You deserve it.
Second. What's the bigger picture? Mom wants to go home. Mom is trying out her best tools to make that happen.
Her best tool may be those 'heart daggers' on you. Call it manipulation, call it emotional blackmail, or call it a scared old lady just wanting to go home 🙁
Snowycoco, time for a shield for you! Honesty and Common Sense make good defences.
Statement A "Mom, I want you to go home too". (honesty)
Statement B "Your Doctor says XYZ right now is best". (common sense)
Any requests to lie get statement A or B on REPEAT.
Please somehow lose that guilt. (And thicken up your shield in case the daggers get bigger!)
If you or other family members can not care for her what good would it do to send her home only to have to return to the hospital with an infection or a break of a bone when she falls trying to something she should not do. It would be more time in hospital and rehab.
If she wants to return home and be as independent as possible she should follow the advice of the doctors.
Tell her that the reason you will not lie to the doctors is that you love her and want her to get better and be safe.
I so would not care for this woman in my home. If she likes brother best, let him care or set up care for her. Your history with Mom shows this will not work.
Let her be angry. My daughter just finished a book called Boundries by Townsend and cloud. The one thing that stuck out for her was
"When you say NO, you are not responsible for how people respond to that"
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"Guilt is self imposed" and "No is a one word sentence"