My dad died three months ago, and I spent over a month living on the farm with my mom full-time, an hour away from my house, to care for her. She did not believe she had anything wrong with her. Even though my paralyzed father was surrounded by caregivers for three years, she would not let any in the house to care for her. I left three times in a month to visit my house briefly, because two of her friends and one relative gave me a few hours of relief.
Now, three months later, my sister and I have placed Mom in assisted living. We helped care for both my father and mother for three years, and we are exhausted. They have complicated properties and finances, and my sister has managed those, while I have done on-call caregiving, driving to doctors and all the medical management.
The day Dad died of a heart attack in his sleep, my mom was fighting with him about assisted living. She said she wanted to go, to leave their 230 -acre farm and 5,000-square-foot house, with was a pile of problems, and when he died she would live there six months, grieve, and then go. He died that night even though he'd been perfectly healthy for months.
Truly, she wanted to get away from the caregivers she said. She was a sweet woman to all her friends, and she has many, but she called both my paralyzed father and the caregivers horrible names. She has an abusive side when I was a teenager and really up until my 40s. She was both verbally and physically abusive to me when I lived at home.
Oddly, we have a great relationship now and have for the last 5 years. We moved her into assisted living a month after Dad died, but she hates it, even though she appears calm and happy. It's a gorgeous apartment with a view of the trees, and she picked out all new furniture for it. But she claims our father picked out this furniture and the apartment before he died and said she had to live here. She never goes a day without visitors, mostly me, but also my sister twice a week and a few friends who pop in.
Now she says she's depressed living in her tiny apartment and wants to live in a house with me. I agreed to it because I can't stand seeing her sad and alone for the many hours no one visits her (usually she sees someone for at least 3 to 4 hours a day), but now I am having extreme doubts. I have been in a state of anxiety about what I know could be potentially abusive behavior, even though she has not shown that side to me for years. I have also explained she'll have to have caregivers five times a week, and she reluctantly agreed to it.
I was diagnosed with PTSD several years ago, and I'm afraid of my own mother, even though she's being her fun, sweet self with me. I'm 51 and single, and I'm afraid I'll spend the next 10 years of my life with a horror show. She's only 78 years old and most people in her AL facility are in their nineties, and Mom looks and acts like she's in her sixties. One of them thought I was her sister. She said Mom did not seem like she belonged here. The activities, big bands, bingo, and WW2 movies, just aren't cutting it.
She does realize she has Alzheimer's now, and just yesterday told me that if she ever becomes violent towards me to put her in a home, because it would break her heart to hurt me. She said she always wants to be a "nice person with Alzheimer's" and would never forgive herself is she was cruel to a home health aide (she was cruel to many for three years with my dad and has no memory of it).
You are going to need professional help now in order to be able to fully understand that you are not/never were/can never be responsible for your mother's happiness. That isn't possible in the case of a NORMAL person, let alone in one with dementia.
It is time for a good therapist, COGNITIVE therapy only (not talk therapy; you can talk endlessly on about all this without the help and cost of a therapist).
You need to be able to handle the unhappiness of a mother who was likely ALWAYS more or less unhappy in life, without feeling you are responsible for changing what is unchangeable.
As to the paragraph that seems subtly to make your mom responsible for your father's death? That's just not a thing. IF you choose to take her in she's unlikely to kill you, though you will most certain often wish to be dead.
Your father lived in probably what was a troubled marriage for many years, and he lived there by choice. He was likely quite acclimated to your mother's habits, and had his own habitual responses. He was aged and not well and he died. Autopsy would have told you WHY he died; "wretched wife" is never one of the causes of death listed. But if any part of you still believes she CAN cause death in those whose lives she touches, maybe it's a bad idea to consider bringing her into your life and your home? Just maybe??
If you choose to ignore all the above-- and advice you don't think applies SHOULD be ignored-- then stay on Forum for a solid month. Read others. Then make your own decision.
And remember, whatever choice you make for yourself is your own responsibility. We have free will. As adults we're responsible for our choice.
You can't count on any promise she makes. She has Alzheimers and is apparently a talented manipulator. Some things she's telling you are nonsense; for instance, "just yesterday told me that if she ever becomes violent towards me to put her in a home, because it would break her heart to hurt me. She said she always wants to be a 'nice person with Alzheimer's' and would never forgive herself is she was cruel to a home health aide." She will never recall that she told you that or much of anything else. Then you'll (again) be that bad person who (whatever you did to her out of your kindness and concern).
Just NO. Let her manipulate you no more.
I think you want people here to talk you out of it and I hope some do. I can't help you with that because I don't play those kinds of games.
You need to work to make sure you have money for your care when you reach her age. You are single and it sounds like you have no children, so who is going to be worrying about you and your happiness when you are her age? You have to think about your future. I know it sounds very selfish but it is the truth.
You said, “She never goes a day without visitors, mostly me, but also my sister twice a week and a few friends who pop in...I can't stand seeing her sad and alone for the many hours no one visits her (usually she sees someone for at least 3 to 4 hours a day)”
So many elderly (and not so elderly) people would be lucky to have a visitor even once a week. And don’t forget she has a community of people there who she can visit and have meals with. You say she seems too young to be there, but that young appearance won’t last with ALZ.
You have PTSD, and state that you are afraid of your mother and she abused you for years. You’re afraid the next 10 years of your life will be a horror show. It will be, and it could last longer than 10 years. It seems you already know your answer. Your mom is in a safe place, and at 51 you still have a life you deserve to live.
You already suffer from PTSD because of her so why would you even think about bringing her to your home. That is the definition of insanity.
Your mom is where she needs to be now, and she's safe and being taken care of. What more could you ask for? If she's not "happy" that is on her and not you. You are NOT responsible for her happiness, but you are responsible for your own. And moving your mom in with you will most certainly NOT bring you any happiness.
So PLEASE do not be afraid to tell your mom no.
The only thing you can be certain of is that AZ will get worse, and you will be living with it full time. Aids can quit. Mom can (and probably will) drive them away.
"Mom, I love you. We will both be happier if I stay your daughter, NOT your caregiver or roommate."
Another thing that strikes me is that's an awful lot of visitors. To help her see her current place as home, and herself as not the center of the universe, could you limit "visiting hours" and help her establish a routine in other hours with AL activities, crafts, magazines and tv, sitting outside, making little snacks in her kitchenette (assuming she has one there), whatever else she liked to do at home previously?
My mother had dementia and lived in AL until her dementia and mobility issues got too bad for AL, and then I moved her into the Memory Care building. She treated me horribly. The foul things she said to me were mind boggling, but I learned how to never visit her alone, and to leave when the hateful words became too much. How will YOU leave your own home if that happens? My mother also had 2 faces. One for the Family and one for the Outsiders. She treated the Outsiders like gold and the Family like dawgs. When dementia set in, that behavior magnified by 10,000, making her much more hateful because her filter was destroyed. This is very common with dementia. Your mother is acting all sweet and has on her Outsider mask now, most likely, because she wants something. For you to take her home to your house. Tell her you cant possibly do that and see what happens.
Good luck to you.
Don’t move her in with you.
I had to deal with selling a run-down older farm, also on the smallish side like the one you describe, too. Sad to say, but they don’t fit the current farming model which wants larger, unobstructed acreage for field crops. Older farm buildings rarely meet current needs and standards (like Grade A dairy requirements, and automated feeding machinery). Old farm houses are usually *not* the masterpieces of craftsmanship and construction TV shows fantasize them to be. More often I’ve seen them be cheap, ultra-DIY constructions that are not up to any sort of code standards, often in ill-repair, that would cost a fortune to renovate. I say all this so you can look at that property with objective eyes, not clouded by her sentimentality, or yours. Help sell it the best you can to pay for her care somewhere other than in your home.
I brought my 92yo mom home in 2023 under a guardianship and conservatorship. She has Alzheimer's dementia. She still has many moments of clarity. There is longevity in her family. Her mom died at 99 and her sisters at 97 and 98 so I could have her for another decade! I love my mom. For the same reasons as you, I don't want her to put her in a home. She always had a mean streak. During our lifetime, we were estranged for 10 years because of dysfunction. Currently she is passive, but this can change overnight, or if you say something wrong, or they don't get enough sleep, or they get an UTI. (After 2 years with mom, I find the most common cause for any behavioral changes is a UTI). And none of this will ever get better. Over time, it will only get worse. Dementia in any form just robs people of their lives (both the person who has it and the family who has to watch it). Still, a lot of this is tolerable because the love runs deep. It's all the other work involved - even when you have help - YOU are on 24/7. Mom will not do much without direction. At first, things were okay. Then I had to start getting up earlier and going to bed later to keep up with everything including my own life. Life? Any social life you have will disappear, too. It's all consuming and pretty soon, you're burning the candle at both ends. My home has suffered - it's like running a day care center - in 2 years I had to replace my washer and dryer, the plumber makes regular visits, as does pest control. My anxiety is now at an all time high and I'm suffering from situational depression. And you justify all of this in the name of love. I advise you to protect your own mental health. I am now (finally) hooking up with an agency who can provide ME with counseling, stress-busting skills, time for myself, adult day care for mom and reliable in-home care. It took me a while because the guilt is so heavy, and you really do think you're the only one who can take care of your parents despite your upbringing. To a degree, this is true because nobody knows you like your children and vice versa. I remind myself that if you allow others to help you can share that information with them so that you can be the family she needs now without the guilt, recriminations or reliving your childhood trauma. You know what you need to do because you keep reminding yourself about how cruel your mother can be. I believe you are looking for community support and affirmation. Remember, your mother has given you permission to put her in a home. I give you permission. All the people on this forum give you permission. People often ask me when I'm going to put my mom in a home. My answer? When she forgets my name. Please don't be me....
This is the reason you hire a caregiver so you can take a break.
It all looks good on paper until you are actually in this situation.
Mom will be better off in a home with people her own age.
My sister was placed in a nice facility and tried that nonsense with me. She talked about coming to stay with me. That's when I stopped answering her calls for awhile. She needed time to adjust to her surroundings. She had a house that had a reverse mortgage. When she got to the facility, she thought that she was going to return home. It never happened.
Yet, I don't really think that's the issue. You felt momentarily bad for your mum, but you've got enough sense to see that was a bad idea; it wasn't thought through - it was just an emotional response.
Your real problem is that you are visiting your mum way too much. You need your space and your mum needs to adjust. Neither of you has independence while you are there all the time. It's time to end the co-dependency - it's not healthy and it isn't helping anyone.
Just kidding. No. Absolutely no.
You think you are exhausted caring for her for a little while what will happen when you are doing it 24/7/365 for the next 5, 10, 15 or more years?
Do you really want to be abused verbally, emotionally, again? Do you want to subject your immediate family to the same thing?
If she is not happy where she is you can give her more time to adjust.
You can ask the facility to encourage her to join in more.
You could also look for a smaller, group home.
And...it is possible that with a diagnosis of dementia your mom might do better in Memory Care rather than AL.
My mother lived with me for 2 years after my dad died and it was too much for me to care for her day and night, even with outside help. She then had two rough years in Memory Care, even though I visited almost daily. Finally, hospice stepped in - a great relief for me and Mom - and now I visit 2-3 times a week. I constantly struggle with guilt, especially at the end of each visit, wondering if I am doing enough, but a few days ago after I kissed Mom goodbye and turned to leave, another resident lady smiled at me and said, "I wish I had a daughter like you." It gave me such encouragement, and were the words I needed to hear at that time. I give as much as I can to Mom, but I can only do so much.