Should I step in and help with the care of my mother-in-law with advanced dementia or encourage assisted living or long term care?

Almost50: How unacceptable that your husband wants you to "stick your head in" to check on HIS mother, who by the way, should NEVER be alone, while he goes out and pursues hobbies! That's rich to say the least! He gets to have a life, but you don't?! If the lady "flooded the kitchen," what's not to say that she couldn't start a fire in the kitchen by leaving a pot on the stove? Someone suffering from dementia can also wander at odd hours of the night. For these reasons, she requires placement in a managed care facility.

Do not do this. Just don’t.
I have been caregiver for my Dad (97) and my Mom (90 with ALZ) for 5 years. I love them beyond measure but this has affected my business , my relationship with my siblings and my marriage all in a negative way.
This is not for the faint of heart and you have no history with this lady.
It will take you down and your marriage to boot.

He asked if you can check on her for 2 days if he's out of town. It's not clear how often he goes out of town. I see flags on both sides. Can he not get hobbies closer? Idk I really couldn't imagine my husband regularly going out of town for days at a time for "hobbies". In of tself, I see nothing wrong with checking on MIL twice a week. That just doesn't seem like a lot to ask as a temporary arrangement until she can be placed in ALF. The flag I see with you is why do you feel that's an arduous task? He's not asking to move his mom in. You never know if you will need help with your family in the future. I feel like helping your spouse is a part of marriage. So I do see some selfishness on your part. But again it's questionable why he's leaving for entire weekends how often does that happen? Because honoring his request temporarily is one thing but if he's trying to dodge responsibility then that is an entirely different story.

In same boat with MIL who needs more help than we can provide agreed to AL on two separate occasion but dug her heels in and refused when time came.We have a part time sitter for her and my husband brings and had lunch with her in his day off and half days, he does her grocery shopping but she had pretty much stopped cooking . Her moving in with us is not an option ....we both work and she would be too co fused here.Having cared for my own mother and other family members I am not willing to take on his mother or give up my retirement job to do it. Your MIL now needs more help than either of you can give her just stopping by and if your husband says he’d chose her over you I’d pack a bag for him and send him to moms

Make an anonymous call to 911, tell them you're a neighbor and very concerned about the woman living alone in that house. Ask for a welfare check as it appears to be a dangerous situation; dementia changes everything when the person is left alone to cook, go outside and risk getting lost or run over.

Oh, what a good neighbor you are! Her son needs to understand that abandonment is elder abuse and he might be at risk for jail time. It's really elder neglect and criminal. Tell him that you plan to remodel the house while he's in jail....................a marriage counselor may be needed at this point.

I would encourage assisted living - I think it’s a lot that your husband is expecting you to do - That is his job not yours .

I wish spouses would think before they speak.

Saying he'd choose his parents over you does irreparable damage to a marriage regardless of how this turned out.

He is open to caregiving let him get a caregiver - not you. You're working and you have your things to do. Once you say yes then you will get the - well you do it already - lecture. Obviously, mom is very important and more than you since he has already told you he would pick his parents over you! YIKES!

WHOA.... LOTS OF RED FLAGS HERE.
You say / husband said : "when we discussed them moving here he stated if pushed he’d pick them over me.)".

THIS SAYS IT ALL.

* That he responded / feels this way about you and you talk about "I feel extremely selfish..." is a set up you are potentially allowing to happen to you (as) you are allowing yourself to be a doormat. HE'S SOMEWHAT transparent in his feelings and 'requirements' of how you need to be in his life (i.e., being there for his mother, at the least) - you've been warned.

* You know where you stand (in his life)

* He wants to prioritize his 'hobbies' (really???) over you / and his mother's needs. What does this tell you?

* IF you decide to agree, I'd make it perfectly clear: You will check in on her twice week when he's gone IF YOU CAN and if you have other plans (it will be up to him) at his expense, to arrange for another caregiver to come in. . . potentially interrupting his travel hobbies.

* Ask yourself: Do I want to get myself stuck into this arrangement ... and especially by agreeing with it?

Due to you indicating you "feel extremely selfish ... " I encourage you to RUN not WALK to the nearest therapist to sort out your own needs, self-esteem issues, etc. Four years is not a long time to be married; I would bet money on it that he has 'ruled the roost' with you in other situations, perhaps realizing (and perhaps not) that you 'cave in' due to low / fragile / under-developed self-esteem. If you do not feel worthy in yourself, another person will not respect you and feel it 'for you' - they will take advantage of it, seeing it as a weakness in you.

* At all costs: stand your ground; keep your job or free time - do whatever you want to do.

If you behave out of a fear of him leaving you, this is not a solid marriage to begin with. Do you realize this? It is a huge imbalance of personal power. Do not confuse romantic feelings of 'love' with what real love is, ie., respect, a real partnership without that 'I'd leave you" carrot on the stick he's waving in front of you.

Sure, advocate for MIL's well being. Do not put yourself in a position to take on ongoing responsibilities, esp since he said he'd choose her / his mother over you ... and he wants to enjoy his travel hobbies (I hate to think what I think those might be). From what I read, he doesn't respect nor love you. Hard to say and perhaps hard for you to read. Get into therapy and do not make any commitments to care for his mother until you do. YOU MUST learn to / how to take care of yourself.

As you say "jeopardize our marriage" - sounds to me that would be the best that could happen. Free yourself of this man. He doesn't love you. He is the selfish one (perhaps a narcissist personality type ? ) - and you are (potentially) allowing him to use / take advantage of you because of your fears (losing him ???) feeling guilty ??? whatever the case. This won't turn out good for you. You MUST stand up for your self - and enjoy your retirement.

Gena
Touch Matters

I would NOT "suck it up and see how it goes;" the demands on you will be greater and greater.
It's time to have hired Care Takers much more of the time, maybe 24/7, or placement in a facility.

It is negligent on his part to leave her in that home alone. She should have someone there all the time or she she should be placed. Your husband is going to have to deal with this whether you are still in the picture or not. He is going to try to make it seem like it's your fault his mom has no care, but it's not. He is in denial if he thinks "you sticking your head in" to check on her is enough. When you do stick you head in and it's a shit show....then what? From what you have said, he wants his life uninterrupted so that he can continue to go out of town and enjoy his hobbies. He needs to place his mom before he can do that... She is not safe.

Were you able to retire so young because of your marriage to him? If so, he probably feels you owe him. I personally would go back to work full time before I would commit to taking care of his mother. Caregiving is hard and you will be exhausted and resentful. Don't do it. Tell him as his wife, you will help him place her and help him sell her house. Tell him you are not asking him to choose between him and his mom, you are asking him to make wise safe decisions for her and you are willing to support him while he does that.

Take some time with this. Decide what types of care and time you ARE willing to commit to your mother-in-law. Also talk with your husband about how safe is his mom on her own - can she dial 9ll, will she accidentally start a fire by "cooking," is she having any balance problems or able to get up off the floor if she falls...? If answers to questions like this show she needs more "help", consider adult day care services (Mon-Fri during business hours) in a facility and hiring help for morning/evening.

Reminds me of the children’s book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. Please, don’t do this to yourself, it will open a demanding, all-consuming floodgate for YOU. I had to reread “…travel for his hobby…” assuming MIL’s intense needs will become your daily burden, not to mention you’re bracing for a real fight. I’m so sorry this has been imposed on you, right when you’re looking forward to enjoying retirement. This will be hard but please, fight for yourself and refuse this load. MIL’s needs require professionals in a professional environment to keep her safe and functioning to her potential. Perhaps a private conversation with MIL’s MD may help hubby see reason. (I know MD cannot reveal but you can fill in the blanks relevant information about increased physical risks at home and the unrealistic expectations of doing this on your own). I wish you the best and hope this resolves in your favor. Hugs.

Demented victims require memory care and should not involve you. Please do not get trapped into this type of care.

Your MIL has two basic options, in-home caregivers or assisted living. She should not be alone at this point. She is starting to do things that are dangerous to herself and possibly others. If she's a wanderer, she can leave the house and get lost; and watch for her leaving the stove on or doing inappropriate things with the microwave. She needs 24/7 care. You can consult with a local social worker or senior care advisor to discuss her options. Much will depend on her finances. The advantage of an assisted living/memory care facility is professional staff who know how to handle clients with various stages of dementia, and her mental and physical condition is likely to decline as she ages. They will take care of her meals, bathing, activities, housekeeping. You may still have to take her to doctor appointments, or you can hire a caregiver to do it. You will have to help her downsize to move into a small apartment. Only pack essentials (clothing that she wears, basic furniture, just a few things for the kitchen, just a few personal mementos...) Clothing should be able to take laundry services that use hot water and hot dryer and only things that are easy to get on and off. With your responsibilities, being a caregiver for someone with advancing dementia may be too much. If your husband decides to go the path of in-home caregivers, someone will have to oversee their work. Lock up her valuables and personal papers, especially financial statements, or better still, take over her financial matters and have all bills and statements sent to your address (or better still, set up her accounts online and paperless). Also lock up sharp knives and scissors. All the best to you and your family, and I hope you can pursuade your husband to move her to a memory care facility.

I’m would leave your husband. It sounds like he just wants somebody to take care of his body. A husband should never say he would choose his parent over his wife. He shouldn’t have any hobbies if he has to put the work on you. I’m sorry to say but he sounds like a horrible man.

I think your husband is the selfish one! He is being affected emotionally looking in on his mother, but he gets to go and pursue his hobbies and expects you to do the very thing which is impacting on his mental health, and if you don't and push comes to shove he will pick his parents over you???!!!!
Lady, I'd pack his case and tell him bye!
He married you not his mother!
My mother stayed with my husband and I for 9 years. The latter years we had no life. My husband worked full time and I was her carer full time. This year she went into a nursing home, it was way over due and I was burnt out. I tell everyone my husband put up with a lot going to work, coming home and allowing me an hours break and on his days off taking over for me. We couldn't go anywhere and had no help. My husband married me not my mother and if he had said he couldn't deal with the situation any longer I would have respected that. I'm still suffering emotionally and physically after being a carer. My advice to you is don't do it. Your husband owes it to you to keep you as stress free as possible and he isn't doing that. You say you're 50, I'm 53 and just reclaiming my life back. We were told that by healthcare professionals when my mother went into care this year, "Go and claim your life back"
I wish you all the best, but put yourself first, that's not being selfish it's a necessity.

Almost50, what good news, so glad your Hubby finally agrees it is time to place his Mom into Memory Care.

Once a facility is found, try to set up her room similar to the bedroom she had at her home. It worked quite well for my Dad, this if he woke in the middle of the night, he saw his furniture placed the same way he had at home, plus the bedspread he was use to, thus he wasn't scared.

And just think, your Mom-in-law will be around people of her generation. And that in itself is so very important. My Dad was so much happier than being at home with around the clock caregivers.

If and this is a BIG if...
If this is something that you would want to do tell him you want to get paid just as any other caregiver.
Establish the hours you want to work and the other caregivers can be scheduled around that.
If he is not willing to pay you just as any other caregiver tell him that you are going to keep your other job.
You are not being selfish.
Caregiving is a LOT of work and a LOT of time.
Strongly encourage him to look for Memory Care facilities and place mom.
He and you will be more relaxed as mom will have people caring for her 24/7/365.
Since most MC facilities have been built for that they are usually safer than a home. No stairs, wide halls, wide doors, walk in showers and usually they are locked so that a person can not wander out as she could do at home.
Mom will have activities and people around her to help keep her engaged and active. She will probably be more active in Memory Care than she would at home with a single caregiver.

Of course hubby would feel guilty about putting her in a facility. But at some point, it often needs to be done.

It might be OK to push the caregivers to be daily and for you NOT to be a regular caregiver.

I'd tell hubby you want to enjoy your retirement, etc. You don't want to be a caregiver. And make sure she is paying all the bills, not you and hubby.

Well Done!

Can I recommend that you guys see a certified elder law attorney.

This facility should be paid for with MILs funds. Then, if, she spends everything, she will need public assistance. Your husband should not be paying for her care, nor should he sign as responsible person.

Because, I am pretty sure a prenup only covers debt and assets acquired before the document was signed. You don't want to get blindsided by a huge debt for his mother's care.

Personal story here - I have been married to my husband for 30 years. We sort of "fell" into sharing caregiving duties with his sister and her husband (they live with FIL for their own reasons, and are primary and we are backup/assisting)

If I knew then what I know now....I would have screamed to the high heavens to have them do ANYTHING but what they did. When they moved in, they needed a roof over their heads in an emergency. It was supposed to be temporary. Very temporary. They have now been there for more than 5 years.

FIL NEVER had a plan for his "golden" years. Well...that's not true. He did. First it was that MIL would care for him. Then it was that DH and SIL would care for him. He never had a plan to take care of himself by moving to somewhere with paid caregivers. Once SIL and BIL moved in - everything that he was doing for himself...he just STOPPED. Within 18 months he went from being mostly independent (we occasionally had to drive the nearly one hour to help him with something) to being COMPLETELY DEPENDENT and nearly bedridden now.

Why did I bring up the 30 years married? Because I was practically a kid when we got married. DH and I both were in our early 20s. For all intents and purposes I "grew up" with FIL in my life. So I'm "invested" I guess is my point.. You've had 4 years of marriage to your husband. You guys are still in the early years of your own marriage and now you are taking on caregiving responsibilities - and without him even discussing it with you? You didn't even get a say in this and he is expecting you to just accept it?

We have learned things about my FIL that didn't come out until we started caregiving. It is HARD and there are days that I would love nothing more than to pack SIL and BIL up and move them to anywhere but there so that we can pack FIL up and move him somewhere that someone else can take care of him 24/7. There are some extenuating circumstances but sufficed to say - he demands much more than is necessary of his caregivers and if you give an inch he will take that mile and more.

I say all of that to say this - you are not selfish. You find yourself in an uncomfortable position. But your husband put you there and didn't even talk to you first. He loves his parents. I get that. He has also expressed to you that if you don't play along he will pick them over you....I'm sorry but that's some bullying right there. He chose to marry you. He CHOSE YOU. If he had these feelings he should have expressed them BEFORE he married you. Because his vow to you was in sickness and in health - what happens if you get sick and you need him - is he going to leave you to take care of his parents. His first duty is to you and your marriage. That doesn't mean he can't take care of his parents - but it means he has a duty to you first - which includes considering you in his choices.

I hate to say it this way - but as others have mentioned - just a quick stop....that may be the first couple of times. But then something will need to be attended to. And then she will have a laundry list of things completed. And then before you know it even when the caregivers are there you are getting phone calls everyday. And then they don't like the caregivers and they are sending them home. And you phone is ringing off the hook needing help. And he's out of town and calling you to help because the new caregiver didn't show up.

You are still working. Does your new job offer THAT much flexibility? He hasn't considered you at all in this? He thinks it is so easy for you to just "run by" but that's not the reality. Even he doesn't understand that yet. He has NO idea what he's getting him and you into. The more he commits to the MORE he will be committing to - until you will be fully committed. And back here asking if you should quit your job and take care of his parents full time because you can't keep caregivers - or worse - if you should move them into your home because keeping two houses is too much work

Update- Thank you all so much! The conversation went well & we are going to be looking into memory care facilities. He said he knows it’s what is needed but hated to admit it because she’ll be so upset & angry with him. I am going to stand my ground for everybody’s sake & thank you all again for your support!

His priorities are his parents over you? Too bad he didn't tell you that before you got married. Put on your walking boots!

You got to retire at 50? Good for you because God knows 99.9% of the rest of the population your age will likely have to work until they're 70.
Talk your husband into putting your MIL into a managed care facility or get live-in caregivers if it's affordable. It sounds to me like her dementia is past the point where an AL can provide the care she needs. She should be in memory care. From what you're saying, she should not even be left alone tonight. Let alone until a permanent decision is made for her.
My advice to you would be to go back to work as soon as you can. Get a job doing anything for now. When there's a woman at home not working... They so often get made the Designated Caregiver to elderly family or become day care center for the family's childcare needs.
Go back to work until your MIL is placed. Then you're good.
Whatever you do, don't let your husband talk you into becoming her caregiver. He very likely will. If he went ahead and moved his parents to town and did not even bother to hear what you think, then he will likely try to move his mother in. Then you (because you're home) become her caregiver against your will and wishes.
You say your MIL has been 'very vocal' about not going into a home. No one wants to go into a facility when they get old. She has dementia and cannot be allowed to call the shots anymore. I was a caregiver for 25 years. I can't even tell you how many families I worked for that were broken up and how many once happy marriages ended in bitter divorce because adult children didn't know when to stop being obedient to their parent with dementia.
Now you let your husband know that you WILL NOT be caregiving for his mother. That if she is at the point where she's leaving the doors open, flooding the kitchen, and can't manage her own food then she is beyond the point where you "sticking your head in" will help or do any good. She needs to either be placed in managed care, or yur husband needs to hire live-in caregivers for her is she can afford it.
Please, for your sake and your husband's don't let let him move her into your house, and do not get talked into becoming her caregiver.

I find it extremely irritating that your DH wants YOU to 'poke your head in' on HIS mother while HE is out pursuing HIS hobbies! What? Not for nuthin', but many many MEN tend to bury their heads in the sand when it comes to educating themselves about dementia and what-all it involves and means for the elder suffering from it. That mother should NEVER be alone for 5 minutes b/c hey, she can 'flood the kitchen' or leave the door unlocked and invite a robber in to kill her! Or mix ammonia and bleach together to do some Spring cleaning and asphyxiate herself. That's just a small sample of things his mom can do to harm herself, and doesn't include wandering off at 2 am in the dead of night.

You, having no experience with dementia, poking your head in to check on his mother, isn't going to accomplish a hill of beans, in reality, b/c mom needs to be placed in Memory Care Assisted Living which is locked down and staffed with caregivers who ARE familiar with dementia and can care for the woman 24/7. Your husband is NEGLIGENT with his behavior and attitude towards his mother, and laying her care & his ignorance of it all at YOUR feet. Sorry/not sorry, but this isn't your problem, my friend. It's his, which he's shirking off in favor of pursuing hobbies and leaving her care in your hands. Ridiculous. And to top it all off, you say "when we discussed them moving here he stated if pushed he’d pick them over me." Now might be a good time to discuss THAT little issue in a bit more detail. If sonny boy is going to pick mother over you, perhaps he should be the one to move in with HER and leave you to your life unfettered by the demands he wants to place on you. You need to come first, as any wife should, b/c you're worth it.

All that said, in response to Barb's request, I suggest you read this 33 page booklet ( a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”

https://www.amazon.com/Isnt-Common-Sense-Interacting-Dementia/dp/1481995995/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468655&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-4

I suggest your husband read the pamphlet and open his eyes to what is going on with his mother, so she can be placed appropriately, or, so she can get 24/7 caregivers coming into her home to properly care for her. "Poking your head in" on his mother is not going to accomplish the gargantuan task that's required to keep the poor woman safe.

Wishing you the best of luck with the issues you have on your hands. I hope you can get through to DH and not wind up devoting your retirement years to HIS mother.

He moved his parents with no discussion and now wants to you provide care to his mother so he can go away for his hobbies?

Ah, NO.

I would be rethinking the marriage. He has already told you, you are not number one.

What everyone here said….and I have to add that if she’s flooded the kitchen and is forgetful, she is just as likely to burn the house down. Not to be a scaremonger but this is literally true - a friend of mine’s FIL burned their house to the ground ( they lived together ) forgetting about a fire he made.

So it might be a good point to make. And wouldn’t your husband feel more guilty if his mom set the house on fire?

Really wish you the best in this situation! Getting the ball rolling in the least bad direction is difficult. Good luck and I hope you get hobby time too!

1st off, you NEVER ask a demented senior if they want to go into care. It's like asking a naughty child if they want a spanking. Obvious answer, NO!

Unfortunately, when dementia is present there are no easy answers. The person needs to be kept safe and taken care of. That is the only consideration. Even against their wishes, you have to ensure their safety and living alone with people checking in WILL NOT accomplish her safety.

Your husband is actually dancing with elder neglect chargers by not seeing that she isn't okay to live alone. This would be a bigger deal for me, as his spouse, this will directly effect you should something happen to her and he gets arrested for not ensuring her safety. Legal fees for criminal charges are really expensive. Not to mention, mommy will become a ward of the state and he may not even know where she is or how she is doing.

Caregivers are mandated reporters, so this will not end well for him if he doesn't pull his head outta...the sand.

As far as him giving you an ultimatum, well, in my book, you lose as soon as you go there. He has shown you who and what he is, believe him.

Best of luck, this is just a crummy situation for you no matter what happens.

So when you go out of town you have to find someone to watch your pets but when he goes you are expected to be his back up plan?

He is grooming you to be her caretaker. It is one thing if he has to travel for work and you jump in a day or two a month. Covering his hobby travel is a hard no. He brought her here without asking you so it is his problem to solve.

Next time he calls you selfish tell him he is manipulative. Or just say Yes I am selfish and I don’t want to do this. What is he going to do? You hold all the cards. If he threatens to pick her ask him if he needs help packing. He is counting on you not calling his bluff.