I am a 62 year old single woman with an 84 year old Mom that no longer wants to live alone. Several years back I transferred from a one to two bedroom, two bathroom apartment which rents for around $1,700 to $2,000 in our state because my Mom was having small health issues. She eventually got well and wanted to have her own apartment which I completely understood. I wanted to help her, so I told her that I would not take any money from her (even though she was receiving a decent SSN check) so that she could save for things she needed. Biggest mistake ever on my part. Two weeks before moving I was burning a scented candle that she always seem to like in the past and instead of letting me know that it bothered her on this day, she mumbled under her breath (but within earshot) "I will be so glad to get out of here I don't know what to do". I replied I thought I was helping you get back on your feet? Her reply was "you are not doing anything special that no one else hasn't done". Those words were like a stab in the gut, I could not even reply and just walked away and cried as I thought of how my finances took a hit over the years trying to help. Fast forward to now, she is afraid of living alone and wants to give up her place and live with "someone" and keeps dropping hints about how nice my old place was, how it was always tidy, safe, quiet, etc ., then asked how much the rent is now on a two bedroom in my community. I ignored both the statement and the question because I refuse to entertain the thought. I told her she needs to stay where she is. She is on a program and her rent is $560 a month in a very nice community and close to stores. My question is should I come out and remind her of the hurtful statement she made as the reason we can no longer reside under the same roof? I am tired of hearing about her depression, calls on my job two and three times a day, 2:00 a.m. phone calls, time off work running to her place because she thinks she is dying when it is her anxiety, all these imaginary illnesses when all of her blood work is excellent, breathing excellent, no signs of a stroke, heart problems, dementia or serious diseases. Most tell me to show grace because she is my Mom but I am just watching out for my mental well-being. I am in a good place in life now with my finances that I can retire in a few years and still able to assist with her needs, I just refuse to give in to the one thing she wants.
Yes, you should forgive her, for your own sense of peace, if nothing else. BUT--
you don't have to step up and be the answer to all her woes.
Offer support when you can and on your terms. Maybe help her find an aide a couple days a week to help her out, if that's financially possible.
Let her know that living with you is not on the table and never will be, for the sake of your collective mental health.
An over anxious elder is hard to deal with, I know. Yes, she's your mom and yes, you should show her grace simply for that--but don't give up your own sense of self worth and personal peace and calm for her.
I probably wouldn't even bring up the ancient comment. Bet she would argue with you that she never said such a thing!
Just a closing thought--you move mom in with you and your retirement will be spent babysitting her. Is that what you want? B/C that's what will happen.
Good luck & stay tough with those boundaries.
This only causes to supply reasons for argument.
You should simply make it clear that you do not choose to live with an elder. That you will assist with her attempts to find the best living conditions her assets and savings an afford for her aging. That certainly you will be there to visit with her. But that you do not wish to live with elders, roommates, siblings, children or parents.
Your mother's wishes are clear. Be that as it may, she will be disappointed in your choice and has a right to mourn it or be sad about it. But she cannot change it. And it is your choice. I suspect there are more reasons for your not living with her than you can shake a stick at. But let us assume she was instead just a lovely old woman. Would you THEN wish to live with her? Because even if that were the case, I myself would still advise against it. It is very difficult to live with ANYONE and anyone who has done so knows that. And when an elder is living with you the trajectory is inexorably DOWNWARD.
Only answer is NO. And it can be a complete sentence. NO!
You've bent over backwards to cater to this spoiled overentitled old lady. Forget showing her grace, whatever that is. Stand firm, stop making her the center of your life, and get a hobby, like traveling or rehabbing wildlife - anything that will consume your interests and make you unavailable. Then congratulate yourself on finally cutting the umbilical cord.
Grace, indeed! Stop being friends with those who suggested that. They need a reality check and duct tape over their mouths.
Don’t JADE: don’t justify argue defend or explain
You don’t need to remind her of anything. Just ignore her comments about moving in.
Stop running over there when she is having an “emergency”… if you really feel it’s serious, call an ambulance because what could you do about anything anyway.
What good would bringing up the past anyway? She'll just deny it or tell you she doesn't recall it. Let it go.
And quit answering your phone while at work and overnight. Turn it off, and tell mom that if she has a true emergency that she needs to call 911, as your phone will be turned off, because you need your sleep.
I wish you well in setting and keeping good boundaries with your mom.
She was living alone while on hospice for a few months before she went into a nursing home. Hospice gave me a hard time about it. I very simply said no, no one was moving in full time. Not the greatest arrangement but none of us daughters were falling on our sword to be there full time.
We relied on Life Alert and we had 8 hours of caregiving a day. I told hospice that if this was a problem, then we didn’t want hospice. Hospice finally agreed to keep her enrolled which was good.
We finally were able to get her into the same nursing home as my father, for which I am eternally grateful.
Has she had a workup of her cognitive abilities?
The fact that she can't live alone does not equal "she must live with me".
Don't do it. Don't bother "reminding" her, either, of why it didn't work the last time she lived with you because she'll either flat out deny it, or make it all your fault. Ignore her hints. If she flat out asks you, then be ready with a very firm answer that never changes in any way, or she'll find a way to worm around it.
And don’t let her move in again! Don’t spend your own money for her, either. At that rent, even at minimal SSI, she should be doing fine. Don’t be her unpaid, unappreciated, criticized servant. To strain another Biblical comparison, people were thrown into the lion’s den, they didn’t invite the lion into their living room.
As far as the phone calls… Clearly she knows how to use her phone and is capable of doing so. Write “911” down for her, maybe tape it to the back of her phone. Put it at the top of her favorites contact list. Then learn to use your phone. It has an ‘off’ button! And a ‘mute.’ Don’t take her calls at work. Mute it at night and get some decent sleep.
I completely empathize and sympathize with what you are dealing with (been there, myself). Be the good, kind, helpful daughter for your own sake and peace of mind. But being destroyed in the process won’t help either of you.
My family was not allowed to call me at work unless an emergency. All my employers frown on it anyway. Let her calls go to VM. Put your phone on DND at night. Mine is set for 11pm till 9am. You can do DND during work hours. If she feels she is dying tell her better to call 911.
I find the people who handle parents the best are the ones that laugh at their shenanigans. Like when your Mom said she now has a lung desease, tell her you will call her Dr. to confirm it. In reality we all know you can't do this unless she gives permission, but maybe she does not know this. You may explain that "crying wolf" too many times can lead you not believing her when she does have something serious.
Time for those boundaries. You have a life and she is only part of it, not the center.
There are other mental health conditions where mom just won't care what she has done in the past.
What you can do each and every time mom brings it up you say "I'm sorry that is just not possible"
You owe her NO reason.
Find a nice assisted living community and move her in.
Believe me my friend, the nastiness is only going to get worse if you move her into your place. For your own well-being, don't do it.
I think you should definitely explain to her why she will not be living with you. That it didn't work out so well the first time, so that will be repeated. Tell her that you will find her a nice AL or 'retirement community' (I find that this goes over a lot better than calling a place assisted living) and will help her move in. Then do it and don't get talked into moving her in with you.
I agree that it sounds like she needs to be somewhere (not with you) where she can get care/assistance.
I'll add this though: I can't turn my phone off at night because I need to be available for some people. So, I use the "Focus" feature on an iPhone, which lets calls from people on a list of "favorites" come through but blocks calls from other people from ringing between the hours of such and such. You can create your own schedule. Mom was not on the list of Favorites so her calls went to voice mail without ringing.. Of course, I'd wake up and see that she had called several times and left several near-hysterical messages but none were so serious that she called 911.
I can't use a "do not disturb" type function on my phone during the workday, but there was a time when I would put Mom on my list of blocked numbers when I was at work so her calls went right to voicemail. Then I would unblock her later and call her back. When she complained that her calls always go to voice mail, I'd either say "I have to get my sleep at night like normal people" or "I was at work, Mom. I cant talk to you all day when I'm working."
This not a grudge. It's common sense. VickieS had her mother living with her several years ago and states it was the worst mistake she ever made. The mother is even older now and has dementia. So the mean, negative, nasty, ornery, hurtful, instigating behavior will only be worse now and get still worse with time. So moving her in is a bad idea.
This isn't holding a grudge. It's common sense.
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Would she consider getting a home health aide to come in an assist her for a couple of hours three times a week?
You are not responsible for your mother.